Can't stop thinking about him..

[TroubledTwenties]

Well,

 

It's been two days since my ex boyfriend and I broke up. I'm trying to cope, but for some reason I feel like my bottom just dropped out. The breakup wasn't so good, and he told me that he had nothing left to give anymore...he didn't know how he felt but he would always feel for me, and I would always be a part of him. I think what really plagues me is that I don't believe he's telling the truth. I mean he and I know each other like the back of our own hands (Known each other for 4 years, dated on and off for 3)...I know that he loves me deep down, but when he feels pressured or like he's being smothered and doesn't have control he always clams up, gets really defensive, and calls things off. Once he's had a few months to think and to not talk to me, and he also goes out with other girls, he realizes that he wants me then comes after me...so I don't know how I feel about that. I'm tired of playing that game, and I wish that finally he would just REALIZE that he loves me and I love him, and when you love someone you keep trying..But maybe that's my own thoughts, and I don't really know at all. Just 5 days ago he told me he loved me and now he doesn't feel anything? How can that be? I just don't understand that at all. I've read the post about the no contact thing and why it works and also avman's post about breaking up, and I feel that I'm not strong enough...I think not talking to him is good, because then I can't miss him as much knowing I can't have him, plus I don't want to hear about how good he's doing or if he has found someone new. I'm hounded by all these things and also just overwhelmed by the memories, I mean 4 years is a lot of memories. I know I shouldn't obsess because the more I pull the more he pushes away and I don't want to make him more upset than he already is....I want him to be happy, even if I'm not...but being unhappy is killing me ...Please help!

[lisaria]

Hey TroubledTwenties,

I'm so sorry you are going through this and hurting like you are. One thing I want you to know is that you are much stronger than you think. This is going to be a very tough time for you, but you will get through this. You will take it one minute at a time because right now you're not sure if you can get through one hour or one more day. The first month is the worst. The No Contact rule is the best route to go. It will put the emphasis on you. You can't worry about him and his life right now, it's YOU that is the most important thing and how you are going to get through this. He chose to end it, not you.

There are the five stages of grief that you will go through. You've lost someone very dear to you and you have to get through them. I seem to be stuck in the anger phase alot the last day or two. You are in the first stages probably. Denial being the main one I was in the first few weeks. The worst Valentine's Day of my life was this year and I couldn't believe he was with his new bimbo just two weeks after we split. I still thought that he doesn't mean this, he's coming back, we will be alrite, we will get through this. He's going to wake up and realize how much he loves me and we'll be ok. Of course it didn't quite work out that way. I was in Major Denial.

It's really not fair to you that he thinks he can drop you and then pick you back up when he gets tired of the dating life. That gives him all of the power in the relationship. Doesn't that make it a little hard in the trust department? Never knowing when he's going to leave? My trust issue was the cheating and lying and anytime there's a trust issue it isn't good.

I wish I had found this site alot sooner when my ex and I split. I would never have emailed him. Thank God I didn't call begging him to come back. When they leave, your self esteem is in the toilet anyway and calling and emailing is the worst thing you can do. They never respond the way you want them to and your self esteem gets flushed all over again. Sooo....No Contact works the best.

I hope you will feel better soon. It may take a while, but there is sunlight at the end of these dark days. Stay busy if you can. Physical exercise is the best, especially with other friends and/or outside. We are all here for you. This is a great place for pouring your heart out or ranting and raving...whatever gets you through. Remember you are much stronger than you think.

L

[TroubledTwenties]

I'm sorry to hear about you and your ex. This site is great and it has been helping me some. There were a lot of trust issues in our relationship, mostly me not trusting him. I've been in the boat, where he was out with another woman right off the bad, and it is devastating. I think what frustrates me the most is that somehow somewhere I want him to come back and everything be alright, what crushes me is that he said this time was the "last time"...Should I even feel this way? Most people say that I'm better off without, him and that he wasn't good for me anyway, but the thought I was wondering is, do people who are close to you have to tell you those things, because they are in fact, friends of yours? Would they really tell you that you were a bad gf/bf? I've been feeling lately that there should have been more I could have done, I could have not smothered him, I could have not gotten angry so much, I could have been more understanding...grr..

[brosiamarie]

Hi I was reading your post I feel and can relate to your pain I'm sure you have your good days and bad, but what I have come to realize is if this person that you loved with all your heart can put you through so much pain and hurt then maybe you do deserve better. Its hard though because although everyone tells you to move on you know who he was inside and out and they don't. Its one of those things where your head knows the truth but your heart refuses to listen and unfortunalty the heart is what brings all that hurt and pain. Just take one day at a time and don't torture your self by remembering things from the past just look ahead.

[lisaria]

Hey Troubled,

Sometimes people who are friends will tell you things that they think will help you in some way. My family and friends really did not like my ex after he hurt me the first time and told me over and over how much better off I was w/o him. Then after a while they told me to get over it. They thought they were being helpful, but like brosia said we know them much better than they do. We saw the good side, the best side of them so it's just not that easy to quit thinking about them.

You will go over and over in your mind all the things you thought you should of, would of, could of done to make him stay. But you know what? The fact is they did not stay. They did not want to make it work. Did he come to you and tell you what he needed from you? Mine didn't. I would have walked through fire for that a## but he didn't give me the chance once he had made up his mind to leave. They don't just up and decide to leave one day. Well maybe some do but none I know. They think about it and weigh the pros and cons. Men are like that. Analytical. Lots of times they already have someone waiting in the wings, someone they are interested in, whether they have done anything about it yet or not. I'm not saying your's does, but many do. Then they look for a reason to leave. Nothing you do satisfies them, they get so very nitpicky, they are hell to live with and sometimes they figure if they act nasty enough that you'll leave and then they don't have to feel quite so guilty.

I think I got off course there, but the fact is that you did not leave, he did. Once he had made up his mind, nothing you said or did would have made him stay. Eventually he would have left if you could have said that magic word that made him feel sorry for you and he stays for just a little while longer. But his heart is already out the door.

I still do it to myself. What I should have done, should not have done to make this relationship work. But they left. Our exes did not want to put the time or effort into making it work. We have to pick up the pieces of our heart and move on. Nobody said it was going to be easy and our hearts will play the nastiest little tricks on us. But hopefully we are learning and next time will be better. I know you don't even want to think about that yet.

Stay strong Troubled.

Lisa