Should infidelity be forgiven only in marriage?

[dtjb]

This is my first post on here, even though I read a lot of the posts, I felt that it would be a good thing to get some second opinions from a lot of the good and objective people on this forum. So here we go...

 

I met this girl in college, and we danced around each other a little bit, and I ended up dating her friend (they just met so it was not like they had history) and I only dated her because she literally stayed in my dorm room until I ran out of insults and allowed her to hang out without the ridicule. So after a long day I come in my room around midnight and she was in my bed waiting for me. Now we were in college people...but I was a virgin and attempting to remain celibate until marriage. Well it didn’t go as planned, and that relationship only lasted 6 months and it was all based on lust. Nothing more. Well after I broke free from that. I let 6 to 8 months go by before I even attempted to talk to anyone else. My head was messed up and I wanted things to blow over with my ex so that I wouldn’t bring baggage or drama into the next relationship.

 

One day after the 6 to 8 months had elapsed, her friend approached me and asked me where I had been since I had stayed away from everyone. I felt bad about what I did, because it wasnt who I was. I just lost it there for a period of time. Well she was worried about me and secretly she knew what had been going on but didn’t tell me, and confessed that she already knew and told me not to worry about it because she knows how much it bothered me to have done that(I confessed after a week of talking to her because I just wanted her to know). So we started talking and hanging out, and it turned into a relationship so noteworthy that everyone including her and my parents even my ex said if this relationship doesn’t work, then there was no hope for anyone.

 

Well we had great times together. Learned alot from each other, learned duet songs with each other, and spent almost every waking moment calling each other sending long love letters to each other for about 2 straight years without fail or any end in sight! We even performed dancing routines at our college that we went too, and were the star attractions 2 years running. So we were good together and worked well together. And I promised her that even though I had lost my virginity, I would preserve hers because that is just how much I respected her and loved her against her requests.

 

She even went to Japan for a month and brought me back all kinds of stuff because she was thinking about me... and I always made sure, even though I was broke in college, that she never had to pay for anything...anything! She ate free, rode free you name it. Now I am not going to lie...we did mess around, but there was no insertion. Just "favors" as we called them.

 

Now we did have arguments, but they were not the relationship ending kind. They were very stupid...adolescent almost...but meaningless. There were no substance to them, and WE even came to the conclusion that they were because whenever we had to leave each others side for more than a couple of hours we would get mad and just blame each other for something because we were too scared to say what we meant, which was that we didn’t want to be without each other for any length of time.

 

We talked so much our parents would ask us what could we possibly have to talk about after so much time had went by in our relationship! I mean we talked all the time, and about everything and anything. Nothing was really off limits to us. She would even ask me if I wanted her to do anything that my ex did for me that I really enjoyed and I never felt comfortable answering that because I thought it was off limits. But she said that she just wanted to make me feel comfortable.

 

I would always pick her up or drop her off for any reason, and we were inseparable for 2 and a half years...

 

Well then she goes to law school and we had never spent a significant amount of time away from each other so this was the downward spiraling motion to the relationship. She started to feel like I didn’t understand her situation, which I didn’t, because I didn’t understand how much pressure she was under to perform. So I would do the same silly arguments that we did in college and things got worse. She thought because I made suggestions concerning my family’s take on things that they were controlling me. But I never acted on any of them; I just simply brought them to the table for discussion. And I know I messed up when I told her about how this one couple that my dad was telling me about got engage without a ring and started a business with the ring money and bought a much larger ring than originally intended with the revenue. Now I understood what she meant to me (I sent her money when her parents couldn’t afford a few things that she needed in school, and I mean 300+ dollars worth not tuition people!! Oh and the job she had, I helped her to get, which she got mad at my dad about when he said to her that we helped her out with that…after she asked!!!!) And I admit, I was a cocky athlete (non-professional) at the time, but I treated her well enough that even her friends admired the way I treated her and my ex was jealous because she saw without being around us how much different I treated her. I admit I was stubborn on some things (public displays of affection in particular holding her hand in public, even though I was always with her and didn’t mind that one bit). But I was really the only person who was willing to compromise at all. And she was the type of person who if she found a reason...a "good" reason as she put it, to not like you... she would shut you out of her life, not just not be your friend, but just avoid you altogether without talking with you about it. Now when we had arguments we talked so I felt we were good. But I always thought in the back of my mind if things ever were ruff between us, that she would do me the same way.

 

To be fair, her issues with me were, she felt that I didn’t think for myself and that I was being controlled by my parents and other people their age that were close to me growing up and that she would not have any say so. But we always lied to our parents about what we were doing. I would lie to her parents and she would lie to mine and we would do it for each other because we were in it together. But I simply told her that I was taking advice from people who wanted me to succeed in life; well she didn’t like their advice (the advice by the way has helped my career tremendously by the way, even she complimented the results)

 

Back to law school, it was tuff on her and I was out working. I hated my job and she hated school, and our relationship suffered because both of us needed to vent and neither one of us understood what the other was going through. Well whenever I would visit we had fun, but I also knew the guys were coming at her trying to court her. Well there was this one guy that she was a friend with and they hit it off. She never told me about him but once when she said he would take her to the airport to come see me... I questioned her about it, but she assured me everything was fine. So I had to trust her right? I mean I knew what he wanted because I am a guy, but I had to trust my lady, and I wasn’t there...what else could I do.

 

So whenever we had arguments she would run to him to be consoled. This was after I told her early in our relationship that she needed to run to someone older like her parents because they would always shoot us straight. But she continued and as the relationship got worse, I admit I was immature at the time but I would say to her that I cant believe she was getting mad at me and that if she thought I was trying to hurt her that she needed to leave, because that’s not what I am trying to do, but that if she felt that I was to at least ask me to clarify what "I SAID"...I didn’t do anything wrong till this day she can attest to that. She worked off a lot of what she conceived through talks with her mother and this guy and came to the conclusion that she had something substantial to end the relationship on. Now what "I DID DO" was that I send her a letter (after I had watched a movie that said whenever you are going through things in a relationship, write down what you love and what you don’t like about them and if one out numbers the other...then you know what to do) that showed about 10 things that I loved about her and 4 things I didn’t like and then I really messed up and put that I recommend that we take a step back because the relationship was getting ready to wreck. Now what I didn’t put was that I was doing this to salvage the relationship...not to end it. I didn’t want it to end. I loved that girl with all my heart, but we were just going through a tuff time. And I just didn’t want either of us to do something that we would regret. Now I didn’t have someone waiting in the wings like she did. While she was gone, I didn’t even go out for an entire year because I was saving money for a ring (that I told her earlier I was not going to get because I was trying to build it up to when she came home for the summer to surprise her...and by the way I did by her a promise ring that she nearly fainted under because she was so happy. And her parents called me and chewed me out about because they thought I was distracting her from her studies.

 

So she takes that and tells me that she cant do us anymore. So I am sending flowers and what have you to try to console her, but the other guy moved in on me...on the contrary she said later that she pursued him. So now I am trying to reconcile and she is being told that she can have everything that she wants from this guy, the house the car the ring everything that I wasn’t claiming that I was going to do. Mind you I never ever made a promise to her that I didn’t keep, and she can admit to that to this day. And she also thought that I was going to have her living in the projects...which I said as a passing comment, because she also told me that she wanted a house behind a gated community, that way she would always feel safe when she ran in the evenings.

 

To rap this up, the reason why I stayed at home for a year without going out was because I wanted to save up money to get her everything she wanted. Which I did by the time she came home for the summer. I had the house behind the gated community, the ring that was one of a kind that she couldn't believe and I couldn’t afford the car...but I did have my own car that was paid for that she would have had access too. So she came home and was shocked and come to find out she had been dating this other guy in the meantime and now she was confused. So I backed off and she kept calling me to check up on me every now and then, so I got tired of it and I told her that I loved her, but not to call me because I loved her too much to let her think that what she did was ok.

 

2 years passed and she saw me at a town hall meeting, and she came because she knew I would be there, and I blew her off really because I had juts gotten over my broken heart and so I didn’t want to see her. So she waits by my car after the meeting ended and wanted to talk. So we talked and stuff and she wanted to go out for drinks and I didn’t want to go, but I could tell that she probably had something to say, so I agreed. (Then she was surprised when I didn’t pick up the tab, I told her I used to pay for everything and that this was her idea, so she was like oh...ok and paid)

 

So we went our separate ways and she calls me two days later and says that she wanted to talk, and that she knew I wouldn’t call her so she called me (does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture??) So we talked about the good ol days and I knew she was hiding something and so I agreed to continue to meet with her and talk so that I could get closure and move on. So it comes out that she misses me and that I treated her better than anybody else and that she wanted to get back together...but the guy she replaced me with was still in her life. So I told her that him and me could not co-exist in her life and she said that she would drop him for me because she realized what she had. Well my thing is she later tells me after she claims she dropped him, that she lost her virginity to this guy, but she is flaky on when she lost it and when they stopped. She said that a first time does mean something to a woman more than it does a man...but that she did not love him and that the relationship only lasted as long as it did because of the sex.

They also go to church together too.

 

But she claimed she dropped him and I told her that I have no evidence that you dropped him. Plus before she claimed she dropped him she told him that I was coming over to her place to talk and hang out and he comes over just to see if she was telling the truth.

 

I am wrong for thinking that she can be trusted, she and this guy were tight, but she kicked me to the curb and she is doing him the same way... does this sound like she is selfish or am I was I the bad person for not handling things better. Please be honest, I much prefer honesty. Any comments on where to go from here would be valued. Sorry it is so long.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, you didn't handle things very well, but neither did she. However, the things you each handled poorly were different. Both of you did not communicate well..however, she was the one who went behind your back and started seeing someone. Also, she is the one not being honest about the status of her relationship. You have no proof that they are over..in fact, she came to you even before they were over..that says something. She has a history of wanting to line up a new man before finishing with the previous one. Yes, she did it to you and now she is doing it with you. I would not trust her.

 

As for your original question of the thread..it really is dependent on the circumstances and whether or not the cheater is remorseful. In your case I don't think she is remorseful.

[Lecturer]

You can never have back what you once had.

 

Please read that a few times, because I know what you (and she) wants, and it just won't happen.

 

Ideally, you should have told her no when she was first asking to get together again. You won't feel comfortable ever again - it sounds like she REALLY hurt you.. as any of us would feel in your situation.

 

End it, and find a way to repeatedly harden yourself to the desire/need to go back.

 

One thing a bit off topic, your attitude towards sexuality with her sounded a bit too paternalistic for my tastes. Your long-term partner was asking you to take her virginity, and you denied her... that alone can end a relationship - especially since you had already lost yours. Perhaps you felt (or still feel) that it was noble of you, but I actually consider it a bit sexist. Just my opinion, and you're welcome to maintain yours, but I wanted you to at least consider it for future relationships.

[JusticeLaw9]

It's not worth it,

 

You'll be much better off taking this as a lost and just moving forward with your life. If you find that you're getting by that much better without her as part of your world, then perhaps that's the way you need to go. Nothing is ever the same and nothing lasts forever; all things must eventually come to an end.

 

Also, it seems like you were trying too hard to capture her heart by wining and dining her with gifts, promises and a shiny red bow. First of all, you guys are young and just trying to get through college, if there's any money you do have you should be trying to save that and plan for your future - not out buying promise rings and thinking about getting a house for her.

 

You mentioned something about her worrying about the projects... well... real love is in the projects, know and understand that. If she really cared about you and loved you she wouldn't have ever came out of her mouth sideways toward you like that. She shouldn't care if she had to sleep inside of a card board box, as long as she knew that you would be right there with her and you two were together. Now that's love for you.

 

That's not to invalidate your love for this woman and her love for you. But I'm just trying to highlight some things you should think about in the future. And I do think you would be better off if you didn't entertain your ex, because clearly the damage has been done and you don't want to relapse yourself back into things.

[thejigsup]

I take infidelity as a normal part of relationships. Most people cheat at one time or another. I just got tired of ending one relationship because of cheating and getting into another one where there was cheating again. All of my friends have had the same thing happen. One friend swore up and down her husband would never cheat. Surprise! He had a long-term girl on the side! She divorced him, married again and this one is cheating! I have had the same luck. I don't know if my current bf cheats, I don't ask. It doesn't really matter anymore to me. If they treat me well, I'm content. You can end relationships with cheaters if that is what you want to do, I understand that. Just be prepared to go through many relationships. Men and women seem to cheat a lot these days, it isn't just the men.

[D_Lish]

I think infidelity should not be forgiven in any circumstance and I wouldnt remain with one cheater and because I may go on to meet another...

Thats a risk you take....and the next one, may not cheat.

 

Not all people do cheat....I for one have never cheated and there will be many more like me.

[Sharp Lex]

If one should forgive cheating/infidelity or not is entirely up to the persons involved. There are no general rules there.

 

In any case it has nothing to do with marriage.