Only been 4 days since the breakup and he has someone else..

[TroubledTwenties]

Hello all,

 

I'm writing because I'm in desperate need of some advice. Some of you have read my previous posts about my ex boyfriend and I. He broke up with me on Sunday...I've decided that no contact was the best thing since we both needed time to work out whatever it is that's bother us (me...sadness, and him...anger) I've heard from many posts that this is the best thing because why should I keep talking to him(it's only helping him get over the break up) and if he wants to get over it let him do it by himself. Not to mention talking to him would be killing me emotionally. Well I kept telling myself that it wasn't my fault that we tried and it just didn't work..plus I also allowd myself to take the blame (he blamed it on me getting moody when he did what he wanted) and talking to other guys on the internet. I knew deep down that I had done nothing wrong. I may have been moody, but that's because he kept pulling away, kept working later, and never wanting to have "us" time, and as far as me talking to other guys, they were my internet friends and all knew that I had a boyfriend, so I didn't see anything wrong with that. Anyway, I kept believe it was my fault we broke up, but some of the things he said seemed strange to me like, "Just promise me you'll call if you ever want to come over...I wouldn't want you to walk up on something small and make it a big deal...like if me and my roommate are having a party or something..." I just let it go...

 

Until yesterday...I was coming from paying my car payment at the bank..and my bank is right accross the street from what used to be my ex and my house, now it's just his. Anyway, I was waiting to turn and a girl was stopped right in front of his street, and I couldn't move because I didn't know if she was going to go straight or turn. She stopped, looked up the street to see if any cars were there...then drove around to the back street where all the parking is. Now I can't be for certain that she was going there for my ex, but what I do know for certain is that my ex is the only one on that street that gets off work at that time (I know because I get off at the same time...so that when we were going out we could spend sometime together before class). I also know that she doesn't live there, because I'd never seen her car before...now my ex's words were in my head..

"Just promise me you'll call if you ever want to come over...I wouldn't want you to walk up on something small and make it a big deal...like if me and my roommate are having a party or something..."

 

I can't believe it, I'm upset because of the 4 years we've known each other he's done the same thing before, kicked me out then been with someone else the very next day. I'm even more upset because he lied to me and tried to put the blame on me, that it was MY fault this time, that he wasn't cheating, but I ask you...if he wasn't cheating, how did the girl know to go around back to park...? hmm...I dunno what to do, I'm just so hurt, and it's like I love my ex and hate him at the same time.

 

Do you guys think I'm overreacting about the girl and stuff? Am I just so obsessed with my ex that I'm seeing what I want to see? Please help!

[Mar]

I definitely think you're overthinking this girl. Don't jump to conclusions on a person that HAPPENED to turn into that street/parking lot, whatever-she could have been turning around, for all you know! Not to mention that there could have been someone home sick in that same complex, she could be a relative of someone, etc. Do NOT get it in your head that she was headed to his house and his house only! All you'll do is work yourself up into a state.

 

Stick to your no contact. You have your issues to work on; he has his. You worrying about what he's up to isn't going to fix the problems! I would also suggest that you don't "casually" ask him about your suspicions about this girl, because it'll only serve to make him angry and you depressed, thereforeeee falling back into that same old pattern. He's never given you a reason to distrust him up to now, I'm guessing-leave it that way!

 

Mar

[Scout]

I don't know...I think your intuition could be right on about this girl, but I agree you should put it out of your head and focus on your own non-contact. This time of NC is for YOU to step back from an emotionally charged situation, do some objective & clear thinking on the relationship AND to do things for yourself, even if you just want to sit at home and mope (don't do it! you'll drive yourself nuts, and miss out on a great opportunity to re-focus on yourself and your needs).

 

I have to say that I think this guy probably is a cheater. "Call before you come over..." Come on! The guy is practically admitting he has something to hide. Regarding his "anger" that you talk to guys on the Internet, in my past experience, the guys that were the most jealous and accusatory were the very ones cheating on me.

 

I would walk away from this relationship if I were you, no matter how hard. He's evasive, and obviously not going to step up to the plate and make a full commitment, yet he didn't have the courage to just say so. Instead, he forced your hand by becoming increasingly unavailable. That's wimpy, and you don't need that. A normal and healthy relationship is a partnership between TWO people, with BOTH doing the work to nurture the trust in the relationship. And you will find someone like this, but not while you're entangled with this guy. Let it go, and find someone that truly will deserve and love you. Remember the good things, but also don't forget why he ultimately wasn't the right person for you and steer clear of anyone in the future who shows any red flags that they have those same traits.

[TroubledTwenties]

Mar and Scout,

 

Thanks for your replies...Mar I understand what you're saying about not jumping to conclusions, but I don't know I have a gut feeling since he has done it before, and after what he told me....well that just makes me think it more...I do know however, that this is my time to heal. It's so hard since it's been four years with him, and he was my first love, etc. What I don't understand is how someone can one day claim they love you and then in the next few days they have "thought" about it and they don't love you anymore...that just seems like a load of crap to me. Either you love someone and it takes a while to get over them or you don't. What do you think?