mentee Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 my ex and i broke up ~2 months ago because i was moving 3000 miles away for my surgical training .. we were planning to do LD but then things got rough in my professional and personal (unrelated to ex) life .. after that, he started to have some doubts and realized 5 yrs LD is way too long .. i understood and let him go .. surprisingly got over it (not completely but enough to be totally happy) in about a month .. during this time i didn't contact him .. i went abroad and when i came back i wrote him a brief email letting him know i agreed with the break-up and hoped there were no hard feelings .. i told him i hoped we could be good friends (he initially asked to be friends but i didn't follow through) .. when i came back to the states we met up for coffee .. i was really happy to see him and just happy to be friends .. we met up for dinner the same week and at that point, he would hold my hand and kiss/hug me .. i was leaving that week so he helped me finish packing and drove me to the airport .. i figured it was finally done at that point .. i've finally settled here and making a lot of new friends and seeing old ones .. i like my job, and i'm just happier than i expected for someone starting surgical training .. somehow my ex and i started to talk everyday .... then all of a sudden, he wrote me an email saying that he could not stop loving me .. he said he was worried b/c he doesn't know how we can do 3,000 miles long distance for 5 yrs especially at a time when ppl our age are getting married and having kids (which we can't do if we're apart) .. despite all that, he said he wants to try long distance ... i am quite happy but i also know i love him .. i've thought about it, and i've decided that i really want to make this work .. i can see myself spending the rest of my life with him .. i just don't know HOW .... any advice? i also want to take things slow but how do you do that when you're LD? isn't it slow by default already? i only have ONE weekend off a month to see him .. right now we're trying to coordinate vacations .. i know i should be really happy that he wants to do LD (which he's never done before nor ever thought he would for anyone) .. but i also don't want to get hurt again .. Link to comment
Amasa Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Sounds like your doing great!!! Keep the honest communication up and everything should work out Link to comment
DN Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Is there any way that he can move to where you are? Link to comment
atelis Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 hi mentee, i think you should both be very careful. Given both of your issues (which we have discussed before) i see LDR being very difficult for you both and i can see the push-pull getting exacerbated by LDR and 5 years is a long long time. I think LDR's are difficult at the best of times, but given both of you have always had those commitment issues, this could only make it that much more difficult. Is there no way of one of you relocating? Link to comment
mentee Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 My options are: 1) I could try to transfer to a program back on his coast ... this is a very difficult thing to do as I'd have to be lucky enough that someone drops out of a program that I want to get into and that the program would choose me out of all the people vying for that spot. This would unlikely happen this year, so we'd have to be apart for at least 2 years. 2) I could take my research years after I train for 2 years and do those research years on his coast and see what happens after that. The issue with this is that I like my program so far ... to be happy in a relatively benign surgical program is extremely rare .. to give this up would be huge. I'd probably need a ring on my finger to give this up. The problem is that we both want to actually BE together for a little while longer to see if getting married is a good idea. So it's like a Catch-22. His options: 1) Move away from his family and the city he worked 9 years to return to, give up his house, give up his extremely competitive and lucrative job (it is almost impossible for ppl in his field to find a job in this particular city .. my graduating friends from a top top top program can't even get a job there)... he is hesitant because he would be risking everything .. and he also needs to see if marriage is in our future .. and if it's not, he'd be making a mistake giving all of it up ... i left too early for us to really know for sure but he told me he loves me enough to at least try LD for the short-term ... it's tough because we both have a lot going for us .. one of us would have to sacrifice what we've worked so hard for ... but we don't feel safe doing that without being together for awhile .. but how can we really be together? we both love each other but both agree it's too soon to know if we're on the road to marriage .. if i didn't move away, marriage wouldn't even come up, and we could just enjoy being together ... and now we have to think about it because no one in their right mind should give up so much just to date for the hell of it ... Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 just take it for now and enjoy it. don't stress what tomorrow may bring. what happens if tomorrow never comes? too many people worry about things that are trivial such as tomorrow. this is what causes a lot of breakups. just enjoy it day by day Link to comment
mentee Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 just take it for now and enjoy it. don't stress what tomorrow may bring. what happens if tomorrow never comes? too many people worry about things that are trivial such as tomorrow. this is what causes a lot of breakups. just enjoy it day by day i think it's different when it comes to long distance .. there is nothing really to enjoy when you're 3,000 miles apart and you know it'll be for 5 years. i think your mentality would be applicable if we were actually together in the same city .. then of course, like i said before, we wouldn't be talking about the future. Link to comment
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