racism & bigotry

[onthebound]

let me preface this by saying, for those who don't already know, i pretty much despise my mother's boyfriend and his entire family, as well as most of their friends. they are a tactless, bigoted and uncultured bunch of idiots.

 

most importantly, they're racist. i don't know how i'm supposed to deal with that. i apparently don't have a choice about being around them, but i don't know how to process all the remarks they make. EVERY single time i'm around one or more of them, there is some sort of racist remark and I'M the weirdo for being offended by it. a couple nights ago, some of them came down here (i live in my mother's beach house so they are allowed to come and go as they please -- fun!) and we were playing a game called taboo. someone gets a word and has to describe it to the other person so they can guess it. this one girl's word was "cotton", and her description was "negros used to pick it!". who the f says negros? the last time they were down here, one of the boyfriend's daughters started going on about how most crime can be blamed on the black population. this is the kind of stuff i have to deal with and i don't know how to. i've become pretty good at playing nice when i have to, but this i'm stumped on.

 

should i say something? i don't want to make any waves, but i don't know how much more of these stupid remarks i can take before i slap somebody. i was thinking about sending out an e-mail saying that it really bothers me and asking them to watch their mouths around me.. but i'm afraid that might be a mistake or something. i don't know. plus the boyfriend's son (who wants to act like he's a professional photographer, but wants me to teach him everything he doesn't know [aka: everything]) wants to move to the beach now. these people are going to drive me absolutely crazy lol.

 

help.

[greywolf]

What's their race?

[onthebound]

my mom's boyfriend is white (irish mostly) and his 3 kids are half that and half korean.. and all of their friends are white. i have known these people for nearly 6 years and i have never seen any of them date or befriend someone who wasn't white.

[GrottoNymph]

i apparently don't have a choice about being around them, but i don't know how to process all the remarks they make.

 

Sure you have a choice. Let's see - what are your options?

-tell them you are offended and ask them to stop

-talk to your mother about letting them come and go as they please to your residence (there should be more boundaries on this matter, it seems)

-stand up to them and tell them that you believe their comments are racist and that you disagree and feel that racism and hate speech are wrong and are not welcome in your residence

-move out and stay away from those people

 

....I am SURE you can think of more options. You have a LOT of choices, actually. Each different choice comes with different consequences, so you need to decide what you would rather live with - their resentment toward you for speaking up or their racist comments? Them trapesing through your home whenever they please or your privacy, even if it means they are pissed at you?

No matter what you do, someone is gonna be unhappy - whether it is you or them. So what is more important to you?

[Shudder]

wait so your mom's bf has 3 half white/korean kids and he's racist?

 

kinda lost lol

[Cognitive_Canine]

Saying anything won't actually make them realize they are wrong.

 

They'll most likely just alienate you.

 

I'd just avoid them and thank go you know better than that.

[onthebound]

actually i really don't have a choice. my mother is about to go in for a mastectomy and needs my help while she's recovering, so i've promised to stay up there for a bit and help her. she lives with the boyfriend and his son. i have been out of work for medical reasons myself, so she's been helping me out by letting me stay here. i figured it's only fair that i suck it up for a little while and help her out too, and it's pretty much been established that they'll be down here whether i like it or not.

 

i do intend to move out eventually, but unfortunately that's not in the cards for me at the moment. i have no place else to go. i guess i could send them an e-mail and say that it offends me and ask them to stop (though i've said it before), but i don't know that anything would change. if anything, i'm a little worried they might react harshly and make my stay up there in a couple weeks even less comfortable. i don't know. i guess it's worth a shot. if all else fails she could just stay down here with me until she recovers.

[onthebound]

wait so your mom's bf has 3 half white/korean kids and he's racist?

 

kinda lost lol

 

he may have previously married and had kids with a korean woman, but it doesn't stop him or his stupid family from hating on black people. or middle easterners, jews (which i happen to be), muslims, etc.

[onthebound]

lol

so i emailed 2 of the boyfriend's kids who've been down here recently. i told them some of the things they've said had offended me and asked that they be more careful in the future.

 

in reply, i was told me talking about my sexuality (i'm bisexual) has made some people uncomfortable and asked not to talk about it.

 

how is them making racial slurs/comments that hurt and offend me the same thing as them being made "uncomfortable" by me talking about my sexuality?

 

f that family. it took me 24 years to come out of the closet. i'm not going back in for anyone.

[Qut81]

I dont know whats worse...people who are "undercover" racists. They smile in your face but when they are in a group of their peers they make racial comments. Or people who are open about their feelings to another race.

 

At any rate, its a very sticky situation. If you do mention anything I will bet anything they will alienate you. Why dont you try talking to your mother about it first and then go from there?

[onthebound]

I dont know whats worse...people who are "undercover" racists. They smile in your face but when they are in a group of their peers they make racial comments. Or people who are open about their feelings to another race.

 

At any rate, its a very sticky situation. If you do mention anything I will bet anything they will alienate you. Why dont you try talking to your mother about it first and then go from there?

 

in theory, i would LOVE for them to alienate me. if they could just never come down here again, i'd be totally okay with that lol. in execution though, it's not really feasible considering i have to spend however long in their house to help take care of my mother.

 

so far the one daughter has at least tried to be diplomatic. aside from implying that i renounce my sexuality around them and their friends, she's been somewhat respectful in her replies to the email i sent out. i told her i'd be mindful of the content of my speech (ie: not getting too graphic or anything), but that i am not going back in the closet for anyone. she says she respects and understands my reply, but we'll see how things go. the son hasn't replied yet so hopefully his won't be any worse than hers, if he does reply at all.

[Qut81]

Well I couldve told you that if they are racist they prob dont approve of homosexuality. lol But it can be really frustrating, I know. One of my closest friends used to say racist stuff all the time. Like one time we to play pool and the waitress got my cousin and I our drinks, but forgot to bring hers. She said "You would think they would give me my drinks first since I am white" That was the way she was raised and didnt know any better. Funny part is that she is obssessed with hispanic men. lol Well, my cousin and I sat her down and had a talk with her and over time she has really done a 360. We are so proud of her.

 

My point is that racism is a learned trait. It takes someone or something to change their view. You should make them watch American History X. Great movie on the subject.

 

What does your mother say?

[onthebound]

i haven't brought my mother into this one yet. i have asked that she attempt to discourage the son from moving down here, but she's apparently already said he could if he wanted to. i haven't been working for medical reasons and have just recently been looking for jobs again, so i've not been able to contribute much at all to the utilities. she said if he wants to come down here and work and help with the bills, she's not going to stop him.

 

if this goes much further i think i'm going to consider looking at shelters. i love my mother and all, but if i have to live with one of these people i will lose even more of my mind than i already have.

[divainpain]

It sounds like these folks like to make derrogatory comments, but they don't seem to actually practice the hatred (which is the true essence of racism).

 

For example, would any of them alienate someone because of race or orientation?

 

Because it seems they are friendly to you.

 

Do you ever feel any hatred such as a 'hate stare'? or mostly silience with short abrupt often piercing replies delivering a 'I hate you' feel?

 

I certainly hope you don't have to attempt to live with an individual of this nature. It could be life threatening in ways you might never imagine.

 

If these folks aren't exhibiting the above, then it sucks but they truly are just joking and may not mind if someone joked about them the same way for their perceived traits.

[greywolf]

It sounds like these folks like to make derrogatory comments, but they don't seem to actually practice the hatred (which is the true essence of racism).

 

That was what I first thought when I read your post, OP. Some people have different humor than others. I've made plenty of racial slurs in my life, including derogatory comments about my own races and sexual orientation.

[onthebound]

It sounds like these folks like to make derrogatory comments, but they don't seem to actually practice the hatred (which is the true essence of racism).

 

For example, would any of them alienate someone because of race or orientation?

 

Because it seems they are friendly to you.

 

Do you ever feel any hatred such as a 'hate stare'? or mostly silience with short abrupt often piercing replies delivering a 'I hate you' feel?

 

I certainly hope you don't have to attempt to live with an individual of this nature. It could be life threatening in ways you might never imagine.

 

If these folks aren't exhibiting the above, then it sucks but they truly are just joking and may not mind if someone joked about them the same way for their perceived traits.

 

they absolutely would alienate someone for their differences. i've seen them do it. i think the only reason any of them even tries to be nice to me is because none of us has a choice about being around eachother on occasion. our parents have chosen to be in this messed up relationship and we're all just along for the ride.

 

my issue, though, isn't whether they hate me or not. my issue is the things they say. i'm not without a sense of humor. i make jokes at my expense all the time, for being a jew, bisexual, whatever.. but there is a line. and calling a black person a * * * * * * in a negative context crosses that line. so does making up stories about a doctor telling you that, and i quote, "black people have something about their jaw structure that makes them incapable of enunciating" -- direct quote from my mother's darling boyfriend. things like this are hateful, inappropriate and NOT FUNNY.

 

i just don't like to surround myself with people who think that crap is okay. it isn't 1950 anymore.

[Dating Coach]

To the OP, you aren't going to correct the evils and ills of the world any more than you are going to correct their behavior. Also, they are not going to respect your personal feelings as they already know how you feel about it, and it hasn't stopped.

 

Is it ignorant? Is it stupid? Is it lame? Yes, yes, yes. Should you let it build up resentment, anger, and frustration in you? No. What good does this do you? Roll your eyes and move on, unless you see them actually comitting this racism to someone. If they are in their own homes, whatever.

[Dating Coach]

I dont know whats worse...people who are "undercover" racists. They smile in your face but when they are in a group of their peers they make racial comments. Or people who are open about their feelings to another race.

 

EVERYONE is a racist to some degree. Anyone who says they do not prejudge anyone over anything ever is full of it.

[Qut81]

EVERYONE is a racist to some degree. Anyone who says they do not prejudge anyone over anything ever is full of it.

 

I dont believe everyone is racist. I do believe everyone is prejudice though. Theres a difference.

[divainpain]

I'll give an example of bigotry I experienced. I used to hang out with a group of progressive environmental hippy types that were constantly talking about 'one world, one love' ect... You get my drift. We were all good friends...until I told them I was Catholic.

 

Oh how things changed fast. Especially since some of them were feminists. The hate stare. The silient treatment with only short abrupt responses. I was pushed out of the group. And one of them told me I was buying into a male dominated institution.

 

So these people who supposedly are against racism and bigotry were actually the ones practicing it. And I don't think they realized their hypocricy.

 

That is also an example of how just about anyone can be a bigot in practice if they don't like a quality.

 

It could happen to you, could it?