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When to transition from exclusiveness to a relationship


heartbroken84

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I have been communicating with someone since July 10, dating/seeing eachother since July 19. After our 4th date we became intimate and prior to that I made it clear that I wanted to be exclusive (ie. we're seeing each other only. I have seen him at least 9-10 times so far. We have great chemistry, mutual attraction, and have a good time.

 

He's been away in Spain for a week. He returns on August 25th. If he chooses to see me after he returns...when is the best time to transition from being exclusive to a relationship? I would also like to have a discussion about what we are looking for in a relationship and can realistically offer each other right now.

 

I am totally open to seeing where this goes, I can't guarantee anything, but if he wants to take a chance, that would be cool.

 

When would be a good time to talk about relationship? I feel like we have seen each other enough to know where this is going...and I would rather be alone that be with someone who doesn't have an idea of where this would be going or who would not be able to commit to a relationship.

 

Advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

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Given it's already been over a month, you would definitely not project yourself as weird if you brought up being exclusive with him. It was a good move not to bring anything up before his trip and probably a good idea not to smother him immediately folllowing his return. Let him settle in, give it a week, and next time you guys are in a relaxed setting for the night, bring up the topic. Throw in some booze into the equation if you feel tension for this talk... don't get too tipsy though, obviously.

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You guys are exclusive and you've only known each other for a little more than a month. What else do you need right now? It appears to me that you already have a burgeoning relationship. If you want to get an idea of where the relationship is going, you could start by asking him some open ended questions. Things like what are you looking for in a relationship. But I wouldn't press him too quickly after returning. If you start asking about "us," he might see you as needy and moving too fast. That move wouldn't get you the answer you're looking for...

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I agree, we are in a burgeoning relationship. Good questions are: What are you looking for in a relationship?

 

Because I already know what I am looking for, so I will get to see if our expectations/needs/wants align.

 

I shall give it time. I am defintely not needy (I am happy with my life, love/respect myself and open to a relationship-albeit a healthy one) I just don't want to waste time or be around someone who just wants a trophy girl/a "good time". I'd rather be alone than just be "a good time". But I am willing to invest some of my time for for something good-and be hopeful.

 

Thanks for the reminders, it's always good to hear.

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Being excluisve does not entirely mean that you are in a relationship. You could be exclusively dating until you figure out where the the two of you are going. Which is why I asked for advice for transitioning to a relationship. A discussion will be necessary, but I asked when would be a good time. Thanks.

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i thought exclusiveness is a relationship?

 

exclusively dating? wth is that? you are still just dating.

 

exclusive = it's out of the bag, we are together and we both agree we are. we label it bf/gf or whatever. we know where we stand.

 

sounds like you are comfortable enough to want to know, i'd bring it up.

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Exclusively dating is a term that mean: Dating one other person and only them at a time until you both decide to take it to the next level-committed relationship. Meaning they cannot be romantically/physically involved with someone else whilst they are seeing you.

 

It gives one the ability to get a feel (haha if you know what I mean) for the other person before you jump into a full on relationship.

 

There is no need to call it a relationship just because you're having sex. You can have sex and date-see if there is chemistry/communication in the bedroom which is important to me. Dating exclusively is great cause you know they best not be screwing around with other folks.

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i thought exclusiveness is a relationship?

 

exclusively dating? wth is that? you are still just dating.

 

exclusive = it's out of the bag, we are together and we both agree we are. we label it bf/gf or whatever. we know where we stand.

 

sounds like you are comfortable enough to want to know, i'd bring it up.

 

pretty much.

 

'you're not my bf, but you can't date anyone else!'

 

um. no.

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Seriously, if you're not going to be helpful, please don't comment. You can keep your condeceding comments to yourself. I understand this is an open forum for advice- it would be nice to get comments from those who are open-minded and understanding-and experienced. Ciao.

 

It was not condescending. I was joking. Kick back. I am experienced. I still have never exclusively dated someone that wasn't my boyfriend. If I'm exclusive with a guy, he's my boyfriend.

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Exclusively dating is a term that mean: Dating one other person and only them at a time until you both decide to take it to the next level-committed relationship. Meaning they cannot be romantically/physically involved with someone else whilst they are seeing you.

 

It gives one the ability to get a feel (haha if you know what I mean) for the other person before you jump into a full on relationship.

 

There is no need to call it a relationship just because you're having sex. You can have sex and date-see if there is chemistry/communication in the bedroom which is important to me. Dating exclusively is great cause you know they best not be screwing around with other folks.

 

nobody is being condescending, but i do think this is your own personal definition of what exclusivity is. the only thing you defined is not having sex with anyone else.

 

i do find it condescending that you don't agree with the posts here, but you don't have to laugh at them for trying to help you figure this out. you asked, we gave. nobody is trying to belittle you.

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That is wonderful! Your definition, not mine You're telling me to kick back and that you were joking. Please re-read your comment. I don't see a just kidding. do you realize that it is difficult to differentiate whether a person is joking or not through online communication? I get jokes, but please be mindful.

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OP, the thing about asking for advice here is that no one can give you a magical answer that is, hands down, absolutely the "right" answer. 99% of the advice given on ENA stems from everyone's personal opinions and experiences. Meaning, just because you don't agree with someone's post doesn't mean they're not really trying to help or that they're being condescending. How would we have any idea how to help you without sharing what we've come to find from our own experiences? I think that's all Scorpion Fury was doing, was sharing an opinion she thought might provide you with some insight.

 

Anyways, back on topic: have you established with this person what the difference between "exclusive" and "relationship" is? I assume you've talked about it, or you wouldn't be here asking for advice...but what do YOU view as the transition? What do you see as the difference? I think knowing what your view on this is is important to us really being able to give you advice you could use...

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Being excluisve does not entirely mean that you are in a relationship. You could be exclusively dating until you figure out where the the two of you are going. Which is why I asked for advice for transitioning to a relationship. A discussion will be necessary, but I asked when would be a good time. Thanks.

 

 

And, where did you get this information?

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Add me into the crowd that agrees that being "exclusive" is in a relationship. I always thought the two terms were interchangeable. I guess I don't quite follow what other steps there could be? Testing the waters, and then move on to being exclusive. If you're only seeing each other, isn't that exactly what it is? Seeing each other?

 

Personally, if I had agreed to be exclusive with a girl, and then a few weeks later she asked if I was interested in being in a relationship, I'd be a little confused, and a little put off. Even at this stage, it's so early, I'd be put off if she asked where I saw this relationship going. If you can't tell what kind of relationship he's interested in by now, then I guess I don't know what to tell you.

 

Typically, people agree to be exclusive because they're interested in finding a person they want to spend a long time with. Sure there are people out there that are different, but don't you think you'd be able to tell if your guy was interested in "just a good time"?

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Personally, if I had agreed to be exclusive with a girl, and then a few weeks later she asked if I was interested in being in a relationship, I'd be a little confused, and a little put off.

 

I agree with this 100%. At this point, OP, I think the best way to go about it is to explain to him that when you agreed to be exclusive, you weren't sure exactly what it meant and ask if he considers the two of you to be in a relationship. It's as easy as that. If he's agreed to be exclusive but he doesn't want a relationship with you, then something is terribly wrong. So as far as when you should bring it up, do it the next time you see him. The longer you drag it out the more confused he could end up by the time you mention it, as aldridal was kinda saying.

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Thanks aldridal for you post. I understand your perspective.

 

and pinkrobot thanks for the advice.

 

I will definitely talk to him after he gets back from Spain. Of course after he has settled and contacted me. I still want to go on a few dates to see if things are still the same. I have had several people come back totally different from trips out of the US.

 

I will explain that my definition of exclusiveness means not dating other people. Meaning he is my type and definitely what I am looking for, I just wanted to see if I was right so I am not going to date anyone else. And I will tell him that I have given it thought I would like to take it to the next level- a relationship with him. I'll just ask him what his thoughts are. I'll be honest and just casual. Plus I have to tell him about a personal medical condition that I have which may or may not be important to him. But I feel like honesty is the best policy. I actually dated a guy who asked if I had any medical conditions on the first date...not exactly something I want to disclose on the first date if its not life threatening. But yeah. I definitely need to clear up the air very soon or else it would be very selfish of me and unfair.

 

Nothing to lose. If anything I'll take this as a learning experience to be more clear and say I would like to exclusively date you and see if we want to eventually be in a relationship together? Something like that.

 

But thanks again. I have a better understanding that this exclusive talk can be perceived in different ways.

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I will explain that my definition of exclusiveness means not dating other people. Meaning he is my type and definitely what I am looking for, I just wanted to see if I was right so I am not going to date anyone else. And I will tell him that I have given it thought I would like to take it to the next level- a relationship with him. I'll just ask him what his thoughts are.

 

Hum, I'm still trying to figure out what is your definition of a relationship? You mentioned in one of your posts a "committed relationship." Are you talking about getting engaged?

 

I also still agree with the other posters. When you agree to be exclusive, you are BF/GF and you are in a relationship. Certainly a young relationship, but a relationship by our definition. I don't think we know exactly what you mean...you defined exclusiveness, but what does the "next level" involve?

 

In any event, I would ask only open ended questions at this point. One of the posts mentioned asking "where do you see this going?" No way I would ask something like that so soon. It's too specific - you're just starting a relationship with each other, and you're doing it exclusively so you will only focus on each other and not anyone else. You guys are just still getting to know each other. Who could give a thoughtful answer to that question at this point?

 

By open ended questions...maybe think of them as philosophical. "What are you looking for in a relationship?" That should give you a meaningful and thoughtful answer. If he has his act together, he should have known the answer to that question before he even met you. His answers should be something like, maybe he sees himself being married in 2 years, or 5 years or maybe he doesn't want to ever be married. Good stuff for you to know, but you aren't scaring him by making him feel like you're trying to pin him down with heavy questions about "us" so early. Does that make sense?

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