Is this worth pursuing?

[device04]

Hi,

 

Bear with me, but here's my situation.

 

I met this girl online and we exchanged a couple e-mails before deciding to meet.

 

1st date: We had a coffee "date" on a Saturday evening that also included some strolling around the neighborhood and lasted about 2 hours. I asked if I could call her sometime, she agreed.

 

2nd date: The following Tuesday we have a dinner date after work. We stroll through the park afterwards and I walk her home. Again, conversation is great, and I tell her I'll give her a call in a few days.

 

3rd date: I call her Friday to try and make plans for the weekend. She's working and says she'll get back to me. She suggests a movie for Sat. night so we make plans for dinner and movie. Again, great date, we cuddle at the movie. Night ends with a little kissing. She texts me the next day to hang out but I can't due to family obligations.

 

4th date: I end up seeing her the next Wednesday. We grab take-out at her place and watch a movie. I end up staying the night.

 

Sounds great right? Not so fast......

 

Since then, I have talked to her a couple times on the phone, we e-mailed some, but haven't seen her. I tried to set up plans for this past Saturday (3 days after the 4th date) but she has been working late (1:30am Friday, all day Saturday until we talked at 8:30pm) and extensively (tax accountant at Big 4 firm) and says she's "not feeling well" and not up for anything. I call her again to setup a dinner date for Tuesday this week. She says she'll call me Tuesday afternoon to set definite time/place near her office. I end up getting an email Tuesday that says "Hi, I'm honestly not up for dinner tonight. I'm really sorry. Good luck with your upcoming changes." (I'm starting a new job Monday and moving to a new place soon). She doesn't make any suggestions for future plans. I write her back telling her it's alright, I understand and hope work gets better for her. I don't suggest anything or say that I will call her. No response since. This was Tuesday evening and it's now Friday.

 

So, I do really enjoy the time I've spent with this girl and am interested in seeing where this is going. We get along great in-person but her e-mails are always very impersonal and brief, perhaps a by-product of her work environment. So now, I'm not really sure how to proceed. Does her "canceling" the last two times mean she's really not that interested anymore and I just wait for her to get in touch with me? Or do I try one last time to make plans since she does have a very busy work schedule and the problem has been that I'm not firm about plans when I ask (ie. this time I would need to suggest an exact plan of action)? I don't want to seem desperate, but also don't want to seem disinterested if in fact she's too busy with work and is hoping I'll make a firm call again.

 

Any advice is appreciated!

[savignon]

Since she's been "not up for it" twice now, I'd wait until she calls you when she's less busy. As an outsider, it sounds like a blow-off, especially since she didn't suggest another date/time or say that she'd like to catch up soon or chat on the phone or anything that indicated seeing you or talking again.

As for "why", I have no idea. If she's interested, she'll get in touch again.

I don't buy the whole "I'm too busy" thing...we're all busy and we all make time for the things we really want to do.

[TechResQ]

Hmmm...I think one more email/text/phone call is warranted. If she isn't interested at all, you will definitely get a vibe. She could truly just be that busy.

 

But, yeah, I would give it one more try and put the ball in her court.

 

Good luck!

[mr.mac]

Agreed. My GF was like this early on. She didn't cancel plans, but she was very non-committal about things and it was hard on me. If this girl is worth sticking around for then you should be patient with her, but if she's playing games you have to look out for your best interests. And a game player is no good for anything serious.

[device04]

Since she's been "not up for it" twice now, I'd wait until she calls you when she's less busy. As an outsider, it sounds like a blow-off, especially since she didn't suggest another date/time or say that she'd like to catch up soon or chat on the phone or anything that indicated seeing you or talking again.

As for "why", I have no idea. If she's interested, she'll get in touch again.

I don't buy the whole "I'm too busy" thing...we're all busy and we all make time for the things we really want to do.

 

As the insider, it still sounds like a blow-off, but my over-analytical self also wonders if it's just that work is just really taking it out of her, which I can understand (to a degree).

 

Hmmm...I think one more email/text/phone call is warranted. If she isn't interested at all, you will definitely get a vibe. She could truly just be that busy.

 

But, yeah, I would give it one more try and put the ball in her court.

 

Good luck!

 

Do girls really view text/email/phone in different lights? I agree that usually you will get a vibe, but with this girl, she's really hard to read as she can be very short over email/text, okay through phone, but then very friendly and joking in person. In the end, just causes more confusion on my end.

 

Agreed. My GF was like this early on. She didn't cancel plans, but she was very non-committal about things and it was hard on me. If this girl is worth sticking around for then you should be patient with her, but if she's playing games you have to look out for your best interests. And a game player is no good for anything serious.

 

I think maybe part of my problem is I'm not positive that she's worth sticking around for, but I also have a hard time just dropping someone. How did you eventually decide she was worth working for?

[jul-els]

She doesn't seem to be showing a great deal of interest. I would move on.

[device04]

So I took the leap and sent her a text, sort of a final volley: "Hi ___. I hope work has calmed down and you'll be able to have a relaxing weekend. I've really enjoyed getting to know you recently and would love to see you again next week if your schedule allows. Let me know what works best for you."

 

She replies with "Hey there, Good to hear from you. My siblings are in town for the weekend and we are thinking of going to Chinatown 4 dinner. Any recs?"

 

Doesn't even touch on my asking if she wants to meet up next week. Kind of have to chuckle to myself over it, I suppose. I'm thinking this means she's really just not interested anymore but also doesn't have the stones to just say it.

[WildIrishRose]

This may be the case. I think she wants to hear from you because she asked you to recommend places to go to in Chinatown. If you are interested in her, text her back and if you can, recommend some places.

 

She also said it was good to hear from you.

[device04]

Okay, that is a positive spin on it. But the "good to hear from you" seems like it could just be really cordial to say. As for asking for recommendations, it just seems off that she just completely brushes off what I had to say. I suppose I can tell her some spots I like (yes, I am one of those too-nice guys), but at the same time, I sort of feel like I'm being used, you know?

[WildIrishRose]

I hear you. You know best what's going on. It's good that you took a chance. Don't ask her about going out again next week. She knows that you invited her, and the ball is in her court to respond to that invitation. Just recommend some places to go to for Chinatown.

 

Then once you recommend places, watch for her response. If she say's thank you, then that's good because she appreciates it. Men like to help when the are appreciated. If they are not appreciated, then they understandably feel used.

[device04]

Well, I guess here's a positive light.

 

I decided I would at least wait to respond to her text, and about an hour after her first one, she wrote "P.s. Yes I'd like if we can see each other when my schedule slows down ". So I gave her my recommendations, and I teased her back about whether her schedule would ever slow down, and she wrote "I'm sure my schedule will permit your presence at some point."

 

I guess that's something, even though there's no indication from her of really wanting to set a date to meet up. Anyway, I agree the ball is definitely in her court now.

[WildIrishRose]

That's good news.

[savignon]

"I'm sure my schedule will permit your presence at some point."

Ewww....I don't like that.

"at some point" is very vague and "permit your presence" is snotty at best....even if she's pretending to be joking.

[anonguy77]

Agree with Savignon, I think this chick is playing you buddy. She just likes the attention but doesn't seem that into you. Maybe you could change her mind but I'm more than a little skeptical. I get the sense from the way she's been interacting/not interacting with you that she's just stringing you along. How hard is it to acknowledge someone. If you feel you are being used it is because you are being used. She's probably a serial dater and knows exactly how to make respectable men into whimpering schmucks. Sorry, but it's what I think.

[tretneo]

I am going through something very similar and I am also debating over what to do at this point. I hope all works out for you Good luck!

[device04]

Thanks for all the advice, thoughts, and good vibes.

 

I agree that her messages can be sort of pompous at times, but it's also hard to tell how much someone is joking over written messages. I don't think she's a serial dater as you suggest, but can't disagree with the fact that she probably enjoys the attention she's gotten from me.

 

I've tried to just take it all in stride and stay positive about everything. If she calls, then I'll give it more thought about the way she interacts with me and also her work life being a major blockade in her personal life. If she doesn't call, then I have my answers. Tretneo, good luck with your situation as well.

 

I'll just continue to get out and meet more people, and see what happens!