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friend in need, don't know what to do? male advice please?


gidget1

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okay this might be a little long, basically i want to help my friend out, i know there is nothing that i personally can do, but i just want to give her some practical advice.

she's 30, and she just married her highschool sweetheart. (they've been together ELEVEN years) - she's always wanted to get married, have kids, etc, he always said the same but it took her years of begging just to get married, now she doesn't think kids will happen.

 

she's getting really down about her relationship, they haven't had sex for over a year (not even around their wedding time!) and throughout their 11 years they've had it probably a handful of times. she's going nuts.

last night she called me crying because she threw herself on him, on the bed, and he immediately pushed her off and said "get your big "breasts" off me".

she's never received compliments about her body, breasts included from him, and this just made her boil. (what man refuses a sexy blonde woman throwing herself at him!)

 

this is where i come in. i've been her confidant for three years now. for the first time ever, last night, she asked me if he is gay. i knew she'd been thinking it for a long time, and she finally asked me. i said i had no idea (i believe he might be, or he might be depressed. he never had affection issues, he just doesn't want sex, at all, he has NEVER initiated.)

 

so basically she can't talk to him, for 11 years they haven't been able to communicate. getting help is out of the question, he would rather lose her than go through it, she can't get him to open up, she's at her wits end.

lately when we've been out for drinks she's had her eye on men and vice versa. she talks about all the men she flirts with, and i'm worried she might cross a boundary soon.

 

i don't know what to do? i want to help her. i'm surprised she's lasted 11 years with him and isn't totally depressed. she gets nothing from the relationship and he seems to just be there for no reason.

thanks!

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Ok, I understand her story.....but what did you tell her exactly?

Throughout the years, did you give her any advice or opinions?

Did she listen to you?

 

I used to have a friend who came to me everyday to talk about her problems.

I dedicated so much time giving her advice and suggestions, and in the end, she never took my advice. She just wanted to complain and talk about her problems to release her stress or something.

 

I felt stupid wasting my time on her. If your friend is one of those people, there's NOTHING you can do.

 

Just ask her what SHE wants to do, and go from there.

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There could be a number of possibilities, but he sounds to me like he has a chemical imbalance, and he's depressed. A combination of therapy and possibly dietary changes, or consultation with a doctor, could help, but the first step would be to get into therapy.

 

There will be people suggesting to drop him like a hot potato, but I won't be one of them. After 11 years, the relationship is worth giving a chance, but to do nothing would be a mistake. She needs to go see a family/relationship therapist. This is essential. Her husband might not go with her at first, but that's fine. At very least, she needs to go on her own, by herself, for relationship therapy to begin. Getting help is NEVER out of the question.

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She rarely complains, the only time she will whine and moan to me is when I'm talking about how amazing my SO has been (I shouldn't torture her or when he's upset her/neglected her so much that she's a ball of tears. Majority of the time she's happy and just going with the flow because she's so used to it, 11 years of the same thing...

But she's going nuts, I try to help her, I just said if she can't force herself on him, she has to talk to him - she said she tried but he ignored her and continued to read the paper, she gave up in the end. She knows she can't get through to him - she's worried if she pushes him too much he'll pack up and leave.

I'm not suggesting to her to leave him either, she is dedicated to him and so used to how comfortable the relationship is - plus they wed only 3 months ago. I'm just worried she might go outside the relationship soon to meet her emotional/physical/both needs she isn't getting from him.

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Here's my theory.

 

It seems like your friend's desire to get married outweighed her desire to find a decent guy. I don't think the guy is gay; I think he was just pressured into a marriage by your friend's begging and is understandably less than enthusiastic about the whole thing. That being said, he doesn't seem like he was all that attentive of a partner to begin with. And the fact that they've been unable to communicate for eleven years indicates that they're just fundamentally incompatible, and how they made it this far amazes me. I think your friend needs to leave the relationship if she wants to be happy in the future, even if it means the possibility of giving up her dream of marriage.

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Whether he is gay or not isn't the issue.

For some unknown reason he doesn't want to have sex. She on the other hand wants to have sex and be intimate with her husband.

 

I would simply ask her what she wants for her life. When she answers, ask her if what she has now is what she wants. When she answers NO then ask her what she is going to do to get to the place she wants to be.

You can only do so much if she will not help herself. I think it is a good thing they do not have children. I don't see this marriage lasting much longer. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid to make herself feel better for a moment, only to carry the guilt for a very long time.

I believe a therapist would be of a great help to her. He doesn't have to go as this comes down to what she wants for her life and what she is willing to do to get there.

He has issues he does not want to face so there is little chance for him until he can be honest with himself.

 

Lost

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i don't know what to do? i want to help her. i'm surprised she's lasted 11 years with him and isn't totally depressed.

There is nothing you can do. This issue is between her and her husband. I would not go jumping to conclusions about the husband's sexuality since you are only hearing the wife's side of the story. Martial problems are best to stay out of because it can and WILL go against you if you try to intervene in any way. I've learned this from experience.

 

They both need to seek a marriage counselor and/or a sex therapist. The fact this issue has been going on for over a decade is really bad. It's time they both seek professional help.

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He certainly could be gay. And it's probably easy enough to figure out - does he have gay or straight porn, when they go out, does he notice men or women, etc.

 

But I agree with Lost, it doesn't really matter why he doesn't want sex - he hasn't wanted it for 11 years, and that's not about to change.

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Before you even mentioned it, I was thinking he might be gay. There are a few other possibilities too, such as being asexual, low testosterone, or psychological conditioning against sex.

 

Regardless of the cause, I don't find it acceptable for either half of a marriage to sexually neglect the other. I'd say either open the marriage to let her get what she needs elsewhere, or end it. Both options are better than cheating.

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Well I don't hear just HER side of the story, I am close with both of them, we give eachother relationship advice a lot. He is very compassionate sometimes, but it is rare he will really tell me his deep feelings. I believe he doesn't even admit his deepest feelings to himself.

What I am worried about the most is her cheating on him - but at the end of the day, I don't think that will really upset him to be honest.

I don't think she will ever end it, because in her mind, he is the man she wants. I don't know what to do anymore except to tell her to do whatever makes her happy, because clearly right now, he isn't.

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I can't understand saying "there is nothing you can do." I couldn't disagree more.

 

What you can do is try to convince her that an 11-year relationship is worth salvaging. The man probably won't join therapy at first, but she needs to get the ball rolling. This is an 11 year relationship!

 

The chances are very good that this man has low levels of important brain chemicals, and I would suggest he get tested. But, it's unlikely that he would be interested, so the first step is to get the wife into therapy with a reputable family/relationship therapist.

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Sounds like she's a masochist of some sort...

I don't know how to describe these kind of situations where women keep on hanging on men that hurt them all the time like that - I live next door to a 35 year old who just got her first child, they've been together for 8 or so years - after being hit and tortued by her husband she still keeps on hanging on him, in this case she has very low self-esteem and due to her looks I guess she's afraid that she won't get anything better than that bastard...

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