LOVE and INCOMPATABILITY

[earlylifecrisis]

Has anyone out there been in a relationship where u know the both of you love DEARLY each other but sometimes wander if you are just TOO incompatible to be with each other for the rest of their lives?

 

I have these thoughts some times when I get into arguments with my gf. I think I am quite insecure and sometimes when I feel bad about things I tend to shut down for a while and then later want to talk and work things out with her. I really just want to talk and work things out but she gets defensive and resents me for feeling the way I do. This is nearly ALWAYS the source of our arguments

For example:

I caught her checking some guy out. We were walking and she keeps on staring at him and when we walk past him she turns around a couple of times to keep on checking him out. Obviously I got very upset for disrespecting me like that so I shut down for a while then confront her. She doesn't say sorry (which I would have expected), she gets defensive says why I didn't talk to her while I was in "shut down" mode and says she was just "curious". She said it was just like checking out any other freak on the street with 3 legs or something.

 

Everytime I want to talk about these things she tells me "your not inadequate in any way, I am not comparing you" and gets angry at me for feeling the way I do. We always make up after a while and its because we both know we love each other. But all this is getting emotionally draining. Sometimes I just want a "I am sorry, I didn't mean it, I won't do it again" just out of respect of what I feel is not right.

 

I mean I see her point. Is it me or her? Or are we just not right for each other?

[Mar]

As well you should! There's no need to get defensive or angry if you have a different method of dealing with negative feelings-the thing that counts is that you ARE willing to discuss them, and I myself employ the same method of dealing with fights/discussions with my fiance as you do with your girlfriend, simply for the reason that I want to think about what I'm going to say instead of just shooting off at the mouth and possibly saying something I'll regret.

 

No one should show such obvious disrespect as to check out someone else while in the presense of their sig. other, but that's another story. The issue you're having is her not wanting to discuss problems or getting defensive. Not healthy. All that's going to happen in that instance is that you're going to get fed up with lack of communication (as you're starting to) and eventually decide it's not worth the struggle.

 

I'd suggest sitting down with her and asking her calmly why she doesn't understand that you DO want to discuss things, and that you're just more cautious instead of getting angry off the bat and saying the first thing that comes to your mind. To me, I'd rather my guy waited till he was calm before telling me what was wrong! Ask her why she's unwilling to discuss the things you want to discuss, OR the things she wants to discuss, and emphasize the fact that communication of this sort is KEY in maintaining a healthy relationship. Let her know you get frustrated, and that you feel you're not getting a fair shake. If she gets angry or defensive again, or starts to yell, let her know you're giving her a few minutes to cool down again and leave her alone for a bit, then resume the conversation.

 

I wish you luck-I know it IS frustrating, and one can get fed up pretty quickly with not being allowed to speak one's mind!

 

Mar

[trulyDee]

How about the complete opposite? You get along famously...enough so that you married and lived happily for over 10 years, but just didn't love eachother.

 

Not enough to stay together.

 

It's horrible.