HellishFarva Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 First I think I need to set up the back history of this girl. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I don't need to go into too many details but just know she had to go to counseling. We started dating about two weeks ago. I asked her if she was sure she was ok to date. That sh was past everything. She said she was and we started dating. Yesterday she broke up with me. I shouldn't be effected as much as I am. I admit that. She said that she was super attracted to me in the beginning and about two or three days ago the attraction just "cut off". She was crying when she told mE this. Saying that she knew I didn't deserve to be hurt like this cause I really am a great guy. Her words not mine. She says that I wasn't the first guy this happened to. So she said it wasn't me. It was her. She said she obviously isn't ready to date and it scares her that this is happening because everything is always fine and dandy until it happens. In my experences attraction just doesn't go away like that. It's not there one day and just gone the next. It takes time for attraction to fade. Am I right? My thought is that she has an emotional wall around her 'heart' and when she starts to feel something for someone it scares her so much that it shuts those feelings down. She said that she wants to remain my friend. I ageed because it hurts to much to think of breaking all ties with this girl. In the back of my mind I think and hope that if I stick around as a friend that I will break through that wall when she realizes I'm not going to Hirt her and possibly be able to reconnect with her. I would like advice, thoughts, and opinions, especially from people on both sides who have been through this. I would like to point out that she doesn't know what makes the attraction turn off like it does. She was also crying when she told me. That means to me that part of her didn't want to break up with me, but I could be wrong. Apart from being a little bit awkward the first day (yesterday) it's been pretty normal. I don't want to be over bearing or needy, nor do I want to be cold and distant. Please help, Hellish Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Continue to be her friend. Hell, be her best friend. Tell her that you are there for her, let her cry on your shoulders, lend her an ear. Abuse does effect people in many different ways, and it may have really broke her heart to find that the past boyfriend she has, who she thought who would never hurt her, hurt her in the end. Just be there for her. Be the sweet gentleman that you are. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Sorry you had this happen my friend, but its best that you leave this one alone. She is in no way ready for a relationship and though the idea of being the good guy, the "Knight in Shining Armor" is commedable, its not going to work in the long run. I think its best to walk away with your heart intact. Link to comment
HellishFarva Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Sorry you had this happen my friend, but its best that you leave this one alone. She is in no way ready for a relationship and though the idea of being the good guy, the "Knight in Shining Armor" is commedable, its not going to work in the long run. I think its best to walk away with your heart intact. The problem with this is, I don't want to loose this girl. Granted in the long run I will get over her sooner but the pain would be almost unbearable. Continue to be her friend. Hell, be her best friend. Tell her that you are there for her, let her cry on your shoulders, lend her an ear. Abuse does effect people in many different ways, and it may have really broke her heart to find that the past boyfriend she has, who she thought who would never hurt her, hurt her in the end. Just be there for her. Be the sweet gentleman that you are. And the problem with this is if I become the friend, the sweet gentleman, the best friend, then I loose her as someone I might be able to date later. She will say "I don't want to hurt our friendship with romantic feelings that might not last." Is there a third option? Something where I can help her, can be her friend while not becoming the guy she won't date because she "values our friendship". Is there ANYONE out there that has had this happen and it work out in the end? I truly don't know what to do. Hellish Link to comment
thetruth Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 can be her friend while not becoming the guy she won't date because she "values our friendship". that is a cop out. always has been and always will be. not that they never value friendship, i don't mean that. what i mean is physical/emotional/mental attraction overpowers "friendship" every single time. if she ever says that, it means regardless of what you would have done it would not have happened. Link to comment
brokenheart311 Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Hellish, Sorry to hear this happen to you. Your ex sounds like my ex, previous emotionally abusive relationship, sudden change in how she perceived the relationship, sorry to be hurting a "great guy". Except mine happened after almost two years and just before we were to get married. It's best that you found this out only two weeks in and all you can do is let her go do her own thing. If you try to "help" her through this she will likely see it as you trying to manipulate her feelings and she'll become resentful. Mine hasn't worked out, but also i don't thinnk she's had the time in the past 5 months to even scratch the surface of what happened in her own mind and heart. It will probably take years for your ex get to where she can maintain a LTR. Sorry to say it, but it's my POV. Link to comment
HellishFarva Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 i kind of had an realization. I think I'm going to be the guy that she knows and hangs out with every once in a while. I don't want to be the guy who droppes out her life. Nor do I want to become the best friend. So I think I want to be the one who texts her every other day. Starts a conversation. Maybe goes hang out every now and again. Would that be a good third option? I still need advice. Hellish Link to comment
HellishFarva Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 ok so things arn't going to plan. I haven't even done anything. It's so hard not to text or call when I want. I know what most of you are think. "You only dated her two weeks." but you've got to understand me. When I get into a relationship, I put 100 percent of me into it. I don't hold back at all. I get it from my Mom cause both she and my sister do the same thing. So two weeks for me is, I would say from judging other people I know, the same as 5 to 6 months for others. What would you suggest. Like at times I feel at piece. Like that I know i'll get over her. Then other times, the pain is so hurtful that I almost shut down. Hellish Link to comment
Sorrento Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 It sounds to me like what your best bet would be is to let her come to you. Make sure she knows that you are there (but only say it once, if you say it too much this could lead to pressure again) and she can call and text etc, and then let her come to you. If she isn't the one who comes to you then I think it could backfire in that she will feel "under-pressure" in a way. But its equally important that she knows you haven't "abandoned" her totally. Its a difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you. Understand that this may not bring the desired results, i.e. winning her back, and that it could be a long long time before she is ready for any kind of relationship. But if you want it that bad, then trying can't hurt. Please try not to hope too much though. Sorry I can't be more positive Link to comment
HellishFarva Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 I think I am going to try to NOT text or call any today except for late tonight, about the time she goes to bed I will text "goodnight". Just to let her know I haven't forgotten about her. Or should I just skip the "goodnight" all together and just wait until Wednesday to text/call her? I want as many people's advice as I can get. I appreciate each and every one of the people who have responded so far. I've had a similar situation happen to me twice before. Once I abandoned her, in that I cut all ties. Then once I pushed to hard, and she cut all ties with me. So with this girl, I am trying to take the middle ground. I have been talking to her mother, her mother agrees with me in thinking that the "cut off" of attraction to me is an excuse to hide her fear. Her fear of the feelings she has for me. Now if this is true, if my guess is correct, then would it be worth it? Would it be worth waiting and not giving up hope just yet? When is it time to give up hope? When will I know? I know what I sound like. I use to read posts like mine and laugh. I use to say stuff like "dude, just break it off" or "dude, this and that". But now I see how hard this crap is to handle. Karma's a B*tch. Hellish Link to comment
Welsh lad Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Hellish im going through exactly the same thing, read my post in the break up forum, depression and self esteem leading to break up. I am in scarily the same position as you. chat later hopefully? Link to comment
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