Ask a SHY guy

[Symbolic]

Hey! I got the idea for this from the dating forum posts called ask a man and woman. something like that. Anyways...I was shy my entire life. I've been coming out of it alot, but I think I have some experience. And I know there are a ton of shy guys on this site, and we know how eachother think. So if you have some questions for shy guys ask them here! Its a pain to have like 5 questions and you can only post like once a day so I figure I'd make this. =)

[lady00]

I'll bite If a woman shows romantic interest in you (flirting or asking you out on a date) will you ask her out or is it possible that you'd feel too shy to do it? I ask because this seems like an ongoing debate here on ENA (and out in the "real world") about whether or not a shy guy will be too shy to ask a woman out even if she has clearly shown an interest. Some say that the woman should pursue more if the guy is not asking her out. Others say that if the woman shows enough interest, then even a very shy guy will ask her out. What do you think?

[furious]

I'll bite If a woman shows romantic interest in you (flirting or asking you out on a date) will you ask her out or is it possible that you'd feel too shy to do it? I ask because this seems like an ongoing debate here on ENA (and out in the "real world") about whether or not a shy guy will be too shy to ask a woman out even if she has clearly shown an interest. Some say that the woman should pursue more if the guy is not asking her out. Others say that if the woman shows enough interest, then even a very shy guy will ask her out. What do you think?

 

The thing holding back most shyer guys is crossing the boundary into flirting. That includes meeting girls, and having the guts to flirt and talk to them enough to gauge their interest. But, once interest is gauged and the girl shows obvious signs of interest, the guy seems like he would have to be super shy not to at least ask for your number.

 

I consider myself shy so that is an estimation based off of my own behavior.

[Symbolic]

I'll bite If a woman shows romantic interest in you (flirting or asking you out on a date) will you ask her out or is it possible that you'd feel too shy to do it? I ask because this seems like an ongoing debate here on ENA (and out in the "real world") about whether or not a shy guy will be too shy to ask a woman out even if she has clearly shown an interest. Some say that the woman should pursue more if the guy is not asking her out. Others say that if the woman shows enough interest, then even a very shy guy will ask her out. What do you think?

 

If you show enough interest, and YOU ask HIM out on a date, then I would certainly think he could ask you out on another date. I know I have been in situations where I was so shy no matter how much interest she shows, it wasent enough. One girl, she just sat me down and kissed me and from there I was like "okay! Now I really know! How could I be sooo stupid!?!?" A shy guy usually doesn't have alot of confidence, and every stupid little thing can make him think "well maybe she doesn't like me" or "maybe I'm moving too fast?!!?" And they don't know how to communicate. I know I didn't. Stupid things you wouldn't ever think of will mess with his head. If you really like a shy guy I think you need to push him to the next level. I know its hard, women dont like that, they want the man to do it. But trust me once you get it going I'm sure he will become comfortable with you and he will be just like any other guy would be. Usually its the beginning stages of a relationship that is really hard for us.

 

So I think its possible for a guy to be THAT shy. But I mean, if you ask a guy out and he doesn't respond, but he seems like a pimp playa guy, hes probably not shy and just doesn't like you lol.

[Jpo]

I consider myself shy. Not quite as much anymore, but in highschool I was extremely shy. I know I have a lot of trouble reading women's interest signals, so even when you think you are being extremely forward, I'm not 100% sure. So I would definitely say there would be a case where a "shy guy will be too shy to ask a woman out even if she has 'clearly' shown an interest."

 

I usually make excuses why 'interest' signals are actually something else. You try to talk to me a lot, I assume you are just being nice. You touch me a lot, I just assume you are a touchy-feely person. You stare at me a lot, I assume there is something wrong/something on my face, etc.

[AnonymousJohn]

I too have always been a shy guy, and still am. I have tried to change it, but it's not an easy thing to accomplish. How did you begin overcoming your shyness? Any advice you can give me to do the same?

[Jpo]

I too have always been a shy guy, and still am. I have tried to change it, but it's not an easy thing to accomplish. How did you begin overcoming your shyness? Any advice you can give me to do the same?

 

If you are talking to me, there are a couple things you can do. Although, I'm definitely still shy I think, only less so than before.

 

One easy thing you can do is go to parties/places that have alcohol (with good friends at your side). It is hard not to interact with people at these things and alcohol (while it doesn't necessarily make you outgoing) can help curb a lot of shyness issues. Of course, it is for a limited time only, but I think the benefit is that it gets you used to the idea of talking/approaching people. I attribute this to part my journey to helping me overcome my shyness.

 

Also. Try to put yourself in a different mindset. When you are going to talk to someone, don't do it with the mindset of: I want them to like me, I want to be their friend, I want to ask her out, etc. Just approach them with no motivation beyond talking to them for those couple minutes.

 

Go with the mindset of bettering yourself. If you are in school, try just saying 'hey' to someone in your class, maybe asking them a few questions about the class and that is it. Don't try to do anything else, don't expect anything else. You are just trying to better yourself, being a more friendly person, if they want to be your friend great, if not, that's fine too.

 

(This is easier said then done, but I found that it can help if you constantly attempt to view things like that -- albeit slowly.)

 

Finally, the 3 second rule. You see someone, or perhaps a girl who find attractive and want to talk to them. Do it before 3 seconds pass from that thought. After 3 seconds pass, you are likely to start over-thinking, become unnatural/awkward, or chicken out. Seriously, if you do it within 3 seconds you will find it much easier to have a natural conversation - crazy, but true.

 

Hope that helps.

[AnonymousJohn]

Thanks for the advice JPO, the alcohol thing works, but not really a permanent solution. Will have to try the other suggestions though, seems like pretty sound advice.

[Circe]

Why don't you like talking to strangers?

 

Not to ask them out. Just for normal things. Like buying furniture. Or telling a waiter that you lost your keys and wondered if you had left them at the restaurant? Or just.. anything.

 

What goes through your head when you speak to a stranger?

[AnonymousJohn]

Why don't you like talking to strangers?

 

Not to ask them out. Just for normal things. Like buying furniture. Or telling a waiter that you lost your keys and wondered if you had left them at the restaurant? Or just.. anything.

 

What goes through your head when you speak to a stranger?

 

Me? It's almost like a mental defect... The moment I begin speaking to people rediculous thoughts begin running through my head. I begin over analyzing everything said, by me and them. Start thinking, that somehow, I am going to offend this person, or make them think poorly of me. Everthing becomes a sign that they do not like me, or that they are not liking talking to me, and wishing I would just stop. So, I do. I know there is no validity to these thoughts, but can never convince myself of that until I have ended the conversation.

[xxNPxx]

I consider myself shy. Not quite as much anymore, but in highschool I was extremely shy. I know I have a lot of trouble reading women's interest signals, so even when you think you are being extremely forward, I'm not 100% sure. So I would definitely say there would be a case where a "shy guy will be too shy to ask a woman out even if she has 'clearly' shown an interest."

 

I usually make excuses why 'interest' signals are actually something else. You try to talk to me a lot, I assume you are just being nice. You touch me a lot, I just assume you are a touchy-feely person. You stare at me a lot, I assume there is something wrong/something on my face, etc.

 

I still have that same problem. The idea of somebody talking to me for anything other then help or some sort of information (Ex: What's the use in learning algebra?). The idea of somebody speaking to me for anything other then those two types of questions is very foreign to me because nobody has asked anything else. I once had a girl ask me, "Who are you?" My reply was "Who am I?" and I thought to myself: "That's a good philosophical question, and I probably should answer it, but that's an odd question to ask a complete stranger!"

 

She replied, "Yeah, you know, who are you?"

 

I replied quite sincerely, "What do you mean?"

 

She said, "Your name, what's your name?"

 

I answered, "****** why?"

 

"Just wondering," she said, before sitting down. We were on the school bus, and she was probably interested in me. Oddly enough I'd say the awkwardness killed the chance I had with a girl that I didn't even know liked me in the first place.

[DaBladeRoden]

i have the opposite problem of thinking of non-interest signals as more than what they really were

[dr_styles]

I consider myself shy (I definitely used to be a lot) because I don't often start conversations with people - I definitely don't go talking to girls randomly just like that if they don't smile or look at me. Even when greeting people in the morning I'll look their way but if they don't even look up I think twice and it becomes 50/50 if I say it anyway or not.

 

Whether you call that shyness or not is up to you I guess.

 

i have the opposite problem of thinking of non-interest signals as more than what they really were

 

I don't think that's shyness, just a lack of, umm "exposure" (imo). haha I don't mean the person is a complete hermit because I certainly aren't, but it's rare for girls to seemingly even want to talk for me, so kinda like "by definition" that makes it a rare, non-normal thing to happen. So if/when it does happen I will think "hmmm, what's going on".

 

If you show enough interest, and YOU ask HIM out on a date, then I would certainly think he could ask you out on another date.

 

Continuing the above point, I'm also very aware of how normal it is (or should be) for people to talk to each other. No one wants to be that stereotypical nerd going "OMG a girl is actually talking to me! She must love me!". People don't exact seem to fancy me so going off the "what's going on thing" the predominant thought will usually always be that she's just being friendly or passing time, must have a boyfriend already, etc. until something concrete like the girl asking them out happens.

[orchidrose]

Okay, shy guys:

 

The guy I've been seeing for about a month is very shy - at least around women. I've hung out with him several times with his friends, as well as with the mutual friend who set us up, and he's at least more willing to pipe up and join conversations. In fact, he's not really shy at all in situations with people he's comfortable with. Unfortunately, he and I are not quite to that point yet and I find that I struggle with getting any sort of conversation out of him. When we're together in situations that don't involve a lot of talking (i.e. laying in bed together, watching a movie) I can feel the chemistry crackle between us, so I know something's there. But I can't pull any words out of him. When I ask him questions, I get short answers, and no follow-up about me or carrying on the conversation.

 

So, what do you think? Any ideas?

 

And FYI, I asked him out on our first date. We had met a few times with the mutual friend trying to set us up, and he didn't show a ton of interest. She finally told me to ask him out because he was so shy, and he was totally into it! I thought for sure he didn't like me, but he just finds it tough to show it.

[Circe]

Me? It's almost like a mental defect... The moment I begin speaking to people rediculous thoughts begin running through my head. I begin over analyzing everything said, by me and them. Start thinking, that somehow, I am going to offend this person, or make them think poorly of me. Everthing becomes a sign that they do not like me, or that they are not liking talking to me, and wishing I would just stop. So, I do. I know there is no validity to these thoughts, but can never convince myself of that until I have ended the conversation.

 

I see..

 

thanks

[greywolf]

Non-bitter shy guys are the best!! XD

/interruption

 

ok, carry on...

[Circe]

Non-bitter shy guys are the best!! XD

/interruption

 

ok, carry on...

 

totally agree!

[Virgil]

I think you have the right sort of approach – just keep chipping away at it. I know it is frustrating, and he is lucky to have you if you stick with him. He sounds pretty similar to me, as I am also quite capable of leaping into (and even dominating) conversations when I know what I am doing and feel confident about it.

 

If he is like me, he is probably used to relying on attributes other than his looks or gregariousness (or lack thereof) to win people over. So with someone he is interested in (i.e. you) he has this subconscious idea that you must like him for his brains or personality. As a result (and this is a bit of a paradox), he is extra-careful not to ‘ruin’ your opinion of him by making ‘mistakes’ in conversation.

 

I only suggest this because I am the same. If I say so myself, I can carry an extremely eloquent conversation under most circumstances. However put me with someone whom I have an interest in, and the river dries up. I guess that the old grey matter feels a bit overwhelmed by the hormones and, recognising this, shuts everything down to a minimum to try and avoid doing or saying something stupid.

 

The irony of this is that it makes me look cold and uninviting – exactly the opposite of the impression I am trying to get accross! It’s actually pretty funny when you look at it in hindsight, but can get very frustrating when you just want to impress someone.

 

It is a long road unfortunately, but if you stick with it you will eventually convince him that you like him for who he is (and trust me, then he will really open up).

[Symbolic]

This thread is totally going to help all my shy-guy bretheren out in the world, by helping you ladies crack thier eggs hehe. Wewt!

[Symbolic]

I agree with this one hundred percent. Us shy guys are hard to crack. Once he is really comfortable with you everything will change, and it will be more like how he is with his friends with you. I don't know how long it will take I guess it varies.

[dr_styles]

Yup it's the fear of doing something wrong, or "god forbid" looking too interested.

[marco76uk]

Totally agree on that, Virgil. Like anyone, I do want people to find me good-looking and fun, but like you and others here I want the real deal-maker to be my personality, creativity and humour. Unfortunately it's a lot harder to produce those when the hormones are flowing, and almost impossible when the other person (who may, of course, have exactly the same problem) isn't giving you anything to work with. And you easily then come accross as cold and uninterested, which is the opposite of what you're trying to achieve.

 

People tell me my sense of humour is a great strength, but I can't just be funny out of nothing. By the time that opportunity comes up, the damage may already have been done.

[givinggirl]

Thanks for the advice JPO, the alcohol thing works, but not really a permanent solution. Will have to try the other suggestions though, seems like pretty sound advice.

 

How is a girl supposed to respond when a shy guy acts interested and flirts with her while drinking, but pretends not to be when sober?

[Jake]

I'll bite If a woman shows romantic interest in you (flirting or asking you out on a date) will you ask her out or is it possible that you'd feel too shy to do it? I ask because this seems like an ongoing debate here on ENA (and out in the "real world") about whether or not a shy guy will be too shy to ask a woman out even if she has clearly shown an interest. Some say that the woman should pursue more if the guy is not asking her out. Others say that if the woman shows enough interest, then even a very shy guy will ask her out. What do you think?

 

 

 

 

I wouldn't ask her out to be honest, only way I'd ask her out is if I'm comfortable around her but I can't be "comfortable" around a lady I really really like.

 

Lets say I don't know her well (say we're college classmates or something) and I like her and by an unimaginable consequence she asks me out... First off if this "did happen" we're just acquaintances, therefore I don't know her well, therefore I'm not comfortable around her and thus I get shy and nervous. So everybody don't kill me but truthfully I'd probably bail on her...even though I liked her....

 

 

Now lets say I've known her for awhile (say we're part of a big group of friends) then I WOULD be comfortable around her, but then if she asks me out I'd think we're just hanging out like any other time and she just see's me as a friend...

 

Overall I'm trying to work on my shyness/shell because I'm basically none approachable from all angles and sides... I move too slow in these kind if situations (like really realllllly slow) and the person often moves on before I've even started Lol!

[perplunk]

How is a girl supposed to respond when a shy guy acts interested and flirts with her while drinking, but pretends not to be when sober?

 

Increase the booze budget?

 

Sorry that's the best advice I have... Maybe just ask him outright?