Contacted him b/c I still loved him. Nervewracking experience

[motorgrl]

well i made the decision to call him..i sent him a v-mail so it wouldn't ring with my number and possibly interrupt something..i mentioned i have been thinking of him lately, wondering how he is etc and if he wants he can text me back and i left my number in case he didn't have it anymore...he called me back about 3 minutes later and we started talking..i dont remmeber everything word for word b/c it was very nerve wracking, i wasn't expecting his call..i asked him about his mom and how was family etc

 

he was on a vacation with a friend to do something right now..and he said he is very suprised to hear from me after the way things happened so abrupt and how it finalized etc..he did mention my things like he still has it and he wasn't going to throw it away and my heart started to sink a little so i said i regret alot and know if it wasn't for the jealousy most of our problems wouldn't have existed and he was saying hindsight is 20/20 right? and he said im sure i had my flaws too..but i basically put the blame on myself and said no, i don't want to do what i did with whoever i am with and if i knew what it was doing to us and to you it would have stopped, i just never realized it etc....and then he kind of changed the subject and said how is my family and then asked what have i been up to which is when i told him about my traveling and he said very nice and asked who i went with to one of the trips

 

he mentioned he knew my b-day passed and didnt want to call on it and ruin anything and he also knew i didn't want to be friends and thats when i said i dont want to be friends and he says he understands..and at one point in the convo it was brought up how when i contacted him months ago he just didn't want to go through all that again and i said i don't either, i wouldn't to do that again

 

my stuff did get mentioned again and he said something like you would use it again except for maybe that brush in my medicine cabinet(it was all full of hair) and i said bad i know..and he said its still there....and i really tried to get in as best as i could with me being nervous how i wish i could back and do things over and he mentioned i dont believe in changing everything for someone else and i said well this would be for me in general..and then he asked but how can you change like that and just not be that way..something along those lines he siad..and i said well by taking a couple of steps back and asking is this worth reacting to and stressing out about and most times it isn't...he also mentioned it can be together all the time...and i had no idea what he meant so i asked..and he said like not being able to be out of the person's sight..and i said i know you should have been able to do this or that...and then he mentioned but you should want to do those things too and i agreed and told him i even joined a softball league this summer which kind of was a good light topic and he kind of started laughing like i can't picture you doing this and that i would have to see and record etc..and i said no thats embarrassing...we got on the topic of dates and he said you mean to tell me you didn't date anyone..and i didn't know what to say so i said i took some time to myself and then asked him and he said he went out with a few people but nothing b/f and g/f which is what he wanted..he wanted to work and pay off bills etc..so i said ok i expected that..and i mentioned i went on some dates but its not where i wanted to be..and he said there is a lot of garbage out there

 

and when i was mentioning the relationship stuff he said can we talk about this when i get back?

he eventually started to say he is gonna go..i guess b/c his friend was there or they were going somewhere..and maybe i shouldnt have said it but i said do u want to meet up? and he said well i am back this week so i will give you a call and i said ok bye and he said ok expect a call

 

im so nervous..i really tried to explain myself..i wasnt expecting him to call back so fast especially if he was away..its like being heartbroken all over if rejected and he doesnt think a second shot is worth it..but i guess i showed i had heart after all this time

[loulee]

I wouldnt be at all pessimistic.. i think iti sounds a little promising and that he may just be receptive to the idea. he called back very quickly and overall for a first conversation you have both agreed to meet!! And he reminded you to expect a call..So i would just relax and wait and see for now..all the best... Im sure you will hear from him very soon....

[leq]

how long ago did you break up?

[motorgrl]

it was about a year ago and when i contacted him a few months after through text he did turn down the idea saying this isn't about being over you or moving, im just not ready to start doing this all over again and not to mention this is very unexpected etc etc etc...that was the gist of it and that was almost a year ago when i contacted him..i figured i had to let alot of time pass to let negative feelings go away and holidays etc etc....despite the time that passed i still felt like i still knew him.

[motorgrl]

well he did say he would contact me when he got back and he said thursday he would be back which was 2 days ago...i just sort of feel after a year of not talking he would be a little more eager and would have called me back by now....my friend said give it to the end of the weekend since its labor day weekend.

[motorgrl]

well still haven't heard from him..he came back thursday which maybe it was late..but he had friday, saturday...if its bad news why can't he just get it overwith and say i just want to return your stuff..why make me wait to say that...my friends say well maybe b/c its a holiday weekend, he wants to wait towards the end of it or wants to see if you will be patient...but they still think he should know it was hard to call him and he should be more eager to call me back more quickly.

[Maya_A]

motorgrl,

 

I think you may be putting too much emphasis on when he will call back. He might sense that you still have feelings for him so maybe he is taking his time to think about how he feels in it all.

 

If I understood right (I'm not sure I always understood what you were saying) part of the issue was you holding a very tight rein on things. He mentioned he wanted to have some down time for himself the odd day where he just wanted to go out & do his own thing, & that he wanted you to want the same for your own self.

 

You agreed that change was needed and you have "changed", so during this time it is perfect for you to practice this in case he is open to seeing you again.

 

Be careful that you and your friends do not put to many "he shoulds" in this or you may find yourself feeling right back at square one with the attitude that seemed to have pushed him/things away in the first place.

 

I know it's difficult because you have feelings and you are specifically waiting to see if there is a chance of reconciliation in a sense, but try to busy your own self with your own things during this time. No need to over-analyze things. Take your mind off of it for long stretches.

 

Allow him to take his time to think. He may need another week, or he may call you today, tomorrow, etc.

 

Try not to let it consume you in the mean time. Again, that can be good practice for you.

[motorgrl]

i absolutely agree..patience is a virtue right? so i am trying to be and wouldn't show feelings of why didn't you call me sooner b/c he doesnt really owe me anything at this point..its just a nervous feeling inside of wondering...he is worth the wait but to wait and then hear bad news, why couldnt that be done sooner you know if it is bad news....i really wanted to explain to him that i understood how he felt and i would never do that knowing what it was doing to someone else.

[Batya33]

I agree with Maya and based on the conversation it sounds unlikely that he wants to reconcile although he may be willing to talk with you further about "the relationship" despite his decision. From what you described he doesn't seem enthusiastic enough about getting back together or your descriptions of how you've changed.

Obviously I could be wrong but since you do feel so vulnerable I would do as much as possible to distract yourself and distance yourself and not expect that he will call back anytime soon (which he is entitled to do - it wouldn't be very nice if he didn't call back at all since he said he would but since you're not together anymore it wouldn't be unreasonable of him to decide that calling will just prolong the moving on process).

[motorgrl]

well i didn't really expect him to jump right in and agree..i think it may have come by real surprise and he even said he was.

[Batya33]

well i didn't really expect him to jump right in and agree..i think it may have come by real surprise and he even said he was.

 

It's up to you how much of a risk you want to take with your emotions - contacting him is a real step back in the moving on process and waiting for him to call with the expectatons you have is even more of a step back. The risk is up to you - to me, even someone who is surprised would be more enthusiastic about the prospect of reconciling because it would have been on his mind as well. He's even telling you he went out on dates and did not pursue because of a busy work schedule, not because he missed you.

 

I know that sounds harsh as I write it but better for you to accept that he is moving on than to get more deeply invested in him than you already are. You contacted him because you chose to risk your emotions - not "because you loved him" - we can feel something and yet make a choice not to react to that feeling by contacting the person we have feelings for, because we know the outcome likely will not be positive. Accept that you chose to react to your feelings by contacting him - the mindset of "I couldn't help myself" isn't such a healthy one.

[motorgrl]

I chose to risk my emotions because yes i do still love him. And i did not expect him to not go out with anyone this year..i even said i expected that. I went on dates as well.

[Batya33]

I chose to risk my emotions because yes i do still love him. And i did not expect him to not go out with anyone this year..i even said i expected that. I went on dates as well.

 

Yes, I understand all that. My point about him dating other people was that his reason for not getting serious was not because he missed you but because of other reasons.

 

Look, maybe it's foolish to advise someone like you not to behave in this way because I behaved as you did and it made the healing process MUCH worse. I also didn't listen to people who cautioned me against behaving that way - I guess I had to touch the hot stove myself and confirm that it burned my finger. Maybe you do, too.

[motorgrl]

i wasn't expecting him to say he didn't get serious because he missed me..i wasn't expecting everything from one conversation...some say this conversation was better than they thought after time passing and they saw this as positive, some say it may not lead to anything.

[Batya33]

i wasn't expecting him to say he didn't get serious because he missed me..i wasn't expecting everything from one conversation...some say this conversation was better than they thought after time passing and they saw this as positive, some say it may not lead to anything.

 

I never wrote that you were expecting "everything" and of course the conversation is open to interpretation. The way I learned to run my life in these situations was not to let myself get as emotionally invested as you -- that is not to act on emotions when it came to an ex in the way you chose to - because most of the time all it did was get me more attached and get my hopes up about a reconciliation. It sounds like he was glad to hear from you, glad to chat with you and to hear how you're doing and, at best, highly ambivalent about getting involved with you again. I don't think your sharing with him how you've changed will make a difference - what might make a difference is if he realizes he misses you so much that he cannot imagine life without you. From the conversation as you described it that doesn't seem to be the case. Sorry.

[motorgrl]

ok....open to hear other people's opinions..thank you all for writing.

[motorgrl]

well he called..he didn't sound super nice in his v-mail..just basically its me if u want call me back...so that kind of stung..but i called and we spoke for an hour..i spoke about my family, work, money, he did the same...and he said he has been sick this past weekend which is why he didn't call..so i just said ok, sorry...when the convo was ending i said do u want to go? and he said yeah its getting late, talk to you later? so i said do you want to talk again? and he said he doesnt no how to respond to that..and he joked saying no i will just talk to you next year..and i said whatever and he kind of laughed and said you deserved that...and then he said i will give you a call tomorrow or the next day or you can call me...he said he doesnt want to give me a specific time and then not do it like this weekend b/c of the way he was feeling

 

so i guess this is headed in the right direction?...i guess i shouldnt mention us for awhile?...don't know what to do next really....

[Batya33]

I will give you my input on this conversation if you think it would be helpful. I read your previous post but since you posted an update I wanted to confirm that you only want to hear others' input before giving mine (I think there's a very simple analysis of the update but I won't offer it if it's unwanted.)

[loulee]

Dont do anything..just sit back and wait and see .he may call you in a week or so if he doesnt,... phone him, dont mention anything about him not calling you, keep all of your conversations positive, upbeat and happy. Do not place unspoken pressure on him. Just keep it all light and non serious..make it a fun conversation.. he is telling you indirectly he is a bit confused ..he needs some time to process his current thoughts and feelings...so if you want him back allow him the grace to do just this....try not to have any expectations...in the meantime dont sit about waiting for a call go out and have some fun..get busy..you will have far more to chat about next time! good luck with it all...

[motorgrl]

hi bataya,

 

i never wrote i want others opinions first..i asked if anyone else had thoughts on the matter so i am not just getting feedback from one person

 

i don't think there is that much to analyze right now..the convo was long and it seems to be headed towards a possible reconciliation but it will just take time..from knowing his personality i don't see him talking to me just to talk and thats it and have nothing come of it and a friend of mine who knows alot about this situation says the same..so i am hoping that is correct and hoping for something to eventually come of this...its hard to figure out what to do next, i know i should let him lead a little

[Batya33]

hi bataya,

 

i never wrote i want others opinions first..i asked if anyone else had thoughts on the matter so i am not just getting feedback from one person

 

i don't think there is that much to analyze right now..the convo was long and it seems to be headed towards a possible reconciliation but it will just take time..from knowing his personality i don't see him talking to me just to talk and thats it and have nothing come of it and a friend of mine who knows alot about this situation says the same..so i am hoping that is correct and hoping for something to eventually come of this...its hard to figure out what to do next, i know i should let him lead a little

 

I have a different view - it seems very clear to me - 99.9% clear - that he has no interest in reconciling but he is fine talking with you because he still has some attachment to you, because he likes talking to you, and he has no interest - or at minimum, no strong interest - in reconciling.

 

Talking to him will make his interest less, not more - he needs to experience (or continue to experience) what it's like to be without you -- no contact whatsoever -- and if he misses you enough and he doesn't see life without you as being a positive thing (and if he worries about you being snapped up by someone else while he figures things out -- obviously not a worry of his now since he is noncommital about even when you two will talk again, let alone see each other), then he will call and be very clear about his intentions. Until then all this talk and chatter just has the result of reattaching you and getting your hopes up, while reinforcing for him that you are available to chat and be his friend/buddy and therefore he knows he can keep some sort of hold on you whether or not he actually wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

What I would do if he calls again is tell him that you've thought about it some more and that talking to him in this way makes you feel too vulnerable. That, if he changes his mind and wants to get back together he can call you and if you are still interested and available you will consider it.

[motorgrl]

hi bataya,

 

i see your point but i kind of disagree with you....we can't just get back together overnight and thats it we are exclusive again...its baby steps which is what this is...we havent spoke in a year--we do need to chat a little a catch up and take things slowly..he already knows how i feel..i can't expect him to jump so quickly back into things and i don't want to do that so quickly either...and we agreed to speak again this week..we don't need to made a decision so quickly as to when we are going to meet...how do u think people get back together---it can't be done overnight...my close guy friend said the same thing about his ex...that if they were to get back together it won't be done that quickly, its not realistic even if he wanted it to be done quickly

[Batya33]

I totally agree it doesn't need to be done quickly. I was commenting on how you described the last two conversations and from what he said - and didn't say - and his attitude about speaking with you again (and when) I am 99% sure he is not interested at this time in reconciling with you and you talking with him further without the two of you being on the same page - the stated and clear intention to get back together - will make him even less interested in getting back together. You two know each other very well, you've already had your talk about your intentions to change your behavior, and if I were you I would not be in contact with him at all and give him the space and time to figure out what he wants. That's where you take things slowly - what you're doing is reading into his willingness to chat with you for a few hours a desire to get back together with you.

 

I also agree that it would be fine if he called you and said he wanted to take you out on a date he planned so you could see how the evening went and take it from there -- that's another way to take things slowly, as long as he said he wanted to take you out because he sees strong potential to get back together - but if he's not even in a place where he is enthusiastic about taking you out on a date then what you call "baby steps" - this chatting him up and trying to work your way back into his life with these phone calls -- will have the opposite effect intended.

 

(and I don't think my "story" is typical or atypical - but we hadn't been in contact for years after breaking up, we saw each other twice as friends, both felt sparks and the third time we saw each other he asked me if I wanted to get back together and we decided we'd go on a real date and take it from there. After that real date we got back together and now we're married).

[motorgrl]

ok..but i see as chatting on the phone the first step...its only been 2 conversations...we don't need to meet asap..we are just getting back into being comfortable with each other on the phone...i can't expect for him to immediately say let me take u out on a date..its been a long time and not pushing things from either side is a little better.

[Batya33]

ok..but i see as chatting on the phone the first step...its only been 2 conversations...we don't need to meet asap..we are just getting back into being comfortable with each other on the phone...i can't expect for him to immediately say let me take u out on a date..its been a long time and not pushing things from either side is a little better.

 

Oh - my point is that it is two phone conversations - the first one initiated by you - where he's made it clear that he is at best highly ambivalent and less than enthusiastic about staying in touch on any regular basis (without prodding from you) much less getting back together - I would have a different opinion if he said "I see strong potential in us reconciling, but let's talk on the phone a few times, get reacquainted and then talk about getting together -- and I will call you within the next [few] days".

 

Also, it's imbalanced - it's about you telling him that you have changed and obviously wanting a reconciliation, it's clear that you would jump at the chance to see him if he asked you out today, and he knows all this, so you continuing to talk to him "casually" is kind of transparent because he knows what you really want and he knows you don't want to take it slow as far as seeing him in person on a date. This is not a guy who is saying he wants to take it slow because he's using his head but his heart is telling him strongly that the two of you should be back together - if that were true he'd make that very clear. Instead, he's lukewarm about continuing to talk, about scheduling another call, and he's making it clear that he's not been so pining away for you this past year.

 

That is why I think your only possible shot is not doing this chatty thing and continuing to reinforce for him and for his ego that you are eager to reconcile (he seems reasonably intelligent and I'm sure he can tell all of this despite your chatting about family/work/ etc) -- let him take it as slow as he wants but without your being in his face (which is the impression you are giving with these chats, intentional or not), and without being available to him to chat and "catch up" - you can do plenty of that on a real date. If you love someone set him free, if he comes back to you he's yours, if not he never was - a true cliche in my opinion - so set him free, now that he's talked to you at length twice in a short period of time, put aside your neediness and insecurities and desire to talk to him and let him have space to see if he misses you and how much he misses you so that if he does miss you a lot, the next call, even if it is not to ask you out will be him at least saying "I miss you so very much, I think we should get back together, but my head is telling me to take this slow, so what if we talk once a week for the next [month] and see at that time whether it makes sense to go on a date." That way you know his intentions, he knows that you're not just hanging around chatting with the hope that he'll someday see the light and want you back --- so it makes you seem far more desirable and less hanging on to his every word and putting your life on hold with these vague hopes.

 

That's just my opnion based on many years of personal and indirect experience -- I realize you're smitten and your impulse is "the more I am in contact with him and chatting him up, reminiscing about the old times, reminding him about my hairbrush, the more he will want to be with me". Basically, the opposite is true, especially given his ambivalence and the context in which you're chatting (with no mutual and clear goal to reconcile). Your way is far easier -- hearing his voice allows you to think there's hope and think you're keeping him in your life - but my way, while harder is far more effective if there is to be a reconciiliation.