i am tired of feeling like this

[mbr515]

Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this. i am not sure where to start, but i guess i will start out tell you about myself. I am 22, and a new mom of a beautiful 8 month old daughter. i grew up with an alchoholic and verbal (sometimes) physical abusive father. my mother was great and i thank her for being so strong. when i was 11 years old i attempted suicide for the first time, i couldn't take living with my dad so i took a bottle of aspirin, just got sick. that kind of behavior continued until i was 13 when my mom sent me to my aunts 2000 miles away in michigan so she could get away from my dad and get our own place. well it did not work out like that. i am not sure what really happened except my dad kicked her out with nothing and i ended up staying with my aunt until i was 19. well it was a very confusing time, but i got used to it. I started to attempt suicide again when i was 15 and got some help, but got better for a while. when i was 19 i started to use drugs, mostly pot and just partied for a while. in the year 2001 i went to stay with my parents (they had gotten back together in 1999) in arizona and my mom said he was better and she has emphyzema, so i wanted to be with her. well he was the same. this time i saw him choking and hurting my mom often, i was scared of him and i was constantly smoking pot. so 10 months later i moved back to ohio and started partying some more and got into some worse drugs, like cocaine, etc. that went on for a while and then my boyfriend Ross, and I decided to go live with his dad so we could get clean. well we got clean, i went back to school and theni got pregnant (2002). last year i had a beautiful daughter. we have a wonderful life, i am a stay at home mom and he has a good job.......................but there is just one problem i cannot seem to find happiness. i have not thought of suicide or anything but i am just always depressed. i am seeing a psyciatrist, but he isn't very good, just loads me up with lexapro and lorazapam. he doesn't listen to me or anything, that is why i am here writing to you for help. like i said before i am a stay at home mom and i clean, cook, etc. well most of the time i can't do anything. i just feel like laying on the couch. i give every bit of energy and happiness to my daughter because i am so scared i am gonna mess her up. but i have days where it is nice, and i don't wanna take her out because i just feel like i can't even get dressed. i am always worried at the store or wherever that people are judging me. i am so scared of life it is pathetic. i am scared of all the pain that is to come, i am scared something will happened to my daughter. i try hobbies but i never stick to anything. i don't know what to do. i am at a point that i just cannot be depressed anymore for my daughters sake. i dont really have any friends anymore because my close friends, i just didn't keep contact because i never feel like talking to anybody. please help. i am afraid there is no hope and i can never enjoy life. thanks for reading this.

Melissa

[libra smith]

Darling you are worth the effort to wake up every morning. Your daughter is worth the sun out side and the clouds on a rainy day. You need to get up take a shower go out the door and seek some help. Go to a center for teens, or young mothers to start. You ask for help. Do it for your daughter.But mostly for yourself. If they cannot help you they will point you in the right direction. every time you ask someone for a reference they will send you to a new place eventually if you go to these places you will feel welcome and comfortable somewhere. counseling, possibly medicine, even programs for your daughter to play withother children her age and just be a kid. sounds to me like you may not have been able to do that when you were younger. She needs you. And you can be a very strong survivor of a sad and unfortunate childhood and young adulthood. Also drugs are definatly depressants and help to keep you down. they may make you feel better temporarily (you may think) But in reality, They really hinder you. try to change those habits and life will improve also. Take things one day at a time. One thing at a time. Try a church also. Pick up a bible.(Couldn't hurt) Start in John.

Good luck

 

[alwaysafraid]

First of all who is prescribing the antidepressants? A primary physician or a psychiatrist? Are you going to counseling as well? A primary care provider knows a little bit about a lot of things they try and do what they can and when that doesn't work they should send you on to a specialist. Counselors are the best people to talk to a a psychiatrist will still have to prescribe your meds, but they don't spend much time counseling you. A good provider wants to help you and make you better starting you on meds so that you can come out of the place that you are in then they work to heal you so that you don't need to be on drugs anymore. The most insightful thing any of my friends ever told me was "people are supposed to be happy' I have a lot of friends who like me spend their time wanting to do nothing more than sleep or watch tv. We are not lazy we just can't make ourselves do anything. You wake up with plans of what you will get done and by the end of the day you haven't done any of it. You have been through a lot at your age and you should not feel that just take a medication will make you better. The meds won't take away the memories or the pain that you experienced, and if you lay around all day you don't have to feel pain because you haven't done anything that can hurt you. There are a lot of people who feel the same way you do. I am one of them my alarm goes off at 6 and I get to work at 11. I can't make myself get up and I am working on that. Is there anything that you have ever really enjoyed doing? Maybe you should find a part time job like twice a week so that you can spend more time around people your age you wouldn't have to get daycare if you did it when the father was home. Finding something that you can enjoy might help. Like after you take your daughter to the park and get some things done that you know you need to finish then you can rent a movie or treat yourself some how. Use a reward system as corny as that sounds to motivate you to start doing other things. You won't get better overnight and for people like us it is a constant battle to get up and face the day to the point where it seems worthless, but there is a lot out there for us and you want to show that to your daughter. I hope this helps a little. I suggest counseling or group therapy and then maybe change the meds you are on they may not be working. Best of luck