LOVE versus UNDERSTANDING

[ay0_x]

Hey all.

 

I've been looking at my past relationships recently and I think an issue I always face is love vs. understanding.

 

The thing is, I have a very turbulent homelife and I had a really bad childhood. It makes it hard to have relationships and friendships.

 

Usually, people who haven't had traumatic childhoods themselves, don't understand me very well. My current boyfriend is like this. He says he loves me, and he's really nice, but whenever I'm having problems, he doesn't really talk to me. He doesn't understand my depression at all, and it's a topic he tries to avoid.

 

For example... when my dad is ill, my boyfriend doesn't see why I can't sympathize with my father. I'm a very sympathetic person to others, I cannot stand to see anyone in pain, especially a child or animal. I'm a generous person, I'm generous with my love, my time and money. But this generosity does not apply to my dad because he made my childhood hell.

 

My boyfriend thinks I'm cruel. When I defend myself, he claims "I didnt know that your dad did that", even though I've told him countless times before.

 

It pushes me away, it makes me feel like crap, and it makes me feel like I can't tell my boyfriend about anything that's wrong with me because he simply doesn't get it.

 

It also makes me miss my ex's. I'm not proud of it, and I never miss them except when this kind of thing happens. My first boyfriend loved & understood me; and my 2nd just understood me. When my boyfriend doesn't understand I feel frustrated.

 

In my head I can't fathom how you can love someone but not understand them. But people tell me "You can love someone without understanding them".

 

What does everyone else think?

 

Can you love someone without understanding them?

 

And, if you had to choose, would you choose understanding or love?

[jul-els]

I think you have to have some level of understanding in order to love someone. That doesn't mean that said understanding is necessarily correct. The truer the understanding is, the deeper the love can go.

 

If I had to choose between the two, I would choose understanding before love. Love without understanding is pain. But without love, understanding would be kind of useless unless I wanted to really be destructive.

[waveseer]

In my experience love without understanding may be fondness, but it is not love. Understanding and caring to communicate understanding IS love but not necessarily romantic love. Romantic love is understanding and caring to communicate understanding plus the desire and willingness to be intimately involved in the other person's growth process.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Can you love someone without understanding them?

 

Yes. You can love family members without understanding them.

 

I think "understanding someone" is kind of vague. You can understand certain things about a person in the sense that there is a common bond...and you may not understand other aspects of a person, meaning you are completely different from each other in other aspects. If you really don't get a person's personality and interests at all then it is harder to love..but as long as there are commonalities and you two understand each other in most respects then love can develop. Ideally you should have both love and understanding....I would prefer to have both, not just one or the other.

[Tory Barton]

I don't think love and understanding really go hand in hand.

 

Can you love someone without understanding them?

Easily.

 

And, if you had to choose, would you choose understanding or love?

Love. Let there be mystery.

 

 

Besides. I don't understand love.... so how does this even work?

[jul-els]

I don't think love and understanding really go hand in hand.

 

 

Easily.

 

 

Love. Let there be mystery.

 

 

Besides. I don't understand love.... so how does this even work?

 

It cuts both ways. Be careful.

[Ivory_Tower]

I really believe that people can't understand where you've been and what you've been through until they themselves experience it.

[ProtestTheHero]

I think maybe expecting that level of understanding is setting the bar a little high. Like you said, if one of his parents didn't make his home life a living hell then he is not going to fully understand why you feel the way that you do -- in fact, he is literally incapable of it. Asking someone without those experiences to understand those feelings is akin to asking a guy to understand the pain of childbirth...he's never experienced it so he can't. The mistake he is making, in my opinion, is disregarding your feelings towards your father and instead forcing what he would do in your situation on you. Making you feel guilty or arguing the topic is a mistake, and maybe if he didn't do that this wouldn't be a problem.

 

You can love someone without understanding them. You can also understand someone without loving them..."with your mind but not your heart" type of deal. I think your 2nd bf showed you this.

 

So, expecting him to understand is a lofty goal...but expecting him to back you up is a little more reasonable. I'd go with that.

 

I'd say most people would choose love over understanding. There are plenty of people who will "get" you that will not give a damn about you.