The Waiting Game

[shockeddismayed]

In my expierence, when it's right, you KNOW it! There aren't any maybes. If you are totaly in love and happy, you don't take time off. Most people wouldn't risk losing the love of their life .

 

This is definitely something to keep in mind.... and it might certainly help us frame some of our problems in a different perspective.

 

However, as a RULE, I think it is hogwash. I doubt if any of us on here can reliably say that in our experience, when it's right, you KNOW it. How many times have we KNOWN it first hand? And if so, why are we here? How many times have we KNOWN it and then BLOWN it? What experience can lead us to believe something as absolute at that? Are we relying on other's stories... told by those in relationships who are happy and hoping that things will always remain that way? Can we trust these stories? Haven't we told similar stories when we were in love? Were we to be trusted?

 

Love is a strange emotion. The stories of life long love and devotion that I've heard are as varied as the people who told them. There is no one path to love or to enlightenment.

 

I'm not saying Daisy should simply be holding on either... I'm just disagreeing with the notion that in true love things will always be easy.... I'm disagreeing with the idea that it will conquer all our relationship issues without any work. We humans have a way of imposing our own insecurities and issues on things... then we have to try and work through the mess we've created. People take breaks and step back from relationships all the time, and having a slightly fearful or pessimistic approach prior to a life committment might sound to some people like giving the decision the respect it deserves.

 

In the end, if Daisy and her fellow are trying to work through things together it is up to her how long she is willing to give it her effort, and how long she is willing to take the uncertainty.

[DaisyB]

Love is a strange emotion. The stories of life long love and devotion that I've heard are as varied as the people who told them. There is no one path to love or to enlightenment.

 

I agree completely. I also wonder every day if I'm holding on to something that will never happen, or if it's essential to maintain hope. But I also can't really do anything to get rid of the hope (I've tried), so I have to live with it for now. I trust that it will either be fulfilled, or die on its own.

 

The ex left today for his summer position. We saw each other on Sunday for dinner -- which was REALLY good -- and said goodbye last night on the phone -- which was not as good. It was just hard to say goodbye and leave things so indefinite. We both confessed how scared we were. But I trust that this is the right thing to do. Obviously, if I could choose, I would chose things to be much easier. But I can't. . . I can't force him to make a decision, and I can't force him to come back. I wouldn't want to, either. So separate it is, at least for 10 weeks. And trusting that at the end of 10 weeks, things will be a little bit easier, one way or another.

[dallas68]

Daisy + Shocked, let me clarify a few things. My intentions were to open Daisys' eyes a little bit. Maybe I've missed some postings, I thought he was saying that he was "seriously trying to get over her", not "seriously trying to work out solutions so they could move forward". If thats the case then i'm wrong, sorry. My main point was to tell her that if this man did decide to come back, she should watch out. I don't view what he has done as normal. How did you put it, a pessamistic (sp.?) or fearful approach to commitment. Your right a little nervousness or self questioning is very normal and healthy, but ripping a relationship apart till you come up with an answer?? Come on.. not normal. And this behavior would and should be a HUGE red flag to Daisy. I have no notions of love always being easy, or love will conquer all. I have been married (mostly, happily) for 14 years. I have a very realistic view on marriage, thus, this post. Daisy, you seem very much in denial and very ready to defend him. I feel a sadness when i read your posts. Most times in this world people don't change. You can write me back and tell me how wrong I am, but sadly facts are facts. Daisy I just don't want to see you ten years from now, with kids and a whole life, with a guy who is flaking out on you. Marriage is alot more difficult then most realize, even when you have the most ideal person...... I really wish you good things Daisy, Good Luck.

[DaisyB]

A very strange thing happened to me last night as I was falling asleep. I wasn't quite asleep yet, but almost there. . . when I heard my ex shout my name. It was so clear. . . I woke up and even got out of bed to see if he was outside.

 

Strange. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before.

 

Now to Dallas -- my ex has said that he hasn't felt enough distance from me to figure out how he really feels. I HAVE felt the distance, but I can see where he's coming from. The longest we've gone with NC since the break-up is 9 days, and that's when we were both out of town. For the past month and a half, we've been talking several times a day, and have seen each other once or twice a week.

 

He said that he doesn't want to end up back together without feeling like he truly had time to reflect on the relationship. If things continued the way they had been going, we would have probably been back together in a month -- which sounds great, on the surface, but I don't want to get back together without knowing that he's a full partner. I wouldn't want to get back together and then have him say in a few months, "you know, I never really reflected on this, and I have a lot of doubts." If we end up back together, I need to hear him say, "I want to do this, I choose to do this, and I vow to try as hard as I can to make it work."

 

So if NC is what it takes to make him say that, then I'm all for it. I'm all for it even if NC makes him say, "I realized I never want to see you again." Because he's been in this middle phase for too long. I know he's confused, but I can't deal with the confusion forever.

 

In the meantime, my life has not stopped. I imagine that I won't be "over him" in 10 weeks, but who knows? I do still have hope. And I do still believe that things could work out, if we're both willing. I see that hope is not in fashion on the forum this week, though

 

I am amused that you think I'm in denial. I do know my ex well, and I try very hard to understand his point of view. I don't always agree with it, and I can't always see it, but I think it's important to try to understand what each other is thinking.

 

All right, to bed. Good night, all.

[DaisyB]

Hello, folks. . .

 

Just a little update since I haven't been on in a few days.

 

The ex has officially left for the summer, which has been VERY tough. I've tried my hardest not to call, but I broke down twice. He's done the same, so I guess we're even. . .

 

The contact has been okay. Not bad, just no real progress one way or another. He seems very concerned with how I'm doing, which is good in some ways, but bad in others (if he cares so much, why not get back together? etc.) I have held off from asking him any relationship questions. That's been tough to do.

 

Also, my roommate moved out yesterday (she took a new job), so the being alone is really starting to set in. It does mean that I can do some redecorating, though, so I'm trying to stay busy with that.

 

I'll try to keep you posted on how things progress. I hope you all are doing okay.

 

Take care, guys.