Should I go?

[bestgal2002]

I have been married for three years. We each have a child from a previous marriage. The kids get along pretty well. My husband carries a lot of financial and emotional baggage prior to our marriage. His ex-wife is crazy and walks all over him. She has been through 7 men since I have been married to my husband. She withholds visitation and refuses to send clothes when we do have visitation. I have been the provider/purchaser of all apparel for his kid. He lost his home in his divorce and got it back when his ex abandoned the home. He has kept his home and moved into mine after we starting dating.

 

I have asked him on numerous occasions to sell his house and he always avoids the issue. He uses his house as an office and most of his income is tied up into his home expenses. However, he has a small office in the city where he meets his clients on occasion. He works long hours and comes home for dinner around 8PM. I work full time, raise a school age child and I pay for all of the expenses and groceries. My husband said that he can not afford to contribute to the "expenses". My husband will not let me see his finances and I have no idea what are his debt's. He pays 70% of the time if we go out to dinner.

 

In addition, I do all of the housework, cooking and child rearing. On the weekends, my husband wants to rest and refuses to do work around the house or outside. I resent the fact that he can not contribute financially and physically. I have asked to sit down and plan a budget, etc. He insits that he is flat broke. I believe him but he eats out twice a day. I have ask him to bring a lunch and he will not. I fight constantly with him and say really mean things to him. He rarely argues back and just sits there. It drives me crazy. After dinner, which I cooked and paid for, he retires to the sofa to wind down and then off to bed to turn his back to me. He does not kiss me or show any emotion.

 

I love to travel and was paying for my husband to go along but now I go with my friends. We are growing farther apart. I am a very outgoing, upbeat person. My mate is quiet and reserved. I feel that marital relations are the best point of being married and my husband is not interested. We have occasional sex on his terms only. He told me after 6 months of marriage that he fell out of love with me and then said he did not mean it and took it back.

 

He has not mentioned love and refuses to answer the question. I am still in love with him and he is a good person. I have recently asked him to move out again. He took most of his stuff but calls everyday to talk. How/what should I do?

[waveseer]

Does he leave you to raise his child?

[Puckdog27]

Does he leave you to raise his child?

 

I think it goes way beyond this. From every thing she says, he does not pull his weight, hides the finances, but relies on her income, and lets someone outside the marriage (i.e. the ex-wife) walk over him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This man sounds like a classic Passive Aggressive individual. While the ex wife may have her own issues I have to wonder how much of her actions towards her ex are due to his sefishness and passive aggressive behaviour. His behaviour and attitude in this marriage is likely what took place in his first marriage. He was probably a complete waste of space in his first marriage. So I wouldn't simply comment that the ex wife walked all over him...she probably had to be tough in order to deal with this man who is totally disrespectful of relationships and does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants without regard to his wife and children. Yes, I absolutely think you should go...he is a liability. I would also wonder if his home is where he entertains other women. I wouldn't trust this man at all...I would also suggest you get yourself tested for STDs if you have had sex with him...it wouldn't surprise me if he has sex with other women.

[waveseer]

I think it goes way beyond this. From every thing she says, he does not pull his weight, hides the finances, but relies on her income, and lets someone outside the marriage (i.e. the ex-wife) walk over him.

 

I asked this question specifically because that should be all she needs to know in order to realize that he isn't just not participating in his marriage, he isn't even participating in raising his own child.

[bestgal2002]

NO. Whenever we have his child, he makes plans to take the child or children and do activities with them.

[waveseer]

NO. Whenever we have his child, he makes plans to take the child or children and do activities with them.

 

 

Then clearly he has a different idea of your relationship than you do. I suggest you let him know that the situation is no longer tolerable for you and ask him to seek counseling together and make a real effort or you are done.

[bestgal2002]

I trust that he isn't active with other women. His ex-wife is a total wack and causes huge problems between us. Whenever it is our visitation time, we go to pick up the child and they are not at home. On holidays, my husbands spends hours sitting in the driveway waiting for the child because whatever time was orginally agreed upon is now not convenient.

[coolchick64]

I think that since you're married, this decision has a lot more weight than the average break-up. Also, your kids are going to come along for the ride no matter what you end up doing, so this is a big deal. I just came out of a similar relationship (both of us divorced with kids) and I understand how complicated it can get. Also, I think the current economy is putting a lot of pressure on couples.

 

I guess what I'm thinking is it's not helping you to place blame on your husband and his ex-wife. You're probably all suffering under the pressure and doing the best you can. If you're not in counseling, I highly recommend it. Your husband may be shutting down with you because he feels overwhelmed. Counseling will give you guys a more productive way of getting all your needs on the table and solving problems. Also, look to yourself and ask what you can do to improve the situation, rather than focusing on how everyone else is falling short. Any movement in a positive direction will come back to you tenfold.