It's been nearly a year since wife left me for another

[rebelfac]

man and I can finally say that it no longer hurts. I have finally accepted it after being in disbelief for so long. She moved her in with our 12 year old daughter into another mans home. She didn't feel loved by me and I created a void of affection which he is showering her with. Remaining in contact did not work. I have a lot of resentment for what she has done since the split and I never thought she was capable of it. SHe likely has a lot of resentment for my mistakes during our marriage. I do get credit for being a good father but was likely a 5 1/2 as a husband on a scale of 1 to 10. I do wish she new that the issues could have been corrected but it took her to leave for me to really get what I did wrong. I simply didn't appreciate what I had until it was gone. It does seem that people who experience the excitement of a new relationship get into this mysterious yet predictable state of mind. They rewrite history to justify actions. In her mind she probably even forgets or blocks out that I wasn;t selfish in bed and would very much please her orally as an example. even though she has given me credit for being a good dad I bet she will now change her view on this too. I am really thinking of never talking to her again but do want to have one last conversation to see if she would still choose him if the issues she had with me were corrected. I really do feel like I changed and I wonder if her compl;aints were corrected in a lasting way would she still choose him. I wouldn't pressure to get back together but just want her to make the right choice on her own for down the road should she see things differently when the honeymoon ends. I am though actually at the point where I am much more indifferent either way , finally.

[doityourself]

why would you want to torture yourself with this after so long. And you say you are finally over it, what if she says not that she wouldnt have done it? Would you want to get her back?

 

Real question, what if she says yes? Will that break your heart all over again? Will you beat yourself up, would you try to change the person you are for her?

[Rob1000]

Dude, a year has passed. You sound like a good guy and there is way too much emphasis on what YOU did wrong in the relationship. Hogwash. We're all the same, it really does take two to destroy a relationship, so don't blame yourself entirely. You seem to have learnt from your part in the break up so now, move on and find someone you can use that experience with. If she left you for someone else once, there's every chance she will do it again. Continue to be a good father to your daughter. That is the only thing you need worry about.

[rebelfac]

Dude, a year has passed. You sound like a good guy and there is way too much emphasis on what YOU did wrong in the relationship. Hogwash. We're all the same, it really does take two to destroy a relationship, so don't blame yourself entirely. You seem to have learnt from your part in the break up so now, move on and find someone you can use that experience with. If she left you for someone else once, there's every chance she will do it again. Continue to be a good father to your daughter. That is the only thing you need worry about.

 

Thanks for the quick response. Even though my friends have said the same thing, it's good to get an outside opinion. You are both right that she is now a cheater and when someone crosses that line it's no going back. I guess I would still want the other version of her that no longer exists. So yes the relationship is dead and it's like a death. I guess like others I believed she was the love of my life even though I have been in love once before in a 2.5 year relationship. I guess things just run it's course and it just doesn't seem like it makes sense anymore to be with one person your whole life. My dad , who is 60 is dating people half his age ( yes that might sound creepy) but reminds me of the positive in terms of possibilities. Ok yes it's time to 100% let her go. Thanks for the feedback

[Rob1000]

Go for it dude. I have been in love 3 times, and each time I said they were the love of my life. And I cannot wait for the next 'love of my life' to appear!!

 

The truth is nothing lasts forever. We are capable of loving anybody at anytime. Love has no boundaries. So let her go and find that next special someone just like your dad is doing!

[doityourself]

Good Luck and Good Hunting, Hope you find someone that is your everything.

[Lecturer]

It sounds like you have made a lot of progress, but still have a BIT left to go. You seem distracted by the competition aspect, "would she still choose him". Although it might be nearly impossible for you to do this, I think you'd do well if you could get past that as you move into new relationships. It should never be about choosing the better man/woman... healthy relationships go far beyond that. You may find yourself in love again, and .. let's suppose a guy comes along that is 10x the man you are... in a healthy relationship your woman will not choose him EVER... because she LOVES YOU. As long as the relationships is healthy and you love each other, no other man can interfere no matter who he is.

[rebelfac]

Very wise words. He wouldn't of had a chance if I showed her the love she needed. Nothing lasts forever is also correct. I do wish though that I learned what I needed to know earlier in life. College for most is such a waist of time and opportunity cost. ( that is a salary, experience and real world knowledge)

People pay to take classes they have to and not learn what is needed. The latest example who validated this directed my dads movie and told me he waisted his time and money at a traditional well known LA film school.

[journeynow]

I have a different take from the other responses. My thoughts are, gold stars to you for the perspective and self-understanding you have gained. You sound level headed and reflective and on solid ground. Good for you, and thank you for sharing your healing. I think it is fine to be reflective at the 1 year stage.

[thorpe]

What about your daughter? You need to maintain a civilized relationship with your ex so you can both be good parents. Stop dwelling on the failure of your marriage and work on raising your daughter and making a new life