I am so broken, and cant fix myself

[van_city]

its been 7 months since me and my ex broke up. Since then ive been extremely depressed, and havent been able to get over it.

 

Its like since the breakup she has completely forgotten me, ive been moved totally into the "ex" category, and shes completely happy with her new life. I on the other hand needed her to need me- as validation- i know i shouldnt have but i completely used her opinion of me to validate me and boost my confidence.

 

Anyways, i feel stuck, at the worst point in my life. I cant move on, im still stuck longing for what was. Ive tried all the conventional healing tips- like keeping myself busy, trying to meet new people, etc. But the thing is i dont have that much passion for life, and i dont connect to people. I have nothing to put my energy into, i feel like a failure more than ever. I hate the university program im in and im doing terrible in it because i was too depressed over the breakup to get good grades. Now they want to kick me out, and if i get kicked out ill have absolutely nothing in my life.

 

All i have right now is television and video games- im too depressed and apathetic to do anything, and even if i wasnt, i dont have any goals- i wouldnt know what to do with myself.

 

I know its terrible but im jealous of her- shes got her life together, shes so in love with life, shes meeting new people, working hard, knows exactly what she wants....and i literally cant cope with the fact that she doesnt want me.

 

I know these feelings are the farthest thing from love, but i need her to want me, and not want any other guy... i need her to think im amazing and need me.

 

I have to stop this destructive dependence on her thoughts of me but i have no idea how.

 

Every day i sit around at home depressed, ill check her twitter and facebook multiple times (indirectly, through other peoples walls, since i removed her as a friend).

 

7 months after the fact and i would still completely die if i found out she was with another guy.

 

Im seriously panicking because my life is falling apart- i have nothing, and i feel like i cant get out of this rut...please, any advice is appreciated.

[sunnyv]

just take one day at a time. its really hard i know it. but just take one day at a time and keep watching movies. work out, go for a walk. its not going to be easy but you will get through this. use ena as much as you can

[Broken312]

I wish I knew what I could say to make you feel better. How long was the relationship and how did it end? What is the last type of communication you had with her?

[dimnickel1980]

"I have to stop this destructive dependence on her thoughts of me but i have no idea how."

 

your post sounds very unhealthy. this breakup is hurting the rest of your life. you should prob seek professional help so you can get your life back. it's nothing to be ashamed about.. and it would help you.

[SpacyStacy]

I'm sorry, honey, I know what you're going through because I've been there myself. Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing that heals you is the passage of time, which can be agonizing, i know. If you look at any happy couple, though, chances are that at some point each of them was hurt by someone and felt they would ever love again.

 

It sounds as though you really don't like yourself very much. You need to work on that. What qualities do you possess that make you a great person? It sounds corny but if you take the time to write them down you may realize you're more than the broken person you see when you look in the mirror.

[SnowFox]

You might be clinically depressed at this point.

 

You will need to choose to fight against this and do the opposite of how you feel if you want to get better.

 

If you keep doing what you feel like doing, you will just drive yourself deeper and deeper into a hole.

 

Ideas of things you can do to start breaking yourself out of the negative feedback loop you are in are:

 

- force yourself to go out and do some form of exercise every day.

 

- force yourself to get up and out of the house at a certain time every morning- go to a coffee shop, go to the gym, go to the library, or go for a walk - something to get yourself out and taking action early in the day - the earlier the better - it helps to get exposed to sunlight early in the day - it helps with depression as well as improves sleep.

 

- force yourself to cut the number of hours per day that you are in front of a screen - gradually reduce the number of hours day by day. Listen to music, read a book, do household chores - anything different than sitting in front of a screen

 

- if you have any good friends, tell them you need them to drag you out and socialize

 

 

If you feel too immobilized to do any of those things, you might want to consider going to talk to a therapist - they can give you the support to make similar changes in your life.

 

Part of breaking out of depression involves changing our behaviors and patterns. You are currently stuck in patterns that only make you feel worse. In order to start feeling better, you will have to change the patterns.

 

The Beck Depression Inventory is a test you can take to assess if you are depressed. You can take it link removed.

 

If your score is moderate or high, you probably should consult with a therapist.

 

good luck!

[Charis1978]

you sound like me a few years ago - depressed. I actually had to drop out of UBC. Dont get upset when these self care strategies (i.e. distract yourself, friends) don't do the trick. In this situation, it rarely works. In fact if one more perky person told me to do that I was going to wallop them on the head with a rolled up newspaper. I think you need to work on self compassion (not being so hard on yourself). Yeah she got her life together and moved on but what kind of person leaves someone when they are suffering depression so she's not that great in my eyes. You will get your life together too. I swear I thought the same and felt the same things as you. In fact this could be my story. My advice would be to get some meds (antidepressants, sleeping pills) for the depression and try to exercise. Also talking to a therapist sometimes helps. Also dont give up on yourself. I make the mistake ofcrawling under my covers and watching tv all day and it just ends up getting worse until your in the hospital for severe depression. When your ready stop checking those twitter/fb things...it only punishes you more leaving you more miserable. My heart really goes out to you. If you want to personally msg me feel free to do so.

[eonsunshine]

hi van_city, i feel your pain. I am in same situation my ex have moved on and I just sit around beating myself up and feeling miserable. many advice ENA said to go out with friend and I have no friends, most of my friends are mutual friends and they already have family, while my ex can develop a lot of new friends. Sorry I can not suggest on how to deal with your depression but I would suggest that you try very hard to concentrate on your study and try not to get kick out of the university, get good grades etc. Just force yourself. Think positive, if you can graduate, get the degree, get a job, you can find a new girlfriend, or perhaps your ex get back to you, she sees that you accomplished something

[WomanWriter]

I take it you were the one who was dumped and feel like your heart was ripped out too. Hang in there, buddy! So many of us here have been in the same boat, but you express it more clearly than most.

 

You're the only one who can make yourself whole. Perhaps you expect everything to be great all of a sudden. That's what held me back for a long time too. My ex and I were in a cycle of thinking everything had to be perfect before we got married (him moreso than me) so we kept putting it off until he finally cancelled it and our relationship.

 

Stop trying so hard to be "fixed" all of a sudden. You don't build a house in one day after there has been a fire. It takes time. Find ONE thing you can do to care for YOU and do it. Write it down on a piece of paper and try to do it tomorrow. If you don't do it, DON'T beat yourself up for it. Just decide in the moment that you are tired of videogames and TV and go out and take a long walk. The pain of walking may suck at first, so bring your Ipod or Cd player (upbeat songs). Go to the park and jog along the trails and say hi to people. Make it your goal for this week. The rest of the time, you can play videogames if you still want to, but really ask yourself if that is how you want to spend all your time.

 

I know how hard it is to get out there, but just start small. Take one community ed. class (maybe a sport like soccer or baseball). Even if you don't normally like sports, you'll be getting some fresh air, moving around, developing a skill, and meeting new friends. Find people on your own level so it's more about fun than showing off how good you are. You'll get better in time and probably enjoy it.

 

Think of something you want to do and just do something small to get there. I've lost 25 pounds that way. I didn't do anything drastic either. Every time I get ready to eat, I think about myself wearing a clothes size smaller. I think about what would make my body feel good and healthy. And I end up choosing less of the "bad" stuff and more of the "good" foods. Sometimes I'll eat bad foods as long as I balance it out with good foods overall. And when I don't feel like exercising, I tell myself that if I exercise everyday I could lose at least a pound a week. If I keep it up for 6 months, that's AT LEAST 24 pounds lost, probably even more. So little things add up to a LOT...you start feeling better later.

 

You have to have faith and trust. It is working for me. Not to say I don't have those feelings too, but I sure feel a heck of a lot better than I did on D-day and you can too!

[atelis]

I don't think this is about the relationship or the break-up. as you said yourself, you needed the relationship to validate you, so you were already in a very unhealthy frame of mind before this relationship started. At least you are objective enough to realise that it probably wasn't love keeping you in this relationship but need.

 

You have to start giving back to yourself.........just start with small achieveable goals. Perhaps enrol in a different university program, one that does interest you. Get out of the house and forget about video games.......that stuff is anti-social rubbish.

 

Do you have friends or people you haven't seen a while that you can reconnect with?

[thorpe]

Van_city I think there are many people on here that empathize with you. It can be really difficult to focus on things when you've lost your love and it all seems so pointless. Just do the simple things and take each day as it comes. Maybe you need to reduce the amount of stress in your life, it's difficult to concentrate and do intellectual things when you feel so depressed so have you considered leaving school for a while and doing something different.

 

I find exercise to be very helpful. For me it's cycling as you get fit, it gives you a great endorphin high, you can buy lots of great gear like bikes and clothes and you can join a local club and meet new people. If you really get into it you can go on long distance rides or tour to different countries and see the world

[BriarRose]

..

I agree with all this....