mouton Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I don't get it. We've been together for 2 1/2 months and she's the most non-affectionate girl on the planet. She never initiates anything, I have to. When I do, I get one kiss and she immediately pushes me away. Weird thing is, she was like this with her ex too. I knew her when she was dating him. No affection and our sex life is non-existent. We haven't had sex in over a week. I just asked her and again she said no. She's never in the mood, she said she's never horny; I don't know how to turn her on, she said she doesn't know how to get turned on, and I don't know what to do. She just told me to go relieve myself in the bathroom. What in the world is wrong with her? Is her libido just non-existent? I'm 29, she's 20. At 20 you'd think she would want it all the time. Other than this, everything is awesome in the relationship, but I'm so sexually frustrated that I want to scream! I need affection and I've told her that, but I guess she just doesn't care. Now I see why none of her relationships work out. This is a major relationship conflict and we're beginning to argue about it a lot. Any advice here other than "get a new girlfriend" would be great. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 86 the ice princess and find someone more on your wavelength. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear it, but not every person is a puzzle to be solved. If she doesn't want to ride the vein train, there's not a lot you can do about it except find someone who will. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 You can't change other people. Either learn to tolerate it or, sadly, 'get a new girlfriend'. For some people, not making love for a week would not be a big deal; are you sure your sex life is non-existent, or is it just that you have a stronger libido than she does? Just because she's 20, it doesn't mean she's going to want it all the time!!!! You need to decide for yourself whether the rest of the relationship is strong enough to cope with this area of incompatibility, and then make your decision accordingly. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 You can't change other people. Either learn to tolerate it or, sadly, 'get a new girlfriend'. For some people, not making love for a week would not be a big deal; are you sure your sex life is non-existent, or is it just that you have a stronger libido than she does? Just because she's 20, it doesn't mean she's going to want it all the time!!!! You need to decide for yourself whether the rest of the relationship is strong enough to cope with this area of incompatibility, and then make your decision accordingly. This goes beyond sex though. She's basically not affectionate or intimate in any way. A basket of mushrooms sounds more affectionate than his girlfriend. That's a fundamental personality trait, and it will (and does now) color so many things she does, or won't do. Link to comment
problematic1 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I'm 20, I understand both your point and hers. I dont like to have sex all the time. Honestly, once a week is enough for me. Not every girl in the world is alike. So there is not necessarily anything wrong with your girlfriend. Some people just dont like sex as much as others. I understand your point too, because well... when i AM aroused, i dont want to be shut down. I guess the best thing for you to do is pleasure yourself. I know it isnt the same as sex, but it looks like it is your only option until your girlfriend gets aroused. The worst thing you could do, however.. is cheat. If you need sex that bad.. break up with her before you get some from someone else. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 It only lessens in the long term so if you're unhappy with it now, just wait in 5 years once the ring's on her finger. Link to comment
mouton Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 This goes beyond sex though. She's basically not affectionate or intimate in any way. A basket of mushrooms sounds more affectionate than his girlfriend. That's a fundamental personality trait, and it will (and does now) color so many things she does, or won't do. You're right...it's way beyond sex. She doesn't even hold my hand. She's not resentful though and she cares about me, I know this for a fact. She does a lot for me, but affection just isn't there. Link to comment
nina2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Sexual behavior is encoded in us in order to procreate. The Earth is overpopulated an naturally evolution is taking care of it, for instance by removing sexual drive from young people. This is just my theory, because I hear these stories more an more often. I seriously don't think anything could be done about her sexual drive. There is a huge possibility of negotiating with her about you having a sexual outlet with another girl, but staying in love relationship with this one. Otherwise the only way is to leave her. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 You're right...it's way beyond sex. She doesn't even hold my hand. She's not resentful though and she cares about me, I know this for a fact. She does a lot for me, but affection just isn't there. We call those people "friends". Link to comment
DN Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 The bottom line is that you are on totally different pages regarding sex - maybe not even in the same book. It won't get better. Link to comment
mouton Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 We call those people "friends". I see what everyone is saying here. I'm prob going to ditch her very soon. It sucks though b/c she's so incredibly gorgeous and would go to the ends of the Earth for me...except in sex and affection. ](*,) Link to comment
Iakasot Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Try hanging out with other girls and just talking. If you get more affection from conversations with them than you do in your whole relationship with her, then it might open your eyes. I would only condone cheating as revenge. By the way, have you ever rejected her, or has she not initiated EVEN ONCE. Does she call you first, does she text you first, does she come over by herself? Try not calling for a few weeks, see what happens. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I see what everyone is saying here. I'm prob going to ditch her very soon. It sucks though b/c she's so incredibly gorgeous and would go to the ends of the Earth for me...except in sex and affection. ](*,) See, she's not going to the ends of the earth for you like a partner would. She's willing to go to the ends of the earth for you as a friend, and those are both awesome, but wildly different things. Link to comment
problematic1 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 We call those people "friends". This is a great point. Maybe this girl would make a great friend to you.. better than a girlfriend. Just think- would you be able to continue in this relationship for an extended period of time? if not, the easiest thing to do would be to get out now rather than later. Link to comment
mouton Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Try hanging out with other girls and just talking. If you get more affection from conversations with them than you do in your whole relationship with her, then it might open your eyes. I would only condone cheating as revenge. By the way, have you ever rejected her, or has she not initiated EVEN ONCE. Does she call you first, does she text you first, does she come over by herself? Try not calling for a few weeks, see what happens. I've never rejected her b/c she's never initiated, not even once. She does call me first and text me. She comes over by herself...she acts like a girlfriend in every sense, except affection Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I've never rejected her b/c she's never initiated, not even once. She does call me first and text me. She comes over by herself...she acts like a girlfriend in every sense, except affection I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't affectionate. I mean, relationships are supposed to be enjoyable, right? I can get my fill of icy and frigid people at the DMV and Post Office. Link to comment
Iakasot Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I've never rejected her b/c she's never initiated, not even once. She does call me first and text me. She comes over by herself...she acts like a girlfriend in every sense, except affection Try not talking to her. If she doesn't like that, tell her that you're not obligated to talk to her when you're not in the mood to do it. You really aren't! Talking isn't that different from sex. Girls use it to fulfill their need for intimacy the same way guys use sex. Cut her off and only do it when you're "in the mood". Link to comment
Imprecision Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I've never rejected her b/c she's never initiated, not even once. She does call me first and text me. She comes over by herself...she acts like a girlfriend in every sense, except affection I don't get it. What are the ways in which she does act like a girlfriend? Btw, even though all the other commentators are egging you on to ditch her or to stop speaking with her - please don't do this rashly. If she likes you as much as you claim, then that's something you should treasure. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Try not talking to her. If she doesn't like that, tell her that you're not obligated to talk to her when you're not in the mood to do it. You really aren't! Talking isn't that different from sex. Girls use it to fulfill their need for intimacy the same way guys use sex. Cut her off and only do it when you're "in the mood". IMHO, this will not end well. You can't use emotional terrorism to blackmail your partner into giving you something they clearly do not want to give you. It's not about retribution or vengeance. If it gets to that point, you shouldn't be in the relationship at all. Link to comment
mouton Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 IMHO, this will not end well. You can't use emotional terrorism to blackmail your partner into giving you something they clearly do not want to give you. It's not about retribution or vengeance. If it gets to that point, you shouldn't be in the relationship at all. i agree, this will get my ass out on the street with nowhere to go. heh Link to comment
Iakasot Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 IMHO, this will not end well. You can't use emotional terrorism to blackmail your partner into giving you something they clearly do not want to give you. It's not about retribution or vengeance. If it gets to that point, you shouldn't be in the relationship at all. That's not the point at all. He already accepted that he's not gonna get sex. The point of it would be to make the relationship equal. Why keep giving her more than she gives him? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 That's not the point at all. He already accepted that he's not gonna get sex. The point of it would be to make the relationship equal. Why keep giving her more than she gives him? I think the real question is "Why is he still with her?" Link to comment
Iakasot Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I think the real question is "Why is he still with her?" Same reason why people stay in abusive relationships: attraction. Let's face it, the only reason she's with him is because no man has been able to trigger her chemistry, so he doesn't stand out as one that attracted her to him. I just don't think it's fair that her needs are fulfilled while his aren't. The point of relationships is equality, and I think it's his obligation as a man to make things equal. If she offers sex, reject it, because she doesn't mean it and is only doing it to try and manipulate you into talking with her. Link to comment
mouton Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 I think the real question is "Why is he still with her?" Well, i do love the girl. She's supported me a heck of a lot through the time I've been unemployed. She's taken care of me, I've taken care of her. She knows what to say when I'm down in the dumps and she keeps me motivated. She's been good to me and i to her. Link to comment
Imprecision Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Well, i do love the girl. She's supported me a heck of a lot through the time I've been unemployed. She's taken care of me, I've taken care of her. She knows what to say when I'm down in the dumps and she keeps me motivated. She's been good to me and i to her. Then you should keep her. What are the ways in which you've tried to get her to be more affectionate? Link to comment
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