bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I have been going to a therapist to try to better myself and I think I have opened a huge can of worms inside myself. I don't have anyone to talk to about this so please be kind. I am a thirty-something woman who has been living with a man for 13 years and we are considered common law married now I guess. He treats me fine except all along he has been obsessed with his past life. He was divorced when I met him and has three kids. I have always felt like I could never measure up to his wife and his mistress that he left his wife for. I am afraid of him because he has a terrible temper so I never want to make him mad. Recently I have had a hard time with feelings I am having for my therapist. I have been attracted to him since day one and I think he may find me attractive also. I never let on to him about my feelings though. I am feeling sick to my stomach a lot when I think about how great my life would be if he were my man. He is not married and is my age (my man is 20 years older). We could have our own life and not have to deal with my man's baggage and re-live his divorce all the time. I am so confused and can anyone give me any advice? Thanks for all the advice. I know everyone is right but I have been feeling tons of guilt because lately my man has been so nice and he keeps saying how I am his whole world and he couldn't go on without me. I know deep down that he really loves and needs me in his life. He has endured so many family tragedies and I really believe he would kill himself if I said I want to end our relationship. I honestly don't think I could live with myself it that would happen. He can become very depressed and has a family history of suicide. I don't know how to change my feelings and I am really going to try to re-commit myself to him. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 it's common to fall for your counselor... it happens a lot and i even believe this a "name" for it. I wouldn't stress too much about it- in fact... you might even want to bring it up to him... i'm sure its not the first time he has had a patient feel this way. and here is some simple advice... if you aren't happy with your life.. then change it...if that means ending a relationship - then so be it. a person shouldn't have to be in counseling to keep a relationship together. a person shouldn't be afraid of the person they are with. a relationship is suppose to make you feel better about yourself - not worse. my advice..tell your counselor how you are feeling- and get out of your relationship. Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 thanks for your advice, I just have a hard time telling my man my real feelings because I am afraid of letting him down and hurting him. He has gone through hell once in his life with his first marriage. I hope I can stop my feelings from showing with my therapist though because I will feel awkward. Link to comment
FortunateOne Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Wow! This sounds like classic therapeutic transference. I suggest you discuss this with your therapist and figure a healthy way out of it. This emotional attachement is due to the need for love in your life because of the emotionally abusive stressful environment you currently live. Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 This is so hard for me to talk about. Now that I am reading the responses I am realizing what a fool I am. I should have never even gone for help because it has only given me more stress to deal with I guess. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 thanks for your advice, I just have a hard time telling my man my real feelings because I am afraid of letting him down and hurting him. He has gone through hell once in his life with his first marriage. I hope I can stop my feelings from showing with my therapist though because I will feel awkward. its not your fault that he's been through a lot- you didn't cause that. you can't deny your own feelings, needs and desires for the sake of someone else. trust me .. i learned that the hard way. you have to take care of yourself FIRST - if everyone took care of themselves and their own needs in an honest and loving way - we wouldn't have half of the problems we have. your best bet- be honest with yourself and others as to how you feel. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 This is so hard for me to talk about. Now that I am reading the responses I am realizing what a fool I am. I should have never even gone for help because it has only given me more stress to deal with I guess. no .. you need to hear this stuff... you just don't want to know how you REALLY feel because if you did .. you have to start making changes that you aren't willing to make- like getting rid of an abusive man in your life. do you know that along with abuse there is also emotional abuse... manipulation ... they beat you down and strip you of yourself esteem ... and get you blaming yourself for everything.. therapy is NOT the problem... the problem is you don't want to face what your true feelings are - and what is happening right now you are realizing how unhappy you are. you can face it now or you can face it later- but the longer you wait the harder it will be. and you are going to have to eventually face it. Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I did open up to one of my friends and she said I should forget about my feelings for the therapist because my guy needs me too much. I am afraid of the incredible guilt I would feel if I hurt him. Also, I don't know if he would try to kill himself if I broke up, he gets terrible depression. Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I understand about emotional abuse and that is something that is hard for me to deal with because I did try to break up about ten years ago but he came crying to me and I took him back. He treats me like a prisoner and doesn't trust me. I am afraid he'll hurt me if I tell him I want out. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I did open up to one of my friends and she said I should forget about my feelings for the therapist because my guy needs me too much. I am afraid of the incredible guilt I would feel if I hurt him. Also, I don't know if he would try to kill himself if I broke up, he gets terrible depression. the above is NOT your problem... if he takes his life .. thats his choice.. you can't change that... if he threatens you with taking his life- call the authorities... let him know that you aren't playing around with that. a lot of times they use the "i'll kill myself" as a tool to manipulate and control.... one day .. "thats it i'm doing it" you pay it no mind ... six months later you see the walking down the street.... its simple they aren't going to kill themselves.. you and your love aren't that important to them that they will end their life. his problems are not YOUR problems... they are HIS problems and HE needs to take care of them .. not you. is he in counseling? is he getting help for his depression? or is he just dumping it all on your lap to deal with - making it YOUR problem. i'm concerned about this temper you mentioned and being afraid of him- you are in the "i love him he needs me we have this great love... he's so special ... a good man ..but just a little troubled .. if i love him enough he will come around ..so i will endure this for now because i know in the end it will perfect" fog. and thats how they manipulate you my friend..... Link to comment
FortunateOne Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I did open up to one of my friends and she said I should forget about my feelings for the therapist because my guy needs me too much. I am afraid of the incredible guilt I would feel if I hurt him. Also, I don't know if he would try to kill himself if I broke up, he gets terrible depression. I understand about emotional abuse and that is something that is hard for me to deal with because I did try to break up about ten years ago but he came crying to me and I took him back. He treats me like a prisoner and doesn't trust me. I am afraid he'll hurt me if I tell him I want out. Have you spoken to your therapist about this fear? Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Have you spoken to your therapist about this fear? i agree... you need to talk to your therapist... and whoever that friend is that is telling you to be there for him... get rid of them too. NO ONE is ANYONES prisoner... he doesn't trust YOU because HE can't be trusted. fact. Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 You are right, I am in a fog. He is not in counselling and he does dump everything on my lap. I have seen his violent temper quite a few times and he usually doesn't hurt me just throws and breaks things like a little kid. Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 No. We aren't discussing my relationship. It's a wellness thing for weight loss. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 No. We aren't discussing my relationship. It's a wellness thing for weight loss. so this counselor is for weight loss not for what is happening in your relationship? Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yes it is for weight and self-esteem. Link to comment
FortunateOne Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Is this therapist a licensed mental health care professional? Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yes he is licensed and very sought after in his field. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 i have never heard of this kind of therapist ..so i'm not going to comment. however your self esteem issues are easy to figure out- well at least the source - your boyfriend. he probably tells you that: no one will ever love you like he does that your issues are the cause for all the problems in the relationship you can't do things as good as he can that his first wife did this that and the other thing- and you feel you can't measure up he probably threatens you gives you the silent treatment doesn't care about your wants or desires plays the good guy around other people making you look like the crazy one lies checks your phone purse email car accuses you of cheating and you sit there and defend it when you have had enough he cries and begs and says how sorry he is how he will change he probably tells you he has loved no other like he has loved you he probably gives you crap about what you wear- * * * * ty, not nice enough, you look sloppy, fat. yeah been there done that. its him not you. Link to comment
bellamia Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 You hit it spot on!! I am tired of being the bad person in this relationship when all I do is suffer in silence. I just don't know how to proceed with all of this bull. He insisted I work part-time and now he supports me and I drive a car in HIS name not mine. I have absolutely nothing if I leave. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 You hit it spot on!! I am tired of being the bad person in this relationship when all I do is suffer in silence. I just don't know how to proceed with all of this bull. He insisted I work part-time and now he supports me and I drive a car in HIS name not mine. I have absolutely nothing if I leave. bella.. YOU are describing my life a few months ago... right down to the car in his name. heres what you do... you leave. you call friends family - shelters what ever you have to do- find some place to stay so you can get on your feet. you find your strength. stop denying what you are feeling and how much this relationship has taken from you. you find a counselor that deals with abused woman who can help you see your own worth. there are ways ... there is always a way to make it work for you. i feel for you- i really do - i understand your position. i understand being torn .. i understand the manipulation. its going to take and some work.... and you will get it all taken care of. but don't you think your own happiness is worth taking a chance without him? as it stands now- THIS is your life... and you will NEVER get your self esteem back while you are with this man. Link to comment
FortunateOne Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Excellent advice. You really need to follow this advice. You are young and have a lot of life to live. Please go and live the wonderful life you deserve with a real man that will sherish and love you the way you deserve. Link to comment
NightLily Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 thanks for your advice, I just have a hard time telling my man my real feelings because I am afraid of letting him down and hurting him. He has gone through hell once in his life with his first marriage. I hope I can stop my feelings from showing with my therapist though because I will feel awkward. Hmm.. YOU deserve to be his woman. His everything. If feel you are just the aftermath woman there who is what he can get "now" then end it. It doesn't sound like you are happy with the age difference anymore either. After 13 years, his past is still an issue? Oi.. I feel for you. Also, as a side note.. if you think because of this delicate position you are in right now, you would be more likely to develop feelings for other men, you might consider a female therapist? Link to comment
Dinka Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I did open up to one of my friends and she said I should forget about my feelings for the therapist because my guy needs me too much. I am afraid of the incredible guilt I would feel if I hurt him. Also, I don't know if he would try to kill himself if I broke up, he gets terrible depression. So you should suffer and be trapped so that he doesn't suffer? Not all right. You are right, I am in a fog. He is not in counselling and he does dump everything on my lap. I have seen his violent temper quite a few times and he usually doesn't hurt me just throws and breaks things like a little kid. ...I thought you said that he breaks little kids! Sheesh! But, seriously, his temper should be a red flag that this is something you need to leave, and leave immediately. If you don't, you are putting yourself in danger. It doesn't matter that he "usually doesn't" hurt you...the fact is that he CAN cause you physical harm and he's willing to display that threat. OUT. Yes it is for weight and self-esteem. Doesn't matter what kind of therapist he is. If he is licensed, then he can at the very least refer you to a colleague. I would tell him that you would like to start seeing another therapist for the very reason that you feel your patient relationship with him is becoming too personal. That's all you need to say (I understand it can be difficult to say, "Hey, we can't see each other any more because I think I have feelings for you."). You hit it spot on!! I am tired of being the bad person in this relationship when all I do is suffer in silence. I just don't know how to proceed with all of this bull. He insisted I work part-time and now he supports me and I drive a car in HIS name not mine. I have absolutely nothing if I leave. The way you are describing things, it sounds like you don't have anything now. More importantly, you won't make progress towards anything until you leave. This is an abusive relationship and you need to get out immediately. Do whatever it takes to go! Remember that you are your own, independent person. You have every right in this world to be happy, healthy, and not trapped under the thumb of another. Anyone that tries to convince you differently - by any means, outright or subconciously - is NOT your friend. Link to comment
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