How do YOU distinguish Friendliness with something more?

[thefireisoutanyway]

I don't really believe there is an iron rule with this kind of things, since some people just tend to be more friendly and touchy than others, just because of their cultural background, or just because of their personality, or whatever. I just wanted to know if there were people out there who could share their experiences with me... where you mistook someone's friendliness with something more than that, or something you thought or interpreted to be innocent turned out to be something not so innocent for the other party...

 

Would you care to share?

[easyguy]

Two Thursdays ago I met my soon-to-be first girlfriend. I was at a music venue that I play at regularly, just standing outside getting some fresh air. A drummer (who we'll call C) I knew who was there that evening stepped outside and introduced me to his new roommate (who we'll call R). I talked to C for a few minutes, and R couldn't take her eyes off me as I was talking about music with him, smiling and whatnot. C soon went inside and I ended up sharing travel stories with R for a good 30-40 minutes.

 

We soon went back inside and I played some more, and asked for her number before I left. I got her first and last name. As I was heading home, I sent her a text saying how great it was to meet her. She responded in a similar way. The next day, I found her on Facebook and she immediately started what would be a flirt-fest that unfolded for the days to come.

 

I called her up that following Sunday night and asked her out for a light dinner/hang for later in the week (this past Thursday). We met up in the late evening at a pizza joint and got to know each other a bit over pizza and drinks. I couldn't tell by her body language if she was into me, because she would often look beside, looking at something else. When we talked, though, there was eye contact.

 

After an hour, we went to the venue where we met - which was only a couple blocks away - and extended the date there. I sat beside her for most of the evening. Lots of people were there. At one point, I stepped outside for a bit as a group of people walked into the small venue, giving her some space and just to say hey to a couple friends. I soon went back inside and moved closer to her, rubbing arms.

 

We both stayed until about 2:00am (a date which started at 8:00pm), and she asked me to walk her home. Right then and there I knew she was at least attracted to me as more than a friend, because she wouldn't just say, "Hey, aren't you going to walk me home?" (home being 5 blocks away) for no reason. I walked her to her house, and just before she walked inside, I gave her a hug, pressed my lips on her cheek, and that immediately turned into a full on intimate lip kiss, followed by a kiss on the forehead and a whispered "Have a good night."

 

We went on our second date yesterday, which lasted a few hours. Arms around each other for some of it, walking around the neighborhood, a kiss at the end of that date and an invitation to our third date, which is on Wednesday.

 

I don't know, it just happens. There were times during the first date when I didn't know if she was just being polite and friendly or not, but I just had to wait and see what happened. Good thing I waited!

 

That's my story. First real date, first kiss, and first girlfriend right around the corner. We have a couple similar interests, but we have a strong chemistry together. There's just a great vibe, whatever the word is. She felt it from the moment she met me, even though I was hardly talking about my interests, just sharing a couple experiences.

[Fionnuala]

I don't have any specific stories, but I generally distinguish the difference by observing how the person in question acts with others. If they are touchy, flirty with everyone, I don't think anything of it. If not, I tend to think it is probably something more than just friendliness. It's worked well for me so far.

[pinkelephant]

I'm very touchy and friendly with everyone... but I smile a lot more with guys I'm attracted to. It's pretty innate, I'd say. I also change the way I act around the guy I like. The only rule you should go by, in my opinion, is that if her behaviour changes around you compare to other guys (in a good way! but really, depends on the girl, it might be in a bad-ish way too lol) ... you are probably in the green.

[talo]

How do YOU distinguish Friendliness with something more?

There is nothing more than friendliness is there?. Friendliness is being in relationship, being intimate, isn't it? What more could be wanted in relationship?

 

Perhaps a more exclusive relationship is wanted? But this isn't being friendly is it? It's being exclusive - excluding friendliness isn't it?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I can always tell when guys like me. I can feel that vibe and it is very distinct.

 

However, a lot of boys are under the assumption that I like them. It's probably because I like hanging out with boys and am very outgoing and friendly. They take it as me liking them because not a lot of girls do that.

 

I also tend to be drawn to be friends with geekier boys who probably don't get a lot of female attention.

[GernBlanston]

It's always just friendliness. I haven't encountered anything more than that.

[Imprecision]

It's not always possible to distinguish.

 

First, there's the problem of determining her internal mental state, from your perspective.

 

Second, and more importantly, let's say a single girl is friendly with you. She is receptive to your advances, but it's not so clear-cut that she has a thing for you. It's up to you to make a move and turn her friendliness into something more.

 

In fact, even if a girl is very cold toward you, she is often still receptive toward your advances.

[waveseer]

It's not always possible to distinguish.

 

First, there's the problem of determining her internal mental state, from your perspective.

 

Second, and more importantly, let's say a single girl is friendly with you. She is receptive to your advances, but it's not so clear-cut that she has a thing for you. It's up to you to make a move and turn her friendliness into something more.

 

In fact, even if a girl is very cold toward you, she is often still receptive toward your advances.

 

This is a great point.

[givinggirl]

It's not always possible to distinguish.

 

In fact, even if a girl is very cold toward you, she is often still receptive toward your advances.

 

This is true. I was out over the weekend and this guy was crazily flirting with me. I have met him once or twice before, he has always been overly friendly, but this time, he was all in my space. He kept putting his arm around me, to which I didn't put my arm around him, but I also didn't move away. He kept telling me and everyone else how beautiful I was. He was a friend of a friend and I didn't want to be rude. He was asking me what my ideal date would be, he asked me to dance (but I said no cause I didn't want to make him think I was interested), he tried buying me a drink (again I said no), he tried getting my number and I didn't give my number either. I make it pretty clear when I am not interested in a guy, but I am not mean about it. The thing is that he just kept on trying, he gave me a hug on the way out and even kissed my cheek. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I also don't want to lead anyone on. Sometimes that is a very fine line and it is hard to manage.

 

I can always tell when guy likes me. You can feel the vibe and see it in their eyes....the eyes tell a lot. Most of the time they like to get into your personal space, or don't mind if it is necessary because someone needs to pass by or something. It also depends on the guy...some guys, like the one above, are persistent and completely obvious. Other guys are not so verbal about it, but their actions show it. The shy guy I am interested in shows it through his actions (everyone can see it and they talk about it), but he won't admit to it.

[GernBlanston]

I'm not sure I understand how your story confirms Imprecision's point. Maybe I don't really understand his point. I thought he was saying that even if a woman doesn't openly appear to be reciprocating a man's advances, he may still be making a good impression and may yet have a chance with her, if he's tactfully persistent.

 

I read your story to mean that you were acting cold toward him and that you weren't interested in him. Isn't that an example of a situation where Imprecision's point does not apply?

[JeckyllNHyde]

Would you care to share?

 

Are you talking about women or men?

 

For me, I try to look at several different things a guy does.

How does he look at me? Does his gaze linger a bit longer then other peoples, or when he looks at others?

Does he try to make body contact or come closer?

Does he hint at meeting up together?

Does he compliment? Or tease in a joking way? (Both good signs IMO).

When he looks at me can he not help but smile/grin?

 

If you meant girls/women, then some clues may be:

Does she reciprocate compliments and/or like them?

Does she like it if you come a bit closer then usual?

Most important: does she look comfortable in the situation?

Does she try to joke or be cutesy?

[givinggirl]

I'm not sure I understand how your story confirms Imprecision's point. Maybe I don't really understand his point. I thought he was saying that even if a woman doesn't openly appear to be reciprocating a man's advances, he may still be making a good impression and may yet have a chance with her, if he's tactfully persistent.

 

I read your story to mean that you were acting cold toward him and that you weren't interested in him. Isn't that an example of a situation where Imprecision's point does not apply?

 

Maybe I misunderstood his point. I thought his point was that sometimes things aren't quite what they seem.

 

My point was that I was being nice and friendly to the guy (because I didn't want to be rude to my friends friend), but I wasn't reciprocating his advances. He might have taken my friendliness as still having a chance, when in my mind, I am not interested. For one thing, I have my eyes on a different guy, but he is not aware of this, how could he be?

[dr_styles]

I don't have any specific stories, but I generally distinguish the difference by observing how the person in question acts with others. If they are touchy, flirty with everyone, I don't think anything of it. If not, I tend to think it is probably something more than just friendliness. It's worked well for me so far.

 

Yep this is why I have a higher "threshold" if the girl seems naturally bubbly, or in a lot of my rare talking with women, with a some kind of customer service girl.

[Knight of Hope]

Just have to make a comment here - this kind of post makes me happy. Makes me look forward to my own first date even more (coming up on Saturday!). Met the girl online and I've talked with her a good amount on AIM for the past week and a half or so. I'm liking her as much as you really can for only talking online. Anyway, I'm going into this date with an open mind, and seeing how it goes. I'm definitely hoping for the best!

 

Anyway... on topic! I'm really terrible at distinguishing interest and friendliness. It's definitely got me in trouble before. That's why I try to be as clear as I can when I'm interested in a girl. I don't want to give her the wrong idea and then totally shock her when I ask her out. I flirt tastefully but obviously, and I drop a compliment here and there. For instance, I'm going to be a dentist and she and I were talking about teeth for some reason. Anyway, since we were on the subject, fit well into the conversation, because I wanted to show my interest, and because it's true, I told her that she had a nice smile. Her response suggested she was flattered. Went something like: "Oh, really? I hadn't noticed, but thanks!