35 and single again... did I miss the boat?

[Nidania]

OHkay, this is going to be long folks, so you may want to get your coffee ready first.

 

Right now, as I type this, I am 35 years old, single with two children, and wondering if I've missed my chance at finding The One.

 

I was married for 9 years and divorced in 2005. My ex raped me twice near the end of the marriage, and was drinking out of control. Very soon after that, I fell into a 3 year relationship with a guy who made my ex look like a superhero. Once I had him out of my life with a little help from the police, I wound up in a one year online fling with a guy (married at that) who just recently has been contacted by his old GF through Facebook, and now he's planning on leaving his family for her, and we're just occasional friends now.

 

So. Here I sit. My weight has crept up over the past few years, and while I am doing something about it, it'll take about a year till I'm where I should be. I know my weight has a lot to do with how incredibly unattractive I feel. No man would look twice at me the way I look right now.

 

I was laid off at the end of June this year, and I have been accepted into college to become a nurse, starting in January. I'm excited by the career change, but I can't help wishing that The One is there at college waiting for me.

 

I'm learning the violin at 35, I joined a pool league last week, and I'm starting classes to join the Catholic Church next week. All sounds good, right? Well, I live in a teensy little rural Canadian town where the men are all senior citizens or are already married. I'm kinda hoping to meet someone at the college, but I'm old in comparison to the kids that'll be attending. Plus nursing isn't exactly packed with men.

 

I really don't know what to do. I've been trying the online dating stuff, but am not getting any hits. There's one guy I talked to over the phone last night, but I don't think it'll progress any further than that. Other than that, there's really nothing and no one out there that I can see.

 

Did I miss my chance? I feel so lonely and unlovable, ugly and useless... I can't stand feeling like this. I'm almost tempted to uproot the kids and move to the big city so I might have a chance at finding someone.

 

If I love someone, I give them as much as myself as I can. I love to help and feel useful. I love a person with my entire heart. It just seems to get me into trouble though, as I wind up hurt and alone.

 

(sigh) It's like I have to wait a year to get thin, and then maybe someone will notice that I exist. Of course then I'll be 36, and who would want a chick with two kids anyways?

 

Thanks for listening everyone.

[waveseer]

Is there any reason to stay in your tiny town?

[Nidania]

My son has a form of autism, and moving him into a new school when he'll be starting high school next year isn't advisable.

[waveseer]

Well, it's definitely possible to find an acceptable 'one' even where you are now. It helps tremendously if you can pare down your list of desired traits to the most basic 'gotta haves' and work around the rest.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Hey Nidania, welcome to ENA!

 

I honestly think you are looking at yourself from the wrong vantage point. First of all, congratulations on riding yourself from these wrong men, it must have been very tough for you to go through that. Also, I think nursing is a really good career and I hope you'll enjoy college very much. The violin lessons, the pool etc. it all shows that you are really making the most of your life, and not many of us can say that about ourselves.

 

I just wonder, why do you feel that you need to find your One Big Love now? You are only 35, that's not old by any stretch of the imagination. You can meet your soulmate pretty much at any point in your life -yes, of course the sooner the better, right But it can just as easily happen at 40, 45, 50. It really can.

 

You have plenty of time to work on your degree, lose that extra weight, raise your children, enjoy life as a single mother who dates... You're in no rush. In fact, I think maybe it would be even better if you make a point to yourself of NOT looking for romance or love now that you are starting college. I don't mean you have to say no to it should it come -just... not to think about it.

 

I think your poor heart deserves a break after all you've gone through!

 

(not that kind of break )

[Nidania]

I think the need to find My One has everything to do with my "fling" rediscovering his long lost love all over again. He's completely head-over-heels for her, and I so wish I could experience that same thing.

 

I hear people talk about "learn to love yourself first" but I'm having a heck of a time doing that. I'm attempting to create some sort of life apart from my kids, but it's so early into it, I don't know if it's making any difference in ME yet.

 

It's been a long 14 years. This level of insecurity that I feel every day is magnified every time I look back and see what a mess I've made. This is so not where I pictured myself when I was a starry-eyed teen.

 

The only must-have's in a partner is someone kind and intelligent. That's it.

[Huzzah_89]

Hey, you seem like a great person, But I think you too, fell for one of the bad boys.

 

You sure can meet someone who will treat you well like you deserve. Ease up on yourself, he will come along.

[surfNski]

Just food for thought. I am 31, single, and in school for nursing. While I am different from you in just about every way my point is that there are men out there. Sometimes in places you least expect them, like nursing school. Good luck and follow your dreams...

[Nidania]

Just food for thought. I am 31, single, and in school for nursing. While I am different from you in just about every way my point is that there are men out there. Sometimes in places you least expect them, like nursing school. Good luck and follow your dreams...

 

Thank you for that. And good luck to you in school!

 

For now, I'm going to have to step back from men altogether. I'm starting a NC today, as the man who's now choosing between his GF and his wife isn't helping me one bit (I don't exactly fit into THAT equation, and honestly, I don't think I want to)

 

I'll try and focus on school, violin, playing pool, and my upcoming church classes. At least those things are good for me and give me some enjoyment.