Sexually Frustrated.

[chiguy]

I'm 26, closeted and for all intensive purposes, still a virgin. The past month or so my sex drive has really spiked, I've been cruising all these hookup sites for a friend with benefits who is also closeted. Before I continue perhaps I should give you guys a bit of background information.

 

I am closeted to all but 1 of my very good friends, who has admitted to me that he is bi, but prefers girls for the most part, and my parents. Throughout high school and college I had very few sexual experiences if one could even call them that.

 

When I was 16 I began having sleep overs with one of my friends when his girlfriend was not around, we literally slept together but it didn't last long ( he moved away) and nothing overly sexual happened aside from me basically cuddling with him as we slept.

 

By the time I was 19 I became deeply infatuated with a guy in college, he was 24, straight and had an English accent. Although I looked at him in a mostly platonic way there was definitely a sort of longing for him, more like on an emotional level than physical however, he was good enough looking but by no means the hottest guy I had ever seen. I started acting really needy around him, I wanted to be around him more and eventually everything went straight to hell.

 

Around the same time I started becoming increasingly frustrated with my sexuality, I wanted to seek help in possibly changing it. On one particular occasion, while at my parents house (I lived with my folks and commuted throughout most of college, big mistake on my part), I broke down, partially because I didn't want to be gay and partially because I was upset about not being reciprocated by the English boy I mentioned above. My mother literally bursted into my bedroom and would not leave until I told her what was up. I refused, finally she just went out and said, "I know what it is, you're gay!" to which I begrudgingly confirmed with a single word, "yes".

 

It didn't take her very long to tell my father, they both were upset but both happy that I hadn't had sex with a guy yet. The next 3-5 years I spent time trying to treat my condition by seeing various psychiatrists and being prescribed various psychotropic/anti-depressant pharmaceuticals. I even went to a religious based group that claimed I could manage my sexual feelings towards the same sex while developing feelings for the opposite sex. During this time I remained sexually oppressed and increasingly anti-social, my only release being internet porn, which I still rely heavily on to this very day.

 

My last year of college I spent partially abroad, it was my first time being so far away from home on my own. It felt liberating but at the same time I was still focused on not succumbing to my sexual urges. Within a few days I had met the hottest guys in our group, I'll call them Jay and Larry. Jay was the most attractive, very athletic, smart and had a really hot body. His best friend, Larry, although not as attractive was still quite the stud. There had already been rumors going around that they were secretly a gay couple, being that they were so good looking yet not sexually promiscuous with the girls on the trip. Of course they both were quite "religious."

 

At first I spent most the time talking to Larry, I felt too intimidated to speak to Jay, he was just so hot, but eventually after ignoring him enough, he started to butt into my conversations with Larry and we began talking more and more.

 

On one particular night, Jay and I were watching a movie with a group of our peers. We were sitting next to each other, all of a sudden Jay started touching me (we were watching the movie in the dark). At first I could't believe it, but I started touching him back. Over the next few months we did lots of heavy petting but nothing more than that, at a certain point he grew tired of me and basically told me in a few words or less that he wanted me to back off, despite constantly sending me mixed signals and being overly flirtatious. We grew increasingly estranged from each other...still I remained in communication with him for 2 years after our study abroad. I should mention that while this sexual tension was going on I had also become friends with him and Larry, I even ended up visiting both him and Larry 3 times after returning home from overseas. It took 3 trips of seeing them for me to finally say enough and I cut off contact with both of them, the sexual/flirtatious teasing from Jay had drove me insane and made me incredibly sexually frustrated.

 

After arriving home from the trip I was determined to get something to make up for the years of not getting any from Jay. I had been talking for the better part of the year to a guy on MySpace, a not so closeted Marine, who also was very hot. I should probably mention that Jay and Larry ended up joining the Army after graduating from college so I was kind of looking to stick it to them in a way. One thing let to another and soon enough I was with him in my car at 2 or 3 morning making out with him and jacking each other off. I was a nervous wreck, this was my first time kissing a guy let alone touching another guys * * * * and a really hot guy at that. Of course it ended up being a one time thing as he was just looking for a rebound after breaking up with his cheating boyfriend, who might I add was not nearly as hot as him (the marine). I then ended up hooking up with his friend (I felt sort of pawned off to him), who was not nearly as attractive as him, but I was sick of not having a sex life. I received and gave head for the first time with his friend, but no bodily fluids were really shared, I suppose other than maybe precum. I just wasn't that into him and had no desire to cum. If anything I was hoping that by getting closer to him I could in turn get closer to the marine, this of course did not happen. So I literally drop everything and disappeared from them and the gay scene (they liked hanging out at the clubs in boystown), which I hated to begin with.

 

It's been two years since then and I haven't done anything with anyone since. I've started talking with a few guys I've met on these hookup sort of sites. I've come pretty close to meeting up with one of them, but I'm a bit concerned meeting up with anyone, since I'm still very new to this I want to make sure I take all the precautions necessary to ensure any sexual activity I have is safe! I really hate how the porn I've seen makes it look like there is very little risk sucking * * * * without a condom, but from what I've read this isn't so true. I need some advice on this, what precautions should I take to make sure this is safe! Do most of you guys give head using a condom? I want to try bottoming so what should I use to make sure down there is clean and how should I clean it? I've read stuff online about using a douche?

 

In terms of guys I am very very picky, like I said I could not cum for the other guy because I just wasn't attracted enough to him. I am only into dudes with an athletic or muscular build otherwise I just can't cum or get much of a hard-on. I also would prefer a guy that is closeted and not flaming liberal, for the most part I am a conservative libertarian politically and men that are far left just make my * * * * limp. So all in all I am pretty much * * * * ed, but I would like to have some fun with sex and even a discrete (at first at least) relationship in this short life while I still can. If I totally fell in love with the right guy I would come out and just accept it but until such a time I don't feel the need to disclose my sexual presence when my looks and mannerisms don't project "gay."

[Stella Sleepwalks]

You don't really speak of a social life.

 

My boss is gay. He was married, and when they divorced he wouldn't come out because he felt it would hurt his ex wife.

 

But, after a couple of years, he became more socially active, and met his bf through a friend, (his friend's brother). In order for him to find someone, he had to be himself! You are asking people to be real with you and not mess you around, show commitment and interest but you are not being honest with them or yourself.

 

You need to determine what you want. Do you want a relationship, or do you want discreet, no-strings sex? From reading your post, I get the feeling you want acceptance, intimacy, and just a place in the world. Going online to find people to sleep with you might satisfy your sexual frustration, but in reality it is blocking the opportunity to form relationships with people - no man is an island. You sound really lonely, and it sounds like you have a lot to offer people if you give them a chance.

[jettison]

Although I feel for your virgindom, I feel compelled to respond to the first paragraph where you say:

 

I'm 26, closeted and for all intensive purposes, still a virgin. The past month or so my sex drive has really spiked, I've been cruising all these hookup sites for a friend with benefits who is also closeted. Before I continue perhaps I should give you guys a bit of background information.

 

Just for the record, the phrase is actually "all intents and purposes", and is a shortening of the original "all intents, constructions, and purposes" from 16th century British law. That said, if we're going to say it wrong, my favorite variation by far has to be "for all in tents and porpoises." That's just a good time we have right there.

 

Anyway, good luck with your problems at hand and the "flaming conservative lovemaking".

[hexaemeron]

Dude, I don't know about your sex life, but I seriously want to curbstomp your parents. Unbelievable.

[chiguy]

Actually I do have a social life, I just do not have a sex life. I hang out with a bunch of straight men and occasionally women, some times I hang out with my friends and their girlfriends. They've even tried setting me up, right now they think I am picky as hell, they even thought I was dating a girl that I got close to, but who I was just friends with, she already knew I was gay because I met her through the Marine I talked about earlier.

 

Really I don't have any blame for my parents, I believe their intentions were pure, I have control over my body now so if you want to blame anyone blame me...I just don't want to be a virgin by the time I'm 40 but at the same time I want to be safe about it. Yeah a relationship would be nice but I figure it would be nice to find someone who also is struggling with their sexuality and who has sort of the same beliefs and views as myself, just makes life a bit easier.

 

One may find this aspect of my life as not being true to myself, but I think if I were not true to myself I'd go around dating girls I purposely was not attracted to and end up play with their emotions by flirting with them kind of like what that kid Jay did to me. I would never want to do this first and foremost because it's a horrible thing to do to someone and second because I view it as not being true to myself. I think by me staying in a semi-limbo state like I have for past two years is kind of like riding the fence if anything.

[chiefoptimizer]

Like someone else said, you sound like you'd like a stable relationship and you're denying yourself that - hence the seeking someone like yourself to mate with. It doesn't have to be that way. You live only once, and you're wasting your time hiding away from the dream you have. Follow your dreams - take the hard steps, and your rewards will be worth it, instead of fighting yourself ("controlling my urges"). Is there any gay groups where you live? Consider joining them, and spending time with them making friend - it's a good way to meet people. Good luck

[I_Speak_Jive]

In terms of guys I am very very picky, like I said I could not cum for the other guy because I just wasn't attracted enough to him. I am only into dudes with an athletic or muscular build otherwise I just can't cum or get much of a hard-on. I also would prefer a guy that is closeted and not flaming liberal, for the most part I am a conservative libertarian politically and men that are far left just make my * * * * limp.

 

Really? I want me some Stalin.

 

This is entirely my own personal, non-transferrable opinion, but I think that you are only making things harder for yourself by narrowing your focus to such a degree. There just aren't that many hypermasculine closeted He-Men screaming for no government and using really bad cliches every second sentence around. By all means, find and sleep with what you are physically attracted to -but if I were you, I would start broadening my mind to include people from different political persuasions and to look at dudes beyond just how "hot" they are -or more specifically how much they approximate your porn-induced ideal of hotness. Right now you need more friends, not less.

 

And sorry to hear about your family and the way they have dealt with your sexual orientation. But don't let their small-mindedness live on in the form of self-loathin from within, man. Being gay is a pretty cool thing if you deal with it the right way (that is, by giving it no importance whatsoever).

[chiguy]

Haha!

 

Yes I am making things harder for myself, but I just know what I want, and I doubt any hyper-masculine man I'd be into would know or care whether something was cliché or not. As for people with different political persuasions, I'm fine with being friends with them but in order for me to connect with someone on such an intimate level I require this, somehow I don't think you would date a conservative, no? So that's not exactly broadening your mind either. Yeah I will admit porn has screwed me up, but seriously I have been into dudes that look this way since I was 4 years old, I know that sound * * * * ed up, but seriously the first time I knew I felt different about dudes I was watching something on TV and I found myself excited by what I saw, I think I caught a glimpse of something where there were shirtless guys posing, perhaps a body building competition? In my confused 4 year old mind, I wanted my father to be replaced by this type of guy I was attracted to...I don't even know how to begin to explain that but it's the truth.

 

Really I don't think my family's reaction was all that bad, I mean had I been with an extremely far-right family they probably would have kicked me out of their house and disowned me.

[hexaemeron]

I suppose it depends on what you mean by "conservative".

[chocolatemilk]

 

 

 

men that are far left just make my * * * * limp.

 

How about not talking politics? at least not until after sex.

[xioking39]

How about not talking politics? at least not until after sex.

 

^^^ lol couldn't have put it better.

[chiguy]

Yeah but it comes up...people just can't help themselves. I mean maybe if it's just sex I wouldn't care as long as we didn't discuss it, but for a relationship I need someone who is on the same wavelength as myself, let's just put it this way, if there were a male version of Tammy Bruce I'd be smitten.

[lukeb]

I would try to venture out into the gay community a little bit more. Try not to think too far ahead relationship wise, try to not set out to look for a boyfriend but rather just friends. I think you are at least partly homophobic, and this may help shed some of the fears you have. Try to get to know more people of your own kind, some might surprise you. You live in a big city, Chicago I seem to remember, there are bound to be gay clubs, social groups around.

 

good luck

[chiguy]

I did venture out into the gay community back in 2007 and honestly it just isn't me...I don't know if I'd call myself homophobic, maybe partially, everyone seems to identify homophobia today with hate, and I wouldn't say i'm hateful just maybe a tad bit uncomfortable, regardless I'd rather be discrete about my sexuality and have a discrete relationship with someone else who feels the same way as me.

[lukeb]

A phobia is an extreme fear I wouldn't say your fear is extreme but I guess I couldn't think of another word. Your at least comfortable enough to accept your sexuality, and that's great, but it seems you don't like that part of yourself. Try to think back to when you were younger, I bet you were probably far more uncomfortable with your sexuality than you are now. Hopefully it is just a question of time. I was 32 when I came out, hardly ideal, but my life was far from over then, in fact, I feel my life started at 32.