Lunamoth Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Ok so I am in a LTR for about a year and a half total with a man that has never been in a LTR to this degree including has never lived with his SO, and this is his longest relationship. We have talked a lot about our problems and communication is getting better but things aren't seeming to get better... We are all unemployed(but he has a lot of projects) and we also have a room mate. All 3 of us went from having jobs and our own places to living here and unemployed, we both(me and the bf) go to college. After my last post we had a talk about his seeming distance from me and I do think he is having problems adjusting to this relationship with me living here and there is a lot of stress as well right now. He tried to explain his not spending time with me by asking me if I had done a lot of touristy things here to which I said some...and he said that he has done a few but knows that he can do more later and that thats how he feels about us/me. I tried to explain to him about how it feels like he is taking me for granted and in his comfort zone and that he shouldn't look at it like I will always be around...one day the touristy things that he hasn't done just may shut down and then where would he be? Hating himself for not doing them when he could have?!?! What if the unthinkable should happen and I die or something?!?! The other day I was in the room(he spends 12 plus hours in their on his computer) and I was telling him about my next term classes and he turned and stared doing something on Facebook, I calmly explained to him how that made me feel like what I had to say was unimportant and he snapped at me he also asked me in a sarcastic tone like he couldn't be bothered and I was taking up his time "Is that ALL you needed?" I got up shortly after and started to leave the room and when he asked why I told him how I felt and that if he was going to snap at me then I would leave him to do his stuff. He explained once again that he is not used to having me living here and feels like he needs his space. He has brought up a few times that he doesn't feel like even if he shut the door that he would have his space cause I would come in there, to which I replied that if he asked for alone time he would get it. last night we went to a concert with our room mate and I was having a good time but depressed about the fact that all of the other couples were holding hands or holding each other and kissing, he didn't even do that during the love songs... My bf has said that he doesn't like being affectionate in front of our room mate(whom is single) because he knows how he would feel if he saw other couples being lovey, it would depress him...he has used this a number of times when I have asked him to show more affection, and no I'm not needy, I get maybe a few pecks and a hug a day if that and we rarely cuddle, and only have sex maybe once a week if the room mate is gone and even then its hurried and rarely any foreplay. I have recommended date nights, walks and projects to get quality alone time, but have to ask for it he doesn't come to me. I don't think he knows how to be in a relationship or how to give freely of his time and he is rarely affectionate...this is really hard for me. Is it going to get any better? I would tend to think after a year and a half he would have adjusted to being in a relationship and would have learned to be more loving and giving of himself. I just don't know what I can do besides what I have and keep trying, but I'm getting exhausted of trying all the time and am starting to get cold on him and feel like we are too different and I'm loosing love for him cause I feel constantly hurt, taken for granted and not important. Any suggestions or opinions? Link to comment
waveseer Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 He needs to know that you are reaching your limits BEFORE you get there. Ask him to go somewhere with you alone and have a heart to heart. Link to comment
Lunamoth Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 I am really doubting my feelings & thoughts...and am hoping that I can change things and they will get better, he is a really good guy but...I need more than he is giving me... Does it seem like he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship or that I am being to picky or needy? or is this all normal that we are out of the honeymoon phase and I think there needs to be more??? Link to comment
waveseer Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Recognizing your needs is really great! Communicating them to your partner calmly and without judgment is even greater! Link to comment
yayimnotalone Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 aw... I hope things are better between you and your boyfriend now... I completely understand your feelings as I often feel the same in my relatioship. The space thing is really tough, but I think it must be tougher if he's inaffectionate Link to comment
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