Should I leave?

[naturelover]

Been thinking alot over the past several months about leaving my husband. I love him, but haven't been in love with him for many years now. We've been married over a decade, but the sex has been minimal to nonexistant since the second year. We have one young daughter. I've been making improvements in myself for about a year now, and am starting to get some of my self-esteem back, but at the same time, I feel like I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It's not that I'm miserable, although things have gotten more tense recently, but I wonder if I should stay in a marriage with no passion for the sake of my child. I'm also feeling like I'm being incredibly selfish because one of my primary reasons for not leaving is financial. I do work full time, but he makes twice as much as I do and both of our lifestyles would dramatically change if we split. I'm in my late 30's and he is 10 years older than me.

 

I have an event coming up in a few months that would expose me, for the first time since we've been married, to situations where I may find myself tempted to cheat. (I have never cheated on anyone in my life.) Is it fair to stay in the marriage just because I have nothing better waiting for me? Nevermind, of course it isn't, and I know that. I do sense that HE senses a change in me, but neither one of us has said anything. I also worry that, say I DO meet someone and fall in love, what do I tell them? I can't lie, and no one is going to want to get involved with someone who's still married!

 

What should I do? Should I stay put for the time being and see how things go? Wait until something better comes along? Bite the bullet and leave regardless of the hardships? I just feel like this is going to surface sooner or later and it's a ticking timebomb....

[waveseer]

Is there anything fundamentally wrong with your marriage?

[naturelover]

Other than the fact that we're essentially roommates, no. I think it's just that I've changed and I feel more confident in myself, whereas before leaving never entered my mind, likely because I felt I couldn't get anything better. I should add that there have been a few times when I have caught him lying to me and betraying me, though he claims nothign physical ever happened. More like "emotional friend" deal. In one of those instances I know for a fact he couldn't have ever met the person, it was just online and on the phone. Doesn't really matter, to me it's a betrayal just the same. Which is probably a big reason why my love for him has slowly died over the years. He's lost my trust by lying to me multiple times. At this point, I don't know that I would even care if he had an affair, other than how it might affect our home situation.

[waveseer]

How old is your child? You said young, under 10? It makes a difference to your child, although kids do know when their parents are chronically unhappy. If you were to tell your husband how you're feeling and he was interested in repairing your relationship would you be interested in repairing it too?

[naturelover]

She's almost 6. In answer to your other question, the answer is I'm not sure. I guess I feel that the relationship has run it's course, but I can't let go of that security and I know it's really unfair to him and daughter. We went to therapy last year when I found out about the "emotional friend" and sort of resolved things by deciding to spend more time doing things together, which we did. But winter came and I withdrew again and now we're back at where we started, which is to say that I like to be alone alot. When I come home from work, I just want to decompress and be by myself. I retreat to my office and he does his thing and we don't meet up again until bedtime. I don't know if I would feel any differently with someone else or not. Maybe I would. Maybe it's because him and I don't have that connection any longer that I retreat. Maybe not. I've always liked to spend time by myself, maybe comes along with being an only child. The therapist did tell him that it's important for an introvert (me) to have time to themselves and that he needed to find ways to socialize without me (he didn't). We've both been overwhelmed with parenthood from the get-go too, and it's only getting harder for us. I hate to say it, but it seems like having a child has torn us apart more than anything. I don't blame my dd, I love her dearly, but she's very demanding and I feel myself even pulling away from her. I know he's overwhelmed by it too because we talk about it alot. However, the cracks were there in the relationship before we even got pregnant.

[waveseer]

Your child will grow up more quickly than you can ever imagine. If it were just you and your husband would you be more inclined to want to work things out? I realize that your child isn't going anywhere for a substantial number of years, but marriages can continue even after the children are gone.

[naturelover]

I can't seem to get past the fact that I feel like I'm settling. I've had this conversation with some trusted close friends and not everyone has the same opinion. Some of them feel like there is no way possible to sustain passion in a relationship over the long term and others feel like if it isn't there, you should leave. And I struggle with putting him in the position of being my safety net. I feel like I probably got married too young because I felt like I couldn't do better. I have a close friend who did the same thing and I wonder if this is more common than we realize? At one time I was in love with him, but to be honest, that was gone by the time we got married. He had actually betrayed me before we even got married. He's a good life companion, but that's it. No passion, no attraction. I can't imagine that ever coming back.

[waveseer]

If you know you are never going to be attracted to him ever again then you owe it to him to set him free. I doubt he really wants you under those circumstances, but I guess you could ask him. Using him financially is not making you feel any better about yourself. You deserve to be happy too. And your child will be happier if you are happier.

[naturelover]

Yeah, I don't think I'm the only one out there with this problem. I suspect it's more common than we know. I'm not making any hasty decisions, but it's on my mind more and more lately. I suspect that it will come to a head sooner or later. I guess I'm sort of waiting to see what happens in the next few months before I decide how to proceed. I have to be honest and say I'm not sure I'm even interested in seeing another counselor, but I haven't ruled it out either.

[confusedandsad]

You are not doing anybody a favor by staying. You said everything you need to know in your post. You don't love him / you're thinking of cheating / you have had to build back up your self-esteem / you feel like roommates/ and the only reason you are thinking of staying is because of your kid and money. Kids know when things are not right. Don't set the stage for your kid to take up bad relationship habits from you and your husband. You are teaching her to settle.

 

It seems like a no-brainer. Easier said than done. But don't let fear of the unknown... and feeling alone... or thinking or the what-ifs. And if you could be making a mistake to rule your judgment. You know what is best, but you are afraid. If you know for sure you want out... and you are not in love... get out. Don't hurt him, you, or your daughter by staying. Don't wait to cheat so that you make him leave you because you feel too guilty to make the decision yourself. If you are the one that wants out... then get out.

[Scorpion Fury]

If it's just the passion gone, I really would advise you to see if he is willing to work with you on that to get it back before you just divorce him. I think divorce should be a very serious last resort.