Attempted Friends With The Ex & The "Talk"

[Honey610]

So I ended up calling the ex tonight. My suspicions were confirmed. Firstly, we were just talking about random stuff for like 40 minutes and at the end I just asked him... " so do you consider us friends or dating?" He said friends why? I was just like, "Oh I was just curious cause I wasn't sure". Then he was like okay. Kind of left it at that. Then I asked, "Do you ever see anything happen with us" And he said, "We're friends, if you want something more, then you need to decide what to do; don't expect anything". I said I wasn't expecting anything, so he's like "Were you thinking by being friends that something may happen between us" and I said "No, when I called you I was genuinely calling to be friends".

 

So basically he said, that I shouldn't expect anything and he likes where we are right now and he's not looking for anything from anyone. He also said, we already tried and it didn't work out which I replied, that it didn't work out because of our own individual problems and he said exactly which is why he isn't looking for anything still. He's not ready. To be honest, I don't even know what the heck I was asking lol I guess I just wanted to know that if there was still a chance to which he replied don't expect anything. He never gave me any sort of direct answer.

 

So he just wants to be friends. As much as I want to be his friend, I don't think I can (as hard as that is to admit to myself and him). So I think I'll be cutting contact, but I'm not sure yet. This is so hard. We have a concert next month and even though I really want to go, I don't know how that would be for me.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated right now. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling right now... just confused all around.

[orangesoda]

i think you're better off staying away from him until you really can be 'just friends'.

[waveseer]

You don't need all the answers right now. Take a day off contemplating. Ease your mind, take a little mental vacation. With relaxation and peace comes clarity. Put on some calming music and meditate. The right answer will come when it's time. Trust in yourself to take care of yourself properly. You are your own best friend.

[vertigoxo]

I would go LC, for your own good and for him to miss you a little more.

[Honey610]

Thank you for all your responses

 

I will be thinking over things for the next few days. I think my problem is I want to know what's going to happen between us and tried asking him to see what he thinks lol When I was asking him, it seemed like I made sense, but after thinking it through...how would he know what's going to happen? And how would I?

 

I unintentionally pushed him and he even said that he felt "burdened by my questions" which says a lot right there. I feel bad for putting this all on him because he did say he likes the way things are now; us hanging out and really getting to know each other. And the truth is, I do/did too.

[Xplode]

im 7 months broken up with someone i would love to be friends with, feelings still there for me. so i cant contact her. i suggest you do the same. it gets easier much quicker.

[D_Lish]

I think you made it obvious that you were looking for more, when you asked 'Are we friends or dating?'. If he had called you, I could have understand why you asked that question and because you would have been curious as to why he'd called. But you called him.....

 

Sounds that at this point, he isnt ready to pick up where you left off.

And friends with the ex isnt easy and is not recommended if you still want them back and they dont feel the same. Things may be great for a while, but eventually you will start to resent him and for not giving you, what it is you really want.

[coolchick64]

Thank you for all your responses

 

When I was asking him, it seemed like I made sense, but after thinking it through...how would he know what's going to happen? And how would I?

 

I think this is key. A really great insight. The only way to move forward is to let go of the idea that either of you knows what's going to happen. Imagine you'd just met someone and on the first or second date, you had asked that question. It's understandable you want to be guarded, but protect yourself by taking what he says at face value and investing only so much. If things start to turn the corner, you won't have to ask. You'll know.

 

I agree with Waveseer. Back off and gather your thoughts. Don't make any decisions about the future, and definitely don't send him any messages where you declare how the future's going to be (like, "I've thought about it and we can't be friends."). Just go NC (unless he contacts you), let the weeks go by, and see how you feel when the concert's closer.

[Honey610]

Vertigo- Yes, I agree I will be going LC. Whether he misses me or not, that's highly questionable

 

Xplode- I did do NC for 3 and a half months after we broke up and I agree it does get better as time goes on.

 

D-Lish- I agree I made it obvious. To be honest, I think I was starting to get jealous about the other girl he is dating which subsequently made me wonder, so why can't we date? I was taking the whole thing too personally.

 

CoolChick- The funny thing is, that was one of my problems in our previous relationship. That I couldn't just let things flow, I needed to know everything. I'm taking space and I do feel better today.

 

So today, I'm feeling better. I was thinking of just apologizing to him and kind of making peace and then (without telling him) do NC and see if he even contacts me. I'm not going to say anything about the future or what I want or anything but just kind apologize for burdening him. What do you guys think?

[bravebird]

don't contact him. he is dating someone else. think of how you would feel if you were that girl. maybe when he's single.

[Honey610]

So I texted him today just apologizing for coming at him like that cause it wasn't fair. I just said I don't expect anything from him and hope there's no hard feelings. He replied back, "Sure its forgotten".

 

Now, I will be doing NC. Thanks for your comment Bravebird. He's not in a relationship at the moment and he's actually dating a couple people I just know of the one girl.

 

Ugh, now comes the hard part, LC. I have done NC before and it helped me a lot but I guess this time around I just don't see how it will help. But I have a date tomorrow night, so I'm moving on. He already knows who I am and how much we have in common and I think I've shown him how much I've changed by us hanging out (minus last night's conversation) so I guess only time will tell...

[Honey610]

Sorry meant, I will be doing LC allowing him to contact me.

[Nicole2009]

I had a concert with my ex to go to after we broke up. I was advised not to go, but I ended up going. I'm glad I went, it was a great concert and I had a good time. I made friends with the people beside me and I made it about me and the artist

[Honey610]

Thanks Nicole for your reply. I thought about it and I will definitely be going to the concert, him and I have been looking forward to it for over 2 months now. It's not that I think we won't hang out again, it just won't be as often. We've been hanging out almost every week and when you're not a couple that gets kind of weird.

[longdist]

I'd do what you feel is right for your situation. Only you know what you can deal with and only you know the relationship. Relationships don't return instantaneously. It requires both of you to feel things out. Just have fun with it and don't put all of your cards into this guy until he can do the same for you. If you don't think you can handle being friends, then don't. Do what's best for you and quit listening to us. Take some time and allow yourself to think about what you really want to do.

[doiiiieeezie]

I'd do what you feel is right for your situation. Only you know what you can deal with and only you know the relationship. Relationships don't return instantaneously. It requires both of you to feel things out. Just have fun with it and don't put all of your cards into this guy until he can do the same for you. If you don't think you can handle being friends, then don't. Do what's best for you and quit listening to us. Take some time and allow yourself to think about what you really want to do.

 

completely agree.

[Honey610]

Thanks LongDist & Doiiieeezie You're both right. He always tells me I over think things and I do esp. when it comes to relationships. I want him in my life and honestly, this is the first time, that I've kinda stuck through this type of situation and I don't know why. He's a special guy and I'd rather he date and figure out what he wants then to just come back to me because its convenient or comfortable. I'm grateful that he's honest with me throughout this whole thing and just like someone said earlier, I should only invest as much that is needed (not more than that).

[Honey610]

So I talked to my ex last night. We had a really good conversation and will likely hang out next week. Whatever happened the other day, has been worked through and he's not acting weird or uncomfortable at all, which I'm glad. I'm definitely not expecting anything from him and just want to really enjoy the time we do have together.

 

I'll keep this updated.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts, they really helped

[coolchick64]

Cool! I'm glad things turned around. Def. keep us posted : )

[Honey610]

Thank you CoolChick I know that you are going through a similar situation, so I will definitely update this thread and you do the same

[JonasWaingaro]

Glad to hear you talked it out and it's better! I think it's good you're keeping the expectations down for a bit. Going to the concert then? And keep us updated!

[Honey610]

Thanks Jonas

 

Yes, I'm definitely going to the concert it's in another month, but I would've been waiting a long time to go!

[Honey610]

So saw the ex yesterday. Since the conversation last time, figured I'd do something small to make amends. So I invited him over for lunch. It went pretty well. We ended up getting high (which I've only done once before) which was cool but kinda awkward at times. While high, we ended up eating which was great cause he really liked the food. Then after eating we were just sitting there. Pretty quiet since we were both high and just making light conversation here and there. And at one point he asked me what I feel like so I was like huh? He was like do you want food? I was like no not that. Then he was like something to drink? I was like no, don't want that. Then 10 minutes later, out of nowhere I said I want sex. It was so not deliberate it just came out of my mouth. Then I quickly said, "I just meant in general, I'm not asking you for any" and he didn't say anything. So I felt kinda dumb. lol

 

Anyway, time went on and we're still high. He was talking about something and I interrupted him asking, " Why didn't you say anything when I mentioned sex?" And he said that he feels that maybe things got weird between him and I was because we had sex so he didn't think it was a good idea. Even though I never asked him for sex! lol So I told him things didn't get weird because of the sex, it was just weird because it was weird that's all. But I told him I understood. So I felt kinda dumb though I really don't know why so I wasn't saying much plus my mind was literally blank. I think he felt bad cause he kept trying to make chit chat and at times I wasn't responding. It was just an awkward meet up.

 

I finally accepted us as friends and it seems like no matter what I do, I'm in the wrong or I'm over analyzing things (well he thinks I'm over analyzing things). And anytime I mention anything about someone else's relationship or one of my friends getting engaged I can tell it makes him uncomfortable, even though I never even mentioned anything about him and I. I guess right now he's just sensitive to the whole dating concept right now. Oh and at one point, I asked him " Why do you hang out with me? Is it because I'm entertaining?". I said it as a kind of joke to which he responded, " You think too hard about things. Just relax. I shouldn't even have to give you answer for that". So I was like okay...... apparently I can't even ask him a question without it being taken out of context.

 

Right now, I feel like I've been putting in a lot of the effort to show I care and I'm not receiving anything back. So I've decided to go to NC. I won't be contacting him anymore I'm just drained from this whole thing. I can't seem to say or do anything right at this point so I'm just going to do nothing. Not that I won't talk to him if he calls me but I won't be calling or texting him anymore. I think I've made things too easy for him, in a way. So I'm just going to stop.

[Honey610]

Any comments? I'm feeling kinda down about the situation...

[longdist]

Well, it does sound like you can each use a break. I can certainly see where your ex is coming from in regards to the questions you asked him and comments you make. Do you ask normal friends why they hang out with you? Is it possible that you are bringing up a lot of this stuff from your subconscious even if you aren't purposely pushing relationship talk? It sounds like he may not be ready for a friendship yet either because he interprets everything you say as an attempt to get back together. In the end, it's your call, like I said before. He may be able to work through the awkwardness he feels by just maintaining this friendship for a longer time. However, in my personal opinion, NC might not be a bad option. You may want to talk to him about it first though. Just let him know that he is taking things out of context (if that is really true) and you both need some time so that the friendship could be more casual instead of being filled with awkwardness.