Elektro Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Hey, not posted in this part of ENA before, spent the last 4 months dealing with being cheated on by a girl i adored and treated accordingly. I was then replaced with the guy she cheated with after enforcing NC with my ex, that relationship only lasted 4 months but i fell for her, and she hurt me more than any girl ever has. anyway, thats another story, this isnt about her. There is someone else, i have known her for 2 years now and we work together. Over that 2 years we have become pretty close and spend pretty much every lunchtime together with lots of emails in work too, we also socialise quite a lot out of work too. We have loads in common and are always laughing and messing around! She is beautiful, caring, kind, selfless, funny intelligent, worldly and basically someone who often makes me feel like i should be a better person. She is everything my ex who cheated on me wasnt in terms of personality! But with these attributes comes consequences when you are friends with her and also happen to be a heterosexual male! Yes thats right, as we say in the UK, i fancy the pants off her!!! (we will call my ex who cheated sarah and my work "friend" kim for the purpose of this post) But surprise surprise kim has a boyfriend, they have been together 7 years (she is 25, i am 30) since she was 18, and they live together. Being such close friends with her has been one of the hardest things i have had to deal with, but i have done really well, and maintained the close friendship only slipping up twice over 2 years by hinting that i like her more than friends. Both times it was basically greeted by her with, "why do you like me like that? I moan at you all the time blah blah, ok shall you and i cool things off?" but in a nice way and she had more words than that. To give you an idea, kim regularly asked me out for drinks post work, just us two. She hardly ever talked about her bf and when she does its not in a good light. New starters in work thought me and kim were together as when we socialised with work the dynamic between us was often a bit like a couple, as in we bought drinks for two all the time etc... people label me her "work boyfriend" But when i met sarah last christmas, it was such a relief to find someone i liked a lot but who was single cos i had spent too much time pining after kim, things moved fast with sarah and within weeks i was "in love" as was she apparently, finally i wasnt thinking about kim all the time, i had a girlfriend who i adored! But thats when things changed with kim... she started behaving differently, all my fellow work friends noticed, she became much more clingy to me and one night she broke down in front of me when we were out with work over christmas. It was the first time i had seen her cry and she said it was just stress, then left as her bf picked her up. At my birthday night out in february my gf sarah at the time couldnt be there as she was out of town, but Kim came out and wouldnt leave me alone all night, like literally i was her territory, many friends asked me that night what was going on with her?! So that wasnt just me noticing! They all noticed how she was acting towards me... My friendship with kim changed when i was with sarah, we obviously didnt text as much or have drinks after work as much, as that would have been a little inapropriate as i was with sarah. Kim also became a little snappy with me in work, her behaviour changed... But when sarah broke my heart back in april, kim was there for me, she was amazing and talked to me about the whole thing for hours... she was the best! As my heart was so torn up over sarah, i also thought i was over Kim and that we could finally just be friends in my eyes. I think i might have been wrong and now i feel like its a case of out of the frying pan into the fire... again! I am still hurting from what Sarah did, but i am a lot better than a few months back. However, things are starting to get back to how they were with kim now its over with sarah, we text a lot and she has asked me out for drinks after work 3 times last week. On thursday night she was telling me how she thinks she has wasted an element of her youth by being in a relationship since being 18, she also cant seem to look me in the eye these days and is asking a lot about my past relationship etc and what i want now. She was telling me how she hasnt had enough intimacy with different people, and the fact that she has been in a serious relationship for 7 years was obviously on her mind. Basically, do you guys think that she has feelings for me? Dont get me wrong, i know what its like to be cheated on so i would never make a move on her, plus i may get rejected anyway! But am i imagining that this girl likes me? I think that she does, but i also know how selfless she is so she wouldnt want to break up with her bf for fear of upsetting him. Her bf also has a very well paid job so she is set up for life with him if she wants, why risk rocking the boat? I think its too big of a risk for her... Or does this girl just appreciate me a lot as a friend? Does she just care about me a hell of a lot as a friend? Link to comment
needadvice911 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 she is definitely feeling you. the fact that shes asking you about your past relationships and telling you how she wasted her youth not experiencing sex with other men is a big sign. Its like saying hello * * * * ME... lol she wants you and she is definitly falling for you also she got protective of you and jealous when you had a girlfriend and was probably relieved and happy when sarah left you.. so that she could have you for herself. Link to comment
Elektro Posted August 22, 2009 Author Share Posted August 22, 2009 thanks needadvice... if i know anything, i know that she has me right back where she wants me, even if she doesnt like me enough to do anything about it, i think she is pleased to have me back there as a single guy in her life who is at least an option for a way out for her! I know that she knows i like her! But things dont let up with how close we are... I dont really want to be her chump anymore though, as much as i care about her and like spending time with her, i hate that she goes home to her bf and i go home alone! Link to comment
needadvice911 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 thanks needadvice... if i know anything, i know that she has me right back where she wants me, even if she doesnt like me enough to do anything about it, i think she is pleased to have me back there as a single guy in her life who is at least an option for a way out for her! I know that she knows i like her! But things dont let up with how close we are... I dont really want to be her chump anymore though, as much as i care about her and like spending time with her, i hate that she goes home to her bf and i go home alone! You said it correctly. That is exactly how it is. She wants you for herself and I guaranteed if you started to change your ways like not listening to her problems about her boyfriend and giving less of your time she would be livid! Its not fair for her to have 2 men all to herself. And now she is warming up to having sex with you. The more she sees you with other women, and the more she sees you investing your emotions in someone else the more she is going to jump to having sex with you. She wants her cake and eat it too... sorry, i typed this really quick. Link to comment
arcadefire Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I feel like if she likes you enough, she would break up with her bf to date you. It's a difficult situation to be in, but I would just keep the status quo for now. No good flirting with a girl who has a bf! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Would you really want to have her as YOUR gf, the gf who goes out with another single guy all the time to vent her insecurities and releationship woes??? She's doing it now, so why would she be any differnt with you? Unless you want the hookup and you have no feelings invested in her [you do, don't you!!?] then go ahead, hookup and be the man who helped her cheat. Otherwise, right now you ARE helping her cheat emotionally and socially on her BF. Change you scenery. No more kims, no more sarash!!! Link to comment
cruzer Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Hey, not posted in this part of ENA before, spent the last 4 months dealing with being cheated on by a girl i adored and treated accordingly. I was then replaced with the guy she cheated with after enforcing NC with my ex, that relationship only lasted 4 months but i fell for her, and she hurt me more than any girl ever has. anyway, thats another story, this isnt about her. I think the fact you posted this first thing, means your not even ready to be in something else. She has a boyfriend, you need to back off, that is unless u want to start dating her, only for her to find another man and cheat on you. Let her make any moves, you work on getting over your ex and being cheated on, if in the meantime this girl makes a move, then go from there. Link to comment
Elektro Posted August 22, 2009 Author Share Posted August 22, 2009 thanks for all your words guys, for the record, i have no intention of making any moves on her, i am also pretty sure that if anything ever were to happen between us, it would not be until things were well and truly over with her bf. Dont think she is capable of cheating and i have no desire whatsoever to be "that guy"... Just wanted an external point of view really as to whether she likes me more than a friend... I have dealt with being her friend for over 2 years now, im used to dealing with it! She would need to start the ball rolling if anything were to happen. In the meantime, yes i am still pretty cut up ovee my ex and how she treated me, right now i need to get my head in the right place over that and myself, thats the priority! Its just a nice distraction to know that kim may like me more than just friends... Just maybe! Link to comment
ellandroader Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 Elektro, You know me too well as I know you also but I have to agree with Lonewing on this one too. I know you're a decent lad who wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone but approaching this girl would kind of repeat the situation you found yourself in and whether this boyfriend of hers is good or right for her or not, that's her battle to do and whilst she may want an escape, I feel that it could be just that and nothing more, not when they are together. Female friends of mine have sought comfort in their relationships and then come to me but you have to ask if it is to aid their own doubts and insecurities as opposed to a desire to actually wanting to be with you. I don't think you are imagining what you are seeing though. It is probably accurate but the proof is in the pudding - if she wants you and you want her, then she will leave him then pursue something with you. That said, it is a great feeling to be wanted and desired and appreciated but right now, I would say the conclusion that you would both want would be very different to one another's. Just my 2p anyway. I know you wouldn't make a move here but this is how I would see the situation too. Link to comment
Elektro Posted August 23, 2009 Author Share Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks dan, you are right and i would never do anything to jeopardise her relationship, as you say, the proof is in the pudding and even though she may feel something for me, it still could be nowhere near enough to warrant ending a 7 year relationship! Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks dan, you are right and i would never do anything to jeopardise her relationship, as you say, the proof is in the pudding and even though she may feel something for me, it still could be nowhere near enough to warrant ending a 7 year relationship! For sure man. Go read the thread on what happens when you are the voice of comfort for someone else's SO. Feelings get transferred people get hurt. Don't be that guy! No way man. Link to comment
cazmoore Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 I think everyone's pretty much said everything that I wanted to say, or thought of. I can understand how you feel, but how she's acting towards you while she's been with her boyfriend is wrong. She's bored in her relationship, and she flirts with you and hangs out with you because something in her relatinship is missing and her boyfriend isn't fulfilling something that she wants. Be it emotional support or what not. And, you know, people can say what they want, but generally when women act like that, it's because something's up in their relationship. Any person who is generally happy, and has good communication with their SO, don't do those kinds of things. It's insecurity. I've been in that situation before, where I was that girl at work.. I was unhappy and going out for drinks. I never wanted to date my coworker. We got along really well, but I knew he liked me and he was kinda building my ego. I wouldn't ever leave my boyfriend for him though.. I had heard from another co-worker that he had said about me, "Well if Caz wasn't with Jimmy, I think we'd be dating" Ummm.. no, we wouldn't. I like him as a friend, and he makes me feel good when my boyfriend didn't, and that's all that it was. You need to move on and away from this. This girl knows what she's doing to you and it's not right. Link to comment
Elektro Posted August 23, 2009 Author Share Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks for the insight, im not in a position to move away from the "friendship" but i now know my boundaries, which i didnt really know before what happened with me ex earlier in the year. So i got something out of that mess!! So now im going to cool things off with work girl a bit, maybe not go out for drinks so often, she needs to know im just a friend and not "that guy" she could be with if she wanted. No thanks! Link to comment
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