Two guys and a girl

[kiwifly]

I'm in grad school and have a bit of a problem. I've been placed in a group with two guys who are both from the same hometown so they've become good friends over the past few weeks. Both of them seem to be flirting with me, but I'm finding myself attracted to one over the other, let's say B over A. To not lead the other one on, I've been trying to direct my flirting to B, who seems to be flirting heavily right back, but I see that A is still trying to get my attention. Then there are times that the two of them start talking and act like I'm not even there!

 

So I'm just confused here. I'm pretty much 100% sure that B is into me - I can tell from the look in his eye and the way he acts around me/talks to me. But is he holding back from doing anything more because of A? And what's with the ignoring me at certain times??

[Scylla]

First off, I love your avatar (Gwen is my favorite!).

 

Secondly, its normal for women to have this kind of 'double' flirt thing going on, where we have a safety guy if the one we really like doesn't feel mutual. Is this a great trait in women? No. But it happens when we don't mean for it to happen sometimes.

 

I'd say just try to make friendly talk with the one you're not interested. Maybe even things in the morning when you first see him like, "Hey buddddddy" (think: Pauly Shore) or something to let him know you're just chummy with him. Whatever conflict he has with his best bud that you are more interested in is their problem. You didn't pursue either into hooking up or having sex with either so you are okay. (Now, if you did that, it would be a whole other story).

 

Maybe try to catch the one you're more interested in alone sometime and ask to hang out. You can even be honest like, "I think your buddy likes me too.. but honestly, I'm more interested in you" if you are bold enough!

 

And re-reading your post- the one you are more interested in might have a girlfriend (you never know- so that may be why he's holding back), or playing 'wingman' for his buddy who likes you.. or more so, thinking you're interested in his friend and he has no chance, so why bother?

 

As far as the ignoring you, are they talking about sports and stuff? Maybe they think you're not interested? Or are they talking about parties/girls/sexual conquests, etc? Maybe they don't think you can 'hang' with the men and join in? No clue.

[kiwifly]

See, that's what I'm trying so hard to do! To be more chummy with one, but more flirty with the other. But I think it's because I naturally laugh and smile with just about any person I talk to that A still thinks there's a chance? I try to focus more on B, like ask him questions about himself, his interests, and I give him some compliments - these are things I don't do for A. Maybe I need to pick up the flirting? Then again, I don't want to scare him off.

 

For if he has a girlfriend, I don't think he does. He hasn't mentioned any girls, and he said his roomates are just old college buddies of his. And when the two of them talk, it's mainly just like two guys talking about random stuff and joking around. Not about girls or anything...

 

I don't know how to put it into words, but the way he looks at me says that he really does want to ask me out and take this further. I just get this feeling that A has something to do with not doing anything!

[Scylla]

Well, here's a case where brutal honesty works best. Hate to say it, but you should really talk to the one you're more interested ALONE. The rest should (SHOULD, hopefully) fall into place.

 

If you let B know you're more interested in him, odds are it will get back to A and hopefully A will back off. He can dismiss you in his mind as 'what a tease!' or whatever, but then at least he'll know where you stand and stop the flirting or thinking he has a chance. It will also CLEARLY let B know your deal.

 

Find him on facebook (stalking time!) and shoot him a message if you feel uncomfy in person. In person usually works (or phone) because you can usually get a feel for how the person is feeling based on their reaction. If online, they have time to think about it, and respond back and who knows what they'll say then. Hope it helps.

[Day_Walker]

At this point you havent said that either has made a move so I dont really see a problem. Unless one really makes a move, or you make a move then its just flirting and its harmless.

[kiwifly]

It's hard to get him alone, since the two of them are always together, even during lunch breaks!

 

And see that's the thing. I feel like B wants to make a move but isn't because either a) he is aware that A might be attracted to me too or b) isn't sure that I'm really into him and not A.

 

So are you saying there is a chance that neither of them want to go further than flirting, since neither of them have made a move? I'd make a move, but B seems pretty shy and I don't want to scare him off.

[gidget1]

If they hang out in their spare time at school then they have DEFINITELY talked about you, and both know about one/both liking you. Trust me.

I'd just say pursue the one you like the most. Don't flirt or show interest to the one you don't.

[kiwifly]

Alright, so now I'm left scratching my head. Just say B earlier today, and when I asked what he's up to this weekend he said he's heading with a guy friend of his to some nice lounge. Even though I mentioned how it sounded nice and how it would be nice to go somewhere like that (what I thought are hints?) he never asked me if I wanted to come along or anything of the sort.

 

So does this confirm that he was just flirting for fun and nothing more?

[Scylla]

Alright, so now I'm left scratching my head. Just say B earlier today, and when I asked what he's up to this weekend he said he's heading with a guy friend of his to some nice lounge. Even though I mentioned how it sounded nice and how it would be nice to go somewhere like that (what I thought are hints?) he never asked me if I wanted to come along or anything of the sort.

 

So does this confirm that he was just flirting for fun and nothing more?

 

He's scoping out other girls, or playing the field more so. No biggie because you should be doing that too! Don't make him you priority... yet. I think the clues you've left were fine. Maybe around Wed next week ask him what he's doing that weekend. If nothing, maybe then ask him to hang out. He should get it loud and clear then (not "oh i'd like to do that too.." after he already made pals with his guy pal). You know?

[kiwifly]

I guess so...

 

Actually maybe about an hour after I made that post I had to go back to school to give him something. Meanwhile, he was sitting there talking to this other girl (who, for the past few weeks, looks like she's trying to flirt with him too). And even though i came in and sat next to him, he totally ignored me and continued to talking to her, not even caring to look over to me or even say "hi"!! It came to a point where I had to interrupt him and I quickly gave him the notes I had and just took off.

 

It was horrible

[pinkelephant]

aw, but at least you know.

[Scylla]

aw, but at least you know.

 

This is the main point. Now you don't have to waste anymore time wondering, ya know?

[kiwifly]

Uh - plot twist!

 

So yesterday our group was sitting and chatting and at some point A mentioned that he went to visit his girlfriend's family over the weekend. I was shocked to hear that he had a girlfriend, but then in my mind I started to think - uh oh, if he has one, then maybe B does too?! So I jokingly asked B if he also visited his girlfriend to get free food and he just laughed. At first I thought this was good, he didnt say yes so that means he's still single. But then after a brief pause A asked him whether his girlfriend was still at the place she was. B just said yeah and then went back to eating - you could tell he didn't want to talk about it.

 

So, um, what just happened? Well 1) I feel like a major loser for thinking they were interested in anything more than flirting with me BUT 2) Why was B hiding the fact he has a girlfriend?? A seemed to be happy to talk about his girlfriend. To make matters worse, B still continued to flirt with me the rest of the day! Even one of my classmates told me how she thinks he likes me from the way he acts around me.

 

At this point, I'm upset that once again I really had my hopes up about a guy and turns out he has a girlfriend. Guys, why do you flirt with girls when you have a girlfriend already????