Is he the one? Or should I run?!

[Lookin4Answers]

Hello everyone!

I am new here, and I signed up recently because I need some advice on my current relationship. The abridged version goes as follows, and if you need more details then please just respond and ask…

 

I am in a relationships with a really nice guy (I’m gay, for clarification) and we met sometime early last March. Our first coffee date was 5 hours long, and there was exciting and fun communication. We both agreed that we wanted to keep seeing each other. He’s smart, interested in the same studies as I am, and has similar morals and values.

 

We got closer over time, and saw each other once or twice a week. We had some deep conversations about monogamy, our experiences in therapy, and also about me leaving for the summer, because I was travelling. We agreed we were both optimistic about the situation, and the connection felt very strong. About 1.5 months in we made it “official” that we were exclusive boyfriends.

 

So I left for the summer, and in my first destination we spoke via email and on the phone several times. The emails were lengthy and heartfelt on both of our ends. I came home for a week and he seemed really excited to see me and catch up, and then I left again for another country. This time he emailed much less frequently (I did less frequently as well, I was really busy working in said country) and they were not as lengthy or romantic.

 

Now I am back for good, and he has moved about an hour away (which we knew would happen all along) for graduate school. We talk still, and text, but not as much as I would hope for, and he is busy the next few weekends, so we can’t see each other.

 

My concerns: Sometimes I am over the moon and I’m really happy with him, especially when he does open up and show his romantic side and talk a lot, but there are other times where I feel like I am not being provided for. I can’t tell if I expect too much, or if he isn’t providing enough. I just get this “gut feeling” that says, “get out early so no one gets too hurt,” however I also have some anxiety issues, which can give the same “gut feelings,” even though they are false. Other times these “gut feelings” seem ridiculous to me when I look back on them.

 

Other concerns about him: I text him and he doesn’t always respond, even if I ask a question. Most times when I call he doesn’t pick up, and he doesn’t always call me back. He never has any activity on facebook. He openly admits to being introverted and liking quiet time, but agrees that we need a balance. Sex is good, but I want to explore more and don’t know how to ask him this. I just really don’t always feel comfortable opening up to him, and when I do bring up topics, his answers are short, and don’t really make me feel clarified. He also is coming into town this weekend, he told me, to go to a football game with some friends, and as little time as we get together I thought he would consider asking me first to hang out.

 

Concerns about me: Am I expecting too much? Should we only be talking once or twice a week at this early stage? Is that normal? Should I tell him directly I want to talk more, or should I try and put a positive spin on it? Will I tax the relationship if I bring up my concerns directly? I just don’t want to become a nag. The thing is I really like hearing all aspects of my partner’s life, and I feel like I don’t really know him that well yet, because he doesn’t open up about the day to day grind.

 

I’m obviously overwhelmed, and I think I need to talk to him about all of this, but bad past relationship experiences I think are causing me to bottle up…

If this were the ideal situation, we would be talking almost every day, and having sex almost every time we see each other, along with doing other fun and unique things when we can make time to visit. That’s my perspective.

Thanks for the help!

[jul-els]

It sounds like the physical distance is causing emotional distance between the two of you. It also sounds possible that he is losing interest. You should talk with him about how you're feeling and where things are heading. It may be time to move on.

[catfeeder]

He's establishing clearly that he's not a slave to phone or text, and he's challenged by a whole new course load and establishing a new comfort level in a new environment. I'd invest in some private challenges of my own and leave him to synch up with you over time. Otherwise, you're only going to read the imbalance of focus on the relationship in destructive ways when that's unnecessary given new circumstances on top of the newness of the relationship.

 

I'd decide whether you care about the man enough to be in this for the long haul, and if so, let a more relaxed pace develop. If you're more invested in your own 'now' than he can satisfy, then you can let him know that you understand his new focus and hope he'll think of you in the future, but for now you need to explore new options.

 

In your corner.

[Lookin4Answers]

So is this something that I mention to him? I do understand the newness of his whole life right now, with moving to grad school and all. Plus it has not been that long. He only moved in a week ago (I helped him move in, and back then I was feeling great about it because he was so excited.)

 

Do I give it a few weeks, or perhaps months, and just "roll with it?" If I am still feeling bad then leave?

 

I mean, part of me think I need to explain myself, this way he at least knows that I am looking for a little more. But at the same time, telling someone that can make them NOT want to call you just because you are asking for it. I guess I'm stuck on how to word everything.

 

Thanks for the advice.

-Lookin4Answers

[catfeeder]

You haven't even given 'roll with it' a fair chance. You're watching him this intensely and it's only been a week? Geez. Lighten up.

 

If you start some big discussion about this it will come off like navel-gazing gone wrong. Invest in other things to focus on--this isn't healthy.

 

Fingers crossed for you.

[stevew]

Dear Lookin

This is what I think...............he may be scared, he may not be a slave to texts, he may really like you..........BUT............I know as much as it is wonderful to be hopeful and the wonderful times are great, I really think that if he was that into the relationship, he would answer your texts and when he was in town, put you and the together time first. I've been through this, and it sucks. It may not apply to your situation, I realize. But when a man wants to be with you, he doesn't throw you just scraps of his time and attention, he is there because he wants to be and doesn't want you to get away. I would ponder this over the next few days..................I would consider telling him that you are really into him, want it to work, and if he doesn't feel the same, then you can't settle for anything less than that because it is hurting you. I feel for you. Maybe he just needs a gentle shove and a reality check that he's important to you. If not, you are way too wonderful and adjusted to settle for anything less that somebody who wants the same things that you do out of a relationship. Don't settle. You are way too fierce a catch for that.

 

Hope you tell us how things progress, I'll pray for a good outcome for you, and for the strength to accept whatever that is..............

 

Steve

[Lookin4Answers]

catfeeder, I have to thank you for the perspective. I think you are right, and I really have not given it much time at all. I mean, he waited for me for nine weeks, off and on, while I was travelling all summer. In his eyes he may think nothing is wrong at all.

 

And Steve, I also understand where you are coming from. I mean, if he really wants to be with me, he should be investing some.

 

Here's my confusion then. Do I wait until he calls back and just sort of "disappear" and focus on myself, or do I do the "giving thing," and explain how I am feeling, so at least I can say he knows? If I do open up, I want to do it in a "light" way, so it's not anal, over the top, or annoying. Advice?

 

Thanks and I will keep you all posted.

[Lookin4Answers]

catfeeder, I have to thank you for the perspective. I think you are right, and I really have not given it much time at all. I mean, he waited for me for nine weeks, off and on, while I was travelling all summer. In his eyes he may think nothing is wrong at all.

 

And Steve, I also understand where you are coming from. I mean, if he really wants to be with me, he should be investing some.

 

Here's my confusion then. Do I wait until he calls back and just sort of "disappear" and focus on myself, or do I do the "giving thing," and explain how I am feeling, so at least I can say he knows? If I do open up, I want to do it in a "light" way, so it's not anal, over the top, or annoying. Advice?

 

Thanks and I will keep you all posted.

[nina2009]

Looking4answers, I agree that physical distance does cause emotional distance. For me personally it is a touchy period to get re-united after separation even for 10 days an you are talking about the whole summer. Besides if I heard it correctly both of you were involved in a therapy before which means you both have a complicated emotional world at least.

 

The fact that he is starting anew in a graduate school is a factor but I wouldn't see it as a necessary factor that should break a connection between two people. What breaks the connection usually is lack of trust and not a busy lifestyle.

 

Before I would make my decision to articulate my concerns I would make sure that I gave it a fair chance. Basically what I am proposing is to take initiative: invite him for the events. Think of something wonderful to do and offer it to him. Make it clear that you want to share it with him and not inviting him along because occasionally you had a free ticket or pass. You left for a summer, it might have inspired in him in a long run some fears and he decided to take it with caution and distanced himself from you in order not to get hurt. When you came back you seem to expect from him an explosion of joy and a big fat welcome but it is not so. Imagine that might be he is waiting for you to pull him back into relationship, show to him that you are truly back. I would definitely give it a try.

 

May be he is the one who needs reassurance.

[Lookin4Answers]

Wow Nina that is some great insight and perhaps you are right. It's such a difficult thing because one second I feel so guilty like I am not pulling my weight and actively looking to rope him in, and then the other second I feel needy like I want him to be here to call me and satisfy my needs.

Wouldn't it just be easier if he said to me, "HEY, you were gone all summer and I need to be with you some more!” I would like that clarity and forwardness a lot.

In the past, in between my two travelling adventures, I surprised him with a picnic of his favorite foods, at a local gardens that was very nice. It was a great time, and I also asked him on the phone just recently if he is free to hang out. Our last conversation is when I told him I wanted to see him, and he pretty much told me he was busy for the next few weekends. He has a wedding to go to. I'm really feeling overwhelmed and confused. It's to the point where I don't even want to call because I'm fearful of the awkward silences that might come up.I guess I need to give it some time, and perhaps plan something nice and fun to do together. If I still feel like this in a week or so I might just bring it up?

Do I come accross dramatic? I hope not. I really want this to work out between us because he does seem genuine, but I won’t stay in it if I know it’s not going to end up feeling “right.”

[nina2009]

Looking4answers, i would give it a try. Distance did break something obviously, but it is not uncommon. If there was a true connection, it will be re-established again.

 

Yes, I would plan something and invite him and tell him then that it feels good to see him and take it from there. I would tell him what you want to hear from him myself. "Hey, I missed you a lot and I am looking forward for the time when you will be free to see me."

 

You can visit him during the week? Where does he live? Do you think you know what you can bring to him for his new room (painting, picture, clock, lamp, anything special that you remember would be reminding him of the special times you shared before your trip)?

 

No you do not sound as Full-of-drama. You are absolutely healthy who delivers a simple message "hey, i missed you, sorry I was away for a long time, I am back, I want to be with you".

[Loopii]

nina is right, go with what she says

[Lookin4Answers]

Hey everyone,

So last night while I was out with some friends, I get a text from a fraternity brother that says, "I'm at party, and your BF is here (in town), just thought you should know."

 

I of course, get upset... How could he come into town and not tell me?

 

So I proceed to let it go, and try my best to have a fun night.

 

Long story short he calls me later and says, "Hey! I'm in town. Was at a party and saw your friend "F." How are you." Needless to say I felt silly for getting so worked up.

 

We caught up on the phone, and he sounded fine. No worries whatsoever in his voice. We made plans to go to breakfast today.

 

Cut to this morning, and breakfast went really well. We both got caught up on everything in each others lives, and discussed hanging out again soon at some point. It felt really "right" as it always does when we are physically in each others presence, and I calmed down a lot. I mentioned none of my crazy emotions over the last week.

 

I figure if things continue to be slow on the cellphone while he is away, I may just say directly, "I really like hearing your voice when we can't get together in person. Do you think we could talk more on the phone?." But I'm gonna wait until a week or so passes with the same behavior.

 

Thanks for your advice folks! And I may be back if I get to "Anxious Anny" state again... hahaha. Much better to hash things out here then with your partner if your concerned about it being inside your own head.

[sarahxo]

Ok take a deeeep breath I have to tell you that your "Gut" shouldn't be ignored.. I believe it tells us things our hearts or heads don't want to hear. If there are this many issues and lack of fulfillment this early in the relationship then maybe you should either have a good long chat about your future together OR remain friends and thats it?

If you are having doubts already, look within yourself and find out what the gut is saying.

Good Luck

[Lookin4Answers]

Well I was feeling really OK about it, but now you are making me question my gut

 

I don't know, while I do believe the gut is s useful tool, I know that as a person who suffers from anxiety it can feel like your gut is at work, but it's really just your body wanting to run from the present, since it's in an anxious state, and you feel in danger.

 

I don't really have much to lose with this guy right now. He is nice when we are together, and I haven't given him enough time apart to see the difference. Like previous posters have said, it's only been one week.

 

I am certainly not too invested either. We have not said I love you, and if he broke up with me tomorrow I would not be devastated, just sad. What I can't shake, is how good we might be together if I just give it some time to grow.

 

Like I said, if the cell phone issues keep arising, I will tell him straight out, "I like talking to you, and I feel connected when we talk. Please make an effort to call more, and respond more, I want this to work out between us." If he can't deal with that, THEN I have some concrete ground to make decisions. But first I owe him some time to get settled into grad school (since he gave me time to travel for 9 months this past summer.)

 

Does anyone have my back? Hahahaha

 

Thanks for all your advice.

[stevew]

Lookin,

You have received some great advice. Here's what I agree with.............yes, he deserves a chance to get settled. Yes, it is great he called you after the party. Here's what I don't agree with...............no, he should have REALLY called you before the party, to tell you he was going, that he missed you , and he would call you later. No, it's not a good thing that you get a gut ache over some stuff. Sometimes doubt means the same as don't. Sometimes it's just a worry thing, I suffer from it too. I would definitely tell him that it's nice to hear from him often, and that you look forward to it. How he processes that information, well now the ball will be in his court. If he just needs this nudge of knowledge so he knows you really like him, then he will call more often. If he doesn't take this hint, I think that you should date him casually if you want to, but if somebody else that's fabulous that is really into investing time with you comes along, then do what's best for you and go in that direction. I don't think it's healthy for you to have anxiety over this.........................a relationship takes two, and I think you're investing more time and energy and emotion than he is. Remember how great you are, and don't settle for anything less.

[Lookin4Answers]

Yeah, I have pretty much decided that I owe him one chance of hearing me explaining himself. I am going to approach it lightly. I will tell him that I have a concern, and that it might seem silly but it's been on my mind for some time (because it honestly has since summer). Then I will just express how I feel...

 

"I feel anxious, and worried when I don't hear from you in a few days, or when I have to do most of the initial calling or texting. I'm not saying this to be overbearing, but I like you a lot and hearing from you makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected." Then he can respond, and that is what is really going to help me decide how committed he is, even more so is his behavior there after.

 

In the meantime, I am going to get on with stuff. If I don't hear from him in a few days, then I might call, and try to set up a get together time to tell him this stuff, and hopefully resolve it and have fun. Otherwise I'm out Sad but necessary.

 

Do you guys think what I am going to say sounds good? Improvements?

[Loopii]

it saouns ok, just make sure you add, now, dont get mad

[Lookin4Answers]

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think I am going to say, "Don't get mad." Because honestly I don't want to tell him how to react. If he gets mad that is a sign for me to deal with. Knowing his character I don't think he will get mad.

 

I am still honestly very nervous. Is the communication that I am about to have with him in a week or so, when we do see each other, healthy? I just don't want to come accross as a psychopath, or needy. Do I seem that way?

 

Thanks!

[Loopii]

no, i think you want a better relasitonship to me

[catfeeder]

[....] "I feel anxious, and worried when I don't hear from you in a few days, or when I have to do most of the initial calling or texting. I'm not saying this to be overbearing, but I like you a lot and hearing from you makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected." Then he can respond, and that is what is really going to help me decide how committed he is, even more so is his behavior there after.[...]

 

Do you guys think what I am going to say sounds good? Improvements?

 

I wouldn't make this about being anxious and worried, because that's a form of emotional blackmail, which basically says, "If you don't do what I ask, I'll be upset as a result."

 

If you want to keep it light, suggest that you would really like it if he'd contact you more often--then leave it at that. If this isn't enough to prompt him to do it because he wants to, and you've removed any uncertainty about wanting it also, then isn't that something you should know?

 

In your corner.

[Lookin4Answers]

I didn't mean it to be emotional blackmail. I was more looking at is like, "hey this is how I feel, and I just want to be able to share my feelings with you."

 

I can see however that it can come accross like blackmail. That's why I added the "non-overbearing" line... thoughts on this part of my last quote?

 

How does this sound instead, "I wanted to talk to you about something that has been on my mind for some time. I would really like it if you contacted me more often, especially on the phone. I'm not saying this to be overbearing, but simply because I like you a lot and hearing from you, especially hearing your voice, makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected."

 

Thoughts on this one? BTW I am seeing him a week from this Saturday, and I'm looking forward. It came about online today, he signed into facebook, and I sent him a message. I figure their is no point in playing games. Let me just talk to him for now when I feel like it.