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Afraid of what happens after the shock

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I feel like my soul has literally been torn in half and the other half hates me and will never see me again.


I never imagined it would happen but it has. After 2 years, yesterday me and my girlfriend have had the most horrible, traumatic, messy split up possible. Our relationship was bliss, I loved her more than anything, we were so close and she had helped me through so many hard times.


But she had issues with being selfish and self-absorbed and never really tried to fix them. I loved her too much to leave her but the frustration and disappointment built up and up in me until it caused massive arguments and I upset her a lot. This last time it happened it seemed like the final straw.


I was ready to try one more time, even though I don't think she would ever change.


But honestly I thought about this girl every second of my life, all my plans for the future had her in them, everything I did in my life I did it for her and for us, I utterly adored her, she was my companion and I still feel like she was my soulmate


She didn't put me first and she didn't treat me as well as she should have, during the good times too, so I know that 'theoretically" it's a good thing it's over and I know it can never go back.


But I am in complete shock, I can't feel anything, I am completely numb. Every few minutes a tear will well up in my eye and I'll have a jolt of the agony that it feels like will come in full force when the shock fades.


I am really afraid of how upset I will get before I get better ;(

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She is disrespectful. . .sounds arrogant if you ask me.

You had to say what you had to say without a doubt.

Breaking up with her is going to be the most painful thing but it's the best thing for you.

I know what it's like.

Know you have to let go when you don't want to. . .even beyond all logic.


I know it really rips you apart. . .but she won't change.


It's been two years.

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I know you're right, I know it's obviously the best thing, but other than this she really was everything I had ever hoped for.. it was the best and the worst of love all in one.


I mean, I am going back to a counsellor in the next few days, and I can't stop remembering that the last time I saw this counsellor was two years ago, and I was telling her that would be the last session I'd need because I had met the girl of my dreams.


Jesus, the pain is just.. unbearable. I am soaked in tears.. I have lost weight in the last week or so and am close to being clinical underweight.


And I just worry that I will never be able to make the same effort with anyone else again. When I met her she rescued me from depression and I really pured all my heart and soul into her and for 2 years did everything I could to make her happy and surprise her and make her feel loved, but it didn't make any difference


Thanks for your words guys it means a lot right now.

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anonybrit you are saved!

sometimes our dumpers have a way of knowing what's best for us (they can't commit or love as fully as they see we are doing, feel guilty and lash out and act weird about it, etc.)

the bottom line is, all their disrespectful behavior can teach us how to better preserve ourselves, for the people who are actually willing to love.

be with yourself for now, as hard as it is, i know the better days will come.

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How are you doing now?


I went through all of the stages of grief but I'm beginning to accept that it's over for good this time and I'm okay with that. I now see that what I was mourning wasn't my actual relationship, but all the hopes and dreams I had for my relationship..what I thought it had the potential of becoming, but never was. Reminding myself of that keeps me sane.

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I know exactly what you feel like. I went through the same exact thing with my marriage. My ex was the same way...he always put his band ( even though they werent going anywhere) before our relationship.


I know what it feels like to give 120% of yourself because you really and truly feel they are your soulmate.


It is one of the worst pains that I have ever gone through, and to this day I choose never to think of that again.


What I can tell you is that I am very confident that with time you will heal and recover from this wound. I can't say how long but I know you will overcome this. You just need to stay strong and positive.


If I could overcome it so can you...

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People don't realise that just because we were young (17 and 21) doesn't mean we weren't close. I mean god, we couldn't have been closer. I knew every inch of her inside and out, I knew all of her worries and fears in life and looked forward to helping her overcome them and making her a happy girl Everything I see reminds me of her, I can't eat pancakes because she loved them, I can't stroke my cat because she used to love it, I can't think about the future because I had planned everything around her.. If I see something of hers in my room or look at a photo of us together I instantly explode with gushes of tears


But she just can't help but see the world from a view point where she is the centre of the solar system and where her initial reactions are infallible.. she just enjoyed receiving too much and didn't really relish in giving at all.


Unbalanced relationship can never last..


She is now telling me things like "she is unsure about her feelings", a day after she laughed smugly to herself while I broke down over the phone begging for another chance. I have no reason to believe things will change now, it's not enough that I still love her, I need to be happy, I just CAN'T go through this kind of emotional collapse all the time it is ruining my life and I am only 21. I mean I am now clinically underweight, I need to get a grip on my life I've let myself be taken advantage of, just neither of us realised it.

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Anony ... I'm not sure if you know about the 5 stages of mourning ... and mourning is what you are doing , a part of you has in fact died ...

first there is shock , denial ... what your feeling right now

then comes bargaining ... you believe you can still be friends ... in most cases you can't .. my advice would be to stay away from her NC ... at least until your through the grieving process ... try your hardest not to do anything stupid , or degrading to your pride.

next will come anger .... and anger is the great emancipator ... you can't really start to move on until you feel the anger ... swim in it , revel in it ... but , make sure you lose it ... anger can consume the soul , you don't want that anger to change you or make you bitter forever ... the anger will pass over time ... and although you will lose 99.9% of that anger , there might be that lingering .1% that might take years to fully lose ( leastways that's been my experience.

after anger , your going to feel depression .... go do things , take your mind off things , sink yourself into your hobby .. do something ! but don't allow yourself sit in the saddness too long , or that can consume you for a while too ...

finally , there will come acceptance , and you will have the peace of soul you had before you even met her ... and after your through with it all , you will come out a better wiser person for it , and be ready to love again ...

this has been my experience .... but for now hang in there , surround yourself with your friends who will listen to you and put up with you during this emotional time ... men run on logic , women emotion .. and when men start running on emotion it's usually not a pretty sight .... but don't fight it , let it all out my brother , it's ok , it WILL pass... and trust us all when we say ... your gonna be ok

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You're right, I know those stages are sworn by even in the medical profession, and I feel like I'm in bargaining now today...


The only problem is, I wasn't really happy before I met her The happiest I've been in my life is the first few weeks and months of our relationship..

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And I just worry that I will never be able to make the same effort with anyone else again.


I get worried about the same thing, the effort to get to know somebody and start all over again, but you've got to put that to the back of your mind.


In relation to your comments about not being happy before you met her, and that she rescued you, there are some lessons there.


First, this will give you a good chance to finally address the issues that were plaguing you before you got together and broke up. So, it is good that you are seeing a counsellor.


Secondly, no other human being should rescue someone. By letting yourself become 'rescued', you are handing over your power to someone else. Never let anybody have your power!


You are moving through the stages of grief faster than i, or other people here, seem to be.

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She admitted that she at least wasn't sure how she felt now, even though it's over, which boosted me a bit because the thought that 2 wonderful years with the girl I still think was my soulmate could be erased and she could forget about them and not even miss me was absolutely crushing me..


But I am still haunted by the thought that if only she didn't have this self-centered trait, or if only we had managed to work it out and remove that issue, we could have been the happiest couple in the world...


And everywhere I see ghosts of her, everything reminds me of her and it's like having lost an entire life of happiness I had taken for granted

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Excellent post, sypaman!


I would like to add that these stages are not clearly defined and do not always go in perfect sequence. Some days you feel anger, then next day go back to the bargaining stage, then you might alternate between anger and depression. But, it really does get easier over time.

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Forget it it seems she was only "unsure" of her feelings for a second, she is back to her cold self. Really hurts.. I just wanted her to show that the ladt 2 years meant something. I am beginning no contact now, texting her today really undid a lot of progress and I feel like I'm right back at the start.


I wrote her a letter and asked her to write one back, but she says she might not bother. If she doesn't I think I'll die, how can someone fail you so spectacularly even now...


A letter will be a good way to close the book on our time together I think, it will force her to reflect and give me a real explanation of how she has been feeling as communication got quite poor early on.



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I know a lot of people think they miss their ex but really just miss being in a relationship, but I miss her specifically, I miss watching horror movies with her and her grabbing me in the shock moments, I miss the feel of her hand interlocked with mine.. I think I've gone back into shock again

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im going thru the same stuff but what makes it much worse for me is my ex (who kicked me out of our new flat 1.5 week ago and we have a kid) is under the pretence that we can work on things to try and get back together eventually. She shows no emotion towards me all she wants to do is * * * * around with her friends. Last night i lay awake till five in the morning so angry that it was eating me up inside.

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She added me to facebook yesterday, I don't know why, I don't know why I accepted. She doesn't seem upset, maybe she is but if she is hiding it and I don't understand what the point in hiding things and playing mind games is now..


Anyway we started talking, I asked if we could chat about our relationship. I thought that no our 2 year long relationship had come to an end maybe we could talk on the level without the resentment and defensiveness of the past, but no, she simply does not and will not ever accept that she didn't treat me and go out of her way for me as much as I did for her.


I asked why she never thought to make me breakfast in bed for once, as a gesture to show she cared and was willing to show it - she said she "couldn't cook"... I told her I am sure she knows that buttering toast or putting pancakes in the microwave isn't really cooking, she replied "well... I'm not a morning person!".


Even now it's just excuses and denial, she honestly doesn't think there was a problem. In her head she loved me enough, and said that lots, and that = all effort I put into being sympathetic and understanding, like not giving her a hard time when she cancelled her ticket to see me the day before in order to go to a friends birthday party, or all the physical effort I put into treating her throughout the day that was never reciprocated..


I honestly thought she would be able to accept some of this by now, I am once again back to square 1 in floods of tears, I DESPISE THE WORLD, I DESPISE LOVE AND I WISH I HAD NEVER MET HER!!!!

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People are pain. Then you get over them, and find a new life altogether...


My ex is so far gone right now I don't think I ever existed in her life in the first place.


And I deleted her on facebook - she doesn't get to have her cake AND eat it too. I wanted her love forever - NOT her friendship. So what do I get out of her friendship? Just agony.


My ex gave up on us and gave up on herself being with me many months ago. She has been healing and breaking up for so long that now she can move on so nimbly. I was left with the emotional bag of crap - she's certainly not here for me now that I have to go on without her, though I was there for her when she was moving on from me.


I reckon she's now starting her fourth week of her new relationship. And she's "fallen" for him, she says...I know my time is done, and I'll never mean to her what she means to me - or at least, what I thought she could mean to me if she would just love me true as I loved her.


It wasn't differences that tore us apart - it was her inability to love as much as she claims to love. She needed something different, because constance is not her style. We're done.


Be done, and rejoice that you are FREE!!!

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I am so sure she is my soulmate, but on this I just cannot compromise, everyone I knew pointed it out to me, it is the only reason we didn't work, but even now she refuses to accept it. I am not asking her to say she is a bad person, just that she made a mistake and didn't make the effort to *show* me she cared as much as she did.


I am literally tearing apart inside, I have never known so much pain in all my life

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