I've absolutely had it.

[fixyou_]

Okay, well...If you've seen any of my posts before, you know that I rarely go out. Okay, so my friend that I haven't seen in a while invited me over her house for a small birthday thing...and it's tomorrow. Since I can't find a damn job,I don't have a car. So I use my mom's to go to school, and that's it. I asked if I could use the car tomorrow before we went to a family event, and she said yeah. So, tonight I just make sure I can still take it, and she flipped out on me, saying that I NEVER ASKED, and that she was going to work overtime. So, I flipped out because I don't even go out! The one time I have plans, it figures.

So, I come home and go downstairs in my room, and I can hear her upstairs, sitting at the table with my stepfather and stepbrother...talking s-word about me...about how she "keeps giving me chances and 'she' doesn't know why", "I'm tired of her treating me like this", "She'll always be a selfish b-word, and I want her out of my house."

 

Yeah, I've been hearing how much of a selfish b-word I am since I was a kid. I would give the clothes off of my back for someone who didn't have them, and I always tip-toe around people so I don't upset anyone.

 

My mom completely changed since she met my stepdad, who constantly calls me a "rodent" and a "selfish ingrate". Yeah, the only time I fight with my mom is when she's wicked loud, especially in public, and then she just makes an even bigger scene out of it by looking around at people and saying "I can't believe this!"...like people give a crap about what you have to say. My stepbrother gets whatever he wants, he always has. He has so much money in his bank account, but NO, my mom can't pay for my school, so I'm up to my ass in student loans. He's already set to buy a new car and pay for a few semesters and he's only ten.

 

And lately, I've realized...that no one has truly ever loved me, other than my grandparents, whom I love dearly and my dogs. I was with a guy, and stuck around for sooo long after we broke up, letting him use me....and I just realized within this past week...that he never loved me. He asked me to marry him, we got rings...and he didn't want to tell anyone in his family, and only wore his ring once when we went out. I still have mine.

 

Since I have to babysit my stepbrother, I have to work out my classes around him..and my mom gives me 100 a week for watching him, taking him to and from school, doing all of the laundry, making him food, and her and my stepdad will randomly just leave and not tell me...and take off to foxwoods for the night/early morning. Every time I find a job opening that works for me, I never get it, and even if I did, my mom flips out every time I tell her I can't watch him anymore. Next year, I have my observing hours from 7-2, so then I really can't watch him.

 

I'm so tired of being treated like a rag doll from everyone. I try so hard to help out, and nothing good ever comes back to me.

 

Last night before I went to bed, I wished and thought, that I would just never wake up again. I would be perfectly fine. What do I have to live for? My dogs? My grandfather who is too busy with his new wife (my Nana died)....I don't have anything. I can't concentrate in school. I just think about dying all the time.

 

Please be advised that I'm too much of a wuss to actually kill myself, which is why I thought of just never waking up.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know what to do, I haven't for a while.

[rebelfac]

Are you going to school for a specific career? Traditional colleges, for most, are a complete waist of time and money. I also read an article that only 12% of college grads can find a career job after graduating recently. Trade schools are much better. You can also PM me and i will tell you what you can do immediately. The traditional route for most no longer works. Many will say well everyone has a degree so I need a masters. WRONG

Thinking outside the box is essential these days.

[fixyou_]

I'm in my junior year for English and Secondary Education. My high school was a trade school, and I hated it. I know I'll be able to get a job when I finish my BA, but that doesn't help me right now.

[fixyou_]

I got a state school, btw. It's about 5k a semester.

[pinkelephant]

You can't move out as an independent, get grants and more loans?? you're in the states? look for some sort of welfare and get the hell out.

 

Don't look for an appartment, you won't be able to afford it. instead, look for rooms in other people's houses that you can rent out. that can be cheaper.

 

 

p.s. i kinda know how you feel. my sister is in ELEMENTARY school and it costs 500$ US per MONTH. my dad has given me a couple of grand (since college) and he's always * * * * * ing and moaning about it.

[fixyou_]

I can't even get loans through the government, I had to finance through my school. My parent's household income exceeds 250k, so I can't get anything. I've applied for grants, and they've been declined too. (T.E.A.C.H). Even if I was able to move out, I don't have a car at the moment, so it would not even be worth it because I couldn't get to school. We don't have public transportation around here.

[pinkelephant]

I can't even get loans through the government, I had to finance through my school. My parent's household income exceeds 250k, so I can't get anything. I've applied for grants, and they've been declined too. (T.E.A.C.H). Even if I was able to move out, I don't have a car at the moment, so it would not even be worth it because I couldn't get to school. We don't have public transportation around here.

 

you could apply for loans as an independent, can't you? and appeal too.

[WickedSunrise]

Unfortunately, I don't think its that easy to just become an independent... I would have done it. I pay for much of my own school, yet the FAFSA stuff counts my parent's income.

[WickedSunrise]

If you lived near your classes you wouldn't need a car. You could try to find a room on campus? Or transfer to a campus that does have public transportation. I see you're from MA? I'm actually from there too. I don't know which school you go to, but you could apply to transfer to Umass Boston where there is plenty of public transport.