Dirty Wounds, My retrogressive mind

[DunwichChild]

As I lay on my bed listening to the tantrum driven AN, I realize how much I don’t like myself, I don’t like my face, my body, the gray hairs that started growing when I was 16, how weird I seem to come accross to most people, how vapid and psychologically immovable I apparently am.

 

As the record goes on the music relaxes me; it makes me laugh at its self-parody, and at the same time it seems to open the gates for my thoughts to just race through my mind, a bunch of disjointed scenes appear: murder, sex, birth, love, blood, ----, food, sweat, love, sex. sex...sex...I thought that I must have been in this state for a lot longer than I really was, noticing that only two 30 second songs had played without realizing it. At that point the self-disgust kicked back in. I try to keep my thoughts in check by thinking how impossible it would be for a real drummer to play those songs at that ridiculous tempo. The mental image of a high-strung Goro on speed and pounding on the skins makes me laugh. Stupid.

 

I remember the last time a girl wanted to talk to me “alone”. Would you meet me at the end of the day, on the fields behind school? Yes, sure. She was pretty, I thought, I thought she was nice... I got there, I got ambushed, I got a beating. Stupid.

 

I remember that time I tried to start a talk with someone I liked... she tried to induce vomit. Imbecile.

 

I remember the 99 ways they used to express the disgust that they felt. Repulsive

 

I remember the kicks and the slaps, and all those “------” remarks. I remember the anger, I remember the fear, I remember the void in my gut as I tasted the salt in my tears. I remember thinking that I won’t wear what I kill...not any longer. Failure.

 

I remember the day the teacher tried to defend me. You shouldn’t be mean to those who don’t look like the rest of us, it’s not like he can help it...Oh...it’s not like I churn bells on a church or came from the sewer, right, teacher? Then she stared, peeled her eyeballs as if telling me to shut the ---- up, I’m trying to help you, you ----.

 

I remember how I almost cracked my head open against a wall in the middle of class.

 

I hear silence, the noise is over, it still rings in my ear.

[NightLily]

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.. I had it pretty rough as well and also got quite the beating.

 

But, that says nothing about you. People will just pick on anybody that marches to their own drum. It is a good thing you are like that because you should never feel like you have to sell out. It sounds like it may have been a bit of racism going on for you there because you in no way look deformed or ugly to me.

 

Also, I have always liked grey hair. I think it looks flattering and adds a little "something". If you don't like it though, you could eaaasily color over it.

 

Women on here have been giving you props for how you look so just try to put the past behind you and focus on the infinite possibilities of your future. Easier said than done. But, one little step at a time.

[DunwichChild]

First of all, I hope everything is better for you now and don't have to go through many rough patches as you did before.

 

Also, I thank you for responding and offering your insight, and I appreciate it greatly as the things you tell me, I sort of know them at an intellectual level, and maybe I just need to listen them from another person before I begin to process them in a more basic level, and figure out what to do with that information, learn to use whatever tools I have, to reach the goal...not hate myself any longer.

 

The funny thing is that after all I wouldn't have changed much of what happened in the past, a few things here and there, but not a total transformation that probably would have change my character and the way I see things. And, I guess not everything around me is that bad, my family helped me when they finally realized what was going on inside my head.

 

BTW, all of that happened in my country of origin, I moved to Canada when I was 18, which hasn't been neeear as bad as that damn banana country I lived in, so no racism so far. And, I heard some times that women find the gray hair distinguished or whatever, but too bad my hair has the texture of a Brillo pad, hehe, it's just one of those things that you look in the mirror and say "ugh, I bet that's why I don't have any friends" and in the end it has no importance, and that you still can lead a happy life being gray, brunette, ugly, beautiful, fat, medium, skinny, smart, dumb, white, black, brown, big nosed, hairy, hairless...I don't think it matters, but I wish I could follow through with what I think.

 

So, again, I thank you for giving me a bit of your time, you are a great lady, as hokey as that may sound.