No contact is working. Now what?

[MC]

So you've implemented no contact for a few weeks and it's obvious that your ex is missing you. She even wants to meet with you, (although she's still seeing someone). What should you do?

 

I ask this question because everyone seems to be talking about no contact, but further steps have been neglected. Even if you go with no contact and your ex starts questioning her decision, you could still mess up everything. I'd appreciate if someone could provide some guidance as to what should be done after no contact begins to work in your favour.

 

In my case, the ex has been calling and even wants to meet with me. I've never been so lost as to what to do. I really don't know how to handle this at this point because there doesn't seem to be any real info on this. I'm really afraid to mess up everything.

 

What is the next step after no contact?

[martyj]

how many times have you broken up?

[Hopingpraying]

It really depends a lot on you MC. If you meet with her are you going to be able to keep your composure and not put your feelings out there so you can be hurt again.

 

Has she said what the reason she wants to meet with you is? Is it just to start a friendship or would she like to try to work things out? If she wants to work things out, what were the orginial reasons for the breakup? Has that problem or problems been solved?

 

There are a lot of things to consider because you don't want to end up starting over again, remember how painful that was? It sucks man...

 

I can say no contact has started working for me too. My wife's attitude has definitely changed towards me. I can see her opening up. She is calling me a lot more. I am hoping it leads to better things but who knows. The issues she has said she had with me I have definitely fixed, I don't know if she has fixed her issues yet. We will see in time.

 

Good luck. Let me know some more specifics so myself and others can help you out with what to do next.

[shockeddismayed]

I'm totally in the same boat MC.

 

What to do when NC starts to work? How much does it need to be working before you are able to take initiative? Or do you simply have to be the passive responder in all of this?

 

I guess what is really getting me was that I had come to see that NC was a response... it gave me some control. Now the EX is hinting at trying again... calling and crying, and I'm not sure what I'm "allowed" to do.

 

Do we simply "react" to their requests? When do we get to start exerting some control again? (ie inviting them out for "positive moments", continuing to keep emotions inside vs sharing, etc).

 

All of this is so much more confusing. It is eating my time.

 

Tell you what MC. I'll try to comment on your situation in my non-expert opinion... you see what you make of mine. Deal? Obviously we're supposed to be helping each other.

[MC]

I'm totally in the same boat MC.

 

What to do when NC starts to work? How much does it need to be working before you are able to take initiative? Or do you simply have to be the passive responder in all of this?

 

I guess what is really getting me was that I had come to see that NC was a response... it gave me some control. Now the EX is hinting at trying again... calling and crying, and I'm not sure what I'm "allowed" to do.

 

Do we simply "react" to their requests? When do we get to start exerting some control again? (ie inviting them out for "positive moments", continuing to keep emotions inside vs sharing, etc).

 

All of this is so much more confusing. It is eating my time.

 

In my case, I believe that I've gone through many of the steps to getting her back. She told me yesterday that she and her new boyfriend have had major arguments because she is always talking about me. He has told her that he thinks she still loves me. She has told me that she loves me and misses me many times.

 

How do I not mess things up at this point? How do I get her to want me back and to say those invaluable words? This is what I want to know. It seems that advice is really hard to come by as to what should be done at this point. It's amazing how everyone has so much advice to give immediately after a break up. I'm referring to no contact advice and so on.

 

To those of you who are doing contact, you better be ready for when they start missing you. What will you do if/when you get in my shoes?

[mlchildr]

MC

 

 

How long have you been doing No Contact before she statred missing you???

[MC]

.

How long have you been doing No Contact before she statred missing you???

 

I asked her not to contact me again about three weeks into the break up and after twelve days she did contact me. Before that she had been the one initiating most of the contact.

[coldcompress]

I am curious about this as well. I am basically in the same situation with MC and S&D, no contact for close to 2 months and she started contacting me for one excuse or another.

 

We have been in contact ever since, friendly and always on good terms. Our past relationship (about 4 years) has rarely been brought up, since frankly I am afraid it might open up my old wounds and hers as well. I have tried to stay aloof and just friendly, but as things are getting better somewhat (spending time alone on "dates", various gestures from her showing that she misses me), I am getting worried because tender feelings are creeping back in bit by bit, and I know if I go on like this I will soon feel the same way about her as i did before, and I worry I might get hurt again.

 

So now I am wondering if there are any big NOs at this stage of the "game"? I would love to hear from someone who has gone through this. What can I do right now, to make her go back to feeling about me as when we first went out? How can I figure out where she is standing right now, what her motive is for contacting me and what she wants out of all this? (friendship or romance?) Also how can I make sure not to get hurt again? I think all of us in this thread would be grateful for some clues.... Thanks

[MC]

I became convinced of this today.

 

While this forum is more than helpful, and provides major guidelines, sometimes we depend on it too much. Everybody's situation is different and there has to be some bending of the rules at times.

 

In my case, I have been showing my ex that I'm doing well for a while now. I've done no contact and the works. She has told me that she misses me and loves me and that she has had several heated arguments with her boyfriend because he thinks that she still has feelings for me. As I said in another post, she talks about me all the time.

 

Anyway, today I spoke to her over the phone for a while and I realized that I had to let some of my feelings out. I had to show her that I still had feelings for her. But I would let her say the words first then I would tell her how I felt.

 

My point is that you should know your ex, especially if you guys were together for years, and try to take the steps that you think are best. Don't let this forum dictate your every action.

 

Our conversation ended like this. I told her: Baby say the words. And she told me "I love you" with a sweet voice like when we were together. I then responded "I love you too", and we both sensed the sincerity.

 

I called her 5 minutes later and told her how strongly I felt when we exchanged these words. I asked her how she felt and she said that it felt like we were still together. Then I told her: "Let's leave it like that" and she said "I love you baby" and I said "I love you a lot". There was a lot of chemistry in these exchanges. The tone of voice was very intense.

 

So instead of acting strong I took my chances and let this girl know that I still have feelings for her. But it was only after I had done no contact, acted happy, acted strong and so on.

 

And one more thing about my situation. She had another argument with her new boyfriend last night because she told him that she met me yesterday. He asked her whether she still loves me and she said "I don't know". He became furious.

 

I hope we get back together. I don't want mine to be another case of so close but yet so far.

[Belle]

MC,

I'm happy that this seems to be working out for you. I am in the 2nd week of no contact and I haven't heard a thing. Not a whisper. From a guy who was supposed to be crazy about me. Over a fight that was teh stupidest thing in the world.

 

I am sure he will call me at some point, he didn't seem to want to break up and asked to call me again "later". I will be in this same boat of "what do I do now?" and I hope you're around to help me through it.

 

Belle

[shockeddismayed]

MC...

 

That is optimistic news!!!! Hopefully things will continue to work out.

 

I agree totally that you need to weigh the options, but in the end, you choose how to respond. You DO know the other party best... and no matter how well you write, there are always contextual details that forum readers will miss out on.... use the forum as a tool to vet your assumptions against... nothing more.

 

Coldcompress... on that note, I want to help, but I don't feel I have the detail to do so... I'd need to follow up on our story first. However, your use of the word "dates" is puzzling me... perhaps the biggest problem is that you haven't defined what you are doing. If she isn't with anyone else, you may very well be on a date... but if she is, you should be careful. However... assuming she is single.... you might need to assume you are on a date and just see where it goes... this is liable to get you hurt, so play it aloof until you can read her signals.... you know her best... good luck.

 

As for me... I just had a big update with my EX. We spent about 4 hours yesterday and today sorting out some thoughts... I kept my composure through it all, while she cried. I needed to put a bee in her bonnet so that she would "get to it" and make figuring out her feelings a priority. I know her from 7 years experience to know that if she didn't get a push, she'd avoid sorting things out until it is too late. Any of you are welcome to give your thoughts... but at this point I am back on NC (I think).

[raider5]

I don't know how much this will help, because I'm in a unique situation, but I'll try.

 

My situation: she dated ex for 1 year (knows him for 3), he broke up with her twice before, met me, we dated for 4.5 months, he learns about me and then 1 month later he starts begging for her back and she goes back(long distance). We broke up 8 months ago, we work/have school together. She'll probably leave with him in 5 months. I still love her.

 

If you've made it to step two there's two things you could do. Follow the advice given on here. Take it easy. Don't talk about the relationship. Don't be overly available. And wait for that day that the ex decides to talk to you about the relationship.

 

And if that doesn't come?

 

I read on this forum of one success story where a guy on hear basically said to his girl, "I love you. I want to marry you. But I can't take the pain anymore. ****ing leave me alone" The girl came back 7 months later. Well I decided to try this but without the hostility, and I didn't really tell why I would be avoiding her (I'm sure that was a mistake, but I can't to much about it now.)

 

Reasons I chose the LEAVE ME ALONE! method:

- I couldn't get past step #2, she wouldn't question her relationship with him or with me. She was in a pretty good situation.

- She's with her ex

- I don't want to end up in friend zone

- If she comes back, I want her to come back because she loved me, not because I slowly coaxed her back

- She wasn't giving me anything good. She wanted to spend time together, she still has feelings for me, and still misses me, but she still has very strong feelings for her ex. So I wasn't going to be there basking in the pain, keeping her happy when the ex is being an d*** to her. I have to wait for that relationship to die, if ever, before we start again.

 

Being with her while she was hooked on him just meant more pain, risking becoming a friend, and left her in the best of places. She could take all the time she wanted with him, she could be happy with me and have both of us at the same time.

 

Basically I thought to myself. If she really does love me, if she realizes the mistake shes making then she'll fight for me. If she doesn't then, the love really didn't have the time/circumstance to get strong enough. Either way, Id have to cut contact further and pray for another chance further down the road.

 

Now this definitely isn't for everyone. If you're ex says he/she loves you then you should definitely not cut contact further. But if you meet, you talk, they miss you, you hang out to together, but after months your still no closer to being back together. Maybe you should consider NC again so they can think things over again.

 

 

 

I just pray for another chance...

[coldcompress]

MC, that is good news... But I am curious to what you have said to her on the phone before you finally said that? I feel something in her voice or your conversation must've convinced you to say that, knowing that the reply wouldn't be too far from what you are expecting? I would really like to know what turns out after this move... This is kind of the idea i have been toying with in my head as well, and if it really works out at the end surely it is worth a gamble. Give us more updates please.

 

S&D about your update it is quite funny, because I had went through that exact thing with my ex, where after our NC period I kind of asked her what is the deal and although i was being calm and somewhat aloof, she started crying and couldn't really stop. I guess it is because there are a lot of repressed feelings, especially if they initiated the breakup, they also feel guilty. I think it is good though to get some of that out before you start to try anything like flirting again, so the sight of you won't be directly associated with all that bad feelings they had about themselves. Does that make sense?

 

Anyways, I think you are right that my biggest problem is I don't know where she stands. I am not even sure if she is going out with someone else; I knew that some guy was interested, but we had briefly spoke of it and she said they are just friends. Which I don't necessarily *not* believe... I am pretty in the dark for this one. When I said "dates" I meant we went out to see some movie, and then we went out to a restaurant. And the whole time was quite pleasant, she said she really missed me, and afterwards when I walked her home to say good bye she gave me one of those nonfriendly hugs that was too tight and lasted too long, yet there was no follow up. It made me very confused so i basically just said I had a good time and left. I was not sure but it almost seemed like she wanted me to do something or make a move, because after the hug she did not back away and stayed a breath away from me and looked into my eyes... I could be imagining though, and that's what worries me. I just don't now how to interpret the signals. She also held me when we were walking, like before, which made me confused as well. After that night she called me and told me that she had a really great time, to which i said "me too", but no further conversations. I guess I am just not willing to act actively yet, for the fear of being rejected and throwing out all this no contact effort. But maybe MC's example is what I need to do, I am not sure. Definitely I need to find out more where she is standing right now.

 

Anyways as usual this forum has been a great help. thanx

[MC]

Making it through stage three is hard and it's beginning to tear me apart.

 

Yesterday we spoke. A lot of relationship talk. I asked her if she still felt how she felt the day before (whether she still loved me) and she said yes. I asked her whether she ever thought of asking me back and she said yes. She said she has wondered whether I would accept her back. (This girl keeps giving me the impression that I mean a lot to her and that I'll always be on her mind. )

 

I don't know if I went a little too far by letting her know that I still want her back. I only said this because I didn't want to make her feel that I was too happy with life and that I didn't care. When I told it to her she said she was happy to hear it. That she was happy to know that I still have feelings for her. I added that despite my feelings I don't want to pressure her and that I want us to take it slow. I told her that I probably shouldn't have told her that I still want her back and that I apologize, but she asked why I was apologizing. Her reaction didn't show that she was being pushed away. I told her that whatever will be, will be.

 

She asked me whether I thought that the fact that we've both slept with others during this break up wouldn't affect us if we went back together. I said that since we're not together and it's not like we're cheating, it wouldn't affect me. When she said this, it was evident that she had been thinking about how it would be if we got back together.

 

But I still think that I went a little overboard. I let out my feelings to this girl and I don't know how much neediness it portrayed. Anyway, after the conversation I didn't feel so good and in control like I used to feel before. Although my day didn't go too badly afterwards, let me add that for the first time in weeks, I cried tonight.

 

She's supposed to call me in the morning. (After her boyfriend leaves for work). This time I want it to be different. I took a big risk by expressing my feelings but from now on I'm gonna let her do most of the talking. I'm gonna keep talking to her for a few days to see whether we make any progress. If not, I'm going back into no contact to keep my sanity.

 

Something keeps telling me that I made a big mistake by making myself seem so available. I don't know. When we talk in the morning, I'll do a lot of listening. No letting these deep feelings out. Maybe all is not lost here, but I think that I may just have gone a little too far. I may have given her the security she needs. Who knows. Anyway, after our next conversation, I'll have a better idea of the effect that what I said had on her.

 

I don't want to be trapped in this stage. It will be torture. The mistake I made yesterday was probably doing too much of the talking. But I felt that I had to give things a little push. She didn't act like she was uncomfortable with what I saidd. But let's see what happens.

[MC]

MC, that is good news... But I am curious to what you have said to her on the phone before you finally said that? I feel something in her voice or your conversation must've convinced you to say that, knowing that the reply wouldn't be too far from what you are expecting? I would really like to know what turns out after this move... This is kind of the idea i have been toying with in my head as well, and if it really works out at the end surely it is worth a gamble. Give us more updates please.

 

I let the conversation flow. I wasn't pushing her or forcing her into any subject she felt uncomfortable with. She had been expressing her feelings for me. She had been making me feel really wanted. She just hadn't said the words, "I love you". I was confident that she would say it.

 

You used the word "gamble". At this stage this word is very appropriate. I think I have really been gambling lately. Particularly with reference to my last post.

 

But from now on I'm gonna really try to hold back my feelings. When we talk again, I'll have a different approach. I'll let her bring up things instead.

[MC]

The Morrigan wrote in "So you want your ex back - tips, do's and don'ts":

 

be encouraging you're interested in starting over again with them - without making it an issue you don't want to talk it out if they're not ready for that.

 

Maybe I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't make it "an issue", and when I immediately apologized for trying to push her into something, she insisted that she sees no need for an apology and that she was happy to hear it.

[MC]

So I messed up my chances. After speaking to her today I realised that telling her that I wanted her back was a BIG MISTAKE. For the first time she wasn't bringing up the relationship. It is evident that this is due to the fact that I've shown her that I care and I really want her back. I really let out my feelings. WEAKNESS!!!

 

Towards the end of the conversation I let her know that I want her back but then I called her back to say that I don't think I did what was right; that I should let her make her own decisions. I made a mistake but what the f$%k, I'm only human.

 

But I'm not gonna worry about this too much. As of today I'm implementing no contact once again. I've done it before so I can do it again. I'm not gonna answer her calls. I'M GOING TO VOW ON THIS FORUM TODAY THAT I WILL NOT ANSWER HER CALLS FOR AN ENTIRE TWO WEEKS. Mark my words.

 

She's gonna have to suffer. I'm not even going to tell her not to call me like I did before.

 

I've pushed her away and I'm gonna change this. I will win this fight.

[GeeCee]

Hmmmm .... MC

 

Life surely is spinning funny at the moment, as SincerelyHurt would say! I am sorry for the pain that you, no doubt, are going through at the moment. I remember the agonies of your last nc. Believe me, I am finding it much much easier with every passing day. And I was never a fan of it.

 

Now, my point is this, I notice that in an earlier post, you wrote about the merits of nc as a strategy for getting back your ex. I still, fundamentally believe that IT IS NOT!!! No ex will come back, if you ignore them, unless they want to. They may well start to doubt their decision, but it will not FORCE them to come back, out of curiosity of anything else. I do, however, now believe in nc as a strategy for getting yourself back together, an opportunity to slowly stop obsessing about the ex and when they will make a move.

 

The other thing that I think that we have done wrong (and I am thinking of you, me and SincerelyHurt), is we thought that once the exes had initiated some kind of contact, some of kind of discussion about the relationship, about wanting to see us etc), we almost got overly confident and thought we were on the home straight. Now this has clearly not been the case FOR ANY ONE OF US. Given a reoccurrence of my past events, if my ex now initiated contact I would avoid it (as you did, as SincerelyHurt did), and I would start to make some demands of my own. I might not be ready, and I certainly would not be available, or so complacent.

 

We all want to win. What we have to do is look at the long term gains from playing things very close to our chest. That means NO relationship talk, even when they initiate it, and definitely no talk about the FUTURE.

 

Good luck with the latest round!!

 

G xx

[MC]

GeeCee,

 

I believe that this is what happened in my case. I was TOO CONFIDENT. I gave her too much.

 

I see the point you're making as far as the merits of no contact are concerned. It is causing me to rethink whether I should stick to strict no contact or minimal contact at this point. Because at some point there must be contact for the two of you to get back together. But I know that I need to give her some time to bring her back to the way she was feeling before I made those silly mistakes. I don't know how far back I sent her but I don't think it should take too long for her to start calling.

 

The difference is that this time I didn't inform her that I wouldn't be contacting her or that she shouldn't contact me. This will allow me to be flexible. I'm sure she thinks that I will call her back soon (like tomorrow). When I don't she will be surprised.

 

One thing is for sure and it's that no contact will make them miss you and possibly bring back old feelings. In my case it certainly did.

 

The past few days I was really doing well. I messed up everything but I certainly do not think that all is lost. She cannot lose those feelings she has/had for me so easily.

 

Before too long I should have some good news.

[coldcompress]

Sorry to hear you are regretting your move, MC. I hope you will be doing alright. Although, since we can never really know whether or not a move we make now is the right one or not, I guess really all this(including NC) is a gamble isn't it?

Anyways I think you are making the right decision now, to pull back again and put those strong feelings back in the reserve. She will no doubt start to wonder, why the sudden change of behaviour again, and hopefully will once again doubt herself and her decisions.

 

so is the general consensus here then to hold yourself back and stay aloof even when the other person has initiated contact and interest again? It seems to be the common experience from you and GeeCee.

 

I think that is what I will do in my situation too, just cause I don't even know exactly what my ex is feeling right now and the situation is very ambiguous. I think it will probably be better to just wait it out and see her clarify her feelings and intentions, instead of forcing anything out of her. But definitely I will do more of what GeeCee said, make demands for myself. The only thing that makes me restless, is that I have no clue when I will be able to finally stop playing this "game". I guess that is the nature of this waiting game.

[GeeCee]

One thing is for sure and it's that no contact will make them miss you and possibly bring back old feelings. In my case it certainly did.

 

Oh MC - I don't mean to be contrary all the time, but seems I am disagreeing with others frequently at the moment.

 

I will say this again, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT NC CAN FORCE ANOTHER TO MISS YOU AND BRING BACK OLD FEELINGS. It might make them doubt their decision, but it cannot make them feel what they do not feel. Your ex is indecisive. She is unsure of her decision, and that is what will bring her back. That, and you getting on with your life rapidly, without her. Dents her ego, you see!!!

 

Coldcompress ... you are perfectly right. The waiting game is HIDEOUS!

 

G xx

[MC]

I think that in my case I simply went a little too far. I had the fish but somehow I let it slip away. I strayed from the basic guildelines and I have paid the consequences. She didn't show signs of being upset or anything but it was evident that I had crossed the line and that she had been "pushed".

 

I did too much talking. I should have let her give me 75% and give back 25%. This is the way it had been for a while until, being over confident, I started giving the greater proportion. I was too brave and too complacent. Don't do like I did.

 

Isn't this an interesting game, fellow dumpees? I feel like I'm getting a serious education here. My approach to future relationships will/should never be the same after this experience. Don't you realize that we have a lot of power? See how we're manipulating things and how they react to all our tricks.

[GeeCee]

Hmmmmm ... sometimes, MC, sometimes.

 

But MC, remember lessons learned ... overconfidence does not get ANYONE ANYWHERE. Remember that!!!

[MC]

One thing is for sure and it's that no contact will make them miss you and possibly bring back old feelings. In my case it certainly did.

 

 

Oh MC - I don't mean to be contrary all the time, but seems I am disagreeing with others frequently at the moment.

 

I will say this again, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT NC CAN FORCE ANOTHER TO MISS YOU AND BRING BACK OLD FEELINGS. It might make them doubt their decision, but it cannot make them feel what they do not feel. Your ex is indecisive. She is unsure of her decision, and that is what will bring her back. That, and you getting on with your life rapidly, without her. Dents her ego, you see!!!

G xx

 

GeeCee, I see the point you're making. Let me put it this way. No contact will cause them to express their feelings, but the feelings MUST be there in the first place. No contact does create the impression that you are getting on with your life. However there is certainly no guarantee that they will return. (My opinion.)

 

GeeCee, I have one question for you though. Do you know of a better alternative to no contact?

[MC]

so is the general consensus here then to hold yourself back and stay aloof even when the other person has initiated contact and interest again? It seems to be the common experience from you and GeeCee.

 

Let the other person give you more than you give them. Do a lot of listening. Allow them to let out their feelings. How about a 75%, 25% ratio? Something close to that might do the trick.

 

I believe that you've got to give something but don't go overboard like me and some of us here. Yesterday, I gave her 75%. This morning, my aim was to give only 25% but she was giving me nothing, NADA. Being unprepared for this, I then gave her 100%. BIG NO NO!