Deaf Ears Ignore My Pain...Help!

[Rochelle1982]

Peace and Blessings to all! If you've got an eye to read, I hope that you will read on as I have alot to say, feel my pain so that I can begin to heal as well but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, so here goes nothing...

 

We met about 2 years back, he did not admit it at first, but I knew he was still sleeping with his ex-wife whom he divorced after being married to for only a month-- a year and a half before I met him. He later admitted to not only was he still sleeping with her but she was pregnant with his daughter. He had a son from a previous relationship and he was 10 at the time, so I know you would have your typical baby mama drama as they say. I know what it means now when anyone tries to make the ex look so "bad" to you, they are trying to convince themselves and trying to win you over as well--but please believe if he/she is about games you can best believe they are talking about you too! He went on to tell me about her 2 kids and her other marriage, but a woman's intuition tells me 2 kids, 2 marriages, 2 different daddies right, my ex did downplay that, I could always hear how he was her protector somehow- he downplayed that as well. She decides to keep the baby and he found this out after she faked a suicide attempt. She was not going to get rid of this child, as you know, yes this was her meal ticket into his life as he was slipping from her grasps.

 

The loyal woman I am still pressed on, we were doing things we both had never done before, Jazz concerts, poetry spots, working out together, talking every hour on the hour consistently, traveling, eating out to new places, museums, board games and eventually he asked me to move in with him. Now I know to some the activities I mentioned may not be nothing new, but I just wanted to give you all a feel of how there was never a dull moment with us, it was like we never slept and when we did, the party continued, "honeymoon" stage never wore off with us, then things took a turn for the worse....

 

I guess his exes that always had his same number felt like he was not paying attention to them, now these women stuck around for a reason and you will see why later on, but the ex-wife with the baby really did not like this. I had lived with him a few months shy of a year, longer than he lived and was married to his ex-wife. Throughout our time, she called constantly all day and night long, I tried to give him space and let him spend time with his child (he is a really good and attentive father) so I did not look like I was trying to keep him from his baby--she is there now so you have to handle responsibilities. He would see the baby and the mother would make excuses as to why he could not see her, she would tell him that he was spending all his time with me and not his child and in actuality, she wanted to be in his life, she played on his mentals, I saw her texts, I still tried to be supportive because I wanted to believe in my man, I made him go see his child. He would call her in front of me and she would not answer for awhile and later call from blocked numbers and all this childish crap, I was getting it from both of his kids mothers and I never met any of them, they were so against me cause I was the new woman in his life, I wanted love like everyone else I just so happened to fall for this man.

 

The beginning of this year, we were going to move into a new place, he put the money down from his taxes and we were awaiting the approval from the association, then he drops a bombshell of how a friend of his told him that I was sleeping around on him, we knew the same people where I worked and this could not possibly be true, his informant remained nameless. I was crushed to bits, I came home every night to make sure there was no room for error, I only wanted this man with all this baggage I could write a book on. Since he did not believe in me, I moved out and moved to my dad's.

 

Verbal abuse was on an all time high now! I know this was because he was not happy with himself, he was confused and he knew that he was not living right by misleading everybody really! He did not trust me cause he was boinking the ex-wife and telling me he was not.

 

There was alot, I read some stories, I am not trying to take away from anyone's travesty, but some of you all got off easy, I got dragged through the gutter by way of the worst emotional roller coaster ever. Last week my daughter and I was with him and his son, we were playing board games and relaxing although something felt wrong, I knew his body was there with me and his mind was on the other side of town. It was nothing new, I was trying to work through the triangle, I mean this is how much he broke down my mental spirits and way of thinking, I allowed him to have that much control over me and I was the only one paying---He was having the time of his life having his cake and ice cream and brownies too...

 

Sunday, he rushed me home citing that he wanted to go back to work but I heard his phone constantly going off, I knew it was the ex-wife. We got into arguments later that evening, he disappeared later that night citing that he is going to do what he wants and he should not have to go through this to see his child and the next day his tone completely changed. I may have brought on this anger the next day because his ex-wife had tormented me and threw out some things of mine, and out of I anger, I came accross something of hers and I won't lie, I popped the straps on her shirt, it was childish but it felt good cause she was taking my man away all because I did not have a bargaining chip to get him back and she knew that. After he constantly said, I don't want to go back into that, he wants to take care of his kids and I know that he is not making ends meet, he said he was going to get right with God, remarry his ex and all that crap.... I was spechless, I still feel awful, you see how long this is, I wanted those who will read to understand that this was so lame, I stepped in the biggest pile of dogs**t ever... I did not deserve this at all, why did it have to happen to me especially after what he said to me. He said he was just lusting. He said, you are not gonna change my mind after I cried begged and pleaded. He said I feel like you are trying to take me off my path of righteousness. He said he loved me but was not in love with me. I called him back the next day after that cause he did not have the guts to tell me in my face, we talked a bit, he was so cold and callous to me, after we hung up, I never heard from him since and I did not try to contact him either. It's like he just disregarded me like that, he is brainwashed by that woman. Let me tell you something, you don't just lust after a woman you work out with, ride around looking at old cars with, shoot pool with, talk about getting bikes so we can ride on the beach in the mornings, even if it was sexual, please believe that he could marry me and that would not be the end of the episodes, so I don't understand. I guess I wanted to know if he was thinking about me as I was grieving him so bad. It is so bad that I am leaving the state for awhile to find some peace of mind and start a new year somewhere, I just gave up, I can't believe I lost him, I beyond proved my loyalty by sticking through all this crap but he gets to take the easy route. I guess they are going to be with each other for the sake of the baby, but she is his ex for a reason, if it didn't work then, why the hell would it work now, people lack common sense. Others hold out hope that there significant other will come back or call, sometimes they do, but this is someone who has too much pride, he would rather bite off all his appendages than come back, he wants me to chase and I am going to try my hardest and move on although I have caved before when he was trying to push me away all this time. HARD TO MOVE ON WHEN IT WOULD SEEM SO EASY FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN....

 

I got alot more, I just had to shorten this up and its still long.... I would like some words of encouragement, support, friends, people will read and bypass, you reach out for help and people ignore you, the first thing thay say is, "Well why didn't she reach out to someone"....

[Rochelle1982]

I see alot of people reading since I posted this earlier but no one is saying anything, when I want to talk no one says anything, that hurts too...

[geod]

From a mans point of view, he's given up. Maybe he's weak, maybe he never loved you- I don't know, but he has given up.

 

He may try to call you or see you, but it will probably only hurt more and lead to nothing good.

 

Question, how was he with your daughter?

[Rochelle1982]

Thank you for responding. He was like a father to her, but I often felt that he really did not want to be with anyone else's kids cause he wanted his daughter there to at least, the mother of his daughter would do things to like oh the baby is sick, and 1 leg looks higher than the other you know, I don't really know what was going on truthfully! You say he has given up though, I feel it too, but I am in denial over this and it hurts. I would like to know why do you feel like he has? I find it hard to believe because all the things he said, I don't know if he is listening to his mom or he is just gonna mess around with her until the little girl is a bit older. The marriage did not last long you know, so I find it hard to believe that he would just give up, I saw messages from her at times, she was trying to tell him that I was getting in the way of him seeing his child and she played on that. In reality, that was her way of playing on his mentals to get him to spend less time with me so she could ease her way back into his life using the baby. He told me his sister told him to go fight for custody, it was clear to see that she is using the baby, but I guess it does not matter, he would say I just want to be in my child's life. I was never trying to come between him and his kids, I was trying to keep her from getting back in, it has been a week and no contact and there will probably be none. He has a semi-cousin that lives on the next street over from me but we can see each others houses, so I am sure if he wants to know something he will. He was always accussing me of things and I guess it backs up what is happening now because he wanted to justify his reasons for whatever he is trying to do now. The other things he said was, I went through this with my first's childs mother. I am just really bothered by everything, rejection is not a joke.

[Rochelle1982]

Also, why do you think he will try to call or see me if you think he has given up? He surely isn't making an effort now. He may when things start to get sour and he will be stressed, he will have 6 mouths to feed and his job is going down and he was looking for another job. I am leaving this Friday to clear my head...

[geod]

He'll try to get a hold of you because thats just what everyone does. I've never seen it not happen, may take a year but it will. People drunk dial ex's, drunk email (Gmail actually has a plug in to stop you from drunk emailing), drunk text... It's a cliche for a reason. All I'm saying is it sounds like no good can come of it.

 

It sound slike he gave up because there is only so much a person can take before they just wear down. If you rub sand paper on something all the time you eventually sand it away. She's been working him and working him and working him and from what you wrote his walls fell.

 

He may put them back up in time, but she sounds like she will just keep doing the same thing over and over. Unstoppable force, unmovable object.

 

If I sound short or kurt I'm sorry, I'm out of sugar coatings for the time being. I am very sorry for you.

[Rochelle1982]

You are right, she has been doing the same thing over and over and she will never let up off of him no matter what, so he is a waste of time I know, just wish there was something I could have done. My friends said that I was allowing him to run me away, I don't see anything wrong with getting myself together to find some peace of mind cause there was alot of verbal abuse. I have to just let go but it has been a fear of mine for so long. I can say that all the things that I have gone through with him, it was not even this severe with my child's father, that is just crazy in itself. He had been doing this to almost all the women he ever encountered in his life, these head games, I remembered all he told me, we talked alot but you don't know what to believe and what not to believe from him. That is why when he said he is gonna remarry her, I believe him cause there are things to back that up, but then again, I know all the games she played how he refused to deal with the courts just cause his first mother has not involved the courts and her messages, her harrassing me and following me and this justifies why it would only be to keep the peace to be in his kids life. It should not matter, but it affects me because you spend so much time with a person, how can you admit that you love me too much to not speak to me like we did all the time, to just it being non-existent and say I love you, but I'm not in love with you, there is so much you can believe or not, but I am learning to just let it be.

[Rochelle1982]

WAHHHHHHH!!! If I asked a generalized easy question, I would get a thousand posts, you try to open up and talk, I see folks reading but only 1 friend responded although I thank God for talking to him--but nobody else has said a thing, I got some serious problems and I am reaching out, but I am getting no love, rejected by my man and now rejection again, WOW!! Maybe its just me, but I do appreciate it if I can get responses too, we are all hurting and trying to heal together, we should be more supportive of one another as well...

[susie198]

Sorry Rochelle. I usually try and read all the posts and give feedback where I think I've got something constructive to say that someone else has not said. However, I found your post very difficult to read as it was long and not broken down into paragraphs.

 

Susie

[Mustachio]

Hey Im sorry you are suffering here... we all are to some degree in this forum which is why we are here. I dont have the most experience in relationships ever, but I will try to provide a little bit of perspective here.

 

The main thing I took away from your story is that the foundations you built that relationship on were extremely shaky from the start. You said that he was still sleeping with his ex wife when the two of you started dating. That alone should signal something. You went into a relationship knowing that he probably would not be emotionally available to you. And while he probably was available to a time he had other obligations outside of you that he needed to tend to, whether or not he tended to them properly is another thing, but it sounds like he was never truly over or out of his marriage with his ex and it sounds like his ex wasnt really over or out of that marriage either. It sounds to me like you may have gone into the situation almost hoping to pull him through to the other side, and going into a relationship with the intent to change the other person or going in with the intent to change something about their lives is probably just foolish and almost always doomed to fail. Your story was a bit difficult to follow, but I think if you give it some time you will probably realize that it was never a healthy relationship and that you were both drawn into it for the wrong reasons.

 

It sounds like you are only a week or two out of this relationship and that is tough for it to be so fresh, but I would back off and give yourself the time to reflect on it and give yourself time to get over it. Try not to think about why he isnt calling you, its natural to feel abandoned and hurt and betrayed. It sucks that you are thinking about him all the time and you assume that because he isnt calling you he isnt thinking about you. Chances are he is, but he might just realize his priorities lie elsewhere. Take some time, and give him space, if you are meant to be together he will come back, but in the meantime reflect on it all and yourself and see if you wont be happier without the drama of this relationship in your life.

[Rochelle1982]

Well I appreciate your response and thank you for that, I am sorry if my story was hard to read, but I have a problem with how I express myself when I am going through the motions, it comes out that way. If you see the other responses to other people, I am a bit more to the point and understandable.

 

I suspected he was sleeping with others but I tried to have faith in him, people. I myself have trust issues and don't know what to make of anyone these days. He did not admit to anything until I was making plans to move in with him and it hurt, but I still pressed on. I did feel like I could pull him over to my side and it was working, a year living with someone is not very long, but I had reached a level with him that he did not get to with his ex-wife let alone anyone else. He always tried to block out his feelings which was why the verbal abused ensued and that was the worst crap ever, kill the mind and the body will follow sort of thing- a pimp without the money LOL...

 

The ex-wife had 2 other kids and I guess she felt that the baby would be the best way in getting back with him after he clearly showed he had moved on, he went back to an ex gf who he did the samething to by marrying on her, and when he met me, he went with me, we made so many plans which hurts! I understand priorities and I am all for a man taking care of his kids because my childs dad is not around, so I would never stop that, but she made it seem to him as if I were! Everytime I would talk about the wife's intentions, he would agree with all rational points, but then he would become irrational and turn it all around by saying his daughter-his daughter-his daughter; "I just want to be in my child's life like I am with my son, this is what I have to go through for now."

 

In time I will get over it, but the thought of it makes me cringe and want to do something. When we are going through this, we feel like there has to be some magic trick we can do to make them come back and see what they are missing out on NOW than later on after we have moved on. I do realize that the relationship was toxic and unhealthy, but if he is being true about remarrying the wife instead of just getting me to back off for now due to intensity, then it means he was willing to change and be a better man to her now than before. I just wish it could have been me instead. I gave up alot to prove my love and this is the thanks I get; he always took the other women through the same turmoil and they stuck around which fed his ego and promoted his arrogance.

 

I am in so much pain, I am going to another state for awhile and I have decided that I am not even going to inform him of this, for now he does not care anyway, it just means that I can surely cause no more stress for him. Maybe he will come back and maybe he won't, but I am not holding out for that, somebody wants a good woman! That sucks after he told me so many times that I was not going anywhere and he would not let me, now he's cool as a breeze. Thanks for listening and working with me Mustachio...God Bless You and all of us going through these tribulations...

[egygirl]

Well, it seems you got into a relationship with a man with too much emotional baggage. It is confusing to follow what is going on just reading the story, I can only imagine how difficult for you it is and you and actually living it.

 

If he was messing around with his ex-wife from the beginning, that's a big red flag. But often times our hearts over look the logic we should be thinking in our minds. I hate when I see married or recently divorced me, or half-way attached men string a long a new love. When they realize it's not going to work, they just throw the girl to the side like she is nothing. He had fun with you and experienced many things...but when he started to realize the reality of the situation, he split and started being strange with you. What did he expect you to to? You deserve a chance to be loved without baggage too!

 

My advice would be to find a man who has no ongoing drama...ask many questions...get to know him VERY WELL. Let men know...you don't need drama...and if they have anything...move on...let them know you won't tolerate it...you don't need the grief. If you were there for him ...he will realize your value and come to see what he lost in you sooner or later.

[Rochelle1982]

I suspected he was messing around as I do anyone, but I had no proof he was messing with her until he told me himself later on in the relationship. Yes he was emotionally unavailable now I see, but then I was going with the flow and trying to give things a shot. We were spending alot of time together and even after we officially broke up, but I also realize that he was following a pattern he was use to all that time and he is trying to keep that with my. I don't think he is going to really marry her, well not now, he is just going to work on his relationship with her and his child. It does not make things any better, but it hurts when a person pushes you away like that, say all kinds of mean and hurtful things that are hard to take back. I am sorry if the story was a bit hard to follow, I will re-edit, but when you are hurt and angry, I have an array of emotions and I type as I go along, sorry... I just feel so crappy, he did not have any consideration for me and my child and where is he now, not calling me, not even concerned. I am leaving town, I have successfully held up my end of the bargain by NC, want to tell him I am leaving town, but I don't think it will even matter. I will just let go all together and get on with my life, I just have a feeling that he will try to come back when he is ready months down the line when he sees that the problems he had with his ex before will come about no matter if there is a baby or not.

[egygirl]

Yes, they always do come back when they realize what they lost. Stay strong, and you will find someone better who is clear from the start. WIsh you all the best.

[becwho]

Oh Rochelle, God girl! You were reading my mail. I know, I know. It just happened to me. Its amazing how we are so available. We would do anything just to hear his voice again. I got my second chance when the girl that my love left me for moved out of his house and accross several states. Now that she was gone, it was my chance!

It lasted one month. He was telling me how much he loved me and still communicating with her. Needless to say, she came back and he verbally abused me to the point that I had to take a stand.

Now, I contact him with helpless texts that go unanswered. The self loathing I feel seems like it will never be repaired. I could go into how abusive he was and how emotionally unavailable he was, but it seems like you have experienced your own misery. I accepted it all. I felt like I deserved it. But why do we deserve to be second best? All I did wrong was love him too much.

Rochelle, I have a child too. I was so selfish that I thought I could raise my child in that environment. Love yourself enough. thats what im trying to do.

His last statement to me before he hung up on me was that He loved this girl, shes coming back and he is going to marry her. This was after he was in the bed with me the night before. Who is the idiot here? And you know what is sick? Im still checking my e-mails with the hope that he will come back.

Rochelle, I pray the best for you. Im right where you are. Someone out in cyberspace feels your pain. I know most of us do. Nothing anyone says can really help your pain. What sucks is that becomes your decision. As for me, Im stuck on my pitypot for now. I hope someone comes along and pries my butt off of it, but I think that my butt is my responsibility! Peace and blessings, girl!

[loulee]

I see alot of people reading since I posted this earlier but no one is saying anything, when I want to talk no one says anything, that hurts too...

I wanted to say a wrote you a huge response to your post and accidentally clicked some button and lost the whole darn thing the other day I will have another look at it. i hope you are doing okay

[Rochelle1982]

Thank you for responding...I think I am starting to let go of it a bit unless I am lying to myself again. I am in South Carolina spending time with my family. I had to get away...I am at peace knowing that I do not have to defend myself from what I have come to know as verbal abuse from him. I am accepting that he wants to be with her now but it sucks, the extreme attempt to forge a relationship with me and sabotage it later on as if I was the guilty party was sickening...My extreme levels of despair are coming down now, I have not contacted him, so I am being a big girl- he has what he wants for now so I don't think he will realize anything until it is too late. Although I doubt he is going to marry her right away, he is playing games still- he has a myspace page, no photo though, don't know what he is looking at, but he was on it. I think he needed to push me away so that he can build a better relationship with her eventually- I was in denial of that cause of what he was telling me. Just learning to live without him is all, it sucks being lied to----it sucks having your relationship sabotaged by an ingrateful being--it sucks not being able to talk to him the way I use to on a regular basis--it sucks being alone--it sucks missing the intimacy--it sucks that he seems to be moving on and he has been all along--it sucks because I miss my friend and I am hurting guys...I did not deserve this, I did not deserve this at all... I sacrificed so much and look where it got me--NOTHING...I do not wish bad on ANYONE, but there are those that need a wake up call you know and hope that he sees something, you cannot get up everyday and give our Heavenly Father praises and your treatment of others are demeaning...

[Rochelle1982]

Hello becwho? Thanks for responding! Isn't this just messed up. I don't understand the cycle or the game! In your case, the woman clearly left to do who knows what and he still takes the other woman over you... Now if you had done something like that, what do you think would have been his response to you, sick. I don't get it, they don't know what they want, but it goes to show you that he wants someone just as unstable as he is,so let them be assholes together. My ex has a few screws loose, and I had an encounter with the ex-wife and I know she does, so let them be together and see how far it gets them--this may be out of anger too, but I have to cope some kind of way..

 

How can people treat us this way? How come our genuine love is taken for granted? How is it that when someone is torn between 2, the other person can do no wrong?

 

I think about all he did to sabotage my relationship with the last thing being that I had given him an STD!!! Funny thing is that I thought that something like this would happen, that if he was sleeping with both of us, the ex-wife would do all she could to make him stop messing with me. He called me up and said he felt something was wrong with his body...isn't that pathetic! I ran to the clinic, clean as a whistle! I told him I went and he did not believe me, he said I was a liar... But why was I the liar because the exwife said she had something; he said he would go to the clinic and he never did because there was nothing wrong! He was so desperate to prove to her that he was gonna leave me alone or stop messing with me I guess, or he needed me away so he could be with her and their child together without her threats...

 

I don't know but all this is sad! This makes you want to do something to a person or call them up and fuss, but for what. I have successfully been a Big Girl and I did not call him, I temporarily moved to another state. I miss him still, my love knew no boundaries as you can see, I did not deserve this treatment in return for my love to him unconditionally. I am at peace still, no verbal abuse or breaking of my character. I just hate the fact that he seems to get his way, he has pushed me to the back of his mind, how is that even possible...maybe he never loved me, maybe the exwife has a better deal since she has his child, I may never know.

 

I check email, I check my old phone to see if he left a voice message, I look at his secret no photo myspace page to see if he was on and he has. If you are going to remarry your wife, what are you looking at on myspace. Its all BS, I guess he is uncertain and he is a person who cannot be with 1 person too long at a time. I do not know if he will come back, I have mixed feelings on that-I don't know what I would do, it seems in his past, time apart and distance has brought him back to others; I want to break this cycle or his record when he realizes that I had what he needed all along. That is out of confidence, he told me all these things and his reaction to me was too great to just go away, he has too much pride and I will let him have that now...

[Rochelle1982]

Hello loulee, Thank you for responding! No problem I understand when that happens... I am a little better, I am in another state to enstill NC! So far so good, I check things, but I have not spoken to him going into 3 weeks now. I am at peace and I am lonely, GOOD women especially should not be lonely LOL!!!! He will see, I had the total package, but even though I wish I was getting the attention the ex-wife is getting now, I don't feel that I want to have a baby to have the attention momentarily, she thinks she has it all now and so does he, but when that baby is older and he has to take care of a full household, he will see that my offer was not so bad. His ex-wife wants someone to take care of her and her kids, I will not have a child just to keep a man, I would want him to come on his own without props! For now, I am learning to live without him cause as I read somewhere in broken heart quotes: If he was stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go! I still remember the good times and how lucky the next person will be to have someone like me, he will make me forget all my troubles and I am looking forward to that. Hope to hear from you soon...

[scarlettcrush]

you are a champ for taking on a man with that much background and working it out. I hate it ended up badly and I get your feelings, you invest a lot of time and emotion, clean him up, teach him to walk straight and wipe the crust out his eyes. Everything is magic when you are together then he turns into a monster right before your eyes.

you really seem healthy about it when you talk about it- making good decisions to leave town, get it out your life, out your mind. Keep up the goodness, and next time pick one without so many child support payments. ;-)

Ends are best when they meetin'

[Rochelle1982]

Hello scarlettcrush and thank you for responding... I especially appreciated the fact of how you acknowledged that I took on someone like him even though he did his very best to conceal all his baggage in the beginning; he knew what he was doing by not disclosing that info cause I would have walked away. I am still taking it hard, I have peace of mind but I still miss him, I am not missing out on an excellent person, but I miss him being my closest friend in love.

 

I look back now and I remember all the contradictory conversations, the hypocrisy, the blame and everything else-- and I see things I have never seen in more stable minded beings; but you can't tell him that he is wrong about anything. He thinks he has his s**t together but more sane people know the deal with him. I feel so stupid, I ignored the signs, even though he was denying everything about his ex-wife, I know now that he was convincing himself and stringing me along. He believes he is guilty of no wrongdoings, he believes that he does not mislead people but in earlier convo's while we were in bed talking, he admitted that he has done this but regarding the ex-wife and another.

 

He has no child support payments cause he is too busy making sure that he caters to the mothers of his kids to keep the peace he says. He had to go through the same routine with his first kid's mom and now the ex-wife; sleeping with her was his guarantee to stay out the system. He keeps a pattern and if he has not broken it then, he is not going to break it now. Just as I am sure he will eventually get tired of the ex-wife again once his brainwashing wears off, he lost interest in her before which is why he drifted away from her. I would think that if you really love someone, nothing would keep you away from them, she was not able to keep his attention when they were together and there was no child, but he lacks commonsense...

 

What hurts is that when they leave us, they act as if we never existed. I know he is at least thinking about me because he is trying his best not to call me, so he has had to rewire his way of thinking. I was so hysterical when he told me all the awful things he knew would hurt me, and he (to my knowledge) has not even called to check up on me and my child at least. After all the time we spent together, museums and car shows and concerts etc., things he has not even done or had time to do with his ex-wife or anybody else for that matter, and he just forgets me--SAD! I simply say it again, I did not deserve this, why do people take genuine love for granted? Why am I so alone and even though I don't know what he is doing actually, why does he get to be happy without me? I do hate the fact that I did introduce him to new and exciting things and now he will incorporate that into renewed relationships and I had the total package all along, people are still never satisfied!

 

My self esteem is shot, feelings of inadequacy are in full effect and I am in great despair! He left me in the cold when I stood by him. All the things he told me which seemed genuine only to rip me of my dignity in the end. Feeding me false hope when he knew he would or would have to go in another direction. Lacking the balls to tell me in my face and communicate his actions. No closure. Many questions. Anger. Confusion and mixed feelings. Want him to come back. Want him to pay. Will never trust him. Madly, obsessively in love with him still. Waking up again tomorrow without him. Thanks for reading...

[Romy_my_name]

I am going through hell now, because I don't want to let go.

 

One thing I am NOT doing is asking why they behave the way they do.

 

Our feeling for the wrong man are strong, even though our brain tells that the man is wrong.

So how can we expect them to be rational with their feelings?

 

Logic cannot make you love someone or be with someone.

 

If they are not with us, then it's because they don't feel it. 'Good reasons' for being with us are just irrelevant.

[Rochelle1982]

Thank you for responding! I am sorry you are going through hell as well and please believe you are certainly not alone in that, you are so right about feelings toward the wrong person. I can't seem to let go but I am trying, I just got a book "How to get over him and back out there in 30 days" by Catherine Hickland. I am going to learn how to beat this all over again, this is my 3rd heartbreak since high school and the worst for me. I need to learn how to get a hold of my emotions.

 

It almost hurts to say the wrong person, we had signs but you want this person to be so right!

 

"If they are not with us, then it's because they don't feel it. 'Good reasons' for being with us are just irrelevant."

 

Can you break this down a bit more for me, I interpret it as we would quite naturally be the way to go logically, but since they lack this, there is no point or it is acting off of impulses instead of the right reasons.

 

I think that if his ex-wife had let go, he would have no other reasons to go in another direction, but then again, he apparently has not let go either making him emotionally unavailable to me especially at the end. I don't know, he contradicted himself alot, I still don't know his intentions, I know that whatever he is doing, it will die down and he thinks he can pop up in my life maybe a year later and he is sadly mistaken. He has successfully gotten his way throughout all this time. He was screwing over the ex-wife since he met her in 2003, when he mad her his wife for the month back in 2006, he saw something that made me realize that he had made a mistake. It does not matter because he will only do the samething to me. It sucks that he tried to put the blame on me while his whole life and thought process was screwed up. I know now that he could not handle my love; he could not handle 2 women wanting to give him the same love as well--I lost because I do not have a prop to hold over his head and he believed that I was "known" to alot a people-which was a lie! He could not trust me because he did not trust himself, but I took the fall. Verbally abused me to shame me until he could carry out his evil plan to go back the way he came. This blows...... I just wish he had the common sense to be a man and look at things for what they really are and see the big mistakes he is about to make. He may not think or feel it, but he is missing out on a really good woman and I know that he knows that. I am powerless and I feel hopeless and this was what I was dreading, but he always said to me, "I would never do that to you, you don't have to worry about that." Now I am in the same predicament that he put his ex-girlfriend through when he married his ex-wife the first time. Only to go back to the ex girlfriend 7 or 8 months later-but I don't know if they were still communicating or not. I stopped all communicae, I have to respect your wishes so I backed off even if it hurts me. But now he clearly shows me that I was never a match for his ex-wife, so I was expendable after all...

[Romy_my_name]

"If they are not with us, then it's because they don't feel it. 'Good reasons' for being with us are just irrelevant."

 

What I meant is that the fact that we are the best thing for them, that the other women will never love them as we will and all the other 'good reasons' are meaningless.

 

They don't want to be with us. Feelings mostly have nothing to do with reason.

 

Look at us - we are trying to change our feelings for them with reason... and it isn't working that well for me...

[Rochelle1982]

You are right they are meaningless...

Today I am at a feeling of acceptance, but this is because I am felling it now, I will probably cry later...mixed emotions.

 

The thing is this and I have explained this in other posts and I don't meant to sound too redundant, but if he was a jerk to begin with, I would not be here today. But the misleading and forging relationships sucks. You have me believing in something and then you just snatch it away from me...

 

I chose to love with all my heart, I worked hard in doing this by showing and proving and it was not good enough. What seemed so perfect, was not to be because it was not what he wanted. I guess he could not lie to himself anymore or his mother was to busy trying to control his life and wants him to do what she wants him to. Regardless he was never up front about his feelings, he knew what he was doing, he did this so he could reel me in, leave me gasping for air so he could gut me like a fish and this is what he did.

 

I have thought about ending it all, I have my child to live for. I just feel so bad because he made me feel like we were a family, he was like a father to my child, he told her he loved her and now he acts as if we don't exist. To go from doing everything together and reaching levels he did not go to with his ex-wife, I feel that this should stand for something. Instead it was like he was afraid of me too, he was afraid of my love. Maybe he was afraid to love another. This kind of person is dangerous because you don't know what their intentions are because they are uncertain, unpredictable and contradictory. What you think is the truth may not be and lies could be the truth, who knows. He probably made me out to be a monster to friends and family so he could feel justified and get support from others as to why he should not be with me. Allowing others to control your life only hurts him because he is still not being true to himself. He is going with the flow, yes you should not be with her and go back to your ex-wife and baby even if the relationship failed the first time. I just don't get it sometimes, it bothers me, that we were inseperable and now I am dead to him basically. Bottom line, there is some truth to something, because he has not tried to contact me, so I guess he was lying to himself all along....