Staying friends with an ex

[confusedgirrl]

I just want everyone's take on this.

 

Why would an ex insist on being friends with you. You would have continued to be whatever without any commitment but they say they realise that this non relationship is hurting you so they think it would be best if you all try to be just friends.

 

Why would someone do this? Are they trying to just keep you as a back up? or do they genuinely want to be friends with you?

[Cognitive_Canine]

You'd have to ask them.

 

Personally, I'd like to be friends with exes (typically, my boyfriend are my best friends) but I'd only do so after I've healed completely and no more feelings for them.

[MomLoveJoy]

You are definitely playing with fire, if your feelings for this person haven't yet healed completely. As far as their motives behind this, I would just ask and let them know my take on it. Healing is the first process in this..

[winegums7]

Maybe an ex would want to still be friends because they genuinely value your friendship. If youre going out with someone youre clearly friends with them and enjoy spending time with eachother, so maybe even though a relationship cant last you can still be friends? Me and my ex (broke up about a month ago) are still very close friends even though we broke up, because we still wanted that and its going good. We both still care about eachother and will always be there for eachother, even though we are not together anymore.

[D_Lish]

I think they try to keep us around as a 'backup' to be honest. Like if they meet no one else, they can return to us, or think they can...

I guess some also want to genuinely be friends. But sometimes even that kind of friendship will die and when they meet a new partner....

 

Only they know why, they want to be friends...

[confusedgirrl]

I wont lie and say I am over him. The feelings are still there and yes i would love to get back together with him but he says he is not ready for or looking for a relationship right now. I guess I am afraid to let go completely because he might lose any feelings he has for me. I have told him all this, i even told him I might just need some time not talking or interacting with him before I can try to be friends and he told me we would have a big fight about this, that he values my friendship too much to even contemplate not having me in his life for any period of time.

 

So I dont know, the just friends thing was all his suggestion so maybe he does care about me and doesnt want to see me hurt. All I know is that this will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

[Sunflour]

The two most common reasons for an ex to say they want to remain friends:

 

1) They were the one dumped, and still hope it will turn into a relationship again.

 

2) They did the dumping, and they're paying lip service to wanting to remain friends out of guilt, because it feels less cruel. They rarely actually mean it; it's just one of those things you say, like "It's not you, it's me."

[veneratio]

Of course he cares, most ex's do. In most cases there was a friendship before there was a relationship, that's hard to erase.

 

But if you're not completely over him, you've gotta let go for a bit. I tried to be friends for so long with my ex while I still had feelings for her. And it just wasn't working. I'd read too much into her actions and words, I would get upset at what she did or didn't do, did or didn't say and it caused so much friction between us. Probably part of the reason it's so complicated between us right now.

 

So you're right, it's definitely going to be hard, but it's worth it for both of you in the end.