Feeling rearing its ugly head again

[June_Bug]

I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post this. I almost don't even want to post this here for fear someone I know will see this and recognize my story. Long story short, I was very briefly involved with a guy I work w/ about 7 mos ago. He basically blew me off- we never really had a discussion that the involvement was over. It was surely a FWB situation on his end, but I wanted more though I never told him and in fact told him the exact opposite. Shortly after it ended, I had suffered a very tragic death of a relative and that was obviously my focus at the time. Because of the tragedy, I never really discussed things with him.

 

So we still work together and are super nice to each other at work. Of course, once he didn't want me, it made me want him very badly, but I was able to fake my way through it like I didn't care. I thought that after behaving like it was nothing for so long, I had finally gotten over it. So we go out for drink with a few co-workers the other night. There were a couple of instances in which we were left alone to talk. He starts talking about this gambling addiction he has and how much money he’s lost in the past few years. He’ll go months without gambling, but then he can lose like several thousand in a night. He’s pretty comfortable financially, but this is still a huge amount of money in my opinion. In the last two years, he’s lost more than I make in one year (and I make a very healthy amount). So instead of making me think how fortunate I am to not have been seriously involved with him, I have this overwhelming urge to take care of him. I do have this huge need to take care of him, but I really don’t want to be somebody’s mother. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I know these are problems I don’t want or need.

 

We were sitting there talking and he was looking at me and I was looking at him and all the feelings came flooding back. I wanted him so badly. It’s just so bloody awful. Why do I still feel this way? Other men ask me out or hit on me and I have absolutely no interest in them. He’s the first one to make me really feel in such a long time. I know you can’t control who you have chemistry with, but it’s like some huge cosmic joke that I only want someone who doesn’t want me back. I seem to have this pattern of falling for these old (relatively speaking) emotionally traumatized, commitment phobic men. Sometimes I wonder if I fall for men I know will be truly unavailable because it’s somehow safer than falling for someone who I may have to risk having a real relationship with. Even being cognizant of this fact, I still feel so much for this man. Dear God what is wrong with me? Most importantly, how do I stop it?

[June_Bug]

FYI, it's OK if there are no replies to this. It was kind of cathartic just writing it all out.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i'm just wondering...

 

the gambling addiction doesn't turn you off?

[June_Bug]

i'm just wondering...

 

the gambling addiction doesn't turn you off?

 

No, I think it's horrible. I was in shock at the amount he claims to have lost. That's why it's really sick that I still want the guy. I mean, the man pays his bills and has decent credit (actually just bought a vacation home), so it's not like it's affected his standard of living or anything, but that is an extraordinary amount of money to me.

 

However, this issue just kind of makes me want to take care of him more. Sick, right? As I was sitting there, gaping at him while he was explaining the extent of it, he kind of shrugged it off by saying, "well, my kids are grown and it's just me and I don't have anybody to rein me in". Seriously? I would kill one of my friends for feeling like I am right now... Yet I sooo want to be the one reining him in.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

there is a reason you have that little voice in your head telling you no no no... but then there is another part of you that is saying .. so what .. go for it anyway.

 

that quiet soft voice telling you "no" is your intuition ... and it would do you a world of good to listen to it.

 

i can't tell you how many times i have said- and have heard others say - i should have listened to myself.

 

there is no big romance to be had with someone who has an addiction- their life is about their addiction and thats about it.. no room left for healthy communication or even healthy values and goals.

 

my guess is this man will rock your world.. but not in a good way and since you work together- that makes it even more complicated for you.

[Sparchitecht]

I hear you describing a loser. I hear the loser being described by someone who is missing something in her life and is emotionally brittle because of it. She may lack self-esteem, may be grieving, dealing with hormones, coping with something in her life or in herself, running from past-repressed trauma, dealing with anxiety, or a whole mix-n-mess of the lot of them. Regardless of her motivations, though, the only wager this guy should be betting big bucks on is that he's a loser. That would be a cash-cow if his ego could pony-up the coin.

[June_Bug]

I know you're both right. Even as I sit here and attempt to rationalize his issues, I know you're right. In my head, I keep thinking, well, it's not like his bills aren't paid or he's getting himself into serious financial trouble. He should be OK if he just bought a vacation home, right? If he has that much disposable income and can go months without gambling, is it really an addiction? Yet I know this is absolutely something I could not tolerate living with... I know that every other wonderful quality this man might have will be completely overshadowed by this one rather large problem. At the same time, seeing his vulnerabilities brings out this nuturing side of me that just makes me want to make it all better for him. (I know he needs to "make it better" for himself.) It makes me sad because it has been such a long time since someone has made me feel that spark. I feel nothing for these other men that approach me. The truly difficult thing is having to see him constantly.

[Sparchitecht]

Let's see if I can pick this apart for you, because you're not going to win without crushing a few of the crickets in what you're saying...

 

He should be OK if he just bought a vacation home, right?

 

No, you and I both know impulsivity and ignorance cause people to spend tonnes of money every day they can't actually afford to. Don't delude yourself even long enough to consider that one.

 

If he has that much disposable income and can go months without gambling, is it really an addiction?

 

Yes.

 

Yet I know this is absolutely something I could not tolerate living with... I know that every other wonderful quality this man might have will be completely overshadowed by this one rather large problem.

 

I hear infatuation creeping in now. Regardless of whether or not this "addiction" would be an issue, the guy already stinks of fish, and if his gambling is the only thing you have to ratify staying away from him you really are running the risk of following your heart pretending that it's your head. Infatuation cleaves the heart from the mind, and no matter the course of the relationship, infatuation itself always comes to an ash-laden end. In clearer terms, be warned ahead of time you sound like you're asking to go stumbling into something that will only beat you up and spit you out older and colder.

 

At the same time, seeing his vulnerabilities brings out this nuturing side of me that just makes me want to make it all better for him. (I know he needs to "make it better" for himself.)

 

Know all-too-well the feeling. I haven't completely cured it in myself yet, but suffice to say that a great deal of that overwhelming feeling has to do with yourself and the things about you I listed in my first post. Dealing with those things are a far more effective way means to restoring balance than attempting to null all your wounds by nurturing one who wants not to be nurtured.

 

This, as well, is a common facet of youthful females chasing that 'bad boy' persona whom they dream will be the one who changes it all 'for her' in this ultimate romantic sacrifice of sorts. It's possible you're one of those countless many females in our race whom hasn't managed the hop-skip out of that stage of an emotionally-stunted maturation and into that phase where attraction is based ultimately on a male's potential to provide and protect the one to whom he pledges himself. For this I have no answer other than to again look into your own issues for clues and cures and attempt to move past any dysfunctional thinking- and living-patterns that will have been passed down to you from your parents or parent-figures most likely.

 

It makes me sad because it has been such a long time since someone has made me feel that spark.

 

A potential issue to address?

 

I feel nothing for these other men that approach me. The truly difficult thing is having to see him constantly.

 

Two lines that both resonate with me. Infatuation turned my life upside down and took a lot of my life away from me before it was finally over. In retrospect I have no more of a clue now how I should have dealt with it than I did back then. An idle aberration of the human condition that is as tough to deal with as pain, pressure or irritation are in a thousand other forms.

[June_Bug]

I was thinking about this at work yesterday and paying attention to how needy and seemingly helpless this man is. Quite frankly, it was such a huge turn off. I want a confident, competent man who can do things for himself and take care of things without me telling him to. I already have a child. I don't want another. Honestly, I feel like I've dodged a rather large bullet with him.

 

Sparchitecht, you're awfully insightful. You've certainly given me some things to think about. I think I need to work on myself before I consider dating again. I may look into getting some grief counseling, as well. I thought this man was different from the losers I've been involved with in the past. He's educated, appeared financially stable (nice home, car, clothes, etc), however those are only surface differences. He does put on this boisterous, confident air at times, but I can completely see now how that's just a show. He's just as needy and issue ridden as all the others. He is just a hot mess that I have neither the time nor the energy for. The more I learn about him, the more I begin to recognize what a pathetic figure he really is. I need to figure out how to break this relationship pattern I've been in before I can even consider entering into another.

[Sparchitecht]

Then let us look forward to this as a beginning.

 

Mating patterns are riddled with archetypes learned in us from a young age. They can be hard to break, and often aren't broken directly, but by improving key sources of issue (ie: low-self-esteem, lack of confidence, unfinished past emotional issues, distress or hurt, mental illness, emotional instability, de doo de daa...)

 

If losers or problem guys are a recurring issue, don't kid yourself when faced with the question of 'why'. The more of them you fall for, the more you become the only common denominator through all of them, meaning it's you that's finding attraction in them. Not to mean it with offense toward you, but I've always had a saying that dysfunction attracts dysfunction, so if you're "not right" in some way, it seems to be human nature to attract to something of the like.

 

There's your starting point. I hope for a world of wonder to greet you.