GF and her best (guy) friend have suspect behavior

[backinthesaddle]

I've been in somewhat serious relationship with a woman for less than year. Her best friend is guy and didn't seem to bother me for a while. However, some of the following recent activity disturbs me:

 

- Inappropriate innuendos of sexual nature

- Physical contact (rough housing, him pulling aside shirt straps to put on sunscreen, etc.)

- Flirting (and she hangs on his every word like some real chemistry exists)

 

I have pulled her aside (which I think is right) and told her that these things bother me. She reassured me that everything is ok.

 

Here is where it gets interesting: I go over to her place. She starts showing me something on PC. On the screen is chat window with thread that starts by her saying to him after night out (late at night): "Want to hook up?" * * * ? Is she oblivious, playing games, or what...?

 

Thanks in advance for help.

[SnowFox]

I think her friendship is inappropriate for someone in a monogamous relationship.

 

But its doubtful she will ever acknowledge that because it works for her. She gets a boyfriend and then a guy friend to flirt with on the side.

 

You will be made to look like the bad guy if you try to put your foot down about this.

 

It will probably drive you nuts until you finally break it off with her. And even then, she will deny that anything is wrong.

 

There is a poster on another thread - I think her name is Zinny - she has just gone through something similar to this - you should search for her recent threads.

[j.man]

My ex did this with her best (guy) friend, but he was gay - I can only imagine how it would have effected me had he been straight. I can only relay the way I involved myself and hope it helps you out.

 

I simply told her that I was uncomfortable with it, and that I preferred that kind of conduct to just be between her and I. If you emphasize more of how it effects you rather than why it's inappropriate for her, you'll have a lot more luck getting her to sympathize and hopefully change her conduct with her friend.

 

I'm always wary of those kinds of friendships because I've been the guy with the taken girl, acting like that, and it was a big innuendo involving my own interest, and frankly, hers too. Her boyfriend did well dealing with it, but brought up quite truthfully, though her and I both dismissed it at the time, "what kind of friendship do you have where you need to be able to act like that in order to be friends?"

 

Somethings gotta give, dude, or you've gotta get out. The jealousy will kill the relationship, and justifiably so. Just approach her sensibly, and make it about how you feel seeing those things, again, not why she's wrong in doing them.

 

If that makes any sense.

[Clarity]

Definitely suspicious and inappropriate. How old is she?

[backinthesaddle]

Thanks everyone. Clarity, She is in mid-30's.

 

The drunk (or buzzed) IM'ing with 'Want to hook up' is what put me over the edge. Everything was annoyance that built up to that...

 

Also, she mentions this guy likes to visit his ex-gf's (some are married) to knock one off for old times sake. He doesn't seem to worry about messing with committed women.