VioletFig Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I tried to be very understanding with my ex and we were slowly getting back together. But then I met up with a friend of his who mentioned A LOT of secrets and private info I didnt ask for about my ex Out of loyalty to my ex I told him his 'friend' tattled some deep dark secrets. Instead of rewarding my loyalty he completely shut down and would only give on word replies via texts and refused to answer my calls or call me back. I finally asked him if he still had a necklace of mine. Instead of offering to see me and return it, he coldly offered to mail it back as soon as possible. I then called him twice more to reach out. Nothing. So I totally gave up. When I got my necklace back in the mail, I cried long and hard. It seemed the harder I tried to reach out and show I care the more distant he got. Finally 2 months passed and out of the blue he IM'd me. How was I doing. Now he is slowly contacting me. Why do they do this when we totally vanish ? Link to comment
beerock Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 fear of loss sets in Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Because they're afraid of losing their safety net. Link to comment
mellow Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 this is so right, jeez. Link to comment
June_Bug Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 OMG, this has happened to me too many times! It's like as soon as I feel I am getting over someone, they someone how sense it and try to suck me back into their emotional vortex! Link to comment
VioletFig Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 OMG, this has happened to me too many times! It's like as soon as I feel I am getting over someone, they someone how sense it and try to suck me back into their emotional vortex! I'm totally thrown off by his reappearance. Even when we broke up we stayed in touch 1-2 a week. To then have it all fall apart and total silence was crushing. I suppose that he was being a typical male and being stoic instead of venting his feelings. But now I dont trust him when we can cut me off so easily. Link to comment
europe84 Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Exactly, fear of loss. Plus, jealousy of course. If you go on strict NC, they come sniffing around to find out what you're up to. It doesn't necessarily mean they want you back, it's just that their pride has been damaged when the dumper decides to go hard NC. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 1. They havnt managed to get no one else 2. The sex supply has ran short. 3. They are bored. Link to comment
toflyforreal Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I'm totally thrown off by his reappearance. Even when we broke up we stayed in touch 1-2 a week. To then have it all fall apart and total silence was crushing. I suppose that he was being a typical male and being stoic instead of venting his feelings. But now I dont trust him when we can cut me off so easily. Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! don't answer. let him wonder. let him deal with the consequences of having broken up with you, which is that you don't have to be there anymore. he can enjoy that. Link to comment
intolerable Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 oh ho ho ho! My ex did this to me. and as soon as I started acting like he doesn't exist he initiated LC. But then I still ignored him, even when he got drunk of me. I admit, a smaller part of me is playing games, but a really bigger part of me feels that there is no need to fix things with him. Link to comment
VioletFig Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! don't answer. let him wonder. let him deal with the consequences of having broken up with you, which is that you don't have to be there anymore. he can enjoy that. no, i won't today is always a dark day (used to work at WTC2) Thinking things, over he abandoned talking to me at the most stressful time in my entire life. (lost my job, mortgage company forgot to pay my real estate taxes and i was set for a tax sale of my house, sick mom, etc) Now that I'm cooly and calmly back on my feet I have a very different attitude towards him. I think it's more that Im angry that he is now contacting me I'm not some toy he can play with when he feels like. Link to comment
HoldingHope Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Im not really sure, but in all the relationship articles/theories I have read since my break up, they say they come back when you least expect it, you have let go. This is another testament to it! Link to comment
VioletFig Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Im not really sure, but in all the relationship articles/theories I have read since my break up, they say they come back when you least expect it, you have let go. This is another testament to it! I'm only live because Im a nightowl and independent. That didn't mesh well with getting up super early to make it the 103rd floor of WTC2. Had a great career path but decided to literally walk away form my job one day. The woman who took over my job was in PR and she was killed on 9-11 because they didnt know the threat was so bad and she was handling calls. I always feel like I have to enjoy and make my life worthwhile when this date comes around. My exBF was great fun and fascinating and charming. But he didn't care about most people. Doesn't give a damn. Full of conspiracy theories too. Heck he believes there ARE Greys around (aliens) I need someone reality based. Who cares. Is brave and doesn't run. Link to comment
eikal Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 don't play games, it's just not cool. be straight with him, tell him "if your coming back to me when i'm pretty much over you then you damn sure have some amazing ideas on how you plan to make this work or i'm walking" tell him flat out what your feeling, i love a girl who is straight up honest, i never mess with girls that play games if they start to i drop it immediately. Link to comment
VioletFig Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 don't play games, it's just not cool. be straight with him, tell him "if your coming back to me when i'm pretty much over you then you damn sure have some amazing ideas on how you plan to make this work or i'm walking" tell him flat out what your feeling, i love a girl who is straight up honest, i never mess with girls that play games if they start to i drop it immediately. I was already straight up up front with my feelings. I'm just trying to understand the rationale behind reappearing. Link to comment
VioletFig Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 Hmm well hmmm New info. His best friend called me. His bf is also his business partner for a decade. He called me and said he needed my ex to attend a really important industry event tomorrow. He is one of the keynote speakers for a 50 million dollar entertainment deal. Instead he told his biz partner he was feeling off. When I told his biz partner no Im not speaking to him he said Im the reason he must be acting squirrely. Oh goodness. WTH ? Link to comment
toflyforreal Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Hmm well hmmm New info. His best friend called me. His bf is also his business partner for a decade. He called me and said he needed my ex to attend a really important industry event tomorrow. He is one of the keynote speakers for a 50 million dollar entertainment deal. Instead he told his biz partner he was feeling off. When I told his biz partner no Im not speaking to him he said Im the reason he must be acting squirrely. Oh goodness. WTH ? this is an interesting update. a similar thing happened to me recently - my ex's roommate told me that my ex hadn't been going out on the weekends. sitting around and moping and stuff, probably upset about what's happened between us and the fact that i don't talk to him anymore. (he's very shy and it usually takes someone to get him out of the house - used to be me, frequently.) in your situation, there is more at stake then someone just being a bum to their friends and not fun to be around. there is money and professional success at stake. but i believe the message is the same. *we, as the dumped, the abused or hurt, are no longer responsible to pick up the pieces.* sorry, no can do! Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 this is an interesting update. a similar thing happened to me recently - my ex's roommate told me that my ex hadn't been going out on the weekends. sitting around and moping and stuff, probably upset about what's happened between us and the fact that i don't talk to him anymore. (he's very shy and it usually takes someone to get him out of the house - used to be me, frequently.) in your situation, there is more at stake then someone just being a bum to their friends and not fun to be around. there is money and professional success at stake. but i believe the message is the same. *we, as the dumped, the abused or hurt, are no longer responsible to pick up the pieces.* sorry, no can do! Same thing here. First month or so after the breakup the ex was going out ALL THE TIME and I was left to look at the aftermath on facebook. "X is going camping this weekend (I was also supposed to go on that trip)," "X partied all night at the rooftop bar," "Ex's life has become amazing so unexpectedly....." Then there would be the photos in which he looked happy in all of them, like nothing even happened... It used to rip me apart inside. But from what I hear through the grapevine now, the tables have been turned. His status last night? "Another Saturday at home. Might as well make the most of it. More music and Fallout?" I'm getting the impression that other than giving the occasional guitar lesson and maybe hanging out with a friend every now and then he is sleeping all day and staying up all night playing video games. Ha! Life isn't so exciting now it is? My life on the other hand hasn't been too bad. I started seeing someone and I've been hanging out with him and his friends all of the time. I've partied so hard the last 2 nights that I'm exhausted.... There are other things I've heard that bother me a little bit. Such as him quitting his second job and not enrolling in classes this semester.... I used to be the concerned, caring girlfriend that more than occasionally kicked his butt into gear to motivate him. As much as I want to do that now.... I can't. He kicked me out of his life so now he has to see what it's like without me. Link to comment
toflyforreal Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 There are other things I've heard that bother me a little bit. Such as him quitting his second job and not enrolling in classes this semester.... I used to be the concerned, caring girlfriend that more than occasionally kicked his butt into gear to motivate him. As much as I want to do that now.... I can't. He kicked me out of his life so now he has to see what it's like without me. i hear ya so much here, girl! i am beginning to recognize now, that throughout our relationship, friends and otherwise, i used to feel like i could "save" this guy sometimes. make him more motivated to go out, be a more open person, etc. so now that i hear that he's sequestering himself as often as ever, i say... oh well. only he will be able to change himself. Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 i hear ya so much here, girl! i am beginning to recognize now, that throughout our relationship, friends and otherwise, i used to feel like i could "save" this guy sometimes. make him more motivated to go out, be a more open person, etc. so now that i hear that he's sequestering himself as often as ever, i say... oh well. only he will be able to change himself. Yeah. It's not like I was trying to change him or anything. But during the last 4-6 months of our off/on 7 year relationship I felt like he was starting to rely on me to pick up the slack, considering he had lost a job and just wasn't where he wanted to be in his life. He isn't normally like that. That's why this whole thing worries me. Makes me wonder if he's depressed about something. I would like to think that he is depressed about me not being around anymore. But other than that email I got from him a few days ago asking for my half of the power bill and whatnot... I haven't gotten any contact from him. *sigh* Link to comment
toflyforreal Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 He isn't normally like that. That's why this whole thing worries me. Makes me wonder if he's depressed about something. I would like to think that he is depressed about me not being around anymore. But other than that email I got from him a few days ago asking for my half of the power bill and whatnot... I haven't gotten any contact from him. *sigh* it's hard to not get back in contact with that person when you feel like, they shouldn't be moving on?? should i remind them that i am here?? but the reality is, sometimes they do. and perhaps we ought to do the same. i do believe in the NC - but not NC out of spite, NC out of love for yourself. You do the NC because you respect yourself and know that you do not want to hurt yourself again. You do it to honor what you had, and you do it for as long as you want to. There is no "forever" only what is right at the moment. reading some of your threads it sounds like you are making lots of efforts to take care of yourself and move forward, with yourself and other possible relationships! i've been saying a mantra lately which is, "for every hour you spend looking back, spend the next two looking forward." trying, anyway. good luck moving forward! Link to comment
i miss her 2 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Do they usually try to see what you're up to when they left you for someone else? Link to comment
nauum Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Ok my question is this though....all of you keep saying ignore it and let me them and continue to call you...what happens when you answer and they go back to the same old stuff. Sooooo..when do you know that they TRULY have thought about things and miss you and realize you're the one as opposed to when they are just lonely and sniffing? Link to comment
bravebird Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Ok my question is this though....all of you keep saying ignore it and let me them and continue to call you...what happens when you answer and they go back to the same old stuff. Sooooo..when do you know that they TRULY have thought about things and miss you and realize you're the one as opposed to when they are just lonely and sniffing? omigosh. i want to know the answer to this one too! is it just an endless cycle of NC and LC until one of you eventually finds someone else? what if neither one dates for an extended period of time? what a bleak future that sounds like. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 2 months? Probably was seeing someone and things didn't work out. Link to comment
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