ex is sharing a bed with someone

[brokenstar]

Hey fellow eNotAlone members,

I'm quite new to this forum and have been reading a lot on it. This is the only place where i can let my feelings out. I'm feeling really hurt right now and i'm hoping someone could teach me how to handle/get over this pain.

 

Tonight i am breaking down knowing that my ex is sharing a bed with a girl who he barely knew because he met her from a trip and is now overseas again and met up with her.

I don't know if they are gonna make love or not. but just the idea of them being in the same bed really kills me right now. because i love him to bits. Sharing a bed might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but i know for a fact he won't do this if he was in a relationship. I'm getting this really really heavy feeling because he is showing signs of moving on. But my feelings for him still remain 100% for the 6.5 years we dated. We broke up 9 months ago.

 

If he was any other guy, i would choose an option of NC. But this is a conflict, he is also my best friend. NC cannot be an option. Even if it's just a short NC period, we share the same group of friends so there is no way i could avoid seeing him - unless i stay away from my friends too which would make me more depressed without a social life.

 

Can someone please give me as much advice as possible on how to get over him even though i will be seeing him as friends? I know there are gonna be more painful moments in the future especially if he is dating someone else. So i really want to learn to move on....

 

Thank you for reading this!! I'm so glad this forum existed. I'll look forward to your helpful advice.

[hockeyboy]

If he was any other guy, i would choose an option of NC. But this is a conflict, he is also my best friend. NC cannot be an option..

 

It is an option.

 

He's not your boyfriend...and you need to realize he's not your best friend now either.

 

Think about it...logically...what kind of friendship could you two ever really have? If you do end up friends someday, it won't be on the same level that you had.

 

You need to get away from him now...for a while. You said he's away...that's a good thing. As far as mutual friends...I'm sure the true mutual friends will understand your situation...and hang out with you without him being there.

[tink0688]

I recently went through the same sort of thing. My ex was my best friend and I kept telling myself we could somehow be friends still. Talking to him and knowing I couldn't have him made me fall into a downward spiral of depression. Everyone kept telling me to cut of all contact and I didn't want to believe them. But one day I just realized that NC is what I needed to do in order to get better. You will know when the time is right and when you are ready. You've been doing LC for 9 months already and it's not working, so why not give NC a try. It's hard and sometimes we break it first after a few days, and then a week or two weeks, but thats okay. Over time you will see that it will get better! And I know you are probably worried b/c you can't imagine him not in your life, but just because you do NC doesn't mean he is gone from your life forever. NC is for you to move on and then in the future you can decide if you want to stay friends.

 

I know it's hard knowing he is sharing a bed with someone else and it totally sucks! My ex started dating someone 3 days after we broke up (we were together for 3.5 years). We were each other's firsts so we promised we wouldn't sleep with anyone else unless we were in a committed relationship, and turns out they became official only a little bit after that. It hurts so bad, but this is just another reason to do NC. When you are still talking to him you want to ask about this other girl and know what happened. He was your best friend and you are used to him telling you everything. When you do NC you won't be tempted to ask about his personal life, which will just end up hurting you and your relationship with him. Trust me, I learned the hard way. NC will make you think about them less and allow you to move on.

 

As far as your friends, I think you should be the one to organize things and make sure he is not there. Invite a few people over or go out and do something, but it doesn't always have to be a big group with all your friends, including him. I'm sure if you talk to them they will understand that you don't want to see him and its not letting you move on...I know you probably didn't want to hear any of this, but learning from my own experience it is for the best. It won't be easy but stay strong and things will get better!

[nicknick]

My ex was in bed with another guy two weeks after we split up! And she told me about it as well. I was hurt at the time...but not now. In fact i couldn't care less if she's gone through the entire town's rugby team (and she probably has by all accounts...all at the same time).......she was my ex at the time...she is still my ex (and always will be cos i wouldn't touch her with a barge pole!).

 

Let go! It's seriously not worth your emotions....as for being best friend..what sort of 'best' friend would jump in to bed with someone else so soon after breaking up with you? The guy is a first class knob-head.

[bear314]

If you want the guy back the best thing to do is go into Limited Contact. Separate all kind of contact via phone, internet, and everything else that you would use in place of seeing each other face to face. Since you share the same friends that is were it is limited contact. Whenever you see him be calm, polite, aloof but never overjoyed or outgoing. If he contacts you take your time to respond since you have your own life to live that does not revolve around him. What is your reason for all of this? Say that old feelings have come up and because of the emotional investment and time spent with him the best thing you two can have is time and space until a possible point in the future where you can revisit each other.

 

How can you hope to get him back when your always around? How will he miss you then with your presence, him knowing he can talk to you any time he wants? Take that luxury of the security of having you around and he'll want you back. Because we all want what we cannot have. Another thing is the push/pull factor. In a relationship or not the more a person needs attentions 'n such will pull while the other gets annoyed or wants space and pushes. Get the idea?

 

NC will increase your chances dramatically but it is no guarantee. Since you have dated for so many years it'd be impossible for him to forget you in an instant. I figured out recently when my ex started talking to me to talk and I got my closure and more. Said that she went through just as much and explained it in vivid detail and shared the hope with me that one day Fate would bring us together again. It was the time and circumstances for us. So I bet you my bank account he's had his fair share of long nights thinking of you and the memories you shared, insides jokes and gifts you exchanged.

 

By the way why did you two break up? And how was the relationship you had, good, bad? Explain a little more.

[brokenstar]

Hi everyone! Thank you sooo sooo much for responding!! I posted this thread last night and it's a warm/comforting feeling to be able to get lots of advice in just a few hours!

 

By the way why did you two break up? And how was the relationship you had, good, bad? Explain a little more.

 

We broke up because of personality conflict:

I'm more dependent and he is more independent. Both on extreme ends.

I'm the affectionate type, He isn't. People couldn't even tell we are a couple by looking at how he is towards me. We only look like best buddies.

 

We started off ok when we first dated and both are aware of these differences. It then became a problem after 4th year and arguments started being more frequent until we broke up after 6 and a half years. The way for me to describe our relationship was: fun and full of laughter but unromantic.

 

We both knew that when it comes to our relationship, our personality differences create so much conflict. But as friends, we make such perfect buddies.

 

It was a clean break up, although he was the one that called it off.

 

 

...as for being best friend..what sort of 'best' friend would jump in to bed with someone else so soon after breaking up with you? The guy is a first class knob-head.

 

Hey Nicknick, I'm glad u could get over your ex! How long did it take you? and how did you move on?

 

He didn't sleep with anyone right after breaking up. We broke up for 9 months already and it's only a matter of time (which is like now) when he is moving on. He had been very truthful/honest and spoken to me about the possibility of dating someone else. We are very open to each other even though the truth hurts. It's just so hard to separate the feelings of loving him and seeing him only as a best friend.

 

This person is your "ex" - EX!!!!! Do not concern yourself with who he is sleeping with. Concern youserlf with your own thoughts and your own life.

 

Thanks Shuttlefish. I'll try my best to remind myself of this.

 

As far as your friends, I think you should be the one to organize things and make sure he is not there...

...It won't be easy but stay strong and things will get better!

 

Hey Tink0688! Sorry to hear abt your ex, that is really hard to take in. only 3 days!! I'm glad your able to move on!! How long did u NC for?

 

I'm currently considering NC now because of everyone's advice. It's gonna be so difficult to break this to my friends. Our group consist of 5 people including me and my ex. and all these years we have been hanging out together on a weekly basis... NC with my ex would mean splitting our group up and because everyone is only free to meet once a week, either me or him would have to miss out on hanging out. I don't think i'd ask my ex to not come out when i catch up with those other guys. So if i do NC with my ex, i'd have to sacrifice my weekly hangouts with our friends too.. it worries me to NC and at the same time, miss out on a lot of social outings. I'm worried i'll become even more depressed if i don't go out much. That's the dilemma. I feel so bad changing the way the group was all because of what's happened between me and ex.

We just do so much as a group and we have already bought tickets for 2 international trips. 1 coming in 3 months and the other next year. This is so hard.. am i ment to back out? Is there really no other option besides NC?

 

 

Thanks for reading this thread again everyone! It means a lot!!

[tink0688]

We've been broken up for about 3 months now. We did NC for the first 3 weeks, and did LC after that. LC was hard for me cuz I knew he was with someone else, but I kept contacting him since hearing his voice for a few minutes a day helped me wake up in the morning. Weird how it worked. We've been NC for 2 weeks now and I'm doing so much better. I have some great days and some bad days, but I've come to realize that I can do better than someone who just goes after someone so soon like that.

 

It sounds like you are in a tough situation with your friends. Do you talk to any of them about what you are feeling? Is there any way you can take turns with who you hang out with? Like invite one person for coffee one day and go out to lunch with another friend the next..something like that? At least you can maybe get some interaction that way. Like Bear said, you can hang out with everyone, including your ex, sometimes, but keep it reaaaally limited.

[bear314]

Well if you guys are made the be friends rather then a couple it could be best to leave it like that. However, if you want him back NC is the way to go but I think you'd need that just to get over him because he's not doing you any good by keeping in contact. The main reason for NC is to suture the emotional wounds made by a break up. And being independent is a good thing but a lot of times one person, or both, becomes dependent on the other. Some times it becomes a little more like your situation. So if you can do that he might just turn around and come back. And do not think of it as changing yourself. Example: living a healthier lifestyle to look better and live longer can benefit both parties but mostly yourself. So what would be the harm in become more self-reliant and resourceful? In the end its just going to your benefit.