Email to ex - How do I bring out her consciense?

[rebelfac]

I have posted my story before. Wife left our 12 year marriage and moved my daughter in with her new boyfriend 10 months ago. She quickly played new family and the new guy has been taking her to school since the 3rd month. She is very happy with him as most would be in the honeymoon phase. I am drafting the following email Is it bad?

 

Julea,

 

I called maddy this weekend and we talked for 5 minutes. She was watching a movie and said she would call me yesterday. It never happened.2 of the last 3 times that I called previously she had to go to eat dinner and didn't call back. Seriously it's just about her now but I talk to her on the phone on average just 15 minutes a week. The pattern/direction this is going is not good. Do you really feel good about this? I mean I have feelings too. I always felt that Maddy needs to be with you but it seems i am getting tossed out. It also seems that the damage of talking bad about me either can't be erased or at the very least very little effort or concern is happening to erase her bad view of me. Ask yourself how you would feel. This has been by far the worst year of my life and it's really sad that I am losing her now too. Is this why people have to get lawyers. I trust you Julea. I mean you always said you don't like females because they will end up back stabbing you. How is this different? I mean with females logic is thrown out the window and history is rewritten to justify actions, relieve guilt and clear a conscience. Most guys don't do this and i never would. Sure it feels good to me too having a passionate kiss with someone new but i would never do this to someone I used to love and was my best friend for 14 years. I am not being mean but just want you to see that this will likely be something you will have regrets about if you still have a consciense. I still care about and want the best for you Julea but I hardly recognize the Julea I used to know. I have always been on your side and the feelings I showed when you were at the hospital were real.

[LazyDaisy]

I would not send this letter. I would get a lawyer and go to court to establish a regular visitation schedule. Why haven't you done this already?

[rebelfac]

Thanks for the response. We both agreed to avoid lawyers and handle this through legal zoom. She recently conveyed that she has been told by everyone how important it is for our daughter to have her father in her life. I believe that she feels this way but her actions aren't showing me that she is taking this serious enough. She admitted in our second to last correspondance that she did talk bad about me. She was " frustrated" . Like I don't have far more reasons to be. I said that I feel better that you admitted to this and reassured that you won't make the same mistake again. I still would rather not use lawyers. Who would if they can avoid it?

[pivotal]

I'm guessing your letter will get a glance before it is deleted. There is nothing of substance to get her attention. With someone new in the picture, mention of feelings or word of mouth agreements lack significance to her. Initially, I would talk in person and come to an agreement. If this agreement fails in practice, you might be forced to seek legal help to have a relationship with your daughter.

 

Also, in some states there is something referred to as a walking judgement. Where at the age of 12 and older, children have some leverage in the decision of where most of their time is spent. I would definitely get this under control before your daughter is further influenced by her mom. If you exert the effort, she will recognize in time that you care.

[jenny_mcs]

Do not send this letter. There is nothing even in it about your daughter! It consists of two things- you feeling sorry for yourself and you taking digs at your ex. People do not respond well to things like this.

 

If your true goal is to have more contact with your daughter, make your letter about that. Resist the urge to throw yourself a pity party or make snide remarks about your ex.

[LazyDaisy]

Ok, so you have avoided lawyers and now you only get to talk to your daughter for 15 minutes a week which is causing you to be upset. Instead of writing letters trying to convice her what is right why not just go to court and let a judge give her an order for what it right. You are wasting precious time that you could be spending with your daughter. That is what the family courts are there for, so people can't plays these games with custody.

[rebelfac]

Do not send this letter. There is nothing even in it about your daughter! It consists of two things- you feeling sorry for yourself and you taking digs at your ex. People do not respond well to things like this.

 

If your true goal is to have more contact with your daughter, make your letter about that. Resist the urge to throw yourself a pity party or make snide remarks about your ex.

 

You are all giving me necessary feedback. I appreciate it

[russ978]

We both agreed to avoid lawyers and handle this through legal zoom.

 

So a promise you made that isn't legally binding is more important to keep than your daughter? Umm....get your priorities straight.

 

Your wife is establishing a pattern that she is the primary caregiver while you wallow off in the distance spending no time with her. Ditch the promise, get a lawyer, and get a legally binding visitation schedule. If you let this continue long enough, it will certainly make sense once the law gets involved and the courts ask who she wants to live with when your daughter responds 'My mommy and new daddy.'

 

Get a lawyer, stop being naive, and understand that you gotta do what you gotta do to get your daughter. Stand up for yourself!

[karvala]

Do not send this letter. There is nothing even in it about your daughter! It consists of two things- you feeling sorry for yourself and you taking digs at your ex. People do not respond well to things like this.

 

If your true goal is to have more contact with your daughter, make your letter about that. Resist the urge to throw yourself a pity party or make snide remarks about your ex.

 

Yes, I had thoughts along these lines too when I read it. It starts out ostensibly being about contact with your daughter, but it ends really being about the fact that you still have feelings for your wife. You definitely need to separate these two; either write about your feelings for her only (which I certainly wouldn't recommend, btw), or only write about your daughter and the minimal contact level. No stuff about caring about her still, or passionate kisses, or back stabbing, or anything like that. Calm and dispassionate is the way to go. Write from the head, not the heart, if you really want the contact level to change voluntarily.

[agent1607307371]

How far away from them do you live?

[thejigsup]

THis sounds like female bashing and it won't go over good with either your ex or your daughter. She will be shown the letter, believe me. I know you are not being treated with respect, but please don't send a letter like this.

[rebelfac]

THis sounds like female bashing and it won't go over good with either your ex or your daughter. She will be shown the letter, believe me. I know you are not being treated with respect, but please don't send a letter like this.

 

You are right about the bad stereotype sentence in it. She actually feels this way so I thought i would point out the hypocracy but yes she will blow everything out of proportion and never admit wrong doing. ( with the unexpected exception of admitting she talked bad about me)

 

I am currently living 5 hours away with my best friend. I found a job here ( nothing long term) and had a challenging time there , where we relocated for just before she left. I am definitely naive when it comes to relationships and in disbelief how someone can turn on you like this. I did want to remain friends as did she but she has all of the power and it isn't a level situation. I now finally understand the importance of NC or in my case LC. I am on the fence about being nice or being strong. Indifference was the best way to go from the start and i thought my situation was the exception to the rule. I was wrong.

[agent1607307371]

Time to be strong. Fight for your daughter for gods sake.

 

You've moved 5 hours away (reason is unimportant) and your ex badmouths you in front of her. This is what she's picking up. She needs to know that you are there for her no matter what.