how do you cope with jealousy or suspicions

[cristina311]

I am really bad at this. I know I am far too obsessive. (That is something my EX kept mentioning to me and said it drove him crazy and of course we broke up because of it.) I try to learn from the lesson; besides, this time the situation is very different that we are not yet committed couple. However, I still find it still pretty serious that I am suspicious or sometimes very jealous.

 

As I said in the previous thread, he is very popular and many girls are highly interested in him. During weekdays, everything goes fine; with high loading of work, he almost has no time for fun after work. As long as we can meet and chat on msn and exchange how the lives treat us, I feel all right. However, I become so restless and disturbed during weekends. Of course, he goes out with friends and some of them are girls (and girls who are interested in him). I feel jealoous because I know some other girls are having fun with him together. I feel suspicious...I can't deny that I am so afraid that the more frequently they hang out together, the higher possibility their friendship might transform into relationship.

 

I know I can not handle it and I can not control it even if it could happen.

 

Besides, I am so worried that he is going to be tired of my being so jearlous and suspicious (like my EX. did), I always hide them from him. Whenever he shares his plan for weekends with friends or his great time with friends, I always tear in my mind and still show positive responses to him and say I am happy for him (something like that).

 

I feel I am so helpless in some way; that is, he is on a city-break trip this weekend. Since we were on holidays together when I went back to meet him up, I start to wonder whether he is alone this time or with friend(s), particularly with girls? He told me he goes on holidays alone. I should trust him, right? Still, two voices are speaking to me....

[DrKitten]

I always tear in my mind and still show positive responses to him and say I am happy for him (something like that).

 

This is actually a good start. The next step is to believe it when you tell him these things.

 

It's also good that you're recognizing this as being unhealthy. Just remember what is logical and what makes sense. He's never lied to you? Made excuses about not calling? Gets really drunk and "doesn't remember what happened"? If your answer to no is all of these, then yes you can trust. You have absolutely no reason not to.

 

Do you have any guy friends that you hang out with? It's the same thing. You should go out on weekends and have fun too. You'll realize it's not a big deal if he's having fun in mixed company without you.

[catfeeder]

While its true that behaving in a positive way to cover up lousy feelings is a great band-aid social move, it's not sustainable when you secretly know that your whole foundation is flooded over with your fears. You're bound to cave sooner or later, because the more you keep stoking, the more brittle you'll become until you break.

 

Exposing this problem is never a planned response, and once you cross into jealous waters with someone, you can't exactly take it back. Bigger problem is, you're never fully aware of how transparent jealousy actually is. Even bigger problem is that trying to hide this stuff creates a barrier to intimacy--you hold up a mask to hide behind and then never feel loved for who you are behind the mask.

 

Understand, nobody can just decide, "Okay, I won't be jealous..." so you're not some freak who lacks an ability that everyone else owns. But you do have control over how much and how often you feed, churn and build these feelings.

 

For instance (and I understand that this may not be true of you), you may want to question whether part of this might be navel-gazing gone wrong because you don't have enough to do? Are you involved in your own life strongly and passionately enough to where drumming up fantasy fears about someone else isn't something you've got a lot of time for?

 

I'd also consider counseling. Given that this problem has already proven big enough to ruin at least one other relationship, it's probably a good investment to work through this with someone who knows how to help you overcome it. While deep therapy isn't something you would know you need without an assessment, a counselor or social worker who's trained in this stuff can give you healthy coping tools and guide you through using them well.

 

In your corner.

[arsenal]

You probably don't want to hear this, but I just don't think it will be healthy for you to stay in this relationship.

 

If you are in a long distance relationship but the guy hasn't committed, you should just move on from it. You are just going to drive yourself mad with jealousy over this, and probably just end up getting a broken heart.

 

Even if you are the perfect girl for him and have no jealousy problems, it isn't going to work if he hasn't made the commitment. He has many options right next to him, so it is a big stretch to say that he is going to choose someone far away to be the one.

 

If you feel like you have a hard time moving on or other issues to deal with, you could seek counseling like catfeeder said. You will become a stronger person if you do this.

[mikem]

I think the key word is 'commitment'. If you are in a non-commited relationship, no amount of psyching yourself up (or out) is going to work. I'd talk to him about whether you are going to be in an exclusive, commited relationship or not.

 

As the old adage goes: "Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Anything beyond that comes from the evil one."

 

When there is a lack of commitment, grey area, and ambiguity, it can open the door to 'the evil one'...

 

Definantly, see if he wants to be in an exclusive, commited relationship. If he is unwilling to give you a 'yes' or 'no' answer, take it as a 'no'. Get a clear 'yes' or 'no' answer and I believe some of jealousy and insecurity will lift.

 

It's time for a decision, one way or the other... God bless...

[cristina311]

Thanks for all your replies.

I feel much better now; yes, it is quite true that if I stay at the desk and stare at the computer all day long, I feel so bitter and still relationship can not go anywhere.

For this weekend, I went out with friends; by doing so, my mind leaves him behind for a while and have my own life back. It also helps me to think over the situation I have. I meant, yes, I like this guy and he is not committed; however, I want to try to make it happen even though I know he is very popular and have options all around him.

 

 

Yes, it's true that both of us are not committed to each other and we both can have our own friends to hang out; he got his own options and I have mine too. However, it doesn't mean that we are players in the relationship. We once had a conversation on a similar topics, in which our opinions and concept of value exchanged. From this conversation, I learnt that he knew he is very popular and he admitted that he noticed some girls do show high interest in him; however, he still can't see there is one who he feels like developing relationship with; in other words, he hasn't yet find the right one.

 

True, you probably will say he also refers to me not being the right one for him. However, if I just give up due to this, there is no possibility between us for sure. Thus, I am thinking of a longer time-span plan; that's make both of us understand each other more by regular communication. Yes, it's true that the practical distance between he and I is far; all I want to do is keep us close on the pshchological distance. The more we understand each other, the higher possibility both of us are at the same time williing to upgrade our relationship from 'friendship with relationship ambiguity' to 'committed couple.'

 

Well, fingers crossed.

[Sweetiepie91]

We seem to be in very simmilar positions my boyfriend is also very popular and a right charmer and im a tad jeloues lets say but there with us for a reason although mine is fully commited (a.t.m) but the key thing youve to learn before you suffocate him is to trust, until he proves different.

 

Another important factor is to try and busy yourself instead of hanging around staring at the computer, you need to enjoy life instead of sitting,hoping and waiting for the guy show him how independent and strong you are,

 

Take care x