In a bind.

[kiefer07]

Folks, I seek advice. But first, please have a look in my post history for an old thread I posted in March 2008. There's a lot of history there and I want to update from that point forward.

 

After all that, I went down to her country and spent three weeks with her... although we enjoyed our time together in general, a lot of it was quite stressful because of everything that had happened. She is now back here, and after a long and stressful time with immigration she finally has her papers and is now going to university full time for a degree that she is VERY interested in. I couldn't be happier for her, finally seeing her be able to do what she wants.

 

I'm also, I confess, thrilled that I finally get to have the apartment to myself for some moments during the day and during the week. The way our schedules work out, I come home to an empty house and she comes home a couple of hours later.

 

Now what happens is this. Sometimes I do look forward to her coming home. But there are lots of moments where I feel more stressed out thinking about her coming home, and I get stressed out BECAUSE I am getting stressed out. It just folds over onto itself and gets bigger and bigger. Then when I hear the key in the lock, I tense up, take a deep breath and try and put on a good face for my woman so she doesn't suffer.

 

But what happens then is I'm having a hard time really and truly relaxing when I'm around her. It's as if we are in a different sync.

 

With friends, and sometimes with family, it almost seems seamless, we agree we want to go to a movie, we go out to dinner, we hit the pub for a drink, we veg out at home, and it's all so very easy and relaxing. And our conversations are so very easy too... standard banter, some fire, some intense discussions about politics, philosophy, our lives, etc.

 

But with this woman I almost feel forced. Our interests are VERY different. She is more of the scientific type and I am more of the artistic type. I like to do movies, books, philosophy, the arts. I like to ramble and take the long, long way from A to B and I am OK if I don't always get to B. She is more scientific, logic, straight to the point, and likes to take a beeline from A to B. We also have huge differences in language - English is not her first - and I have a hearing problem which complicates things further. We are impatient with each other, and I get frustrated with her when she wants to cut to the point - feeling like she isn't interested in what I have to say. She gets frustrated when I ramble or when I don't catch what she says the first time.

 

But not to say that it is all hell. It's good, and we love each other and we want this so much to work out. And when I am alone and I look at photos of the two of us on the computer, or when I think about her, or when I talk about her with other people, I feel GOOD. Like, sincerely good. Happy, excited, and proud of her. When we are together, in bed together, we love it. We love cuddling, doing baby talk, making spoons as we sleep. We can barely sleep without the other in bed.

 

But when we are in normal life, when I come home from work and I am tired and want to watch a movie I feel I have to convince her to watch the movie, or to go to the pub, or whatever. When SHE is up for it, I'm not up for it. So, again, it is like we are totally out of sync with each other.

 

It's driving me nuts. I am tired of this, and want to relax and have an easy, smooth relationship with NORMAL problems. This doesn't feel normal. And if we are committed to each other in a long-term thing, I do not want to have to live like this. Neither does she.

 

So she will be moving out (I think anyway). It could turn out that when she comes home from school tonight we'll look at each other and think it's just stupid for us to live in different places. But then, next week, we'll change our minds again.

 

I feel the need to make a strong decision one way or another. But it seems as if it's either the frying pan or the fire. Not an easy decision.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

 

Thanks all.

[waveseer]

Being in sync with your long term partner is cyclical. It will come around again. Then it will leave again. Then it will come around again. And so on.