The Thing That Should Not Be

[DunwichChild]

Well, this is my first post and I'm not sure what to write nor how, so if this seems a bit disjointed I apologize, also, English is not my first language and I'm not the sharpest tool on the box which may add on the possible disjointing of this post. I guess all I'm trying to say to whomever read this, that you should take this as drunken ranting post.

 

I was born in South America (now living in Canada), and throughout my whole childhood and adolescence I was bullied relentlessly, experiencing truly hurtful and sadistic actions from people with whom I was forced to co-exist. I don't truly know the reasons why this was the case, but maybe it was because I was the shy and quiet one, the one who got good grades, the loner, the ugly one, in either case I was picked on, hard, and the usual subject of ridicule was my appearance. Maybe I'll tell some of those experiences later on.

 

Anyway, that caused me to be withdraw from the vast majority of people, and started to live in my own little world, a weird one at that, my thoughts consisted on images that could be on an early David Cronenberg film, of course I did not know anything like that existed, or that anyone else had thought up similar visuals to what I was imagining, leading me to think that I was a freak, and in a way I still do, just less stridently than before. So I was alone with my thoughts, miserable, and seriously thinking of committing suicide, of watching myself bleed to death, however I did not attempt it nor did I cut myself. Needless to say friends weren't at hand, and the few people who would approach me, the other bullied guys, though I was weird too.

 

My parental situation wasn't much better, don't get me wrong they were good to me, but I just kept everything to myself and they didn't imagine that anything was wrong until later on, when the damage was done, I guess I was as good as a deceiver as I was a concealer.

 

In short, I loathed myself, I hated the fact that I let myself be influenced and think I was the vermin of the Earth just like they told me (they called me rat, because of my ears, crooked teeth and chinless appearance), I hated the fact that I stood up for myself only when it was too late, I hated my meekness, my body and my face. Luckily, I had found something to dwell in: music, specifically: heavy metal, more specifically: death metal. I just related with the lyrics and those "un-beautiful" sounds, as awful as that may be, I just thought that there is someone like me making this music, of course wearing a black shirt of a living corpse performing cunnilingus on another living corpse ostracized me even more, especially in Salsa Country.

 

(I found it sort of funny that when my father saw the t-shirt, he said: That's disgusting", to which I mockingly replied: At least is not two zombie guys giving each other BJ's...no?", he dryly said: "Yes", to which I rolled my eyes and sighed.)

 

Anyway. I didn't develop any social skills as an adolescent, something that still holds true today. I have no friends, I haven't been on a date, I haven't kissed, I'm a virgin, I believe most people think I'm very weird, I'm ugly and I don't hold myself in the greatest esteem (but, at least I don't want to blow my brains out at this point in time). I don't know how to relate to most people, and I'm not sure if I even want to, that's why I don't have much expectations in having a bunch of rich and fruitful friendships and sexual relationships like most people do. But, I've come to realize that I want some normalcy, another person who will let me share my thoughts and vice versa, and maybe share myself with a woman that I care about. I just don't know how to get that.

 

Maybe I should start walking the road towards the acceptance of one's own mediocrity, it wasn't the goal, but I really don't know what to do.

 

(Jeez, blocks of text, sorry about that...maybe I should put a smilie...I like this one

[NightLily]

If you like heavy metal get yourself out into some concerts and finding people who like that as well. There are tons of us living under the rocks. You just have to flip them over the find the bugs

 

I seriously doubt you are as ugly as you think you are. If you want to post a pic maybe we can give you some advice on how to snazz up your look. Plus, I'm curious.

[DunwichChild]

If you like heavy metal get yourself out into some concerts and finding people who like that as well. There are tons of us living under the rocks. You just have to flip them over the find the bugs

 

I seriously doubt you are as ugly as you think you are. If you want to post a pic maybe we can give you some advice on how to snazz up your look. Plus, I'm curious.

 

Maybe it's where I live, but every time I go to a concert I only see high school males, very rarely I see a girl, and when I do they are always with their boyfriends. It sucks going to a concert alone so I just try to forget about everything, purge my problems and give myself a neck injury, so maybe I'm not in the right frame of mind to meet anyone.

 

About the ugly thing, I don't know, I've only had negative feedback about my looks so that's what I see now, even if I probably just look like any other human being. Ugh, I'm a prime candidate for psychotherapy, maybe I should get a shrink.

 

I only have one half decent picture that I keep on the hard drive, maybe it's because it's all dark and pixelated, let me try and find it.

[DunwichChild]

Uhmm, I can't seem to just upload a file, and I don't have a link of the picture, so I just put it in my profile, it's rather small.

 

By the way you are a very pretty girl SuzyQ

[NightLily]

I really don't think you fit the description you gave of yourself one bit.. here are some example of what would:

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You look nothing like these. Your looks shouldn't be an issue in you getting dates with women or friends based off of that picture.

 

Maybe you should try a larger concert? Like some sort of summer festival. I will admit pickings are slim when it comes to women and a lot of them are.. not so attractive. But, you could at least try to meet some guys. If you extend your circle of friends, it will increase your chances greatly of meeting a girl you would like to spend time with.

 

If you really want to meet a woman, you could also try online dating if you wanted to.

 

Oh, btw, thanks for the compliment!

[DunwichChild]

I really don't think you fit the description you gave of yourself one bit.. here are some example of what would:

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You look nothing like these. Your looks shouldn't be an issue in you getting dates with women or friends based off of that picture.

 

Maybe you should try a larger concert? Like some sort of summer festival. I will admit pickings are slim when it comes to women and a lot of them are.. not so attractive. But, you could at least try to meet some guys. If you extend your circle of friends, it will increase your chances greatly of meeting a girl you would like to spend time with.

 

If you really want to meet a woman, you could also try online dating if you wanted to.

 

Oh, btw, thanks for the compliment!

 

Oh well, thanks for the piece of advise, but I just have difficulty relating with people in a personal level, amongst other things, I have absolutely zero social awareness and my spoken English is not that good. And, I also tried online dating, needless to say it didn't workout, I'm anxious and awkward even on that setting.

 

Maybe I just should abandon any hope of finding a personal relationship and go on with my life, things could be worse.

 

Thank you for being the only one willing to offer me some help, it really does make a difference.

[DunwichChild]

No need to be so modest.

You are relating just fine right now.

 

What are you trying to say? I'm dumb as f--- all, you shouldn't be so cryptic about it.

[DunwichChild]

I am saying that you are capable of expressing yourself clearly and coherently.

 

Not face too face.

 

Sorry I got snippy there, I interpreted what you said as a snide remark.

[NightLily]

From what I can tell, you don't actually have to relate to people. I pretty much relate to nobody and just run around acting like a goof ball and somehow make friends. They may be different or goofy as well but I could care less. How I get boyfriends I have no clue. Pretty much the same thing there. If you act horny it helps.

 

CHeers

[DunwichChild]

From what I can tell, you don't actually have to relate to people. I pretty much relate to nobody and just run around acting like a goof ball and somehow make friends. They may be different or goofy as well but I could care less. How I get boyfriends I have no clue. Pretty much the same thing there. If you act horny it helps.

 

CHeers

 

I can't really wrap my head around what you just wrote, I don't understand it, I don't get how it works, especially the last sentence.

[PiranhaBraces101]

Well, at least it's not David Lynch. =P

 

Anyway man, you look pretty cool, you just need to open up, join a community, make friends. Dont let your past haunt you and drag you down, just live your life.

 

I dont think you have any problem in the looks dept. Just need to gain some confidence. If you dont have any skills, develop some, learn something you like, you will feel much better of yourself this way. Go out more, exercise, be healthy. Be up beat.

[PiranhaBraces101]

I can't really wrap my head around what you just wrote, I don't understand it, I don't get how it works, especially the last sentence.

 

Um, she's prolly just kidding with you.

[DunwichChild]

Well, at least it's not David Lynch. =P

 

Anyway man, you look pretty cool, you just need to open up, join a community, make friends. Dont let your past haunt you and drag you down, just live your life.

 

I dont think you have any problem in the looks dept. Just need to gain some confidence. If you dont have any skills, develop some, learn something you like, you will feel much better of yourself this way. Go out more, exercise, be healthy. Be up beat.

 

heh, I wish I could think like David Lynch, I'm not good at high level abstraction, independently at least.

 

Thanks for the advice, I just don't really now what to think or do anymore.

[Catdancer]

After I read your post, I checked out your profile pic. Where the hell did those people get "rat". I think you're hot. Of course pics can be deceiving, but just based on the pic you have posted, I'd go have a drink with you. Of course, I am a metal head too, although not so much death metal. Regardless, I'd give you a shot. So, it seems that the biggest issue for you is self esteem and self confidence.

[DunwichChild]

After I read your post, I checked out your profile pic. Where the hell did those people get "rat". I think you're hot. Of course pics can be deceiving, but just based on the pic you have posted, I'd go have a drink with you. Of course, I am a metal head too, although not so much death metal. Regardless, I'd give you a shot. So, it seems that the biggest issue for you is self esteem and self confidence.

 

I recently saw a picture of myself at high school age, and I looked like the cross of a 1900s cartoon of a Chinese person and a bush baby, quite frankly I'm surprised no one attempted to rape me with a broomstick, considering everything that happened. I guess I just filled out afterward. And that's the best picture of myself I have, I don't look that good in real life, but I don't look as bad in real life as in other recent pictures, I guess I'm not photogenic.

 

And thank you for the compliment, I guess I just should go out and get some, easier said than done, though, especially If one doesn't know how to use one's tools.

[Jpo]

Dude, you don't look ugly at all, you look completely normal. I'm not a girl, so I can't really comment on your attractiveness, but I wouldn't think anything if I met you. I know when someone is butt****ing ugly and you are not. To be honest, you look like that guy at the bar who is stealing all the eligible women. You kind of look like a bartender to me.

 

You need to find a group of guy friends who can take you to parties, bars, etc and show you the ropes. It doesn't take as long as you think to become socially adept, I used to be fairly bad myself. It WILL be awkward at first, but after a couple times you will be as good as the next guy. All you have to do is jump.

 

Of course, it is easier if you have people to help and support you. Try to get involved in group activities, and friendships will just happen. If you are really uncomfortable, a little alcohol never hurt anyone, it is a great way to let yourself relax and you are more willing to open up to people. Good luck man, don't be so hard on yourself.