Recovering from disappointment

[Celadon]

Hi all - I could use advice on recovering from disappointment. I spent a few years dating a guy who had some issues. I stuck with him, tried to help him, even though I felt his problems were really dragging our relationship down.

 

Now we're exes, and he's been able to turn his life around. Of course I'm happy for him. But part of me is severely disappointed because I feel like I bore the brunt of his problems and never reaped the rewards (so to speak).

 

I think I made a bad choice staying with him for as long as I did. I hoped he'd get better, but he didn't until we were no longer dating and he had time alone to figure out how come his life was a mess.

 

I'm having a hard time with this because I feel I wasted my time -- and there's no one to blame but me. I'm just feeling low, I guess. I sorta feel like his life is on the up-and-up and mine is stagnating. Things are bad -- just a bit tough lately.

 

Thanks for letting me vent ........... would appreciate any advice or support.

[Celadon]

Sorry - - I meant to say that things are *not* so bad in my life, but a bit tough lately.

[SLBG]

Hi K8tie Kool,

 

Well I just wanted to say that I no exaclty how you feel.

 

My ex fiancee walked out on me six weeks ago. We were together for 5 long years.

 

She had so many problems in here life, she had been suffering from depression, had many issues including problems from her childhood and a family which didnt care about her.

 

So I stuck by her, I didnt let things get us down. I was always there for her and my family took her in. She started to improve over the years, moved in with my (to get away from her family) went to college and got a job.

 

Her life was on the up, or so I thought. Then about a year ago the depression came back, I asked if It if was my fault but she just said her life was tough and that it wasnt my fault.

 

I couldnt understand, I took on all of the responsibilities for her. Payed the bills, cooked the dinner, washed our clothes and cleaned the house.

 

I felt so lost inside, I was doing every thing I could to be there for her. I just couldnt help but blame myself. I just wished I could take away her pain, remove the memories of her past and replace them with happy ones.

 

So to cut along story short, she decided that she was still young, she wanted to see the world. She felt she wasnt important to me. I didnt have time to be her lover and her carer at the same time.

 

Now she has gone, her life is not on its way up. Now she has the freedom to do what she wants. But instead of dealing with her problems she is drinking and smoking drugs to take away the pain.

 

Her friends & family do not care about how she feels, they didnt want to support her. I took on the role and look where it got me.

 

Well I was just packing the rest of her stuff and I found a note pad she had written in. She spoke of her childhood and the feeling she has for her family. She also wrote how good I had been to her and said I was her rock.

 

It was hard to read it knowing she has gone, she will not be coming back and I have to deal with that.

 

I totally understand how u feel, I just wish I knew how to take away ur pain. Plz stay strong, and dont give up.

 

We did our best and thats all that matter, we touched there lives and maybe 1 day we will again.

 

My exs problems dragged down our relationship, now she is gone she thinks she can face the world alone. I only hope she is right

 

slbg

[P-Frenchie]

I'm currently going through the same thing with my girlfriend. She's been suffering with depression, and I've been doing my best to be there for her. It is definitely a drag on the relationship, but I guess there's always part of me that is determined to get through this. After reading your post, I wonder if I'm just wasting my time and if I will ever be more than her rock. This girl was the first to ever make me feel incredibly... in love? But if that's the case, why is it so hard and why am I hurting? I guess, I would feel the exact way you do... and maybe I'm going to be in your position sooner than I think.

[healing]

I think I made a bad choice staying with him for as long as I did. I hoped he'd get better, but he didn't until we were no longer dating and he had time alone to figure out how come his life was a mess.

 

Wow! I think that you are very self-aware. I am impressed that you are taking responsibility for the choices you made. You are being really honest with yourself. This is mature. You are growing as a person.

 

When people lose everything, when they hit rock bottom, this is when they usually do the self-work necessary to change and grow. This is why it wasn't until you were no longer dating that he changed.

 

While you were with him, he didn't have to change, because you stuck by him. Essentially, you may have enabled his behavior by putting up with it. It is a very difficult realization.

 

If this relationship, and the end of it, helped you to become more aware of your choices, and your responsibilities, and led to this self-awareness...then it most certainly wasn't a waste of time.

 

The next time you are dating someone, you will chose so much more wisely.

[Celadon]

Hi guys - -thanks for taking the time to listen and to give your thoughts. I'm glad others know how I feel! For you guys who, like me, have supported or are supporting a troubled partner -- it's a tough thing to know when to keep being supportive and when to let go. I don't want to discourage anyone from continuing to try. If nothing else, as SLBG said, good deeds are good and worthwhile, in and of themselves.

 

I guess I look back and realize that hanging in there with someone is a personal decision based on one's own happiness. One needs to stay personally strong -- not just determined, but feeling one's own worth and self-esteem. When I was with my ex and he did selfish things and wasn't there for me, I lost some of my own self-worth. I think that's when I should have backed off.

 

Relationships should be to the benefit of both people. If it's too lopsided for too long, one person may end up bitter ... and recovering from that bitterness is what I'm dealing with. Sigh!

[SLBG]

Hi K8tie Kool,

 

Like I said before, Im in the same sort of situation as you.

 

All I can say is I do not regret what I did. I will always be there for her and their will always be a place in my heart for her.

 

Im not gonna give up on my ex, if I truly love her why would I.

 

I will not be treated like a doormat, I will not let her play me.

 

But I no that one day, when she really needs help she will look to me.

 

I cannot forget the sacrifices I made for her, the hard time we went through.

 

If its hard for me to forget its not gonna be easy for my ex.

 

My ex crushed my self worth, and destroyed my self esteem. I will build myself back up and maybe I will feel differently In time.

 

Thanks for posting ur story, at least we are not alone.

 

slbg

[lilazngal]

 

Relationships should be to the benefit of both people. If it's too lopsided for too long, one person may end up bitter ... and recovering from that bitterness is what I'm dealing with. Sigh!

 

 

Katie you are really perceptive, must be a virgo!

 

At least you knew and you dont blame the other person, it doesnt sound like you feel any guilt either which is outstanding, you were being a good friend and sometimes that's all you can do, but I can understand how you feel, as Ive been there before dealing with emotionally unavailable with numerous problems.

 

 

It's hard to not feel any resentment, all you can do is let time pass. Try not to think about it so much, keep yourself busy with other activities, exercise, going out with friends. Soon enough, youll forget all about any anger or disappointment you may have felt.

 

 

I think you have given me some advice in the past here, so feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this stuff, we probably have a lot in common, lol.

 

 

8) 8)

[Celadon]

Lilazngal -- Yup, I agree, time passing can be our greatest friend. I'll definitely try to keep busy instead of dwelling the past. I keep swearing I'll start to exercise one of these days; maybe now's the time to finally get started, eh?

 

Hey, I can't claim to be a Virgo, but I'm an Aries. Is that a perceptive sign too?

 

Thanks for being understanding. I'm glad I'm not the only one who knows what it's like to feel this way...