please help me understand

[hrt broken]

My Wife of seven years, and love of my life for nine years recently left me. She gave me a one day notice, and left the following morning. Since then I found out that she never broke off a relationship that she made online with someone in Minesota.

I found out a couple weeks ago that they are meeting this week, this is tearing me apart on the inside and outside. (he leaves today) A week or two before they met I asked her to at least file for a divorce, to give me some peace of mind. Well she didnt, and I cant help but dwell on the issue. I still love and care so much about her, and it really hurts that someone I love so much could fall in love online, and meet, even though she knows how much it hurts me. I have done everything possible to win her back, and I just dont know what to do anymore. I have lost the one person that I love and care the most about.

I have always been a faithfull husband, caring and supportive. I do have my faults though. Not spending enough time with her. Not making love often enough to satisfy her.

I dont think those faults warrant a heart break like mine is going through right now.

I dont know how I can possibly win her back, I have tried everything from dedicating songs on the radio station, asked her out on a date, to pleading my case with her. Anyone have anymore ideas?

[RandyB]

Why we can't stop loving someone who treats us so badly is something I've never been able to understand. It will take the pain a long while to go away, but it would be easier to get over it if you could persuade your wife to at least communicate with you. Do you have a way of contacting her now? Tell her you need to hear her point of view of how things were going in your marriage. She might be more likely to respond to that than a request from you to hear your side. The fault may lie more with her than with you, but she may not see it that way, and anyway, for future reference it might help to know and you may learn something more about your wife. If she doesn't respond, consider going through a mutual friend or family member. She may be embarrassed herself about how she has behaved and ashamed to speak to you directly. Give it what you think is a reasonable amount of time then seek advice from friends and an attorney about filing for divorce yourself. If a breakup is imminent, do not let it drag out. Get it over with quickly so that you can go about your life.

 

I was lucky to have been married to a wonderful woman for five years, and even though what led to our divorce was not pretty (and largely my fault), we have remained as close as any two exes can be after. She is remarried to a great guy and has two daughters with them and he contacts me himself every so often to catch up. Strange as it may sound, exes can end up being better for each other as friends and as exes than they ever were married. In my case, I made the mistake of marrying a woman who should only have ever been my best friend, but I don't regret it.

 

I hope things work out for you eventually, but sooner rather than later,

 

RandyB

[woobiegirl]

I'm very sorry to hear of the pain you are going through right now. Although many details aren't available, from what you've said...I would say the red flags have been there for some time. I would guess at this point there isn't much you can say or do to change her mind on visiting this guy. If this is their 1st physical face to face meeting...you just never know, it may not be what she imagined after all. How many times have people found out it is NOT always greener on the other side. Sounds like she may be looking for something new, exciting, and romantic...but what she may find out is that new is not necessarily better....just "newer". Give her some time, begging & pleading is not the answer. If it doesn't work out for her and she decides she wants to come back, that will be your decision whether you can live with that. It's also why 2nd marriages and/or relationships seem easier...because we learn the importance of not taking what we have together for granted.

 

Hope it works out for you and keep us posted.

Woobiegirl

 

[hrt broken]

Yes we still communicate through cell phone. But she turns it off most of the time so I cant call her.

She is 32 and he is 22. When I ask her how she fell in love online she says that she didnt mean for it to happen, and that she loves me but is not in love with me.

I remain in contact with her parents, who think that I am a wonderfull son in law, and the best thing that has happened to her, but they want to stay out of it, and dont tell me anything.

Sorry that I left all that out.

[tarquin]

unfortunately you cant make her come back. if she wants to she will and begging her will probably just push her away. my wife recently has had an affair with a guy 10 years younger that her, and i feel your pain - but i have had to let her go. she did not put up a fight for me when the affair was found out and i do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. i know that sounds callous but believe me i am as heartbroken as anyone could be - however i am mature enough to realise that if she is not willing to come to the party then i am better off without her, and if you love someone you have to set them free

[Always Learning]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. Do not fight it. Learn from it. It is important that you take care of yourself and do not try justify what your wife did. Let me fast forward your situation if I may. One thing I know for sure: She will not stay with that guy. He actually may get tired of her. It is likely that at some point she will want to get back with you. Would you want her back? You may or you may not. "Watch what you wish for".

[suemeimhuman2]

hi...i'm one of your wife's friends from highschool....i am soooo upset at this i am not sure what to think. my gut reaction is to bitch slap her into reality!! marriage is not a joy ride every day of every year. it's hard work....and i know that you are hurting but need to realize that this is not happening because of you but her. if ya need to chat i'm online most nites.

 

BrettAnn

[hrt broken]

Sorry she hasent communicated with you in awile Suemeimhuman2, but I know that she would like to hear from you! Thanks for the email, and the post in this forum, I will look you up online when I can, (I am in the middle of finals all this week and next)

[suemeimhuman2]

np......you can email me at email removed