Some friday night questions. Any advice would be appreciated

[TheRock]

hey everyone,

 

I have a friday night alone and a few questions have popped into my head. One of the most recurring themes on this board is to try not to spend too much time alone. I am trying to figure out ways of doing things to not spend time alone, but I do find I am spending Friday and Saturday nights alone more and more. Most of my friends are now all married and Friday and Saturady nights are really not social nights to hang anymore. They always have plans like I did when I was with the ex. Also my family is spread out over the country and the one that is local is also married with children, so she is busy often too. I also don't really want to spend friday and saturday with my family too often.

Anyway, my question is does anyone have any advice on this subject?

What can I do to change this?

 

Also, I read how it is useful to date a couple of times a month or more! I find it amzing that people can get so many dates. I consider myself an attractive guy, but it is just not that easy for me to get so many dates. I would be happy with one every three or four months or so. Am I doing something wrong here? How can I increase my dating? I am not really into the bar scene and do not want to be in a bar by myself. Maybe a female perspective would help here.

 

One other separate subject. I am finding it hard to develop a direction in my life now that the relationship is over. I had all these expectations before and now thay are all not going to happen. I find it hard to make big decisions now for fear of failure. I especially don't want to fail in other parts of my life right now. I was thinking about buying a place of my own, but I am questioning my motivations. We used to talk about buying a place together. Should I put this decision off for a while, or continue? It has been almost four months since the breakup. Thanks for listening, and I would appreciate any help on thse subjects.

[DragonGirl724]

yea i feel ya on this one...you had the time to post this on a friday night & i had the time to reply on a friday night. lol *sigh* yea i miss my ex so much it sucks! im contimplating calling him tonight. im so lonely. tho im surrounded by people sometimes the feeling of lonlines is so overwhelming. i dont date i never liked it so i refuse to, its just a superficial act to get laid. i met my ex thru friends on my birthday it was a great situation. im an attractive girl so wen i go out & guys want to hang out, it usually means "ill act interested b/c you got some cool s**t to talk about but yea i cant help but stare @ your boobs." ARRRGGGHHH!! i want my sweetheart back!! so yeah cant give u much advice on the dating scene b/c i think its all crap anyway. keep yourself occupied with friends. unfortunately im in pennsylvania on weekends to work at my crappy job & only person i hung out with over here was my ex. so its heartbreaking havin no friends around & no one to cuddle with either... i was doing much better last week, this week im a mess. i guess we jus got to get used to being alone at night...i dunno if doin sumthin so drastic as to finding a new place to live is necessary. try maybe learnign an instrument, or getting involved in art, or a community sports team...? u can PM me if you want. i know how you feel...

 

take care & God Bless,

-DG724

[disEnchantid]

hey rock,

you've been very responsive to my post so it's my turn to try and help you out a little. I'm in the exact same shoes as you are right now, reading your post is like reading about myself, with the exception that most of my friends aren't married yet...but regardless....same situation as you buddy. I, too, am frustrated about finding ways to get out given that the bar scene gets old really fast for me, and like Dragongirl, don't have a lot of patience for guys who pretend to be interested in what you are saying but can never quite look you in the eye cause they are looking elsewhere. And I am never one for small talk or chitchat so when I try and make interesting conversation I am usually rewarded with a blank stare and/or confusion.

So, here is my advice. Don't pressure yourself to go out on a certain night of the week. Buy some books and lose yourself in some classic literature. Go somewhere *you* want to go and treat yourself to something special. I have been taking classes at the gym for about a month now and it feels nice to have somewhere to go in the evening without the pressure of feeling as though I have to dress to impress. I, personally, am a huge flea market/antiquing fan and that is something you can do on a weekend afternoon by yourself without feeling weird and meet some really interesting people as well as find some cool stuff.

As far as increasing your dating, I would focus on quality rather than quantity there ;-) you can get a lot of dates if you really wanted through dating services, etc., but I doubt you will enjoy the majority of them.

I know how you feel about the loss of confidence in your decisions and that is normal, but you will regain that and when you do you will feel even greater pride in your accomplishments. When I got my acceptance letter into graduate school, the only one I applied to this time around, I literally started crying, it felt so good.

Most of all, don't rush yourself into anything you don't feel ready for just because you think that is the way it is supposed to be. just because you read that you should be dating more or not spending a lot of time alone, doesn't mean you should put undue pressure on yourself to adopt a lifestyle that doesn't suit you. I think it is great to try new things and force yourself to get out of the house once in a while, but at the same time, it has to be at your own pace and comfort level. Relax, you are doing fine and you have been a huge help to so many people here. You'll get through this and come out at the other end smiling.

I'm always there if you need someone to talk to or bounce ideas/thoughts/concerns off of. PM or AIM me anytime.

 

all my best

 

disenchantid

[lisaria]

Hey Rock,

Oh my God!!!! You just asked every question I have wondered about. All of my friends are married or with someone and my family is sick to death of me. How do these people get dates? Geese...it's so much harder now. I'm a pretty good looking woman, nice body, nice personality, but where do you go when you're my age and live in a pretty small town? Yeah, it's Friday night and I'm sitting home alone, drinking a beer by myself, crying. I could be a living, breathing country song. I am scared to death that if I do get a date I'll just sit there and b#tch about my ex all night long, heaven forbid. I don't really think I'll do that, but who knows. Plus I feel a little like I'm cheating which is totally rediculous. He sure as hell didn't have any problem with that. What do you do? I think it would give my ego a big boost to have a few dates, something I really need. So what is the solution? The gym closes at 7 on weekends, I spend many Friday or Saturday nites at the bookstore, no luck there. Around here everybody is with somebody or I'd go to jail if I tried to flirt with them. I get so frustrated and mad at myself and my ex because I know he's not having any freaking problem with this since his new bimbo and him are together every night. He doesn't have to worry about this soul consuming loneliness. Anyone have any ideas?

Thanks for letting me rant a little.

[ziggystar]

i think disenchantid advice was right on the money. i'm in the same position as you, i'm 37 and all my friends are married or coupled. i just recently finished off a job (i'm a freelance graphic designer), and am out of work. so instead of just the weekends to work worry about, i have the entire week now. i think half of it is the weight we put on it with our own minds. and as far as buying your own place, don't make any decisions right now. but why don't you kill two birds with one stone, you can always go window shopping for places on the internet on friday nights. start researching all the things that you were interested in before.

 

lisaria,

 

well, i live in new york city. millions of people to choose from. it's one big meat market. trouble is...they're all neurotic. so don't feel so bad being a small town. i can't be bother with chasing skirts for the sake of chasing skirts.

[sugarplum_pdx]

Rock,

Yeah, I feel the same way. It's only been a little over a month since I moved out after my breakup, and I've tried to fill up as many weekends as possible with having family visit. I realize not everyone can do this. I'm lucky enough to have several family members relatively close ...well, 4-5 hours away. This weekend my sister was here, and next weekend I think my brother is visiting. That's the only way I keep from going crazy on weekends. I had one or two weekends where I was on my own, and even though I did go out a bit (had lunch or dinner with a friend), I spent way too much time in my apartment alone, thinking of my ex.

 

The advice I have been given is the same as what people are saying in this thread -- Find something you enjoy, and pursue it. Find ways to treat yourself well. I've also been told that doing these things may not feel enjoyable at first but you have to do them anyway. For example, force yourself to go out for at least a few hours each day of the weekend, even if you don't feel like it. You can go out alone, during the day, or meet up with a friend for a couple hours. I find this hard because I only have a couple friends in town.

 

I also can totally relate to what you said about not being sure about your direction in life now that the relationship is over. I, too, was talking about buying a house with my boyfriend. I thought my future would include him, and that we would buy a house and get a dog and build a life together. Now I'm living alone in an apartment and not sure what to do anymore. I still want the things I wanted before ... and now I have to find someone new to do those things with.

 

Well, don't know if I was any help, but you're definitely not in this alone ... a lot of us are in the same boat. Hang in there.

[Scout]

You really will just have to force yourself to go places even if you are alone - like maybe some small concerts, shows, accoustic nights at coffee-houses, etc. Museums, art gallery openings, are good choices...don't get discouraged if people don't run up to you right away and introduce themselves. You might have to do that yourself, but try not to be self-conscious about it, it's perfectly normal and good manners to be friendly with other people. Of course, if someone is obviously not in the mood for conversation, don't push it and just graciously move on.

 

It's hard at first, but you will meet people, and also, most communities have all kinds of clubs and organizations you can join. If you're interested in politics, now is a great time to get involved with your preferred political party, what with the elections in November. You can meet some very bright and passionate people through this type of activity. There's tons of stuff you can do as a volunteer - you really just have to set some goals for yourself that you insist on meeting...i.e., go out at least three times a week, visit two volunteer organizations in the next month...you get the idea. At first it's hard to get motivated, but once you get the ball rolling, you'll be glad you did, and you'll quickly expand your social circle to include single friends, instead of married couples only.

[trulyDee]

I am separated 2 1/2 years now. Husband moved out of state. I am alone, and NOT liking the dating scene at all. I refuse to go to clubs, nothing but drunk losers, I work second shift, so that makes it hard too. I tried the gym...buncha meat heads.

 

I am 37, 5ft tall, slim, blonde hair, green eyes (and I am intelligent)...no kids, I work a fulltime job, make decent money and I own my own house.

 

Why can't I find someone kind of the same as myself? My last "date" was unemployed, and still lived at home with his mother.

 

I don't think asking for someone employed, on their own...who also has their own teeth and most of their hair is setting my standards too high.

 

Is it??!!

[Scout]

Maybe the problem is, your standards are too low! What's wrong with setting high standards? Still, I know what you mean...I feel like I've made many concessions in the past, and the jerks still screwed me over. Which is kind of embarrassing if you think about it. So now I am setting my standards high HIGH HIGH.

 

As for how you can meet someone, please see my original post above, I think it gives some specific advice. If you think outside of yourself, and your own wants, and get involved in some other things, you might just end up finding what you've been looking for all along.

[TheRock]

You know what I noticed? I am slowly getting more involved with things that I wanted to do more of when I was in the relationship, but did not have the time. I am slowly figuring out the things I want to do. Hopefully, that will lead to another connection too. I am also trying to just accept a few friday or saturday nights at home. Little by little, I can see myself building a different life. It doesn't feel exactly comfortable yet, but in time I think it will.

Let's all try to get out of this boat.

[lisaria]

Hey Scout, my sister said my standards were too high.

I think that's hilarious. The jerks I've dated and my standards are too high???? Just look at the last one.

Rock, I too am building a different life and while it doesn't quite feel comfortable yet either, I know that given time it will.

L

[TheRock]

I know it will get better in time for you too Lisa. How are you doing lately?

[lisaria]

Hey Rock