just broke up, need a place to talk about it

[Bismark776]

Hi I'm new to this site. I've been reading a lot of the posts on this forum and it helps, it really does. While I'm on here, reading about people going through what I am, I just don't feel so empty or lonely. To be honest I've never been dumped before yesterday. I'm only 23 so I know I've got a long life of opportunities or whatever ahead of me but this is really difficult.

 

We dated for 4 1/2 years starting when we were freshmen in college. We had serious discussions about things that were upsetting us in the relationship a couple of times a year but we never really argued or bickered. We were very close, I knew her entire family and vice versa. She ended it the other day though and I am left wondering what happens next and if we can ever get back together. She said that we were drifting apart and that she was changing. She told me that over the past year shes been stressed a lot and lashing out at me. She says that thats not the kind of person she wants to be and being that way is making her unhappy.

 

I'm just completely dumbstruck by this. Through all of her stress and problems I've been nothing but supportive. In fact she once told me I was "too supportive" and that maybe she was stressing over things she shouldn't be. She was supposed to move in to my place tomorrow. Most of her stuff was already here. I came home from work and she had already moved it all out and when she saw me she ended it. I didn't know what to say.

 

We had big plans together for the future, in fact my life was completely structured around a future with her. I don't know how all this sounds to you guys who have heard these stories all before. I really want her back but I don't know if she'll even consider it. I think that maybe she just needs to take a breather, re-evaluate her life, and consider what she wants. I was her first serious boyfriend and we've been together for so long but through such a transitional period of our lives. Like I said, I've read through a lot of this site. I know the protocol is to put up no contact for some time. She did forget a few things here and has a few things of mine she said she wants to return. She said maybe in a few weeks we could arrange to make the exchange. I guess you guys will tell me to go no contact until then and play it cool/low profile when it happens but I'm worried about that approach. She is a very shy and anxious person. She is very prone to panic attacks and confrontations. I think that even if she wanted to get back together she wouldn't be able to bring herself to initiate.

 

I guess thats all I have to say about this right now, I really look forward to anything anyone has to tell me.

[pinkrobot]

Hey there, welcome to ENA.

 

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. The best thing to do right now (besides NC, which you already mentioned) is just to have patience and don't really have any expectations for what might or might not happen. If you think she needs time and space to evaluate things, then make sure you respect that. In the meantime, keep yourself well occupied--surround yourself with friends and/or family, take up a new hobby, join a club or volunteer somewhere...anything that will keep your mind on other things so you aren't always thinking about her and aren't tempted to break NC.

 

And you can always come here, there will always be people who will talk to you and support you. Hang in there, it will get better.

[arcadefire]

Your story is familiar to these boards, do no feel alone. A break up, in fact a break up after your first serious relationship, is hard on everyone.

 

It will be hard to take your mind off of her reasons for breaking up. Despite what she said, you should try hard not to dwell on this. She chose to break up with you. What you choose to do with your life in the near future is up to you. My advice is to concentrate on doing things to keep yourself busy. Talk to friends, family. If you need to talk, talk. But don't do anything desperate. I know you want her back, but anything you do now will seem desperate, and her reaction may not be one that you desire. In fact, if she's set in the break up, you will feel rejected all over again.

 

Be strong. Someone out there will love you for who you are, not because you are being too this or that. You deserve someone who will give you that. Think about that, you deserve the love you give. She isn't going to give it to you, is the short of it.

[giggidy]

It sucks to be broken up with. And it's hard. But, the best thing you learn is how much you can accomplish when you realize you can do anything now. I used a lot of this time talking to people with the same story, and the best piece of info I got was something my friend said. He explained how his ex and my ex both dumped us for new guys, and in a way, we were less confined and tied down than our exes.

 

Secondly, when you spoke about her anxious tendencies, one thing raised my interest. My ex was also reserved and shy. I also think that even if she wanted me back, it would nearly kill her to admit it. And it's true. But that doesn't mean that its best for me or you to make it "easier" by initiating it. Because, who knows if they really don't want us and are too timid to stay away. The point is, we can't make decisions for other people.

 

That being said, I find it harder to not give a crap about her successes and failures. However, others successes and failures are a part of life, and circumventing the process only makes things worse. My girlfriend is starting her junior year at the same university (different campus). I'm scared as * * * * that she might have a tough time, but when it comes down to it, I also had a tough time and I got through it on top.

 

The biggest pains I have now after six months is the occasional missing period. However, I figured out that it's me that starts the process, and it's me that can end it.

 

Finally, I hope that this experience will allow you to remember who you are, and how much you're capable of now that you're going solo. I've found that I've made more success by myself in 6 months than durring the 2 years that my ex and I were together.

 

hope that helps

[faithful14]

Bismark, I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time...because breakups do suck! The best move here for you is to do No Contact and just spend time focusing on yourself. Your girlfriend might have lost her sense of self (who she is) while being in the relationship. I'm sure the combination of having a stressful life and lashing out on you has made an impact on her and has made her question the relationship.

 

IMO, just give her all the space she needs so she can clear her head and figure out what she wants. If you try to win her back now, you will probably push her away. So create some distance, give her space, and try as much as you can to just keep busy with friends, family, work, and anything else that gives you some kind of happiness. She could just be confused right now and the absence of you in her life might make her realize what she has lost.

[Bismark776]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts and support. I guess the hardest thing, for me, about no contact is that she just ended it abruptly. Like I said, we weren't fighting or anything, it was just something she'd been thinking about (and not revealing to me) over time. What difficult for me is that I never got a "first chance" to change. In other words, she never told me what was wrong or told me what she expected or needed from me to make it work. She just assumed things couldn't get better and ended it. I did send her an e-mail with my thoughts on the night that it happened (that was before I got on here) which wasn't mean or argumentative, it was just an attempt to be constructive. I just feel like there's a lot I need to tell her about what I think I could do to improve things for her. If I don't tell her then she may never know.

 

My other problem is that I have so much of her around me and I don't know what to do with it. I'm not a big picture taker but she kind of was. As a result almost all the pictures I have of the last 4 years of my life are either pictures of us or pictures of something we did together. My pillowcases were a present that she made for me, I have an incredible duvet she made for me a few anniversaries ago (satin on side for warm nights, cotton on the other for cold nights), along with books that were presents, and other things. My computer has a lot of stuff of hers also. Her creative writing, little drawings she left for me on mspaint, internet links (although I already deleted the one to the company that made the engagement ring I was considering), etc. I don't know what to do with everything. If I keep it, its a constant reminder, but if I get rid of it it'll be gone forever and if we did get back together I think that'd be pretty hurtful to her. So I'm not sure what to do about that.

[adamt]

Bismark776, I can relate to some of what you wrote.

 

What was she stressed about.

 

Outside pressures can change people and cause them to detach and grow apart. they can look at their life differently and want to take a different path. You are only 23 and maybe she changed throught he stress and just wasnt ready to settle down and wants to get out there and do lots of things first.

 

I know how you feel when you say she never gave you a chance to change things. She probably wanted to split up for a while and so once she tells you her mind is made up. It is so frustrating when a dumper will sit on issues until they are ready to move on.

 

Best thing give both yourselves a bit of time and space to let things settle. See if she gets intouch. However it sounds like she has been thinking about splitting up for while so tha chances of winning her back are slim.

 

When you look back in a couple of months you may see warning signs she gave out she was ready to leave. Please dont blame yourself, it is not all your fault that she didnt tell you about issues she had.

 

So what you want to do now is leave her be, get back intouch with all old friends and force yourself to get out and about. Talk through your feelings with friends and family but resist all urges to ring her up to try to fix things. take up some hobbies and go join a gym.; it is hard at first but push yourself to get busy

[Bismark776]

Well she e-mailed me explaining, in terms equally vague to what she used when she ended it, why it had to end. I responded (does this qualify as breaking NC?) explaining that I would be going NC and that is wasn't out of anger or resentment but necessity. I told her that we couldn't be friends and that if she ever wanted to get back together she would have to initiate it. Finally, I wished her well and told her to send a proxy to pick up the things she left behind and to not come herself.

 

I feel pretty good about it all I think. She knows whats going on and why. She knows the terms and requirements for initiating contact and I won't have to see, hear, or read from her again unless reconciliation is ahead. Shes not the type to string me along, keep me in reserve, or try to control me so I'm not concerned about her pulling what I've read about a lot of dumpers doing.

[Bismark776]

Ok so another day. I guess the hardest part for me right now is the night time. During the day, I don't know if its a chemical effect of the sun or what but during the day I'm mostly ok. It still hurts but I can function just fine. Once its dark outside though I'm overcome by this incredible loneliness. In fact, I haven't been able to sleep in the bedroom since it happened. I go in there, its silent and dark, I get into the big bed (we had a bought a queen in preparation for her move in), and I am just lost. The loneliness is both overpowering and terrifying. My heart literally starts racing and I panic. I've been sleeping in the living room each night with the TV on as some form of company, staying up late talking to old friends on instant messenger until they have to go to sleep for work. I'm just not sure how to cope with this, I'm so tempted to call up female friends to keep me company through the night (not in a sexual role but definetly in a physically comforting role) and I know that that probably wouldn't really help and it could lead down a bad road between them and me. Anyone else experience this and what do/did you do about it?

[faithful14]

I used to have to my best friends come over to my house till late in the morning or have them sleepover for a little while. And to distract myself, I bought The Office Seasons 1-4and I honestly believe it cured me. I laughed all the time and I started to forget why I was upset in the first place.

 

So whether its talking to friends on the phone or on AIM, just keep doing whatever will distract you through the night. Eventually, you will start to feel better and begin to sleep at night. Also hit the gym hard and you will pass out soon afterwards (worked for me).

[adamt]

Try to get out of the house in an evening. It was driving me crazy stuck in the house on an evening. All i did was check her facebook for updates and emails. So i decided to join the gym and go most midweek nights now. it breaks up the evening. i come in from work, eat a snack watch a bit of tv for 1 hour, go to the gym for 2 hours,shower there, use teh spa and sauna and swim then come back and eat, watch some tv for about 90 minutes. read a book for 30 minutes then i am ready for sleep. you need to start gettin gbusy on evenings outside the house.