What the........HELP!!!

[Sauron21]

I know this might get long so bare with me please.

I have a problem. A big one. You see, I am dating this girl. Everything is fine. I enjoy her company alot. I cant say she is my soulmate though. There is (almost) nothing wrong with this girl and the relationship I have with her. But (there are always buts in these kinds of forums) I have alot of female friend. Thats my life. Women are my life.

I am a good guy, if I can say so myself. I try to treat women with respect and compassion. I try to please them as much as possible. Lets just say I cant say no to women.

Now, I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months now. Things are great. But I know I dont love her. I know it and she knows it.

Among all the female friends of mine, there is one I hold dearest. Lets just call this women T, and my girlfriend L.

I have been friends with T about 5-6 years, but only in the last 2 years have we gotten really close. I have always seen her as one of my best friends. There is nothing I wouldnt do for her. I generally think of her before anyone and anything else. We go to the movies together, we talk late at night, we tell eachother everything,(and thats saying alot since she is she is a women and I am a guy). You might say I know better then most people.

I have never thought about the possibility of us together, because we never were like that. I lend on her in life and she lend on me.

About 2 years ago,something happened, and we became close. After that I started think, before doing anything,"Will she like this?", "What if I did this,would she like this better?", thing like that.

This went both sides. She would think like this for me and I of her.

About 4 months ago we went out with a guy friend of mine, (PS:She is singel), and we did what we always do. Sat down somewhere and started talking. Me,T and this guy friend of mine. After some time of talking I started noticing that he was looking at her,(you guys know what I mean with looking at her). As I was thinking about what the hell to say to this guy,because I come from a foreign country that does not accept this kind of behaviour toward people we really care for,I noticed that she was kinda of looking back at him. I got a bit confused, but I thought if thats what she want, fine by me. We ended the evening and went home to her. T and me. I asked her what was going on and she said "Not much, he was looking so I looked back. I didnt really like him alot." I took her word for it and didnt mention it to her again. But I couldnt stop thinking about the fact that she looked back at him. I keeped thinking, "Why would she do that?" and "It isent like her to do that." After a couple weeks you would think that it would pass right? Guess again. I just couldent stop thinking about the fact that she looked back at him as if to say, "Yes, make your move." I havent seen the guy since and neither has she because I am the only one that knows him. I started thinking "Why cant I stop thinking about this?" and "It wasent even that importent."

As I started thinking about it I got to the conclusion that it wasent the fact that she looked back at him, it was that she never looks back at me like that. The realty of my feeling hit my like a brick wall. I was truly hurt because the women I have laid in bed next to at one point in time, didnt look at me the same way she looked at this other guy that she didnt even know.

This in its self wasent the most depressing part. The most depressing part is the fact that when I think about getting together with her, I realize that I cant. She doesnt see me like that, and she thinks I dont see her like that either. There are alot of other things that stand in our way. The fact that she is 5 years older then me is a small factor, but the biggest is that her family sees me a s really good friend to both her and them. My family and her family are really good friends. I just cant get with her without going through hell,which I am propared to do, but that would also mean that she might have to go through it as well.

 

So now, I have a girlfriend that could live without, but choose not to because she is the only thing keeping me sane. (Some of you might know the feeling of wanting something so badly that is right in front of you the whole time, but just out of reach. HOW IT DRIVES A MAN CRAZY!!) T is starting to see changes in me that she doesnt understand because she does not know that I am falling for her. And I have two families that might just explode if I mess things up.

 

Help me out here people. Anything might help.

[clarabel]

Hello there I am a bit confused myself at present so I don't know if this will help or not

Alot of relationships start out as friends & she may feel the same & if you leave it too long you may loose her to someone else.

If however you are in a predicament anything like mine & you don't know how she feels you won't want to ruin your friendship but you have known her a very long time & should know her by now. Maybe if you tell her how you feel when you are both drunk & she doesn't feel the same then she will just think you are messing about cos your pissed but if she does feel the same it could be the start of something big & you could end up happy together.

Whatever you decide you definitely shouldn't be with L & the longer you are with her the more difficult it may become to end it - I know its not easy but you deserve to be with the right person lifes too short.

[Sauron21]

I just cant leave L. Thats the only thing that keeps me sane. I know that she might not like the fact that I am falling for someone else, but I cant help. I just dont know what to do with T. I see her smiling and laughting. I see her talking to other people and it breakes my heart when I can clearly see the difference. I see that she tries to impress other people and be attractable for other guys. I cant stand it. Every day, every hour, with every breath I think about telling her how I feel and hearing those word sent by an angel, "I love you too.", but alas that these hard days would will be mine. May the heavenly light and divene wisdom rain over me and fill me with knowlegde. Because I cant take this anymore. Her faces becomes more and more beautiful eachday. May God have mercy on my soul, for it doubts what it knows.

[enigma03]

Hi Sauron21!

Yes, you are in a strange predicament; strange but not unusual. You believe that your girlfriend keeps you sane and yet you don't love her. Does this only mean that you don't care for her or that you aren't romantically inclined towards her?

I can't give advice but I can give you the "girlfriend's prespective" in the situation. Like you, my boyfriend also has lots of female friends. So many, in fact that he tends to believe he thinks and understands women better than he can relate to men (lucky me to have such a sensitive bf...took me a long time to shut off that gay-dar). I can't say that he currently has a friend who is as close to him as T is to you but I do know that he don't off one of his past relationships because his girlfriend was having problems with his close friend, say, Kate. I have not met any of his close circle of friends yet but I don't consider myself a jealous people. However, if I was L, I would break up with you if I knew what was going on. My reasoning is this: Although you don't love L, she may love you. If she loves you, she will still care for you and do everything she does now to "keep you sane." This however, applies only in my case because that how I am. But the fact you are grasping on to her like a drowning man grabs on to a buoy, that's wrong.

As cliche as it sounds, you have to be a man and make a choice to either stay with your gf or to take the chance with T. I can clue you in on a few roadblocks you may encounter though. 1) your friend T may tell you that she can't date you because that will ruin the friendship. This one is a classic scenario. 2)You decide not to tell your girlfriend and she finds out anyway that you like T. This one gets ugly. 3) T decides not to date you because you were unfaithful to your current girlfriend L. Meanwhile, you lose both girls.

Of course, I'm showing you all the negative sides and chances are, you've thought of them already and that's why your stressed. My only suggestion is that if T is as good a friend as you say she is, talk to her. Explain everything to her like you explained it on the postings here. If she expresses feelings for you, go for it. If not, rethink things through. There's no point in being in a constant state of torture like this.