aprilflowers Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 What do you do when the Ex drifts in out? (email, occasional phone call, one in- person visit to my house that was very nice because he wanted to give me a book...). This has happened for 4 months since our breakup. I've initiated some too. But not much. A friend said "pay attention to it as long as it doesn't hurt or upset you." My question is this: why do they do it? Link to comment
ohdammm Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 What do you do when the Ex drifts in out? (email, occasional phone call, one in- person visit to my house that was very nice because he wanted to give me a book...). This has happened for 4 months since our breakup. I've initiated some too. But not much. A friend said "pay attention to it as long as it doesn't hurt or upset you." My question is this: why do they do it? It depends on what you what to come out of all of this..My advice to anyone who is dealing with still talking to an ex.. Nothing good is going to come out of it... as ive said in previous posts.. Cut off all contact. You guys broke up for a reason. The reason why ex's keep in conact is because of comfort. You keep that person on the back burner just in case someone better doesnt come along. Or... If you find out the other person found someone else, you will do anything in your power to try and get that person to come back because you want them to yourself even though you may not love them anymore. Nothing good will come out of it. You just need to let go. Change your number if you dont have enough self control to stop the contact (ie texts,emails, calls). The best thing for you to do at this point is to keep yourself busy. You seem as if your still in the healing stage and your still not over the situation. Break ups are always hard so its good to just keep your mind off of the person who is causing you to go crazy.. Go out with friends, have fun, meet new people.. and just leave your ex as an ex, no contact is needed...again, it does you no good. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 April, I know you're confused. We all are! A lot of people think the mixed messages thing is to keep you close by for their egos but I think it is based more on their confusion and also routine. They are used to us being around and even though they don't want the commitment, it is hard for them to let go too. Unless, of course, they like someone new, then they leave us in the dust! If you're trying to get him back, I would continue to talk to him in a limited way. Don't initiate and don't be too available. And don't talk about the relationship unless he brings it up. If you find that keeping up the charade is too much, then it is usually better for you to go NC. But if you have patience and self control (and luck) you can see where this limited contact leads you. I hope you find some happiness. Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Ohdamm, why are you on this forum if you don't think couples who have broken up should reconcile? Link to comment
ohdammm Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Ohdamm, why are you on this forum if you don't think couples who have broken up should reconcile? It all depends on the reason for the break up... People don't break up for the hell of it. It usually happens because of something that cannot be fixed, love has faded etc.. Im my past experinces.. nothing good has come out of talking to ex's.. same with friends and loved ones. All it does is creates the same problem as to why you broke up in the first place. Things may change for a short period of time but the problems will start arising again.. Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 It all depends on the reason for the break up... People don't break up for the hell of it. It usually happens because of something that cannot be fixed, love has faded etc.. Im my past experinces.. nothing good has come out of talking to ex's.. same with friends and loved ones. All it does is creates the same problem as to why you broke up in the first place. Things may change for a short period of time but the problems will start arising again.. Do you know the name of this forum? Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Bickering aside.... Problems will arise in any friendship/relationship but the myth seems to be that if you claim to love and care for someone... you'll get back together. It's more than that, I mean how would you be able to work out anything in life if you don't try... is that how you approach school, life, work? Not trying to gang up on you... but you do have to work things out eventually. People are not kleenex. Link to comment
ohdammm Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Do you know the name of this forum? Yes, pretty sure I can read quite well. Thank you though. If you have a problem with my posts and opinions, feel free to message me like an adult instead of ruining her thread. Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Yes, pretty sure I can read quite well. Thank you though. If you have a problem with my posts and opinions, feel free to message me like an adult instead of ruining her thread. I just don't understand why people would get on this forum and write messages to those that are here and hurting and are trying to reach a goal. I understand that you are trying to help and are sharing your own experiences, but ultimately it is up to the person to decide if their ex is worth the trouble or not. Giving a blanket opinion like "it didn't work for me, so it won't for for you" doesn't come off as helpful. Now, in response to the OP, I think that any movement in talks about reconciliation should come from your ex. I know it is hard and I am currently in the same situation. The reason why it is coming off as "mixed messages" is because your ex probably is a little bit confused. They are experiencing all of the changes in their new life just like we are and it's a little scary. I wouldn't push too hard or bring up anything that would put any pressure on him, though. I had been contemplating going into LC with my ex last week but was instructed not to. Then, I get an IM from him on Thursday night and we talked for 4 hours! Nothing serious, he kept the conversation going until I ended it. I don't know if it means anything and I don't know when/if it will happen again, but chances are that if you are thinking about whether or not you should be talking to him, he is probably wondering if he should be talking to you. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 I agree with Ohdammm. Look at the OPs situation...4 months of the ex drifting in and out of her life..but yet no movement to reconciliation. This is how it is in most cases of LC post breakup...it just goes nowhere. It is forever torture for the dumpee..the dumpee hoping that reconciliation might be around the corner with all the contact..but in the meantime the dumper is dating others and has no such reconciliation in his/her mind. It is just one big time waster and one big emotional rollercoaster for the dumpee who is hoping to reconcile..and thinks that keeping in contact gives them a better chance at it. Many people who do indeed get back together have gotten back together after a complete split..NC for months or even years. If someone truly loves you they won't forget you even if there is months or years of silence between them. It seems from everything I have read on here that LC following a break up does not result in getting back together..it just leaves the dumpee in limbo land unable to move on with their life. Link to comment
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