Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this. i am not sure where to start, but i guess i will start out tell you about myself. I am 22, and a new mom of a beautiful 8 month old daughter. i grew up with an alchoholic and verbal (sometimes) physical abusive father. my mother was great and i thank her for being so strong. when i was 11 years old i attempted suicide for the first time, i couldn't take living with my dad so i took a bottle of aspirin, just got sick. that kind of behavior continued until i was 13 when my mom sent me to my aunts 2000 miles away in michigan so she could get away from my dad and get our own place. well it did not work out like that. i am not sure what really happened except my dad kicked her out with nothing and i ended up staying with my aunt until i was 19. well it was a very confusing time, but i got used to it. I started to attempt suicide again when i was 15 and got some help, but got better for a while. when i was 19 i started to use drugs, mostly pot and just partied for a while. in the year 2001 i went to stay with my parents (they had gotten back together in 1999) in arizona and my mom said he was better and she has emphyzema, so i wanted to be with her. well he was the same. this time i saw him choking and hurting my mom often, i was scared of him and i was constantly smoking pot. so 10 months later i moved back to ohio and started partying some more and got into some worse drugs, like cocaine, etc. that went on for a while and then my boyfriend Ross, and I decided to go live with his dad so we could get clean. well we got clean, i went back to school and theni got pregnant (2002). last year i had a beautiful daughter. we have a wonderful life, i am a stay at home mom and he has a good job.......................but there is just one problem i cannot seem to find happiness. i have not thought of suicide or anything but i am just always depressed. i am seeing a psyciatrist, but he isn't very good, just loads me up with lexapro and lorazapam. he doesn't listen to me or anything, that is why i am here writing to you for help. like i said before i am a stay at home mom and i clean, cook, etc. well most of the time i can't do anything. i just feel like laying on the couch. i give every bit of energy and happiness to my daughter because i am so scared i am gonna mess her up. but i have days where it is nice, and i don't wanna take her out because i just feel like i can't even get dressed. i am always worried at the store or wherever that people are judging me. i am so scared of life it is pathetic. i am scared of all the pain that is to come, i am scared something will happened to my daughter. i try hobbies but i never stick to anything. i don't know what to do. i am at a point that i just cannot be depressed anymore for my daughters sake. i dont really have any friends anymore because my close friends, i just didn't keep contact because i never feel like talking to anybody. please help. i am afraid there is no hope and i can never enjoy life. thanks for reading this.
Melissa
